Incident with school teacher and children

[HurtingHillary]

AIBU?

long ish story.

My child 1 went out to play one afternoon after school, had been out the house for between 5-10 minutes and had pre arranged to go to B’s house (classmate KS2)

I’d been in A&E and am in a leg brace/ can’t weight bare had been home an hour (just as kids where getting home from school)

my other child 2, school year younger was playing with 2 friends (also pupils) on our garden in eyesight of the front door and are well aware of who Miss X is - Miss X is the TA for child 1 & child B’s class.

Child 2 comes flying into the house shouting ‘mum mum Miss X is here’ (i won’t lie at first I thought I was hallucinating from the medicine given me to earlier)
so I say ‘okay just tell her I’m coming but I’ll be a moment because of my leg’

Miss X’s child is renowned for maliciously commenting on the food/condiments other school pupils are eating from the school lunch hall (causing my child to not eat at school for around 2 weeks and the school to raise their concerns over my child not eating) She has very little friends and there has been previous run in’s between her and my child 1 with both girls being told to stay away from each other. And obviously rumour has is this child does this to numerous children and they all avoid her like the plague.

hobbled to the front door on two crutches to see indeed Miss X and her two children stood outside my front door, she then walks into the kitchen (uninvited!) with her two children and says ‘do you know what this is about?’ With one of her children in what id call melodramatic ‘floods of tears’, I say no?
she goes on to tell me that she won’t have her child bullied ganged up on and sworn at, and that my child 1 has been swearing at her child and tries to show me some voice notes on Snapchat from another child’s account (the child my child 1 has gone to play with) Miss X is then explaining there’s a class Snapchat account and had been an incident the day before with her child being bullied - I call my child 1 and her friend child B to come to my house immediately (they did, 2 doors down 20 second walk) both children (child 1 & child B) look absolutely gobsmacked, I ask them what’s been going on? What is this all about? Neither of them have much of an answer at that time, my child 1 is told to come in by me and that she is now grounded.
Miss X is during this trying to explain the incident the day before involved Child B (so nothing to do with my child) along with other children from the year group and that her child is desperately upset and being bullied and that swearing is wrong and how Miss X checks her children’s phones and social media nightly and that ‘she’s keeping this out of school’, during this my third child and her dad come into the kitchen to see what is going on, Miss X is all sweetness and light towards him, all ‘hiya how are you doing?’ (Fluttery eyelashes/cleavage squeeze)
it ends with myself saying the children need to keep apart, that they clearly don’t get along and not to comment on who’s eating what food or not eating what food and to ignore each other, I tell my child 1 that she is grounded for the swearing and we will talk about this when the others have gone, Miss X flounces off to go to speak to the parent of Child B. I send child B home after Miss X has left my house.

the back story:
it comes out that the day before Miss X’s child was on this Snapchat class group chat ‘being bossy’ and lots of the kids pretty much told her where to go with a boy from the class particularly swearing and name calling.
which then carried on to the next day on leaving the school Miss X’s child and the boy had a spat at the school gates, for then child B and Miss X’s child to get going in a private Snapchat thread which my child’s walked into and joined in literally minutes before Miss X arrived at my house. My child isn’t on the Snapchat group and doesn’t have the contact details of Miss X’s child - my child doesn’t like the girl.

I don’t condone any of the kids behaviour and don’t like bullying either way , however I’m furious about Miss X’s behaviour.
she’s come to my house uninvited.
walked into my house Infront of her two children and 3 other pupils from the school she works in.
she’s come to me first even though this incident is on its second day and my daughter had just become involved minutes earlier and there are between 12-20 other pupils involved.
her remarks about phone checking
her what feels like a threat of ‘keeping this out of school’
i cant even verbalise how angry and what exactly im angry about but im furious and don’t feel Miss X should be working in the same classroom as my child 1 and child B - I just don’t think her behaviour is appropriate nor can she be trusted to fairly support either my child 1 or child B let alone any of these other children on the group chat from the day before.

I did ring the school numerous times as usually there is someone in the office for an hour or so after school but no answer

AIBU to feel this way?

I understand your view and points perfectly.

what do you think in regards to Miss x?

I will mention the above as it gives some context thank you.

This!

And also mention that you feel there is now a conflict of interest with her lack of professionalism and being around your daughter in a professional capacity so you’d like as little contact between her and your daughter at school as possible.

I also think she’s unsuited to working with children, particularly children aligned with her own children’s ages. No wonder the trust has gone and you feel concerned about her ability to professionally monitor the children when alone with them in the playground. The fact she has done a home visit without school knowledge or school permission rings loud alarm bells. Added to this is the fact she’s only seeing things from her DDs viewpoint and is lacking overview and impartiality.

That’s another brilliant paragraph to add to my email, thank you very much, you’ve put into polite words what I’m thinking.

the children have a right to an education she doesn’t have the right to the position in that class room.

I think this is amazingly well put thank you very much.

