Dd hasn't phoned me after my brother died

[Sadsistermother]

My only sibling died late last week. I was very close to him as we were very close in age. He was terminally ill and had been given 4 months to live but died after less than a month. It was unexpected. He was ND and unmarried with no children.
Anyway I have 4dc, one still at school and the others are adult. 2 of my adult dc telephoned me to make sure I was okay but the 3rd (married with dc) hasn't though she has phoned by parents to offer condolences. She sent me a short WhatsApp. I mentioned this to dh and he started laughing very loudly at my expectation as though I was putting myself at the same level as my parents in terms of loss. I am devastated at my brother's death. AIBU

[MNHQ have edited the OP so the thread doesn't get derailed by discussion about a particular phrase]

I am so sorry for your loss OP. Your husband's reaction is awful, I'd be so hurt in your position. I would call your daughter, call her with your voice and just tell her you're sad. She's an adult, she's a parent, she can take a little emotion from you. Just reach out and ask for support, I'm sure she will come good if you communicate your need. You are not imposing. Take care of yourself x

You WhatsApped her, but think it’s off that she responded in the same way? I’m afraid I don’t understand your point of view here. If it was important to you to get her condolences on the phone, then why didn’t you phone her to inform her of the loss? WhatsApping the information kind of sends out a message that it’s not that important, I think, and sets a precedent for communication. I understand that for you, it’s important, but I think this stems from a misunderstanding, rather than your daughter being insensitive or mean.

I think your husband was insensitive though. Even if he thinks as I do, laughing is entirely inappropriate.

Sorry for your loss.

I never expected them to visit him when he became unwell. It was very sudden and traumatic. I don't think he'd have necessarily wanted them to visit when he was in hospital but they were expecting to see him at Easter in 2 weeks. He only came home last week.

It sounds like your DD is generally a lovely person who has a lot on her plate.

She responded to your message. I think you should assume she was being kind and respecting you.

I think you might be focusing on this to distract you from your grief.

Sorry, @Sadsistermother , I must have misunderstood. I thought you were implying that since she lived closer she might have seen him.

Could it be that she's scared to upset you? DD never asks me about her gran who died when she was 2 because I still get upset over it, she told me that she doesn't want to make me cry.

I think this is all very understandable, you'll be feeling so shocked and fragile at the moment and I don't think your husband's reaction was very helpful for you. Perhaps you could message your DD to suggest a phone call later, and hopefully you will feel her love then.

Oh, OP. I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't understand your husband's reaction- that sounds very cold, is he usually like that?

Cut your DD some slack - she has contacted you, after all. It might be that she knows the others have called and doesn't want to bombard you as it's so soon afterwards.

I think your DH's reaction is the coldest of all. Your DD has contacted you, it is only 48 hours, and she will no doubt be in contact again soon.

Condolences OP loss of a sibling is very hard and your DD is really letting herself down . My kids were such a support to me when my brother died - DS ended up quitting his job as they wouldn't give him time off for the funeral ( abroad). He couldn't contemplate not being there for my parents and me .

I was more surprised than upset but dh's response just made me think. I'll probably message her to arrange a phone call.

FFS going on about an innocuous phrase when someone is posting about a death is a new level of cunty behaviour.

Happy St Patrick’s Day ☘️

OP I’m sorry to hear about your brother, people do often respond in an odd way to sad news. Give your DD a ring.

I don't think your DD thought she was mismanaging her response as she followed your lead. If you'd feel better chatting to her, just ring her yourself. Your "DH" is the one with the inappropriate response. I can't imagine my DH responding like that if my sibling had died, especially one he knew I was very close to.

I sympathise so much, losing the person with whom you shared your childhood. It's very hard.

Yes he is always putting me down and making me feel bad. He is actually my ex dh but refuses to discuss it but that's a discussion for another day.
Dd has contacted my parents and I know she'll do anything to make it easier for them. Losing a child must be the worst thing to happen to you. My parents have both lost one sibling but they still have another sibling and their siblings were in their 70s when they died.

Sorry for your loss @Sadsistermother

YANBU to feel the way you do. It is a very recent death, your feelings are bound to be all over the place. I don't think your dd has done anything wrong. She did contact you via WhatsApp.

Your dh is being a total dick for laughing at you. He should know how close you were to your brother and how devastated you are. It's not the bereavement olympics ffs.

🙄🙄🙄 I am
one of “Irish twins” from an Irish family and my mum (Co. Kildare born and bred) always called us that. And this OP is grieving so have some bloody compassion.

What are Irish twins?

Leave her alone she's just been bereaved

Children born within a year of one another.

You sent a WhatsApp to tell them their Uncle died? I think if someone told me about a family member’s death by WhatsApp, then I would respond the same way as they clearly don’t want to talk about it.

I'm so so so sorry about your brother. This must be a rotten time for you. My brother past away almost 2 years ago unexpectedly and it just feels so out of the natural order of things. It sucks and I'm sorry.

Also, sadly, people suck with death. Perhaps your daughter just doesn't know what to say. Maybe she's never lost anyone as close to her as your brother is to you and doesn't understand the crushing weight of it and how important it is to feel seen. Has anyone coached her through it? Explained how she should be acting in this situation? As a culture we are very unpracticed with death. I dealt with my grief pretty much solo. Everyone assumed I'd want to cancel plans and not talk about it until I was over it and then continue to not talk about it. It was isolating and awful, but I don't think it was malicious, I think people are just clueless and often wrapped in their own lives. Maybe she needs a guiding hand from someone who has capacity to educate her (ie not you)?

How very rude. Would you call someone a twat to their face?
This is aibu; differing opinions acceptable, personal abuse not

Children born within a year of each other. Very offensive phrase.