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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Incident with school teacher and children

156 replies

HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 00:07

AIBU?

long ish story.

My child 1 went out to play one afternoon after school, had been out the house for between 5-10 minutes and had pre arranged to go to B’s house (classmate KS2)

I’d been in A&E and am in a leg brace/ can’t weight bare had been home an hour (just as kids where getting home from school)

my other child 2, school year younger was playing with 2 friends (also pupils) on our garden in eyesight of the front door and are well aware of who Miss X is - Miss X is the TA for child 1 & child B’s class.

Child 2 comes flying into the house shouting ‘mum mum Miss X is here’ (i won’t lie at first I thought I was hallucinating from the medicine given me to earlier)
so I say ‘okay just tell her I’m coming but I’ll be a moment because of my leg’

Miss X’s child is renowned for maliciously commenting on the food/condiments other school pupils are eating from the school lunch hall (causing my child to not eat at school for around 2 weeks and the school to raise their concerns over my child not eating) She has very little friends and there has been previous run in’s between her and my child 1 with both girls being told to stay away from each other. And obviously rumour has is this child does this to numerous children and they all avoid her like the plague.

hobbled to the front door on two crutches to see indeed Miss X and her two children stood outside my front door, she then walks into the kitchen (uninvited!) with her two children and says ‘do you know what this is about?’ With one of her children in what id call melodramatic ‘floods of tears’, I say no?
she goes on to tell me that she won’t have her child bullied ganged up on and sworn at, and that my child 1 has been swearing at her child and tries to show me some voice notes on Snapchat from another child’s account (the child my child 1 has gone to play with) Miss X is then explaining there’s a class Snapchat account and had been an incident the day before with her child being bullied - I call my child 1 and her friend child B to come to my house immediately (they did, 2 doors down 20 second walk) both children (child 1 & child B) look absolutely gobsmacked, I ask them what’s been going on? What is this all about? Neither of them have much of an answer at that time, my child 1 is told to come in by me and that she is now grounded.
Miss X is during this trying to explain the incident the day before involved Child B (so nothing to do with my child) along with other children from the year group and that her child is desperately upset and being bullied and that swearing is wrong and how Miss X checks her children’s phones and social media nightly and that ‘she’s keeping this out of school’, during this my third child and her dad come into the kitchen to see what is going on, Miss X is all sweetness and light towards him, all ‘hiya how are you doing?’ (Fluttery eyelashes/cleavage squeeze)
it ends with myself saying the children need to keep apart, that they clearly don’t get along and not to comment on who’s eating what food or not eating what food and to ignore each other, I tell my child 1 that she is grounded for the swearing and we will talk about this when the others have gone, Miss X flounces off to go to speak to the parent of Child B. I send child B home after Miss X has left my house.

the back story:
it comes out that the day before Miss X’s child was on this Snapchat class group chat ‘being bossy’ and lots of the kids pretty much told her where to go with a boy from the class particularly swearing and name calling.
which then carried on to the next day on leaving the school Miss X’s child and the boy had a spat at the school gates, for then child B and Miss X’s child to get going in a private Snapchat thread which my child’s walked into and joined in literally minutes before Miss X arrived at my house. My child isn’t on the Snapchat group and doesn’t have the contact details of Miss X’s child - my child doesn’t like the girl.

I don’t condone any of the kids behaviour and don’t like bullying either way , however I’m furious about Miss X’s behaviour.
she’s come to my house uninvited.
walked into my house Infront of her two children and 3 other pupils from the school she works in.
she’s come to me first even though this incident is on its second day and my daughter had just become involved minutes earlier and there are between 12-20 other pupils involved.
her remarks about phone checking
her what feels like a threat of ‘keeping this out of school’
i cant even verbalise how angry and what exactly im angry about but im furious and don’t feel Miss X should be working in the same classroom as my child 1 and child B - I just don’t think her behaviour is appropriate nor can she be trusted to fairly support either my child 1 or child B let alone any of these other children on the group chat from the day before.

