Childminder terminated contract

[penelopepinkbott]

Started my son (2.5) with a new childminder a few weeks ago. She seems nice and my son went in very happily. We've had an email saying due to his needs the care of other children has been compromised and she needs to terminate our contract. She thinks a nursery would be better with more staff. She has mainly babies and says he has hurt them on more than one occasion.
We did use a nursery for a few month but they also asked us to leave as they couldn't meet his needs. Both CM and nursery suggest we assess for additional needs. CM sent a report shoring the milestones he wasn't meeting, mainly communication and language. I disagree as I know he can do more than he shows them. AIBU to think childcare should care for my child? Can they wash their hands of him?

If two separate settings have said this, you should take it seriously. They have much greater awareness of child development than you do. Take it as an opportunity to get him assessed early and then hopefully get the right support early.

I can't believe you're so dismissive of your toddler injuring babies. You're neck-deep in denial in minimisation, and it can only disadvantage your son.

It's hard to accept that your child has difficulties or disabilities. It took me a long time to se it because we were so accustomed to him. But he was cared for at home.

Two lots of childcare professionals have flagged concerns. THey know far, far more about what's normal and safe than you do. Take that information and start advocating for the help your son needs rather than berating the poor childminder.

As an aside, she doesn't have to put up with armfuls of bruises from any child in her charge, regardless of her concerns for the other children in her care.

You've made an excellent point about the genetic nature of neurodiversity and therefore, possible lack of awareness.

Nip- could be either pinch or bite. I read it as biting, but agree, it could mean pinching.

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more

nip1
/nɪp/
verb
gerund or present participle: nipping

1. 1.
2. bite or pinch sharply.

You need to read up on autism. You can like bluey (or any other TV programme and recognise them anywhere) and make eye contact and sleep well if you have autism. I work with adults with autism.

You need to come to terms with the fact that constantly pinching you ain't normal and hurting babies DEFINITELY is NOT normal. Obviously mistakes happen when you're playing with other kids but for a child to keep hurting actual babies, that's totally different. You really need to seek help and listen to everyone and the professionals.

Why wasnt that enough to seek advice from the hv? They see a lot of children they know the differences in developments. For a second childcare provider to say simialr things again why would you not admit there may be an issue and seek professional advice instead of coming on a public forum to ask a bunch of strangers and dont seem happy that we all think he should be seen by a professional.

Take it from a parent who has a child who was diagnosed with Autism at 3, the waiting lists are huge and early interventions are crucial.

of course a child care setting can terminate a contract if they cannot provide the adequate support for a child especially when safety for the child and others are at risk. They also have OFSTED guidelines to follow and can be inspected at any time.

This is a really valid point.

You are doing your child a disservice. Child minders & nursery see this all the time. You are only seeing what you want. Get him assessed! Early intervention is invaluable.

My son has Austism and he will stare me in the face, when talking to other people hes not great with eye contact (mainly to adults) but having good eye contact is not a good indicator for not being Autistic.

I have a just turned 2 year old now, he will only say single words, but a lot more than 10, i consider him to have speech delay but will respond to his name, plays with others, follows instructions (most of the time), sleeping well has nothing to do with Autism, i feel like you are just clutching at straws now trying to convince yourself (and us) that there is not an issue. Yes 2 year olds run around and dont always listen but a nursery and childminder will know what is normal for a 2year old and what isnt.

Hi OP your son has a few words at 2.5 so that's a positive, where I live 3 is/was generally the first age for assessment for needs. But it's definitely a good idea to reach out as once you start the ball rolling and get involved with professionals, they should at least be able able to recommend childminders and pre-schools that won't push back and they may also give you access to extra groups for communication and play support. In the meantime I would advise trying community pre-schools that have connections with the Church or pre-schools that are connected to fully maintained state primaries, near where I live they seem to be much more geared up and welcoming for children who may or do have additional needs.
Fingers crossed, your son may develop language quickly and suddenly bloom overnight. I've seen this happen quite a few times. I think this is the reason for the age 3 cut off where I am, as there seem to be a lot of kids whose language comes in quickly at around 3 and then they develop in other areas too. Then also a significant amount of language delayed kids will catch up by 4/5.
We've had a longer trajectory. I have a significantly language delayed child (who was given an ASD diagnosis at 3) And language affects SO much with development. In our case: behaviour, play, self help skills, self regulation, self awareness, social interaction etc are all significantly delayed but have consistently improved over the years as language has improved.
I'm not keen on the A word for various reasons, I think we should be using the terms neurodiverse or developmental delay/difference unless it's the classic condition described by Kanner. I think it can be quite unhelpful because it is used in a general way but was a very specific diagnosis - and this can create a lot of confusion.
All the best to you and your family x

The Health Visitor is probably your best person to help, but some areas have drop in centres for parents with these kinds of concerns. They run sessions every now and again (possibly weekly but I can't quite remember). They're staffed by a few health visitors who can see the child playing and interacting with others. Does your local authority have anything similar?

