To just live separately in the same house?

[Waitinglistwait]

DH has checked out of the relationship, and this weekend I’ve just entertained the children while he’s done other things, it’s been fine.

Does anyone else do this, live together but apart?

Same but I think we’re headed that way. It’s not enough, he says (but if that’s how he feels, then that’s how he feels).

We did this for a while and it was utterly hideous. Ex refused to move out until the house was sold. We had been divorced for months - a divorce that was horribly drawn out and hideous.
Even once he had his money it took him a good few days.

Well yes there were other options in that he moved in with his parents until the house was sold. There was abuse so we couldn't have stayed under the same roof. I wasn't gifted any of this and it wasn't easy, but it was the longer term plan. What most people are saying is yes this will work in the short term if you have no other options, but it's not an ideal solution long term. I'm struggling to see what is wrong with that advice. Perhaps we've misunderstood your initial question.

This is just what I was thinking..many relationships are at this stage but they are still described as relationships, yet some people say they are separated but living together. The lines seem quite blurred here, I’ve seen many relationships slowly break down over time to the point where there is a new normal often lacking intimacy and interest and a life that revolves around caring for children

This seems to be the next life stage for us, the distractions of house moving out the way and raising 2 young children and suddenly coming out the other side finding we’re 20 years into a relationship and naturally the excitement and spark has gone. But is that ok, is it normal, is that just what a very long term relationship feels like when you’ve got all the big things ticked off. Or is it just normal as we approach 40 and worryinf about paying off the mortgage and pensions and getting back to work (SAHM) and not having our lives back from child rearing for another 10 years! I don’t know and trying to figure it out..

This is essentially how we live, very separately, I do all the parent work and house work and he does his own thing. Yesterday was weird and awkward as 'dh' had bought tickets for us and the kids to go and see a band, neither of the kids wanted to go, and I didn't want to spend the day with him. However, we went, and dh had more interaction with the kids in two hours than he has done for the whole of this year probably, which was quite nice for them for a change. But the tension between me and him was awful, he was trying to make conversation but it's obvious that I just don't want to / can't engage, for many reasons. Other families there had mum and dads who were very much together and happy and loving, and I wonder what my two make of it all. They're not daft, they can see there's a big difference to what they see from us. Is it a good idea to have a chat with them to make sure what they see from their mum and dad is not how a relationship should be? Surely if living separately in the same house is to be ongoing for however long, the kids should be clear that they should not repeat this kind of relationship in their own lives? It really gets me down being in such limbo, not knowing what is less bad for them.

It sounded to me as if you were suggesting the reason I was still here was fear rather than rooted in practicality.

In fairness, there is no abuse, just disinterest.

I’m struck though by how many of us are in the same situation. It is rubbish.

I think the main thing you need to take away from this OP is that you probably need to be taking steps to leave. I don’t think anybody is saying or expecting you to pack your bags today and leave, but there’s absolutely steps that you can start taking today towards leaving and becoming independent. That’s what you need to focus on.

It sounded that way to me, but no matter.

I am struck by how many are in the same position. The other hard thing is how quickly things disintegrated. Christmas was lovely as was most of January. Things have been on the decline since the beginning of February.

At the moment it’s as someone else said, he just does his own thing and I have the children. He sometimes helps and yes I know he shouldn’t help but that’s how it is

I'm doing this.

It's soul destroying and lonely.

My parents never got on, domestic abuse. I saw it all. But they stayed together for religious reasons, finances.

I was going to ask on here how I teach my children about healthy loving relationships as I have never experienced one.

I can't get out for now as am looking for work. Life is passing me by.

That's not been very long that he's been disinterested then, what does he say about the situation? Could he be depressed or stressed?

Possibly but you can’t talk to him. He just goes straight on the defensive, everything becomes my fault and then I obviously find that upsetting.

If it’s only been declining since the start of February then I would try communicating through it first OP, or at least a big honest chat, lay it all out on the table kind of conversation.

Yes see above

What about therapy then OP, together? The presence of the third person to mediate can make all the difference. It has to be worth a try?

He’d never agree to that.

I am in this position and each weekend just brings it more to light how we need to be apart sooner ranger than later. We sleep in separate bedrooms, which started when my youngest was born 3 years ago and he didn't want to be disturbed. But the more it's gone on the more I feel I can't stand to be under the same roof. He says he doesn't want to spend the weekend with the kids so that for me, I resent him more. We both work all week and come the weekend I take the kids out. It's so much easier without him. There is no tension or moaning. I hate it when he wants to come with us. I am currently getting my ducks in order for when we can leave.

This is my marriage too.
I can't ever imagine being able to afford to leave and still give my DD the life she deserves and has now.
DH is a nice-enough guy who isn't abusive, just doesn't love me the way I want to be loved.
Not upsetting the apple cart seems a small price to pay for the bad decisions that have led me here. I've made my bed.

OP, your posts aren't making a lot of sense.

If you were happy till a month / 6 weeks ago, is the first step not to talk about this, ask him what's going on? Counselling has been suggested, which makes sense - you say he wouldn't go. Why not?

If you are sure it is over, then you need to talk about this.

Perhaps if you split you may live together for a while. But ultimately it's very destructive for DC to be in a non-functioning situation where a couple are together-but-not, and undermines normal relationships. Honesty is always best.

There are always options, but it starts with a conversation

My posts don’t make sense? Where?

@lauramum85 we sleep separately too. He whines about lack of sex but there’s no opportunity!

This has just caused a massive lightbulb to ping above my head; my parents had a loveless marriage, stayed together when they shouldn't, visible hatred of each other at times, tears, arguments, never violence, and other times it was fine but never really happy when i look back with eyes that have since seem "normal" households - but up until now i'd not realised that their household has moulded my entire view of what a relationship is and contributed to my character.

You may not think that your living situation will impact the growing minds and subsequent formations of your DC character but it will. At best you will manage to pull off the living situation and get a "flatmate" type scenario, at worst you will get a worse situation where one ends up abusing the other in some form (not necessarily violence but financial, power, etc.) and the kids will see it and believe that's normal and acceptable.

Not upsetting the apple cart seems a small price to pay for the bad decisions that have led me here. I've made my bed.

Gently, it's not a 'small price'. Children adjust. They need stability and honesty. Placing them in a marriage that doesn't work is confusing for them at an unconscious level.

Besides, it's rare for such a decision not to ultimately lead to bitterness, resentment & inequity (one partner moves on, or has a relationship or checks out more than the other).

Children will do fine, even if they don't have all the material advantages they might have had.

My post elaborated why.

You are acting like your marriage is over - it's been a month of disinterest! How do you reach such a final decision without even talking to your DH?

And why are there no options to separate? Of course there are, if you discuss it.

A month of leaving me with small children while he does his own thing, a month of being spoken to like I’m an irritating nuisance, a month where I’ve tried to talk to him. A conversation is a two way thing.

The marriage isn’t over, yet. We are continuing to live together and we will for some time yet if not forever. But yes, I don’t feel the same. I’m sorry if that confuses you.