Incident with school teacher and children

[HurtingHillary]

AIBU?

long ish story.

My child 1 went out to play one afternoon after school, had been out the house for between 5-10 minutes and had pre arranged to go to B’s house (classmate KS2)

I’d been in A&E and am in a leg brace/ can’t weight bare had been home an hour (just as kids where getting home from school)

my other child 2, school year younger was playing with 2 friends (also pupils) on our garden in eyesight of the front door and are well aware of who Miss X is - Miss X is the TA for child 1 & child B’s class.

Child 2 comes flying into the house shouting ‘mum mum Miss X is here’ (i won’t lie at first I thought I was hallucinating from the medicine given me to earlier)
so I say ‘okay just tell her I’m coming but I’ll be a moment because of my leg’

Miss X’s child is renowned for maliciously commenting on the food/condiments other school pupils are eating from the school lunch hall (causing my child to not eat at school for around 2 weeks and the school to raise their concerns over my child not eating) She has very little friends and there has been previous run in’s between her and my child 1 with both girls being told to stay away from each other. And obviously rumour has is this child does this to numerous children and they all avoid her like the plague.

hobbled to the front door on two crutches to see indeed Miss X and her two children stood outside my front door, she then walks into the kitchen (uninvited!) with her two children and says ‘do you know what this is about?’ With one of her children in what id call melodramatic ‘floods of tears’, I say no?
she goes on to tell me that she won’t have her child bullied ganged up on and sworn at, and that my child 1 has been swearing at her child and tries to show me some voice notes on Snapchat from another child’s account (the child my child 1 has gone to play with) Miss X is then explaining there’s a class Snapchat account and had been an incident the day before with her child being bullied - I call my child 1 and her friend child B to come to my house immediately (they did, 2 doors down 20 second walk) both children (child 1 & child B) look absolutely gobsmacked, I ask them what’s been going on? What is this all about? Neither of them have much of an answer at that time, my child 1 is told to come in by me and that she is now grounded.
Miss X is during this trying to explain the incident the day before involved Child B (so nothing to do with my child) along with other children from the year group and that her child is desperately upset and being bullied and that swearing is wrong and how Miss X checks her children’s phones and social media nightly and that ‘she’s keeping this out of school’, during this my third child and her dad come into the kitchen to see what is going on, Miss X is all sweetness and light towards him, all ‘hiya how are you doing?’ (Fluttery eyelashes/cleavage squeeze)
it ends with myself saying the children need to keep apart, that they clearly don’t get along and not to comment on who’s eating what food or not eating what food and to ignore each other, I tell my child 1 that she is grounded for the swearing and we will talk about this when the others have gone, Miss X flounces off to go to speak to the parent of Child B. I send child B home after Miss X has left my house.

the back story:
it comes out that the day before Miss X’s child was on this Snapchat class group chat ‘being bossy’ and lots of the kids pretty much told her where to go with a boy from the class particularly swearing and name calling.
which then carried on to the next day on leaving the school Miss X’s child and the boy had a spat at the school gates, for then child B and Miss X’s child to get going in a private Snapchat thread which my child’s walked into and joined in literally minutes before Miss X arrived at my house. My child isn’t on the Snapchat group and doesn’t have the contact details of Miss X’s child - my child doesn’t like the girl.

I don’t condone any of the kids behaviour and don’t like bullying either way , however I’m furious about Miss X’s behaviour.
she’s come to my house uninvited.
walked into my house Infront of her two children and 3 other pupils from the school she works in.
she’s come to me first even though this incident is on its second day and my daughter had just become involved minutes earlier and there are between 12-20 other pupils involved.
her remarks about phone checking
her what feels like a threat of ‘keeping this out of school’
i cant even verbalise how angry and what exactly im angry about but im furious and don’t feel Miss X should be working in the same classroom as my child 1 and child B - I just don’t think her behaviour is appropriate nor can she be trusted to fairly support either my child 1 or child B let alone any of these other children on the group chat from the day before.

I did ring the school numerous times as usually there is someone in the office for an hour or so after school but no answer

AIBU to feel this way?

Batshit behaviour from a TA, that needs dealing with by school.

The online issue cannot be solved by school. People need to realise that kids that age being on WhatsApp or social media is a recipe for disaster. Every single year our year 5 and 6 teachers have the same response to similar parental complaints….a child that age doesn’t need a phone. Take it away.