I did ring the school numerous times as usually there is someone in the office for an hour or so after school but no answer

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 02:44

KomodoOhno · 17/03/2024 02:31

This. She can be a parent or be a teacher but she has proved she cannot be both.

I agree completely.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 17/03/2024 02:45

DodgeDoggie · 17/03/2024 02:39

please report back and update, I hope the school will sort things out well.

I once had to endure an unprofessional primary school TA who would make awful judgmental comments to my kids and myself. In the end I asked the head to tell her not to speak to me or my kids. Thankfully she never spoke to us again and it turned out I was one of many parents who had complained about her behaviour and attitude.

Part of the problem in some areas is that TAs/Classroom Assistants have minimal training, if any.

HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 02:48

DodgeDoggie · 17/03/2024 02:39

please report back and update, I hope the school will sort things out well.

I once had to endure an unprofessional primary school TA who would make awful judgmental comments to my kids and myself. In the end I asked the head to tell her not to speak to me or my kids. Thankfully she never spoke to us again and it turned out I was one of many parents who had complained about her behaviour and attitude.

I will absolutely come back and update. Thank you

sorry to hear you had a crappy TA but it’s good to hear the head was helpful, sometimes I think by highlighting these things it can be the straw that broke the camels back in respect of bad behaviour and a legitimate reason to remove.

OP posts:
HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 02:51

WearyAuldWumman · 17/03/2024 02:45

Part of the problem in some areas is that TAs/Classroom Assistants have minimal training, if any.

I can understand that completely they don’t have the same training, I volunteered for a charity shop for a little while recently and the amount of training I had to do because I had access to vulnerable adults (who also volunteered) was unreal the depth it covered with safeguarding, I’m surprised she put herself in this position coming to a pupils house.

OP posts:
KomodoOhno · 17/03/2024 02:53

That she walked into your HOUSE! That is so beyond bats%!/. My dd goes to a very small school and there are parent - teachers and you see it get pretty unprofessional but this takes the cake. I am so furious for you and you dd! And the other children this nut is going after!

ilovebreadsauce · 17/03/2024 03:00

HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 02:44

No not a neighbour lives around 4 or 5 roads away.

from the sounds of it the messages had started the day before (not involving either my child or child B)
child B and her child were already in conversation when my child arrived at child B’s.

unsuitable to work with children due to her hot headedness and inability to maintain professional boundaries, trying to intimidate children she is employed to support in an educational setting.

unsure where I am ‘minimizing and deflecting’ if you could bring those parts to my attention I’d appreciate that.

also calling 9/10 year olds bullies isn’t particularly nice.

Because she was not visiting you in her capacity as a TA ( I don't know why you keep saying she is a teacher btw) but as a parent! It was about an incident that happened between her child and yours put ilof school and nothing to do with school.
Your dc and B were sending foul mouthed messages to her daughter which had reduced the girl to tears!
Miss x was being a responsible parent in informing you of the inappropriate communications your child and her friend had sent to hers!I can understand why ( for your dc's sake) she did not want to stand in the doorstep and talk about your child's swearing and bullying messages!

Celticliving · 17/03/2024 03:04

ilovebreadsauce · 17/03/2024 03:00

Because she was not visiting you in her capacity as a TA ( I don't know why you keep saying she is a teacher btw) but as a parent! It was about an incident that happened between her child and yours put ilof school and nothing to do with school.
Your dc and B were sending foul mouthed messages to her daughter which had reduced the girl to tears!
Miss x was being a responsible parent in informing you of the inappropriate communications your child and her friend had sent to hers!I can understand why ( for your dc's sake) she did not want to stand in the doorstep and talk about your child's swearing and bullying messages!

Oh, come on.

She is a member of staff in a school. It's irrelevant whether she's a teacher, TA, dinner lady or headteacher. You CANNOT cross that boundary.

Her response should have been to go through the correct channels at school, not to storm round to the parents' houses.

Totally and utterly unprofessional.

HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 03:05

KomodoOhno · 17/03/2024 02:53

That she walked into your HOUSE! That is so beyond bats%!/. My dd goes to a very small school and there are parent - teachers and you see it get pretty unprofessional but this takes the cake. I am so furious for you and you dd! And the other children this nut is going after!