Look, your DS may be fine. But 2 separate childcare settings have identified issues so why not start the process just in case? It can take years to get an ASC assessment so don’t wait until the point where you can’t ignore it anymore, and find that he’s years behind in terms of receiving support.

I say this because it’s totally normal for parents of SEN children to be in denial at first, so you may not be the best placed to judge his needs impartially.

OP, it may not feel like it, but it's really great that the possibility of problems has been picked up so early. That means that you can start the ball rolling now in terms of getting support in place. Honestly, if your son does have difficulties, then the earlier people start working to help him, the better it will be for him.

She can't if it discriminates against a child with SEND without putting in place reasonable adjustments.

All early years providers are required to have arrangements in place to identify and support children with special educational needs or disabilities

Yes but not at the expense of vulnerable babies that are being harmed. This is true for schools as well - if a child is violent they will either be a managed move or excluded.

If op wanted her son to have 1-1 care she should have got the ball rolling with assessment. Which is what this whole thread is about.

If a toddler is risking the wellbeing and safety of other children- as it’s now two child care places- definitely look at his behaviour.

It must be quite serious for them to say they can’t cope with his behaviours “We can’t meet his needs”
is a polite way of saying that.

The other parents won’t want their babies hurt, any more than you would.

Don’t be afraid of a diagnosis. It doesn’t mean your child is broken or flawed. It just means your child works a bit differently than the average child. The adult world is full of happy, successful people living very normal lives that also have a diagnosis. Some people aren’t so lucky and it means a much tougher path for the whole family, but for many it’s just like getting handed a different parenting manual than the original and suddenly your child makes so much more sense.

No harm in getting your lovely child assessed. as others have noted it is very hard accessing support later on so get on with it now!

No,not at all that’s alarmist and provocative statement. Be reasssured this is nonsense

Dear OP

i am a mum of a 14 year old. He was very much like your son at 2. I believed like you do that he’s “just a boisterous boy”. At age 3 his nursery referred him for speech therapy, at 4 he was referred to the school nursing team for issues around his poo’ing. At age 7 he was diagnosed with adhd. He is the most amazing kid. He’s smart! Speech therapy helped his speech issues. He suffered from encoporesis as a result of his toileting issues that resolved around age 10. He is now finally being referred for autism - he has no sense of personal space. His obsessions range from a collection of coins, prime bottles, Pokémon cards, football cards. He is social but doesn’t get social cues at all. He has empathy and eye contact. Lots of “symptoms of autism” are not hit by every person on the spectrum.

i listened to people who told me there was “something” as a result we got in the pathway much earlier. We are only persuing an autism diagnosis now so that he has a bit of extra help should he need it in college in a few years.

its difficult to hear that your child is not “normal” for want of a better word, but it doesn’t change your child, but it opens up doors to much more support and help xx

You need to find the best setting for your child. Try as hard as it is, to not take it personally. If she mainly has babies that doesn’t sound like the best set up for him anyway to be honest. He needs children his own age to learn from and engage with.

Everytime my child enters a new nursery class they bring up his communication and say he is not where he needs to be. 2 weeks later when he is settled and in a routine they say he won’t stop talking and is ‘popular’. He is shy initially and needs a routine. He has never hurt another child though so really go big on teaching your baba his boundaries as much as possible.

I do think it’s quite odd when people are quick to judge a toddler!! They are toddlers. I do know there are circumstances where intervention is key, but I do feel there are a lot of other circumstances where people over diagnose boys in particular at a young age because they learn in a totally different way. They need activities and energy, otherwise YES they do get bored and start acting out or get distracted.

Remember your child is 2!!! Find a set up that works for him and forget the childminder. You will also have a totally different child in 1 years time, so please just follow YOUR instincts when it comes to his development. Other people’s opinions are great for guidance, but you know him best.

My child has additional needs, and as part of that we know a lot of parents whose children also have additional needs.

