Dd hasn't phoned me after my brother died

[Sadsistermother]

My only sibling died late last week. I was very close to him as we were very close in age. He was terminally ill and had been given 4 months to live but died after less than a month. It was unexpected. He was ND and unmarried with no children.
Anyway I have 4dc, one still at school and the others are adult. 2 of my adult dc telephoned me to make sure I was okay but the 3rd (married with dc) hasn't though she has phoned by parents to offer condolences. She sent me a short WhatsApp. I mentioned this to dh and he started laughing very loudly at my expectation as though I was putting myself at the same level as my parents in terms of loss. I am devastated at my brother's death. AIBU

[MNHQ have edited the OP so the thread doesn't get derailed by discussion about a particular phrase]

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. I would be very upset by your DH's reaction. Your DD is being thoughtless whereas he is being actively cruel.

I’m sorry for your loss. I think both your daughter and your husband have been insensitive. Of course you’d contact your mum if your uncle has died. Have you reached out to her, after all, it’s her beloved uncle as well. And why is your husband LAUGHING at your upset?! Disgusting behaviour.

Your dh laughing is the weirdest bit. How cruel.

I'm sorry for your loss. No you are not being unreasonable in feeling hurt. Sometimes DC even when they are adults forget that their parents have feelings too. Call her and talk to her about it. Maybe she doesn't know how upset you are. Maybe it has made her think about death and is afraid to talk to you.

@Sadsistermother 💐

@sorrynotathome that was unnecessary!

I just knew some idiot would comment this despite the circumstances of the post. So well done for being both heartless and predictable.
Very sorry for your loss OP. I’d feel a bit let down too I think. Your husband’s response is strange as well.

That is awful, op. Of course losing a sibling is an enormous loss and I'm sorry they have made you feel worse while you are grieving.

I'm sorry for your loss. Maybe a message is all your DD could offer at the time? Give her time. Your DH on the other hand? Has he apologised? I've had an odd compulsive reaction to sad news, but I was super apologetic as I know the response was weird and inappropriate.

I mentioned this to dh and he started laughing very loudly at my expectation as though I was putting myself at the same level as my parents in terms of loss this is what I'd be most upset by. I can only assume he doesn't have ny siblings or isn't close to them.

I think your DD has reached out to you, via the message. It may not have been in the form you wanted it, but she's still made contact. I have a difficult relationship with my mum and probably would have messaged rather than rung.

Your DH asked very cruelly and oddly by laughing

OP, I am very sorry for your loss and your daughter is thoughtless. Are you close generally or not very? I can’t think of a case where I wouldn’t immediately phone my mum and check she was ok. Your husband’s reaction is reprehensible too. Laughing at you while you’re grieving, is he actually ok???

(Please don’t use the term Irish twins though.
The use of Irish twins was meant to look down on Irish people and accuse them of having poor self-control, little education, and no access to health resources like birth control. The term is still used today, but many would agree that it’s not appropriate and is steeped in disrespect.)

You've lost someone you love very much. Your daughter is a dick and so is your husband.

Sorry for your loss.

My brother was quite reclusive and very quiet. Autism wasn't really recognised when we were growing up. I wouldn't say he had a close relationship with any of them though if he was at my parents they would talk to him. None of them have visited since he became ill at the very end of December. 2 of them live a few hundred miles away but the dd who hasn't phoned lives about 45 minutes away.

My goodness I’m sorry.

Your husband’s reaction is so odd. I found when my sibling died that lots of people really struggled to know what to say/do - much more so than when my parent died. I really hope he’s apologised and that your daughter shows a little more of the support you need.

I’m very sorry for your loss. No, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a phone call in these circumstances.

Is there any chance that people could use a tiny bit of self restraint and avoid ‘correcting’ a very recently bereaved poster about the term Irish twins? It’s not the time.

i am sorry for your loss

dont take issue with your dd, she is your dd, not a person of your age. death is an awkward issue for many people

Oh for goodness sake - that's what you picked up on here? (I'm Irish, btw. The phrase is used very commonly here, without offence)

Unnecessary comment- the OP just used a phrase to emphasise their closeness in age to their now-deceased sibling. Have a heart!

The use of Irish twins was meant to look down on Irish people and accuse them of having poor self-control, little education, and no access to health resources like birth control. The term is still used today, but many would agree that it’s not appropriate and is steeped in disrespect

It entirely depends on context. Many Irish people use the phrase, about themselves, and that's also what OP has done.

I agree that non-Irish people using it to confer the meaning that you've given is not ok, but that's not what OP is doing.

What was their relationship like?

My uncle died unexpectedly last year and I actually did not care as we didn't talk.

What kind of relationship do you have? I speak to my mum everyday so of course when her sibling died I offered her condolences as I did to my other aunts and uncles too. I had a relationship with my aunt and so I went to the funeral and participated in her funeral rites. I couldn't imagine not doing so. I was raised though with an understanding of the etiquette of these things (asian family so etiquette may well be different). I was also concerned about my mum.

Your dd's lack of empathy would upset me as a parent but instead of being quiet about it I would speak to her. Raising kids with an arse that lacks empathy was always going to have some negative effects, maybe she's used to him treating you with a lack of respect or concern and is following suit? I don't say that meaning to hurt you but we only get one life op and a partner should always be the one raising you up not dragging you down.

I'm sorry for your loss op, I hope you do have friends or wider family supporting you.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

Your DD sounds she is just unthinking - and hasn't really considered how the loss affected you.

Your DH is behaving like an absolute arsehole.

I'm sorry about the Irish twins phrase, my dm used to use it about us. I do have Irish ancestry. Dd face timed me on Mother's Day and sent me a lovely present. We are not as close as we used to be as she has a very busy life but we've not had a falling out. All my dc spent Christmas with us.

Sorry for your loss and that you feel so awful.

But: in the gentlest possible way, you say yourself that your daughter and other members of the family weren't close to your brother and rarely saw him. His death wasn't unexpected - he was terminally ill and (if I've understood correctly,) was given 4 months to live of which 3 had passed.

I'm thinking back to when my mum's siblings died. I gave my condolences to my cousins. Not my mum.

I think your daughter probably doesn't realise that she's done anything to hurt you. She's not terribly upset that he's died, so probably doesn't understand that you are.

Your husband's reaction about her reaction is weird though.

Sorry for your loss. Have you not phoned her at all? Who told her that her uncle had died?