Yeah straight into my house through my front door and into the kitchen stood there with her two children.

we’ve only been at this school since September but it’s 2 classes a year group so large and one of two primary’s in the village/town.

yeah I’m also concerned for the other children in the year group who were in the group chat from the day before and obviously Child B and well any child she feels has wronged her child. It’s not just normal behaviour.

im pretty prominent on our local areas Facebook (self employed) so I’m not hard to track down to have sent a message to. Or she has access to dojo or she works in the school she could have asked for a meeting with all parents to discuss bullying ect. - I remember and I’m going back years now because I’m old but it’s got to have been year 8 or 9 of secondary school there was a girl who was bullied horrifically and we’re all pulled in to a year group assembly in the dinner hall, her mum was there explaining about her daughter feelings and why she was ‘different’ to her peers (she had something like junior arthritis or something similar) this girl ended up leaving the school in the end because of missing so much school times due to the bullying that stays with me and I’m mid 30’s now so easily 20 years ago, so it can be impactful (not that I bullied her or associated with those who did)

OP posts:
HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 03:17

ilovebreadsauce · 17/03/2024 03:00

Because she was not visiting you in her capacity as a TA ( I don't know why you keep saying she is a teacher btw) but as a parent! It was about an incident that happened between her child and yours put ilof school and nothing to do with school.
Your dc and B were sending foul mouthed messages to her daughter which had reduced the girl to tears!
Miss x was being a responsible parent in informing you of the inappropriate communications your child and her friend had sent to hers!I can understand why ( for your dc's sake) she did not want to stand in the doorstep and talk about your child's swearing and bullying messages!

I notice you haven’t shown where I’m minimizing?
You’re missing that she’s walked past 3 pupils from school to get from the street to my front door- confidentially.

the incident was also continued on school ground (allegedly- I didn’t witness) that very day with her daughter and another pupil which also involved swearing.

it’s an ongoing incident with lots of other pupils - did she storm round to each of those houses?

an incident from 24 hours prior - which as far as I’m aware hasn’t been reported to school (I’ve spoken to other parents who’s children where involved)

as an employee of the school she would know better than anyone else how to effectively and appropriately report bullying/bad language/inappropriate messages.

do you honestly hand on heart feel it’s okay to walk in uninvited to someone’s house you know through your job to ‘inform them’ of something that concerns their child?

say your a GP, bread sauce - would you nip round to Dorris 4 or 5 streets away, barge into her house and inform her you feel (that’s important) that her son has high cholesterol?

or you work at Tescos, bread sauce, would you go round to Mildred’s 4 or 5 streets away and imform her your disappointed to hear her son is shopping at Asda?

your completely missing the point here and it’s concerning, I hope you don’t work in a position of authority.

taking two children with her is being a ‘responsible parent’ to a situation of conflict?

scary scary world we live in.

OP posts:
HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 03:19

Celticliving · 17/03/2024 03:04

Oh, come on.

She is a member of staff in a school. It's irrelevant whether she's a teacher, TA, dinner lady or headteacher. You CANNOT cross that boundary.

Her response should have been to go through the correct channels at school, not to storm round to the parents' houses.

Totally and utterly unprofessional.

vis School is the proper way to deal with concerns of bullying.

OP posts:
HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 03:25

ilovebreadsauce · 17/03/2024 03:00

Because she was not visiting you in her capacity as a TA ( I don't know why you keep saying she is a teacher btw) but as a parent! It was about an incident that happened between her child and yours put ilof school and nothing to do with school.
Your dc and B were sending foul mouthed messages to her daughter which had reduced the girl to tears!
Miss x was being a responsible parent in informing you of the inappropriate communications your child and her friend had sent to hers!I can understand why ( for your dc's sake) she did not want to stand in the doorstep and talk about your child's swearing and bullying messages!

responsibly Parenting would be soothing her child at home,not parading the (Oscar worthy) tears through the estate.

would be reporting to school and the police if she deemed it necessary.

her child was also swearing - two wrongs don’t make a right.

however the biggest wrong here was her behaviour and actions, worse than all the up to 20 kids combined.