Everything, and I mean everything, has massive waits for diagnosis, help, support, intervention etc. Even private appointments can be several months. NHS help is years.

By far and away the best thing which you can do for your child is to get him onto every waiting list that the doctor is willing to refer for: autism diagnosis; speech and language support; social communication support; pediatrician etc etc. Read up about EHCPs and apply.

The referrals are likely to take 2-4 years depending on where you live. In two years all of the concerns may have disappeared (in which case just call up and cancel the appointment when it comes through) or the picture may be much clearer.

If your husband is unsure about diagnosis there is absolutely no point to discussing/worrying/debating that now. Have those conversations in the month prior to appointment - it will be a long long time away and your child will be very different by the time the referrals result in appointments.

With regard to childcare, give it a year and try again - for whatever reason he just isn't ready yet.

Glad to read again that you're going to seek help for your DS

Fwiw - my DS's 'quirks' were:

• Would make eye contact, but never in photographs
• Often wouldn't respond to his name

OBSESSED with Trains and Dinosaurs - he still is at 14. He used to line them up, and would recreate scenes from Thomas the Tank and Jurassic Park & get upset if he didn't have the correct character.

• tiptoe walker
• speech delay and underdevelopment of language until 7/8ish
• lack of social awareness (teachers reported he would stand in the corner of a classroom and peel oranges during meetings or at breaks, instead of leaving - as it was awkward for him - ie is it rude to leave/rude to stay and listen
• lack of stranger danger, reading social situations etc, would dress himself in shorts and tee shirts if the sun was out - even in 5⁰c February sun!!
• would only wear clothing with no tags, seams, had to be soft material - he's still like this now
• daydreamer

None of these were apparent to me that he was ND. I only had him at the time and worked with children with much more severe symptoms, so it didn't even click. My DS is now He is ridiculously talented, he is an amazing guitar player, taught himself to play a keyboard, is a fantastic mathematician but hates maths, has completed his bronze DoE and is currently doing his silver award - he's had fantastic support since his diagnosis and is really progressing.

The fact 2 professionals has noticed and mentioned it to you, means something is definitely going on somewhere.

Good luck

@penelopepinkbott

I would go straight to the GP, get them to send off a referral for assessment.

NHS will likely say there is too little info to progress the referral. So you need to have ready copies of reports (about an a4 page each if possible) from both childcare providers and a parents report from you outlining the difficulties, 2-3 pages. Have several sections

1. introduction: lovely boy, outline his development from birth and where this is delayed (speech, possibly walking, too early to say if toileting, was he irritable or difficult to settle, did he nap, picky eater), has some social and communication difficulties, behavioural issues - biting etc, restricted and repetitive behaviours, two childcare providers have refused to have him due to behaviour and have indicated they see strong signs of autism (reports enclosed).

Then go into more depth on the issues with specific examples, use bullet points

2.Social and communication difficulties

• x
• y
• z

3.Restricted and repetitive behaviours and sensory issues

• x
• y
• z

If all of this is very new to you, spend an evening or two reading up and print or save several web pages outlining symptoms and giving examples. If you see anything else that fits or a different heading add it in; it’s about your child.

To be clear, unless you have this information laid out like a proper report from multiple sources, the nhs will muck you around until the point of school when it’s out of control. You need to lay it on thick and think about what your son is like on his worst day - you are aiming for them to accept him for assessment.

Once you get on the list, it is usually easy enough to track down a private provider and get seen within a year, ask a local autism charity for advice on this and check with the nhs trust where your child has been referred as to what guidelines the private report would have to follow to be acceptable for ratification. DO NOT come off the NHS list until you have the private report sent through and ratified by them, they will then scoot you through to intervention if there is a diagnosis and then you get referrals to speech and language/OT or whatever else is required.

I know it is very daunting and emotional. You will get through this, your little boy is still wonderful, he just needs some support and it will be so worthwhile to find out what is or isn’t going on for him.

Former childhood pincher here 👋
Diagnosed autism and adhd late 30s

My DC were diagnosed before me.

All of us would have been aspergers, high functioning previously but it’s now all under autism.

Regards the hurting others, my DC was a biter, couldn’t cope with others getting close to him or not behaving as expected.

Controversial but we used Jo Frost naughty step technique. And it worked (mainly because he was removed from environment and had quiet space to regulate). We also spent a tonne of time discussing feelings and developing empathy from about 2.5, and did social stories once we had diagnosis.

Wishing you lots of luck!!