Incident with school teacher and children

[HurtingHillary]

AIBU?

long ish story.

My child 1 went out to play one afternoon after school, had been out the house for between 5-10 minutes and had pre arranged to go to B’s house (classmate KS2)

I’d been in A&E and am in a leg brace/ can’t weight bare had been home an hour (just as kids where getting home from school)

my other child 2, school year younger was playing with 2 friends (also pupils) on our garden in eyesight of the front door and are well aware of who Miss X is - Miss X is the TA for child 1 & child B’s class.

Child 2 comes flying into the house shouting ‘mum mum Miss X is here’ (i won’t lie at first I thought I was hallucinating from the medicine given me to earlier)
so I say ‘okay just tell her I’m coming but I’ll be a moment because of my leg’

Miss X’s child is renowned for maliciously commenting on the food/condiments other school pupils are eating from the school lunch hall (causing my child to not eat at school for around 2 weeks and the school to raise their concerns over my child not eating) She has very little friends and there has been previous run in’s between her and my child 1 with both girls being told to stay away from each other. And obviously rumour has is this child does this to numerous children and they all avoid her like the plague.

hobbled to the front door on two crutches to see indeed Miss X and her two children stood outside my front door, she then walks into the kitchen (uninvited!) with her two children and says ‘do you know what this is about?’ With one of her children in what id call melodramatic ‘floods of tears’, I say no?
she goes on to tell me that she won’t have her child bullied ganged up on and sworn at, and that my child 1 has been swearing at her child and tries to show me some voice notes on Snapchat from another child’s account (the child my child 1 has gone to play with) Miss X is then explaining there’s a class Snapchat account and had been an incident the day before with her child being bullied - I call my child 1 and her friend child B to come to my house immediately (they did, 2 doors down 20 second walk) both children (child 1 & child B) look absolutely gobsmacked, I ask them what’s been going on? What is this all about? Neither of them have much of an answer at that time, my child 1 is told to come in by me and that she is now grounded.
Miss X is during this trying to explain the incident the day before involved Child B (so nothing to do with my child) along with other children from the year group and that her child is desperately upset and being bullied and that swearing is wrong and how Miss X checks her children’s phones and social media nightly and that ‘she’s keeping this out of school’, during this my third child and her dad come into the kitchen to see what is going on, Miss X is all sweetness and light towards him, all ‘hiya how are you doing?’ (Fluttery eyelashes/cleavage squeeze)
it ends with myself saying the children need to keep apart, that they clearly don’t get along and not to comment on who’s eating what food or not eating what food and to ignore each other, I tell my child 1 that she is grounded for the swearing and we will talk about this when the others have gone, Miss X flounces off to go to speak to the parent of Child B. I send child B home after Miss X has left my house.

the back story:
it comes out that the day before Miss X’s child was on this Snapchat class group chat ‘being bossy’ and lots of the kids pretty much told her where to go with a boy from the class particularly swearing and name calling.
which then carried on to the next day on leaving the school Miss X’s child and the boy had a spat at the school gates, for then child B and Miss X’s child to get going in a private Snapchat thread which my child’s walked into and joined in literally minutes before Miss X arrived at my house. My child isn’t on the Snapchat group and doesn’t have the contact details of Miss X’s child - my child doesn’t like the girl.

I don’t condone any of the kids behaviour and don’t like bullying either way , however I’m furious about Miss X’s behaviour.
she’s come to my house uninvited.
walked into my house Infront of her two children and 3 other pupils from the school she works in.
she’s come to me first even though this incident is on its second day and my daughter had just become involved minutes earlier and there are between 12-20 other pupils involved.
her remarks about phone checking
her what feels like a threat of ‘keeping this out of school’
i cant even verbalise how angry and what exactly im angry about but im furious and don’t feel Miss X should be working in the same classroom as my child 1 and child B - I just don’t think her behaviour is appropriate nor can she be trusted to fairly support either my child 1 or child B let alone any of these other children on the group chat from the day before.

