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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Incident with school teacher and children

156 replies

HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 00:07

AIBU?

long ish story.

My child 1 went out to play one afternoon after school, had been out the house for between 5-10 minutes and had pre arranged to go to B’s house (classmate KS2)

I’d been in A&E and am in a leg brace/ can’t weight bare had been home an hour (just as kids where getting home from school)

my other child 2, school year younger was playing with 2 friends (also pupils) on our garden in eyesight of the front door and are well aware of who Miss X is - Miss X is the TA for child 1 & child B’s class.

Child 2 comes flying into the house shouting ‘mum mum Miss X is here’ (i won’t lie at first I thought I was hallucinating from the medicine given me to earlier)
so I say ‘okay just tell her I’m coming but I’ll be a moment because of my leg’

Miss X’s child is renowned for maliciously commenting on the food/condiments other school pupils are eating from the school lunch hall (causing my child to not eat at school for around 2 weeks and the school to raise their concerns over my child not eating) She has very little friends and there has been previous run in’s between her and my child 1 with both girls being told to stay away from each other. And obviously rumour has is this child does this to numerous children and they all avoid her like the plague.

hobbled to the front door on two crutches to see indeed Miss X and her two children stood outside my front door, she then walks into the kitchen (uninvited!) with her two children and says ‘do you know what this is about?’ With one of her children in what id call melodramatic ‘floods of tears’, I say no?
she goes on to tell me that she won’t have her child bullied ganged up on and sworn at, and that my child 1 has been swearing at her child and tries to show me some voice notes on Snapchat from another child’s account (the child my child 1 has gone to play with) Miss X is then explaining there’s a class Snapchat account and had been an incident the day before with her child being bullied - I call my child 1 and her friend child B to come to my house immediately (they did, 2 doors down 20 second walk) both children (child 1 & child B) look absolutely gobsmacked, I ask them what’s been going on? What is this all about? Neither of them have much of an answer at that time, my child 1 is told to come in by me and that she is now grounded.
Miss X is during this trying to explain the incident the day before involved Child B (so nothing to do with my child) along with other children from the year group and that her child is desperately upset and being bullied and that swearing is wrong and how Miss X checks her children’s phones and social media nightly and that ‘she’s keeping this out of school’, during this my third child and her dad come into the kitchen to see what is going on, Miss X is all sweetness and light towards him, all ‘hiya how are you doing?’ (Fluttery eyelashes/cleavage squeeze)
it ends with myself saying the children need to keep apart, that they clearly don’t get along and not to comment on who’s eating what food or not eating what food and to ignore each other, I tell my child 1 that she is grounded for the swearing and we will talk about this when the others have gone, Miss X flounces off to go to speak to the parent of Child B. I send child B home after Miss X has left my house.

the back story:
it comes out that the day before Miss X’s child was on this Snapchat class group chat ‘being bossy’ and lots of the kids pretty much told her where to go with a boy from the class particularly swearing and name calling.
which then carried on to the next day on leaving the school Miss X’s child and the boy had a spat at the school gates, for then child B and Miss X’s child to get going in a private Snapchat thread which my child’s walked into and joined in literally minutes before Miss X arrived at my house. My child isn’t on the Snapchat group and doesn’t have the contact details of Miss X’s child - my child doesn’t like the girl.

I don’t condone any of the kids behaviour and don’t like bullying either way , however I’m furious about Miss X’s behaviour.
she’s come to my house uninvited.
walked into my house Infront of her two children and 3 other pupils from the school she works in.
she’s come to me first even though this incident is on its second day and my daughter had just become involved minutes earlier and there are between 12-20 other pupils involved.
her remarks about phone checking
her what feels like a threat of ‘keeping this out of school’
i cant even verbalise how angry and what exactly im angry about but im furious and don’t feel Miss X should be working in the same classroom as my child 1 and child B - I just don’t think her behaviour is appropriate nor can she be trusted to fairly support either my child 1 or child B let alone any of these other children on the group chat from the day before.

