To have phoned DH’s nephew twice to ask why me daughter and grandchildren aren’t invited to his wedding

[SlothsRUs]

Husband is fucking angry with me. Received an invitation to his nephew’s wedding for us and our two daughters but not for my eldest daughter who is from a previous relationship.

Nephew’s response was that she was a step-relative who hadn’t been thought of but he didn’t think they were close.
He is closer in age to her and has known her longer than he has known the others.

I got his number off husband’s phone. He's furious with me.

Nephew is son of Brother-in-Law. The daughter of Sister-in-Law is invited with her toddler but my grandchildren aren’t invited.

When I found this out I rang him back asking how he felt closer to this family as they had grown up in different countries. He said he wasn’t willing to carry on the conversation.

BiL rang husband suggesting had I requested an invitation, one would be forthcoming, I don’t believe him. I get the sense it was more of control your wife.

I have no hope at all of my daughters not going, husband is definitely going.

I am fucking sick to my stomach. SiL rang me directly virtually threatening me saying I had upset people and not to involve my MiL.

Fucking furious.

People are going ask DD1 is 28, younger two are 19 and 20. Groom is 29.

Nephew hasn’t invited her and some posters say he doesn’t know her and that was my fault

So they don't really know each other - it gets more ridiculous. Just don't go & send DH with younger daughters.

As others have said your anger should be directed at her father & his family.

If I was the 28 year old I would be furious to be made to look like a child and my mum kicking off like this for my supposed benefit. If I were the younger two I'd be furious that the wedding will be a buzz with tales of my crazy mother. And having to have the neighbor carried over? It's getting more and more unbelievably outlandish.

I absolutely hate this attitude of excluding children - however old on the basis of blood relationship. I find it damaging and discriminatory and just unkind. I have every sympathy for op's reaction because no mother wants to feel her child is being excluded and hurt.And it doesn't matter how old that child is. Family should be inclusive.

That works both ways, OP has not thought about family relations.

The other two paint her as the devil incarnate
as per OP's other thread

There has to be even more of a backstory then so far disclosed for the OP to say this of her daughters' relationships with each other, let alone the wider family.

All these people saying about expense etc well don't have a fucking wedding then or invite anyone if it's all about money.

Or people can be adults and recognise that not everyone has the money to accommodate people (family or not) they are not close to.

A 28 year old 'child' who is a mother herself and doesn't even live with OP anymore? OK.

Op. I'm going to risk getting loads.of abuse here but well done for opening your mouth. I'm sorry but I'm with you. I never understand these ppl who cut members of the family out because they are step and not blood. Its not OK and it is hurtful. To those saying it's their wedding and they can invite who they like are missing the context that you are all family. Maybe calling him up the groom to be, to have ago wasn't right way to let them know, but I don't think this means its the end of your relationship with them. I would send a text saying you're sorry if your phone call upset them and you didn't mean that but you was offended your daughter wasn't invited and stand by that. A reasonable person would accept your explanation. It's OK for everyone else to judge you, its not their daughter that's been left out and I'm talking about your hubby! Op you won't regret speaking up for your daughter, that's the mum in you! you've got the right idea about family loyalty... shame others don't. Don't back track but explain to them in a different way P.s you won't see me.on this thread again as I'll have to go into hiding once I post but don't stress. It will all blow over.

If was down to closeness then that would probably be more acceptable but from what I can understand of the thread is that the family have repeatedly left out the uninvited adult child over the years. This is probably the last straw for OP

I voted YABU because, although it was mean not to invite your DD it is their wedding and the guest list is up to them. Your DH could have attended the wedding without you, but you are overly invested in this now and your behaviour was out of line. You don't phone someone and question their wedding guest list, and your DH is right to be angry.

Actually, if I was your DD I would be angry with you myself, she's not a child and doesn't need you to fight her battles for her.

a eulogy that mentioned every grandchild but her
@SlothsRUs - but she isn't his grandchild. She has her own grandparents - your parents and those of her father. Whether or not they are in contact is a separate issue.