I did ring the school numerous times as usually there is someone in the office for an hour or so after school but no answer

AIBU to feel this way?

Thank you all for your replies and thoughts.

Ive read through them all.

shes not accessed our address from any school file - we live at the back entrance of the school on a cul-de-sac (we are on the corner semi detached) she and most other parents/stafd who live in the village or estate would walk past our house to get to the estate or the village or to school in the morning. - she will have known what house was ours as she will have seen the kids going in and out and she supports another child in their class who lives opposite us.
wish I could draw a diagram to show clearly.

the door was open when i got in the kitchen and she was stood outside, as she saw me walk into the kitchen (open door- my son had left it open) she entered with her kids - think of a rectangle from the street to the back of the house - she was at the top and I came through the side about half way down the rectangle (it’s a side extension on a typical 3 bed house which houses the kitchen and the garage - single story) definitely didn’t invite her in, nor had she ever been in my house before.

ex partner and my youngest were in my bedroom (downstairs) with me and they stayed there initially, he said he came through to the kitchen because he could hear the allegations and wanted to know I was okay.

she lives 4 or 5 streets away on the estate but I couldn’t tell you which house or road - just up near to the row of shops ( now I know this because she’s reported parents of the children in my sons class for allowing their kids to play out unsupervised (hence the boys on my front garden playing together which I can see/hear from my bedroom window - ground floor) or to go to the shop and the school put out ‘guidance’ regarding that, it was her according to other parents, as she’s the only staff member who lives nearby so although I don’t know it for a fact she’s got no issues usually going to school to report incidents/issues hypothetically)

my presumption is that she was on her way to child B’s house after the incident from the day before had carried on at the school gate and then then child B came involved with her child on Snapchat, she will have then decided to go the child B’s parents, my child then became involved and Miss X has come to mine.

I absolutely take on board about about social media and stupidly thought WhatsApp was safe for my child which is was wrong to assume. I use WhatsApp for work as a way to contact my clients and suppliers I don’t use Snapchat myself.

she has family and only a single friend from her old school as a contact - I have removed the old school friend from WhatsApp and told my child she is to text only and reiterated that she’s not to speak to anyone she doesn’t have the phone number of, her phone is currently confiscated. They used WhatsApp to do video calls and send photos of kid stuff (drawings/sewing/books/their pets/new clothes ect) I do and have monitored her phone usually by taking a look a couple of times a week. My child had asked for Snapchat but I’ve always said secondary school I’ve since this thread and the info given to me from you all told her she will have to wait until she is 13 or 16 whichever age Snapchat or whatever social media app it is says is appropriate. removing her phone permanently isn’t something I can do as it is court ordered her contact with her dad goes through her phone - hence also assuming a phone was fine as carcass/the judge ordered that in the Child arrangements order.

I don’t allow my child on Snapchat or other social media but I didn’t realise until this hammered home just how easy it is for kids to access via friends. That’s a scary thought and I will address this with child B’s mum - but she’s a ‘cool’ mum and probably wont see the issue.

I do not expect school to deal with the snap chat incident - that’s not my place, but I will be raising it as ‘I’m concerned and understand this is the back story’

from my understanding from speaking to some of the children and mums and obviously our experience - Miss x’s child is seen as the ‘bully’ and makes these food related comments/nastiness and is bossy to a lot of the children, the kids have had enough and turned on Miss X’s child. That seems to be the crux of the incident.
thats what I’m going to be bringing to the schools attention (they are already aware of this to a degree because we have brought it up since October, my DD joined the school in September) I’ll suggest better supervision needs to be given in the dinning hall if this is now is causing upset in other pupils which in turn is leading to a parent feeling their child is being bullied for their behaviour on social media.

the keeping it out of school - is what threw me massively along with not getting the full story and the turning up at my house and coming in bold as brass- that’s what I’ve taken major offence to.