I did ring the school numerous times as usually there is someone in the office for an hour or so after school but no answer

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Anameisaname · 17/03/2024 10:42

DodgeDoggie · 17/03/2024 01:06

Send an email to the head, chair and safeguarding lead stating that this email is a formal complaint to the school about their employee. Explain that she appeared without warning at your front door and entered your kitchen without invitation, then proceeded to iron out some bullying issues relating to her DD (which infact didn’t involve your child) on the premise she wanted to keep things ‘out of school’. She then went onto child’s friends house afterwards.

You are very cross. This unexpected, unnecessary and unwanted visit was an invasion of your families privacy. She has clearly overstepped a professional boundary and you would like the school to investigate as a matter of urgency.

This ! It was not your DD and it was not your problem to solve.
If any parent had an issue with bullying they'd be advised to speak with the school so it can be investigated and resolved via the school.
She has acted extremely unprofessionally and was not invited into your home. You are recovering and were not in a position to have visitors. It was dreadful behaviour of her regardless of whatever may have happened to her DD

Longma · 17/03/2024 10:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

PaperDoIIs · 17/03/2024 10:47

Annielou67 · 17/03/2024 10:22

I don’t think I would complain tbh. She was distressed. She got things wrong. She wasn’t calling in her capacity as TA but as a parent whose child has been bullied. Sometimes people approach things badly when they are upset and rather than escalating, can you not just accept it as that.
Since when is it wrong to turn up at a fellow mum’s door uninvited. It doesn’t sound like she forced her way into your kitchen, nor did you say ‘ I’m sorry you can’t come in at the moment’. Or ‘ please leave now’. You didn’t like her before this event, your language is peppered with dislike, judgement and pique. you rightly say the kids shouldn’t be on SM.
I would have reacted differently. I would have invited a distressed mum and children in, given her a cup of tea, listened, tried to calm her down . She made it clear she wasn’t acting in a professional capacity, to involve school is wholly unnecessary and inflammatory. To suggest you don’t think she is suitable to be working with children, is unnecessary and inflammatory. She may have come to you because she thought you would be understanding/friendly and because you dislike her and her child you have misconstrued.

Would you trust that this mum would be able to switch mum mode off and deal with an incident fairly and impartially in the playground or in the classroom? Would you and your children trust her enough to ask her for help if they were ever in trouble? If her daughter did/said something to them? To treat an injury gently and carefully if a physical spat arose? And so on?

Tbh this whole situation is the fault of management, as they should've recognised issues like these can arise when being in the same class as your child and they should've moved the TA for this year group. It's not fair on the kids or the TA.

Mnetcurious · 17/03/2024 10:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

I have teens and read around the issue a lot, I’m well aware of this. The parents still shouldn’t have allowed their 10 year olds to have snapchat. Mine didn’t have phones until secondary school despite pressure because ‘all the others have a phone’. Same with social media, my eldest didn’t have Snapchat until y10 despite constant protests. It’s up to the parents to set appropriate boundaries and giving primary school kids snapchat is not doing that.

Getupat8amnow · 17/03/2024 10:59

Your thread title says teacher, Miss X is NOT a teacher but a teaching assistant. This is important as a teacher would not behave in the way Miss X did.

Strictly1 · 17/03/2024 11:03

Yes she was unprofessional but I’m so tired of it becoming school’s problem. Children shouldn’t have the apps - they are not old enough - bullying/unkind things happen - parents demand school sorts it - suggest the apps are removed - oh no, they like them.
So rather than do the right thing, parents want us to sort it rather than upset their child. Frustrating!

Longma · 17/03/2024 11:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

PaperDoIIs · 17/03/2024 11:22

Getupat8amnow · 17/03/2024 10:59

Your thread title says teacher, Miss X is NOT a teacher but a teaching assistant. This is important as a teacher would not behave in the way Miss X did.

