To have phoned DH’s nephew twice to ask why me daughter and grandchildren aren’t invited to his wedding

[SlothsRUs]

Husband is fucking angry with me. Received an invitation to his nephew’s wedding for us and our two daughters but not for my eldest daughter who is from a previous relationship.

Nephew’s response was that she was a step-relative who hadn’t been thought of but he didn’t think they were close.
He is closer in age to her and has known her longer than he has known the others.

I got his number off husband’s phone. He's furious with me.

Nephew is son of Brother-in-Law. The daughter of Sister-in-Law is invited with her toddler but my grandchildren aren’t invited.

When I found this out I rang him back asking how he felt closer to this family as they had grown up in different countries. He said he wasn’t willing to carry on the conversation.

BiL rang husband suggesting had I requested an invitation, one would be forthcoming, I don’t believe him. I get the sense it was more of control your wife.

I have no hope at all of my daughters not going, husband is definitely going.

I am fucking sick to my stomach. SiL rang me directly virtually threatening me saying I had upset people and not to involve my MiL.

Fucking furious.

People are going ask DD1 is 28, younger two are 19 and 20. Groom is 29.

You are very unreasonable to act how you have, but I understand why you're upset.

You could have politely asked whether it would be possible to get an invite for your daughter too, as you'd like to come as a family. If not, and you were still upset, you could have declined the invite for yourself.

He's absolutely not obliged to invite her and you've acted quite entitled. He obviously doesn't feel they are close, regardless of what you think he should feel. Most probably he doesn't feel close to your other children either but feels he must invite them as they're blood.

What you would or wouldn’t do is irrelevant. It’s not your wedding and you don’t get to decide who they invite. You get to decide whether to accept or decline your own invite, that’s it.

What I would do is write him an email saying you are extremely sorry - you were totally out of line and there is no excuse. However, like a lot of parents of blended families you are sensitive to kids not being included in everything.

You appreciate it’s entirely up to him who he asks to his wedding, and if you did want to raise it, this was the worst way to do so.

You value them as part of your family and apologise deeply for causing them distress.

Please don’t make a drama out of a minor crisis and start saying your relationship is over OP. If you admit you were a dick and apologise for it, there is no reason everyone shouldn’t move on.

There would have been nothing wrong with sounding out gently, via your husband (if he was OK with that) whether an invite for your daughter might have been possible - although you would need to have been clear that if the answer was no that was fine.

I grew up with hand brothers. We lived together, but sometimes our "own" families did things that did not involve the other siblings. It seemed reasonable enough at the time.

I think a lot of tongue biting has been going on in dh’s family. Always waiting for the next thing to tip op over the edge.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the dh has been having to basically try and convince his family she’s not terrible all the time. Probably been told by his family that they will
be ready on hand for a separation.

In fact the youngest child now going off to uni means you picked a very bad time to suddenly kick off yet again. Your children are adults. He doesn’t need to stay with you and try to keep you on side to now have a relationship with his girls.

As the girls have shown you by now wanting as much time with their fathers family as they can now get after being denied for so long. Your dh has a lovely relationship with your oldest and her children. You might well be on very very borrowed time.

you refused to allow your two younger children to have any contact with your DH’s side of the family. Your DH had to visit his side of the family by himself because you wouldn’t let the children go.

How on earth did you make him go without his kids Op?

And why did he?

What a shitshow!

I really can't believe that you think your husband's nephew should invite your daughter & her kids!

being put into a limousine

It was a funeral not a treat she was missing out on.

You seem to have deeply internalised that life has been unfair to your eldest but by going to extremes in her favour you've created two younger children who are rightly resentful of all they've lost out on.

she wasn't a grandchild was she, she is a step grandchild in that there is no blood relation between her and the deceased ? the only tie between her and him is your marriage certificate to your husband ?

That shouldn't really matter though, if the ILs have known the DD1 since she was little more than a toddler. One of my DCs grandmas is actually their step grandma because DH's mum died and his dad remarried. when my eldest was tiny. She's not blood but she's still the only grandma on that side of the family that they've ever known and she's never treated them any differently to her biological grandchildren. Likewise my FIL treats her GDC as his own.

If step GDC don't count, are we going to start suggesting that adopted grandchildren and sperm donor grandchildren don't count as they 'are not blood' either?

I know there are other contributing factors to this whole sorry mess, where the OP has probably made things worse in the long run, but the argument that it's okay to single out one child that your son ihas chosen to bringing up as his own, and treat her differently to his other daughters because she's not blood is not very kind. She was only 3 years old.