Op herself said they were kind and welcoming to her, they just didn’t treat her like a grandchild. Because of this, OP denied her younger two a relationship with their family, and now she’s dealing with their resentment towards her AND their sister. Her actions have blown up in her face, frankly, and only served to damage her, and her daughter’s, relationships with everyone else. She’s not the only one with a last straw.

So his cousin, the daughter of his aunt lives in another country? He couldn't exactly invite her without her toddler could he?

I think you've went about this in a dreadful manner but it's done now. Need to let your husband go with the younger two daughters and bail out so your eldest feels she has your support.

Well I think you have totally blown it with the nephew questioning him about the invite list.

Is he friends with your DD1 and her children?

reading between the lines you may have other issues going forward with your DH and your other DD.

I completely get this. Any hint of my child being left out and I would feel the same anger. However you already know you have overstepped the mark.
Why don't you and your daughter do something really special instead just you two maybe a spa day or a day out somewhere. All this nonsense blood this and that I just don't get it like you. Biology means nothing when a man takes on another man's child his family should view that child the same out of respect for his wife. I think it is safe to say you have burned that bridge but good riddance. You don't want to associate with this type of thinking anyway. Plus if it was my sister being left out I doubt I would want to attend the wedding out of principle but that is just me.

I have a different dad from my siblings. I'm the youngest. I have also not been included in a family wedding when they all were. My nan was the only stood up for me in the way that you are for your daughter. It meant the world to me that she stood up and showed that I was part of the family and in her mind should be included. Ultimately it's his wedding and his rules, but just wanted to say that the underlying love for your children here is everything I wanted when I was in the same situation. So kudos for that.

just wait for the inheritance argument in the future. What happens if DD1 gets nothing but the other two do? What are you going to do then?

I understand why you’re very upset, but it sounds like this is par for the course as far as your in-laws go. Personally I’d hope that my other two DC would decline, but it’s up to them. I would make it clear to DH that you’re done with his side of the family from now on.

I really don't understand why anyone is so bloody desperate to go to weddings. Its just an expensive party.

Well you might not have gone about this in the right way but in our family cousins and step cousins are treated the same, not an invite to one and not the other.

Would feel quite spiteful to do so.

It’s very hurtful when a family appears to be absolutely determined to exclude a stepchild - whether a child or adult. Why on earth invite two adult cousins and not their sibling? It’s bizarre to me.

Yes - you’ve put it better than me. It does appear spiteful.

OMG, the nerve of you!

You can't demand your entire extended family is invited to somebody else's (probably expensive) wedding. Your grandchildren? 🫣 You have made a holy show of yourself. I would leave it alone now

You sound absolutely unhinged.

I can understand people getting pissed off when we’re talking about a distraught 10 yr old, but unless I have really misunderstood this is a 28 yr old woman! If her cousin doesn’t feel close to her then that’s their issue and their relationship to sort out, assuming they want to.

I can’t really believe that you care so much, it’s 1 poxy wedding. Your DD has her own family and friends who will invite her. It sounds to me that having her fully accepted into this family has become a bit of a hang up for you, but being this invested is not normal. You need to let it go.

DH is 1 of 3 and has 15 cousins (MIL 1 of 3, FIL 1 of 6); 11 have got married and 4 haven't. We have been invited to 7 of the weddings and attended 5; of the 4 we weren't invited to, the groom at one was the cousin DH was closest to growing up but it would never have crossed DH's mind or MIL's to demand an invitation.
It is entirely up to the B&G (and to an extent their parents if they are paying/contributing) who is invited to a wedding. Budgets and venue accommodation numbers aren't infinite, so lines need to be drawn as to who is invited.
DH was once invited to a full wedding (he was involved in the ceremony) but our DDs and I were only invited in the evening and I wasn't in the least offended. The bride was teaching DD1 a musical instrument so it was an awkward situation.