Neither would any TA I know. And in fact some(an incredibly small minority) of teachers would and do behave like this. There has been a thread on here about a teacher doing similar, and some real life examples. Teachers are still humans and they do fuck up sometimes. Just like TA's do. Just like heads or SENCOs. They're not some special superior breed of human.

HMW1906 · 17/03/2024 11:24

Whilst I agree that the TA is acting unprofessionally….why do kids this young have a) mobile phones, b) access to snap chat!!!

ilovebreadsauce · 17/03/2024 11:25

sleekcat · 17/03/2024 09:43

She shouldn't have walked into your house without being invited. This sounds like a class matter and it should have been dealt with through school. Snap chat is dodgy ground - my son faced a day in isolation for something he said on a group with school friends, which in fact was misinterpreted by the child who reported it.
I would not engage in conversation about it again with her but would report it all to the school and let them deal with it. Why doesn't she want to go through school and what year are these children?

Your op sounds as though your dc might have let her in?

Annielou67 · 17/03/2024 12:19

PaperDoIIs · 17/03/2024 10:47

Would you trust that this mum would be able to switch mum mode off and deal with an incident fairly and impartially in the playground or in the classroom? Would you and your children trust her enough to ask her for help if they were ever in trouble? If her daughter did/said something to them? To treat an injury gently and carefully if a physical spat arose? And so on?

Tbh this whole situation is the fault of management, as they should've recognised issues like these can arise when being in the same class as your child and they should've moved the TA for this year group. It's not fair on the kids or the TA.

I get your point, but as I understand it other than this one distressing incident, there seems to be dislike, judgement and gossip and no actual evidence she can’t be an effective TA.
I think you are right about the TA working in the same year as their child.

I think that the language used by the OP was quite unnecessary and malicious. I suppose I’m getting trouble-maker vibes from her. There is another poster who talked about the fact that the conversation must have calmed and become ok, seemed to last a while before the TA went off to speak to another parent. Now the OP is stoking the fire again. We get upset if our child is hurt, we get defensive if our child is accused, we don’t like confrontation, it’s normal, and these things happen, but to go for someone’s job over it?

Allwelcone · 17/03/2024 12:35

OP I've read your posts but not all replies, don't forget to cc in the Chair of Governers maybe? Or something to bear in mind if the initial email gets nowhere.
Ask for a copy of their anti-bullying policy, if you can not find it online.
Hopefully it's all easiy sorted if the head is any good.

Allwelcone · 17/03/2024 12:39

@Annielou67 "we get defensive if our child is accused, we don’t like confrontation, it’s normal, and these things happen, but to go for someone’s job over it?"

Hopefully a timely intelligent intervention by the Head will mean this gets dealt with professionally so any fighty-ness vibes can be calmed.

StaunchMomma · 17/03/2024 13:16

HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 00:49

That’s I didn’t know, thank you.

I thought it was safe as you had to have contacts to message ie me dad grandma and her best friend from her old school.

is there a way unsolicited people can contact via WhatsApp?

Not using whatsapp is about safety from each other, not outsiders.

Primary children are not mature enough for messaging sites.

MalvernValentine · 17/03/2024 13:22

Allwelcone · 17/03/2024 12:39

@Annielou67 "we get defensive if our child is accused, we don’t like confrontation, it’s normal, and these things happen, but to go for someone’s job over it?"

Hopefully a timely intelligent intervention by the Head will mean this gets dealt with professionally so any fighty-ness vibes can be calmed.

Copying the Chair of Governors won't add anything at this stage.

Huffy parents seem to think this has a lot more sway than it does.

Governors are typically an escalation point for unresolved complaints. OP needs to check her school's complaints policy before she involves people who for her benefit, need to remain impartial and let the Head do their job and try to resolve it.

TeenLifeMum · 17/03/2024 13:29

@fuckityfuckityfuckfuck nope, it’s 13+ but still baffling why it’s used in ks2.

