Dd hasn't phoned me after my brother died

[Sadsistermother]

My only sibling died late last week. I was very close to him as we were very close in age. He was terminally ill and had been given 4 months to live but died after less than a month. It was unexpected. He was ND and unmarried with no children.
Anyway I have 4dc, one still at school and the others are adult. 2 of my adult dc telephoned me to make sure I was okay but the 3rd (married with dc) hasn't though she has phoned by parents to offer condolences. She sent me a short WhatsApp. I mentioned this to dh and he started laughing very loudly at my expectation as though I was putting myself at the same level as my parents in terms of loss. I am devastated at my brother's death. AIBU

[MNHQ have edited the OP so the thread doesn't get derailed by discussion about a particular phrase]

OP I'm so sorry for your loss

To think and then post that on this thread is just weird and I hope you feel better soon.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

What did she say when you told her he passed away?

I'm very sorry for your loss. 😢
I will say few people are good at loss.
As well since your db was autistic she may be ND herself.

So sorry for your loss op, I'd be very hurt tbh, but again maybe these days commiserating re whats app is normal, especially post covid. And tbh I'd try and accept, well at least act like, that she did what she thought was best...

Ignore people giving out to you for saying irish twins, it's not at all offensive in Ireland, and more importantly, anyone who would criticize a bereaved person for saying that is revealing a hell of a lot more about themselves and not you, and not in a good way in terms of showing what type of person they are.

Take care

our own experiences will form our opinions on here. And I am wondering if from dds point of view there’s a reason she hasn’t called.

Your husband laughing is awful. But the point he put forward about you not being in the same position as your parents, suggests you do think it’s the same for you as your parents. You are all devastated. But is different.

I might be completely off base, but I have a few relatives that are always the most upset when anyone does. When their mum died it was worse for them (which I get), when my mum died it was also worse for them as it was for me. When any relative dies, they always find a convoluted way to tell everyone why it’s worse for them than anyone else.

Could they possibly view it like that?

Or they could both be quite callous. But the wider relationships and dynamics are important here. But also their view of the dynamics are important.

I am sorry for your loss. But it’s really hard to decide who is unreasonable.

Can't you just call her? You don't have to sit around waiting for people to call you.

When my brother died I used to have to brace myself every time I called my parents. My mum cried all day every day. The phone calls were necessary but not something I particularly wanted to do. Maybe she's avoiding you because of how you might react.

Don't be sorry, not offensive at all. Im glad u have a good relationship with your dd. Best wishes

I have two sets of Irish twins within my family. My mum uses the term. She is Irish!

OP could it be that she doesn't know what to say? I am so rubbish with knowing what to say in these situations. I'd find a message much easier.

Thank you. My dad asked me to tell my dc and I whatsapped them to tell them. They had asked to be kept informed. Dd has phoned my parents. It only happened 48 hours ago. They are all coming to his funeral. My brother had no friends so he only had me and my parents. I was very close to him and now I'm an only child.

Sorry for your loss OP - if it's only been 48 hours she might just be giving you some time? Saying that I would perhaps find it a bit odd to find out over WhatsApp rather than a phone call, I know when my mum lost her sibling she did call us all, and that's when I was able to speak to her about it and say how sorry I was. I'm glad she's spoken to your parents, I would say that shows that she's not being rude or unkind about it - she's hopefully either giving you space or will see / speak to you soon.

I’d be most upset about your husbands reaction to be honest, why, for goodness sake, would he laugh in your face for expressing your feelings following a close bereavement?! Your daughter has been, for want of better phrasing, rather thoughtless to simply message and not call but some people find navigating the bereaved very difficult. She ought to have done better perhaps but I would like to think it wasn’t from disregard and lack of care. She may well have just been matching your example, you didn’t call her, so she hasn’t called you, she may feel you don’t want or need a heavy phone call. I’d try not to take this to heart, you’re feeling bad enough as it is without giving to thinking your daughter would’ve done this on purpose.
My condolences for your loss 💐

So she has sent her condolences via WhatsApp..? If that's how you usually communicate then that seems reasonable. People are often unsure what to say in these situations, especially if they have no experience of it themselves. If you want to talk to her ring her.

If you whatsapped me to tell me my uncle had died I would assume you were fine without a phone call. You have set the precedent there. Phone her if you want to talk to her OP

She just said the usual condolences. I am probably ND too and my ds is but dd is normally the most empathic of my dc.

I agree that as you whatsapped her to inform her she won’t have seen anything wrong in using the same communication form to respond.

The appalling behaviour here is that of your husband in trying to downgrade your grief.

Many condolences 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I do believe though that as you informed your children via WhatsApp, it is unreasonable of you to expect them to telephone. You may have generated a different response had you actually called them with the news. Learning of someone's passing by way of text message might well have made your DD more inclined to respond to it in exactly the same way.

Take care of yourself.

Perhaps she mistakenly thinks this approach is what you'd prefer right now. For example, given you messaged her with the news rather than calling, she might think you're too upset to handle a phone call right now. If she's normally empathetic it seems reasonable that she's misread things and it's a misunderstanding, rather than she's suddenly become callous.

Sorry for the loss of your brother.

So sorry for your loss.

She has responded in the way that you told her about the death.

She probably assumed that is how you want to communicate.

If you wanted to talk then you would have phoned her to tell her in the first place.

However, your husband laughing is cruel and bizarre.

Ah. In that case I think she probably thought WhatsApp was an acceptable medium in which to reply.

I’m sorry for your loss. I think your DH’s reaction was strange.

I think you may be putting a lot on your daughter, though. She has a family of her own; she did get in touch with you to offer condolences. You seem to have expected her to visit this uncle since she lived closer to him - though still nearly an hour away - despite the fact that they didn’t really have a relationship with him, and will have been busy with her own family responsibilities. And he may not have welcomed her visit.

If you have an otherwise good relationship with your daughter, I wonder if you are making her somehow the displaced focus of your grief. Focussing on what you’d like her to have done differently.

Everything gets a bit confused and turned around in the pain of grief. I think this is hurt that doesn’t come from your daughter though.

Thank you. I'm sure she's not being callous and I am very upset atm. I just commented to dh that I was surprised she hadn't phoned and his response made me think. Even though his death was not unexpected it was still a shock as he was in good form when I left him the day before. I know he hasn't done everything he wanted to do to get his affairs in order as he thought he had longer. He died at my parents' home.