She absolutely should not have barged into your house. The schools that I have worked in do want to know about online bullying / unkindness to help safeguard our children. She may be a parent but she is also a TA and therefore has a level of professionalism expected of her inside and outside school. If she didn’t know how to deal with it she could have asked a colleague (teacher or head) to help her unpick how to deal with it.

It's very unusual to keep staff in the same class as their children because of issues like this. Even with the best will in the world and the utmost professionalism, it's incredibly hard to be impartial when it's your kid crying , especially during the school day. It wasn't a wise decision to out her in that position in the first place, especially as it sounds that they had other options.

She came to you as a mum, so it's completely reasonable for you to assume that she will behave as a mum in class and worry about it. This is what I ,personally, would focus on and the fact that the trust is gone and relationships have broken down.

Snapchat is a red herring.

The kids don't get on. Her child sounds like the bully to me. She needs to deal with her child.

Don't ground your child just talk to them about relationships and that not everyone gets on with everyone else.

She is OOO coming to your house and walking in uninvited - why didn't you say anything?

How has she got your address? If she’s used school data that’s a serious GDPR breach.

Why the hell are these primary school kids on Snapchat?!

Personally I'd go to the school.

I would ask they do some lesson of SM use.

Say your DD doesn't have Snapchat but others do and she's been communicating with them to each other. Say you accept she wrong and is grounded.

Then name the pupils you know are on it including Miss X child.

I don't condone what the kids have done. But she's playing miss haughty parent but she's allowing her KS2 child to use SM underage.

Allowing primary age children smart phones, especially when you don’t research risks of WhatsApp and “think” things are safe against strangers messaging etc is introducing an unnecessary danger to your child.
It is the same as letting them to go to a group activity on their own without doing any research on who might be there, what your child might be exposed to when there, who else might have access to the group, but it is ok to send them because other parents let their kids to join and you think you know it is ok.

School should deal with this, but schools are overrun with having to deal with this sort of shit day in and day out. Imagine the difference to our children if, instead of dealing with squabbles etc through phones that parents have allowed their underage children access to, staff were free to be able to support overall mental health and teaching and learning.

She shouldn't have walked into your house without being invited. This sounds like a class matter and it should have been dealt with through school. Snap chat is dodgy ground - my son faced a day in isolation for something he said on a group with school friends, which in fact was misinterpreted by the child who reported it.
I would not engage in conversation about it again with her but would report it all to the school and let them deal with it. Why doesn't she want to go through school and what year are these children?

What @DodgeDoggie says. If you work in a school where your children attend you instantly forfeit 'being able to keep things out of school'. All and any involvement with families and children you work with has to be done with the highest professional boundaries. I would question the reason she wants to keep it out of school. Also as TA she defaults to the class teacher. And yes get them all off social media. I get why your child has a phone and I work with someone who's child has a phone provided by the other parent as they are separated. KS2 children are not mature enough to interact on social media.....they are barely mature enough to interact in person! And more often than not it all starts in school. The phone access allows them to keep at it long after the fact.

I don't think she did anything wrong. If she lives near your then she would know where you live. Your DD and her friend were being unkind on SM after school, you can encourage your daughter to stay away but she can't ostracise the TA daughter in a group.

I can't help but feel you are trying to minimise the bullying and that's why you are bringing up what she did to your daughter before. Things that happen at school stay at school but if something happens outside and she is your neighbour she has can come and speak to you.
She called your daughter out and you don't like it. She came to you as a mother not as a TA. Do you think TA's and their children should take everything other children and their parents throw at them?

OP I think you need to just slow down a bit and get your thoughts in order before firing off an angry email to school. Also, please look at the school’s complaints procedure and make sure you follow all the steps properly.

It seems there is more than one issue you are upset about.

There’s the school food problem…which I don’t fully understand from what you have written, but which I think is a school issue and which did involve your child and Miss X.

And there are two bullying issues which both occurred out of school and only the second one of which involved your child.
The first issue doesn’t involve you or your child at all as I understand it and Miss x isn’t falsely accusing your daughter over this issue. So that issue isn’t a school issue and has probably already been sorted privately between Miss X and child B’s mum in much the same way as you have sorted the second issue yourself.
You have already successfully dealt with your child over the second issue which happened not with her own phone but using her friend’s phone.

You have readily accepted the advice on here about your child having been underage for certain apps. And you have talked your child through the mistakes she might have made and might therefore be at risk of repeating. So this second issue is now finished with and sorted. Job done and I’m sure you are happy to have the chance to learn yourself about which apps she can and can’t legally have, as well as to guide your child through the pitfalls of phone use.