I'd have said, this is a conversation fit in school. I don’t understand how she got through to your kitchen without pushing you over and why your partner didn’t get the door rather than you with a broken leg. This whole scenario is very odd.

fuckityfuckityfuckfuck · 17/03/2024 13:40

@TTeenLifeMum

It changed to 16+ in 2018 in UK and Europe. It is 13+ in the US.

A quick Google says it will be (stupidly) reverting back to 13+ in UK/Europe in April this year but not yet.

Either way, it's the minimum age. Just like you don't have to start drinking and smoking when you turn 18, you don't have to start using these apps when you turn 13.

StaunchMomma · 17/03/2024 13:49

TA's don't have professional standards in the same way teacher's do. That said, they can be sacked for bringing the school into disrepute.

Yes, her behaviour was out of order but this occurred out of school hours and she clearly came to you as a parent, not a TA. I'm not sure her working at the school is really relevant in this instance.

I do think putting in an official complaint to her workplace is an over reaction.

Don't get me wrong, I'd be giving her an absolute mouthful, and I'd probably let her know that if there are any further incidences of her being as aggressive with you or your child then you will be complaining to the school.

If you do approach the school, don't be surprised if they fob this off as an out-of-school issue. That said, if there are any issues for her at the school and they are looking for reasons to be rid of her, they'll jump on it.

I'm not sure I'd want to stir up trouble for someone at work over something so trivial. Nobody was hurt. She just acted like a knob head Mum.

Nevermind31 · 17/03/2024 14:01

I would make an appointment with the head teacher - Ms X is staff at this school and has behaved inappropriately- she should not have gone to your house.

TheCatOnMorrisseysHead · 17/03/2024 14:15

I'd have said that I have no desire to keep this out of school and would be happy to discuss whatever she wanted to discuss in front of the Headteacher/SLT so I'd see her there.

Report to school and say you want to speak to the Headteacher and DSL.

HurricanesHardlyHeverHappen · 17/03/2024 14:23

I'd have said that I have no desire to keep this out of school and would be happy to discuss whatever she wanted to discuss in front of the Headteacher/SLT so I'd see her there

Yes, after the fact you think like that.

But in the moment when she's just come back from hospital and her children and their friends are right there and their TA is in your kitchen...

WearyAuldWumman · 17/03/2024 14:45

StaunchMomma · 17/03/2024 13:49

TA's don't have professional standards in the same way teacher's do. That said, they can be sacked for bringing the school into disrepute.

Yes, her behaviour was out of order but this occurred out of school hours and she clearly came to you as a parent, not a TA. I'm not sure her working at the school is really relevant in this instance.

I do think putting in an official complaint to her workplace is an over reaction.

Don't get me wrong, I'd be giving her an absolute mouthful, and I'd probably let her know that if there are any further incidences of her being as aggressive with you or your child then you will be complaining to the school.

If you do approach the school, don't be surprised if they fob this off as an out-of-school issue. That said, if there are any issues for her at the school and they are looking for reasons to be rid of her, they'll jump on it.

I'm not sure I'd want to stir up trouble for someone at work over something so trivial. Nobody was hurt. She just acted like a knob head Mum.

The TA crossed the line when she implied that she was doing the OP a favour by keeping this out of school.

PinkIcedCream · 17/03/2024 15:00

ilovebreadsauce · 17/03/2024 06:11

A TA would not have access to pupils' addresses! Furthermore the incident happened after school and she arrived only a few minutes later.
No she should not have entered your house uninvited, but I really think it is not a school matter.she was there very clearly in her capacity as a mum.

What a silly sweeping statement! It might apply to the school you know about but you can’t possibly state that as a matter of fact.

The Primary school my child went to was small with a very p/t Secretary who was off sick a lot due a medical condition, so TA’s were helping out in the office and they definitely had access to school records.

QuillBill · 17/03/2024 15:03

A TA would not have access to pupils' addresses!

This is just nonsense.

DodgeDoggie · 17/03/2024 15:25

If she’s used the online school system to access addresses it’s a misuse of information, accessing more information then is necessary for her role.

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