Dd hasn't phoned me after my brother died

[Sadsistermother]

My only sibling died late last week. I was very close to him as we were very close in age. He was terminally ill and had been given 4 months to live but died after less than a month. It was unexpected. He was ND and unmarried with no children.
Anyway I have 4dc, one still at school and the others are adult. 2 of my adult dc telephoned me to make sure I was okay but the 3rd (married with dc) hasn't though she has phoned by parents to offer condolences. She sent me a short WhatsApp. I mentioned this to dh and he started laughing very loudly at my expectation as though I was putting myself at the same level as my parents in terms of loss. I am devastated at my brother's death. AIBU

[MNHQ have edited the OP so the thread doesn't get derailed by discussion about a particular phrase]

I think it is irrelevant whether or not your DD had a close relationship with her uncle. Her concern should be for you, her mum who has lost her only brother. Both your DD and your DH are thoughtless and uncaring, your DH sounds particularly unpleasant.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

Very sorry for your sad, loss OP. It sounds as though your daughter hasn't quite sussed out the way to support someone who may be grieving after a death. Perhaps (to be charitable) because this is a new situation for her? My first thought was that your DH could have a word with her, but his reaction sounds strange too

I tho k your DH is far worse, tbh.

DD isn't the issue (a bit thoughtless but she has acknowledged it at least) it's your husband! Laughing loudly? Jeez.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Both your DD and your DH sound like arseholes.

In terms of the DH laughing... Does DD have form for behaving in thoughtless, non-communicative ways? So he was more laughing ironically at the expectation she might finally be different this time?
Assuming he's a good DH in all other ways, his laughing to deliberately hurt you seems a reach. Especially at a time when he knows you're feeling bad. When people are grieving, their minds can do funny things, and their interpretations of fairly innocent things can be on a knife edge.
Of course, you know your DH best. And if you genuinely think he was laughing to upset you, you've got more problems than an awkward, insensitive DD.

As for your DD... I lost my dad in quite traumatic circumstances. And I was amazed by the people who reached out in support, and those who didn't.
The wife of a cousin (a woman I didn't particularly care for, but whom I only met about once every 5-10 years), reached out repeatedly and often. Checking up with me long after everyone else had stopped. It really surprised me, and she went up massively in my opinion. The next time I saw her, I made a point to tell her how much I'd appreciated it.
But another cousin, the one who I'd always considered a good friend, never reached out once. Didn't hear a single word from her at any point.

I think I just learnt that some people are good at "feelings stuff", and others just aren't. Perhaps there was no maliciousness at all on the part of your DD. She's just someone else who doesn't know what to do, so does nothing.

@AgnesX, read the thread. Plenty of people have defined the term before your post.

I'm sorry for your loss op. My oldest daughter responded to my brothers death in a very inappropriate way so I can't understand your hurt. However people deal with death very differently and they are all reactions. I would try to let it go hun.

Can understand not can't

Very sorry for your loss OP.

Tbh your husband sounds worse than your daughter. To laugh at you at such a time is nasty and insensitive. And you asking on here just about your DD’s behaviour not your husband’s leads me to wonder if you’ve been conditioned to expect such poor treatment from him. It isn’t normal to be like that to your spouse OP. I think that’s what you need to be concentrating on here.

I'm sorry about your brother, OP, but most of us don't make phone calls at all these days - I certainly never do. So if your daughter is not a "phone person", this isn't particularly surprising. I think the important thing to remember is that she has contacted you.

Not a phone person, to console your mother who lost a brother? Jesus .

Agreed. It beggars belief honestly.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I suspect as you told your DD the news by WhatsApp, that's how she assumed you wanted to communicate about it on the day. The fact that she phoned your parents does show she cares, but in her head she'd probably already given you condolences so they were more important for a phone call. I would try not to take it personally unless there are other issues too. It's only been a couple of days.

My DHs uncle died recently and I'm trying to remember what DH did regarding contacting his mum. I think similar to your daughter to be honest. I have a vague recollection of saying are you going to phone her and him saying she's busy at the moment, will speak on weekend. But he cares a lot about his mum. It's a standing joke in our family that DH and his mum phoned once a week in a Sunday and not much changes that! Although that comes from her as much as him, it's just how they are, whereas my mum and I are much more ad hoc in our communications and would certainly have spoken on the phone.