Then there is the issue of Miss X coming into your home uninvited to inform you about the bullying of her daughter. You have accepted that you enabled her to enter, in that you didn’t refuse entry or even question her entry directly with her at the time so that she didn’t know she wasn’t welcome.
You also said that the latter part of the visit was quite sociable (albeit flirty with your husband).
Miss X told you that she wanted this dealt with out of school, so that’s why she had come to you, not as a staff member, but as mum to mum. You actually sent her to child B’s house to talk about it so it seems you were quite willing at the time to meet her request to have dealt with it out of school. So when you look at it objectively you were compliant with her coming into your house and with her going to child B’s house. And with dealing with her issue yourself, out of school, mum to mum.

And then there is your heightened anger and dislike for Miss x and your wish for her not to be allowed to work alongside your child becasue of the issues above.

By your own admission, it was a lot to deal with immediately after your visit to A&E so it’s best to make sure that any email you send to school is accurate and objective and contains enough fact and evidence to constitute a complaint. Take out all personal emotions and make sure you aren’t still angry when you compose it. Tell the school what outcome you would like from having raised this complaint eg more professional training for Miss X.
Again, make sure you are complying with the complaints procedure of the school.

The last thing you will want is for your complaint to be thrown out or for this to snowball and become a witch hunt.

Touche.😎

You can't agree about children not being on social media then say your child's on WhatsApp it's just as bad!

I'm really sorry someone violated your safe space while you are so vulnerable. You definitely need to email school. There are some really good prompts on this thread.

I suspect Mrs X is trying to keep it out of school because the school are likely well aware of her child's behaviour. I wouldn't be surprised if the snap chat incident occurred after Mrs X's child has been particularly nasty or provocative and her latest attack was the straw that broke the camels back.

I'm not condoning the children's behaviour, and I'm certainly not condoning bullying. But if the incident is addressed by school, they will also want to address her child's ongoing behaviour towards her peers in order to resolve the whole issue.

How does Mrs X know your address? If there's a chance she's accessed your address at school you need to make the headteacher and academy trust aware of this as a matter of urgency, because if she has done this shes broken GDPR and they need to deal with it.

I really hope you get everything sorted, so that you can have your surgery and recover in peace.

How do you know she wasn't really upset?

I work in a primary school and agree it is completely unprofessional of her to approach you outside of school about this. Contact the school to let them know.

I don’t think I would complain tbh. She was distressed. She got things wrong. She wasn’t calling in her capacity as TA but as a parent whose child has been bullied. Sometimes people approach things badly when they are upset and rather than escalating, can you not just accept it as that.
Since when is it wrong to turn up at a fellow mum’s door uninvited. It doesn’t sound like she forced her way into your kitchen, nor did you say ‘ I’m sorry you can’t come in at the moment’. Or ‘ please leave now’. You didn’t like her before this event, your language is peppered with dislike, judgement and pique. you rightly say the kids shouldn’t be on SM.
I would have reacted differently. I would have invited a distressed mum and children in, given her a cup of tea, listened, tried to calm her down . She made it clear she wasn’t acting in a professional capacity, to involve school is wholly unnecessary and inflammatory. To suggest you don’t think she is suitable to be working with children, is unnecessary and inflammatory. She may have come to you because she thought you would be understanding/friendly and because you dislike her and her child you have misconstrued.

I think there's a reason she wants to keep it out of school and it's not fir your families benefit

If you "absolutely agree", then why does your child have WhatsApp?

The issues with WhatsApp are multiple around safeguarding.
access to inappropriate memes/videos
your number being added from one group to the next without your permission meaning you could end up being added to a group whereby you don’t know anyone
etc
etc

I don’t think I would complain tbh. She was distressed. She got things wrong. She wasn’t calling in her capacity as TA but as a parent whose child has been bullied.

You have to consider this if you take a job in your child's school or send them to a school where you work.

When you work in a school you are privy to all sorts of information that you would not know otherwise. For a start the TA would have known that the OP was an ordinary mother and not a mafia boss or something.

There has to be a line and when you work in a school it's there all of the time.

Most parents would not go to another parents house to sort out an issue like this regardless of whether they worked in the child's school or not.

TAs wouldn’t have access to addresses.

I agree, I do supply and more than half the time the TA logs on to SIMS or Scholar Pack.