I also understand as a parent it’s heartbreaking having your child upset by peers in their class or other children and the damage done by bullying. However with all the back story and history the story miss X came to my door with simply isn’t straight forward and nor are these particular children ‘bullies’ yes their swearing is inappropriate and nasty but allegedly it’s in retaliation to Miss X’s child’s own swearing and comments. The number of children involved is between 13-20 on social media out of 2 classes in the same year group so a total of aprox 50 kids - that’s something like 40% of the class on Snapchat.

I don’t hand on heart don’t think I was Miss X’s target I think she’s come to me as I’m on the walk down to child B’s but I do feel Miss X has not handled this well and her tunnel vision over this ongoing incident makes her unsuitable to support the children in her own child’s year group and hope that the school recognises part.

im not expecting school to sit down and deal with every spat and ‘he said she said’ but I’d like them to issue further guidance to all parents and pupils in regards to social media/phone use,to keep an eye on repeated offenders and safeguard if they deem it necessary and to keep a better eye on lunch time spats that have spilled out of school onto social media. I also expected them to remove the TA, Miss X from the year group and if that isn’t done I will be taking the failure to safeguard in general by the school a lot further, I’m almost certain under the education act 2002 children have a right to a safe education, I think by allowing Miss x to remain as the class TA this is not safeguarding the children in the class, not just my child child B and Miss X’s but the other 12-20 classmates from the day before on the group Snapchat group chat.

im still very angry but thanks to this thread have managed to sort my thoughts out in a more consise way.

I will update in due course.

thank you again.

13-20 children against 1 child says it all.

Have you seen what bullying on SM does to children. If parent excuse and minimise their DC actions then SM will always be unsafe and bullying will continue to be rife.

If someone brought to my attention what my DC are doing behind my back I will thank them instead of causing them trouble with their employer. Unbelievable.

You sound utterly bonkers.

1. Is the school responsible for the fact that you don't understand social media?
2. How do you know that the school haven't educated the kids about social media? I can guarantee it is part of the curriculum. There is no evidence the kids do not understand social media nor is there any evidence they don't know they are bullying the other child. They simply want to do so and their parents don't take responsibility for their use of the phones.
3. How are the children not being safeguarded by the school due to Miss X's presence?

You as the parent are responsible for what your child does outside school. A gang of children swearing and being nasty on Snapchat is down to the parents. Sounds to me like the kids ate being nasty and the parents are trying to use a previous argument in the lunch hall to justify their child's actions.

I agree and not sure why op has said the children have a right to a safe education, it sounds like you have a vendetta against this ta and you're not coming out of this sounding very nice to be honest.

It absolutely is a lot for any child to cope with. But that does not mean that there is not more to the story.

I once had a kid who just was not a pleasant child. They interacted by being unkind and saying nasty things to other children constantly. The other children didn't enjoy their company and quite bluntly said they didn't want to be around someone so unkind. It all came to a head when they had a supply in and the child was being their usual selves and the entire table responded leading to said child getting angry and complaining to the supply teacher who admonished the table and nearly the entire class responded calling the child exactly what they thought of them. Of course the child got upset. It was a horrible situation they were in. But that child was the bully. That does not excuse the other childrens reactions that day but it does explain it and provide context.

The fact that there was up to 20 kids involved actually makes a stronger case that the school should have been involved. There is no way the TA could have handled this situation outside of the school without undermining the classroom relationships. I can't comment on her intentions or reasoning in approaching it herself. But in the many schools I worked in the policy has always been a staff member should not be involved in resolving a dispute involving their child. This post is a perfect example of why.

It may be a line you don't like but it's not something the school would need to step into.

We've all met Mums like this - ready to complain about other kids but incapable of seeing any fault in their own - and, obviously, her behaviour wasn't exactly ideal, but complaining to the school is an over reaction, I think.

OP has given us no indication that the TA isn't professional in school or that she is incapable of treating the children in her classes impartially.