Your DH's reaction is odder, unless he's more laughing at your daughter not you, e.g getting at how she's not very good at that sort of thing.

Am so sorry for your loss, and please ignore the Mumsnet language police. I think being so unfeeling and pedantic to a bereaved person says more about who a person is that using language some people find offensive does.

I agree with @Wheeeeee.
I think your DD felt that this might have been more appropriate.

@Sadsistermother I'm sorry for your loss, but please don't berate your DD for messaging instead of calling.

As a 100% Irish person, born here, living here - it really isn’t. Maybe it started as a slur but we are quite happy for language to evolve and to let it just be a commonly used phrase. (Unless it’s used with malicious intent obviously.) No need to take offence on our behalf. We are well able to do that ourselves if we feel the need! (but in this case we don’t!)

I think yabu about your DD.

She contacted your parents and you told her through WhatsApp and she responded in the same vein.

My guess is that she is busy with her own children, this may have hit closer to home with your parents since they have lost a child and she herself has children, and she may think that you didn’t want to talk yet since you didn’t phone.

My dad lost a sibling last year and he video called me when it happened. He had several cancers and also given a timeframe. I asked dad if he was all right, he talked about it for a few minutes, giving me an update on everything and then had me locate my children so he could talk to them.

If he had texted it, I would have thought him to call me later since he does work and he could be doing other things like talking to his other siblings, those who were close to his brother, etc. I wasn’t close to this uncle but talk to his son, my cousin here and there and messaged my condolences to him. I know he works and has children so didn’t call him either.

My DHs uncle died recently and I'm trying to remember what DH did regarding contacting his mum. I think similar to your daughter to be honest. I have a vague recollection of saying are you going to phone her and him saying she's busy at the moment, will speak on weekend. But he cares a lot about his mum. It's a standing joke in our family that DH and his mum phoned once a week in a Sunday and not much changes that!

That’s my dad and I in a nutshell. DH calls it the Sunday Dad/Grandpa call. He once called me on a different day and I thought something was wrong.

Sorry for your loss, OP. 💐

@MrsJaneIsTheName

You knew our 'relationship' did you?

we weren't good enough for him because we weren't good enough for his so called posh speaking wife.

We would go to visit them (by invite) and they would ignore us by leaving us in a room by ourselves but yet when they came to visit us we were warm, welcoming and friendly

And because you weren't there, you wouldn't know.

So yeah when I got the phone call that he died, I wasn't interested because we had zero relationship because of him and her.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

But I don’t see that your DD has done anything wrong - you whatsapped her, she replied in kind. If you had wanted a phone call you should have called her.

I disagree with PPs saying that she needs educating about how to handle other people's grief, she's contacted your parents and is following your lead on how you wish to communicate. Sounds just fine to me.

Your DH sounds nasty though.

I think both your dd and exH have behaved terribly.

Does dd take you for granted? Start giving less of yourself to her if yes.

And yes, tell her you were upset she didn’t call or come over to check on you.

Stop hosting Christmas for those that don’t appreciate you.

Is exH still in the family home?

OP’s parents didn’t message dd but they got a call.

OP has every right to be upset.

So you would have called your own dad but think OP is being unreasonable?

OP, do you know your post has given me great comfort as well as sadness.
My eldest son sounds very like your brother. He is extremely quiet and shy, has only 1 friend and spends almost all of his time at home with us, in his room (he is early 20s). I know he will not marry or have children.

My main fear for him is that my other children will not stay in touch with him when we are gone, that he will die alone and ungrieved for. He is a gentle and lovely person who just finds modern life too much.

To read about how much you loved your brother even though he was different, and didn't manage to form relationships with a wider group of people, brings me great solace in thinking about my own dear son. He just needs a sibling like you to care, to make it that his time on Earth mattered and that he will leave an imprint. I hope he will be as lucky.

Thank you for caring, on behalf of parents of deeply introverted autistic people everywhere. It made a difference to him. That he mattered to you is important. Thank you.

Think you may need to read my post again.

I said my dad video called me when his sibling died and I asked him how he was then. If he would have messaged me instead, I would think HE would have called me later to talk about it if he desired. I wouldn’t assume he wanted me to call him if he texted me about it.