I want to touch on that I’ve punished (grounded/confiscated phone/done a ‘don’t do what other kids tell you to do’ long conversation ) my daughter for her part in the second situation. I also understand Miss x as a parent is going to be upset and frustrated that she feels her child is being ‘bullied’ however the other side of the coin is that it’s over situations her child is causing at school and that maybe school can do a key stage 2 assembly about negative views on food/eating and the consequence of children picking on others (fat/eating disorders) along with cyber bullying ect.

tricky age they are at it’s a year 5 group so not the big fish of the school but getting that way and hormones are starting alongside the sensitivity over body’s and shapes and sizes.

see I’m so mad about this entire situation that I can’t get my thoughts out clearly - usually I’m to the point and firm like your messages. Thank you so much for writing clear and concise replies I’m going to refer back to them when writing my email and you are absolutely right in that I should include the governers too. Thank you

yes mention your own DDs consequences, although it sounds like her involvement was minimal.

possibly class group work on accepting and respecting that people are different, have different interests, like to eat different things, look different. Everyone is equal despite their differences. Qualities that make a good friend and good fellow class mate. If this fails, then maybe the class teacher could direct the child not to make negative comments about other peoples food or bodies. It’s important to knock this behaviour on the head as potentially it could trigger food or body issues, then eating disorders

I’m not surprised you’re mad, I’d be livid too

school could also do some work around responsible phone use and begin to include aspects of the law.

Whoa. Wait a minute...She's not a teacher then. This may explain part of the issue: I'd be shocked if a teacher behaved in this unprofessional manner. However, I've seen a few instances where a TA has been less aware of professional boundaries. (My experience is Scotland. Teachers are registered with the GTCS and have a code of conduct. A TA is not governed in the same way and this can be problematic.)

I'd email the school if I were you. Send it directly to the HT. (My advice would be the same if this person actually were a teacher.)

If there's no reply, you need to escalate.

I'm not that tech savvy. My cousin's daughter set up a What'sApp group for me when my husband died. I didn't have the App until then.

Occasionally, I've had messages from strange women* labouring under the misapprehension that I'm a middle-aged man. I just block them. However, I'd say that this means that your child could be in danger of being contacted by unsavoury types.

*Or people/bots pretending to be strange women.

She's not fit for the job. I've seen this kind of thing before. Delusions of grandeur.

Absolutely. I’m a TA and wouldn’t DREAM of walking into one of my parents homes regardless of the situation. She said she’s “keeping it out of school”, but unfortunately (for her), she doesn’t have much of a choice. She has NO right to walk into your home and it’s incredibly intrusive and unprofessional. I’d definitely raise it with school if I were you. Hope your leg gets better asap xx

Your last line is absolutely perfect and I shall be pinching it to add to the email thank you again very much appreciated.

yes her part was very minimal however if she’s being told to say bad words or be mean to somebody I want her to understand it’s not kind no matter what they have done in the past and that there is consequences for that sort of behaviour especially doing bad things peers tell you to do ( you hear about teens shop lifting or hurting others by being goaded all the time ☹️) and that she’s a young lady and calling someone a bitch isn’t acceptable. I’m a single parent and sometimes I struggle to get the good cop bad cop balance right because I’m trying to make up for dad being very very hands off, maybe I’ll re think the grounding from say Tuesday - that gives 4 days of not socialising and being bored at home with me?

i am absolutely furious and it’s made even worse that I’m housebound so I’m sat stewing. My daughter is a little apprehensive about returning to school on Monday but I’ve explained to her that Miss X’s behaviour isn’t okay and I’ll be dealing with it through school and she’s to forget about that part.

I’d definitely let School know as well the impact this has had on your daughter. She’s now worried about going to school next week. Not okay at all 💐

Thank you.

the school is now a trust? Not a LA school if that makes sense? I’m going to copy in the governors too.

if I need to escalate who would I do that too?

I can understand the difficulties with TA / teacher but to me going to a pupils house especially with other pupils around is just very dangerous territory.

As in she thinks because she works at the school she’s better than anyone else?

Miss x must be a neighbour.your dc and B sent her child bullying messages from Bs House .Miss X comes round with her distressed child immediately to inform you of the situation.
How does this make her unsuitable to work with children??

Your DC and child B are the bullies.stop minimising a d deflecting

This. She can be a parent or be a teacher but she has proved she cannot be both.

The keeping it out of school part completely threw me - she was talking about her child being bullied, gang up on - the previous day it was in a class group chat thingy ect

as a parent I’d be going to the school and wanting the school to deal with any bullying concerns not going to a parents house to discuss and keep it ‘out of school’ utterly nutty and just seemed to stink.

id understand if she had felt my child had stolen an item of her child’s and she had seen me out on the street and wanted to ask me about it. But this entire situation is childlike and ridiculous I can’t believe she’d have the audacity to seek out the parents directly.

thank you I hope it does too, I’ve torn or split the ligament that holds the kneecap into place it feels absolutely disgusting like when you have pins and needles in your foot then try to stand up - that jelly feeling urgh!

Yes. She's also implying that she has authority that she does not actually possess.

As for escalation: my experience is entirely in the Scottish system, but I should imagine that copying the email to the governors would be be appropriate and you should be able to obtain the name of the trust.

please report back and update, I hope the school will sort things out well.

I once had to endure an unprofessional primary school TA who would make awful judgmental comments to my kids and myself. In the end I asked the head to tell her not to speak to me or my kids. Thankfully she never spoke to us again and it turned out I was one of many parents who had complained about her behaviour and attitude.

She barged into another person's home. She gave the OP and her family details of other children allegedly involved in the bullying.

She did not come to the OP's home as an irate parent: as soon as she mentioned keeping things out of the school, she was trying to use her position for clout.

All of this is unprofessional behaviour.

No not a neighbour lives around 4 or 5 roads away.

from the sounds of it the messages had started the day before (not involving either my child or child B)
child B and her child were already in conversation when my child arrived at child B’s.

unsuitable to work with children due to her hot headedness and inability to maintain professional boundaries, trying to intimidate children she is employed to support in an educational setting.

unsure where I am ‘minimizing and deflecting’ if you could bring those parts to my attention I’d appreciate that.

also calling 9/10 year olds bullies isn’t particularly nice.