Yabu. Your actions have created a divide within the family, it sounds like the lack of an invitation for your daughter and her children is a consequence of that, as they've not had a relationship for some time. You've then created yet more unnecessary drama by phoning people like this. If you choose not to facilitate a relationship with people, then one consequence of that is that those people don't have a relationship with you, and in this case, your daughter.

I totally understand your anger, OP.

Despite her being part of the family for 25 years, they’ve excluded her for not being part of the same bloodline.

That is shameful.

No the OP would not allow her daughter or her 2 younger daughters a relationship with their family, because the eldest comes first.

"I just want to scream" Am I the only one getting Sistine Chapel vibes?

It’s family members like you that make it really fucking hard for people to plan a wedding. Its stressful enough without ringing them up and causing issues because YOU don’t agree with their wedding choices. Bloody grow up.

I love a good MN wedding thread. They are far more fun than attending actual weddings!

The one (or was it two or three?) with the nine groomsmen was still a better effort, though.

You don’t come out of this well, OP, BUT I can see where you’re coming from. As far as you’re concerned, they’re all family. But clearly as far as your BIL is concerned, blood/biology matters more. Neither of you are wrong — but in this instance, it wasn’t your call to make.
I do think it’s difficult with blended families (and I say this as someone who has one. I love my DSC BUT I have a different relationship with them to my own DC, as my DSC have their own DM). When my parents died, they left money for all their biological GC. They also left some — but less — to their SGC. That caused a huge issue. Their thinking was that their SGC had never called them Grandad/Grandma and had made it clear they had their ‘own’ (biological) grandparents. So, they were treated differently in the will. Was that right? I have no idea — but I do know that the common MN refrain is that when you meet/marry a man/woman who already has kids, you know what you’re signing up for. 100% agree with this. BUT relatives aren’t necessarily signing up for it — and that’s where it becomes really complicated. Your BIL has shown you he doesn’t consider your DD1 to be family in the way your other DC are. You don’t have to be okay with that/happy about it — but at the end of the day, it is his decision.

I meant "half" brothers.

Surprised at the responses on this thread. You haven't handled it well, but the idea that he can invite two (three? I couldn't quite follow) but leave one out because she's "only" a step-sister and that's just his choice is baffling. It's really mean to leave her out and I'm not surprised you're upset. Although you haven't helped yourself in how you've handled it or how you've presented it here.

@noodlesfortea please never ask for someone to be invited to an event. Especially a wedding. It's bad manners and puts pressure on the organiser to invite someone who they don't want there. Respect the hosts.

I wouldn't be having my kids treated differently either. You're a package. All these people saying about expense etc well don't have a fucking wedding then or invite anyone if it's all about money. I don't think you should have rang and had a go, maybe it was an over sight, hubby could have had a discreet chat and said invite needs to be for all the girls or none as it's just cruel to single one out. imagine oh yeah we've got a wedding to go to, oh sorry no not for you, just your sisters.

I get it OP, I really do. My children weren’t invited either.

What I would do is write him an email saying you are extremely sorry - you were totally out of line and there is no excuse. However, like a lot of parents of blended families you are sensitive to kids not being included in everything.

That. Your DH has been her father since she was three. If she'd been 13 when you got together I'd expect your in-laws to not take her into the bosom of the family. But she was little more than a toddler and it's been 25 years. So while I think the apology is important and worded the way it is, mentioning that you were reacted badly because she's been part of the family since she was tiny, is reasonable.

You're absolutely unreasonable to expect HER children to be there though. Weddings are very expensive and guest lists hard to manage to keep within affordability.

Except they’re not a package, and the younger two have made it very clear to OP that they’re sick and tired of being treated as if they are. They’re not going to refuse to attend because OP wants them to, and she can’t stop them.

What OP has done is damaged her relationship with her younger daughters, and their relationship with their sister.

You need to read OP’s other thread, it (unsurprisingly) puts a very different light on things. OP essentially cut off contact with that side of the family about 20 years ago.

My nil had a christening recently, my two older adult sons weren't invited, despite knowing her since they were 3/4. They're my sons, not related to her. My other 2 were, as they're her cousins. It didn't cross my mind that anyone would feel excluded, it didn't cross their minds either. It's just how it is.

I wouldn't be having my kids treated differently either. You're a package.

The person who sent the invitation doesn't seem to think that.

They are all adults & are free to accept/decline as they wish.