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 17/03/2024 04:16

She has already broken GDPR rules by looking up your address at school, then forced her way into your house, I would be ringing the Head first thing Monday Morning if I could.

Fraaahnces · 17/03/2024 04:47

Report her to school. She is bullying you and your kid and has broken GDPR rules by looking up your address.

GumB00t55 · 17/03/2024 04:54

School isn’t going to get involved with online spats happening outside of school. She did the right thing not to bother school with this however I personally would have just taken my child out of the Snapchat group.

Why on earth have 9 and 10 year olds got phones and SM?If she is checking nightly that’s being a responsible parent however children that age shouldn’t be on SM. This type of ridiculous spat happens when they are.

Finally many many TAs are highly qualified, the job now a days involves far more than washing paint pots.

GumB00t55 · 17/03/2024 05:12

TAs wouldn’t have access to addresses. I’d be very sure before you start making accusations of a breach. All these children go to school together and are sadly online without boundaries. They will all know where they live and are located particularly if on Snapchat Livelocation is switched on. Sadly it doesn’t sound as if any are being supervised properly.

Some of your wording sounds very unpleasant- “has no friends, avoid her like the plague, melodramatic…” . This is a child and if she is being ostracised in school that does sound like bullying which school could be involved with. Re being called a bitch and being sent abusive voice notes I think I’d give a warning ( on the group I’d then delete off my child’s phone)then go to the police if it didn’t stop. When you are the parent of a bullied child it can be hard to handle things correctly however keeping the SM out of school is correct and if you don’t want people to follow up your child’s unpleasant behaviour don’t leave her unmonitored on SM on a smartphone she doesn’t need with her location for all to see.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/03/2024 05:20

Nat6999 · 17/03/2024 04:16

She has already broken GDPR rules by looking up your address at school, then forced her way into your house, I would be ringing the Head first thing Monday Morning if I could.

This was my question. How does she know where you live? If she didn’t, she has indeed broken GDPR rules.

whowhatwhen · 17/03/2024 05:58

HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 01:01

Thank you, her phone is currently removed - (grounded due to the swearing)

so I’ll look at the settings - I have it on ‘contacts only’ and ‘no last seen’ I honestly didn’t realise unsolicited people would be able to message.

I’ll also speak with her dad about a safe way for them to keep contact.

thank you for the information it’s appreciated.

This should help OP xx

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/online-safety-blog/2023-01-12-is-whatsapp-safe-for-my-child/#

6pence · 17/03/2024 06:11

Hope the school take it seriously. Have you spoken to any other parents?

ilovebreadsauce · 17/03/2024 06:11

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/03/2024 05:20

This was my question. How does she know where you live? If she didn’t, she has indeed broken GDPR rules.

A TA would not have access to pupils' addresses! Furthermore the incident happened after school and she arrived only a few minutes later.
No she should not have entered your house uninvited, but I really think it is not a school matter.she was there very clearly in her capacity as a mum.

user1492757084 · 17/03/2024 06:31

Remove your under age children from smart phone aps.

Bring the whole matter up professionally at school.

School should be alarmed that a teacher blurrs boundaries of work and home and lets her own underage children onto smart phone aps. That sets a poor example.

School can't really control silly parents but should perhaps advise the general school community of the actual age limits to joining online aps. and it should be banning all phones during school hours.

Some serious education on bullying could be outsourced (not teacher run) and instructive to each class.

Duckinglunacy · 17/03/2024 06:47

It is important that you follow your school’s complaints procedure which should be laid out on the website - i.e. don’t involve the governors at this stage, the school have to be given the opportunity to deal with it.

I would also pitch this as a safeguarding concern for the children involved; the swearing at her child is child on child abuse.

and the other matter is that this TA has a complete inability to respect professional boundaries, and this is often a problem when school staff have kids in school (sometimes for teachers too).

LolaSmiles · 17/03/2024 06:52

She's blurring the boundaries of parent and professional, which justifies contacting the school.

Walking into your home uninvited and complaining about other incidents with different child, followed by suggesting she's doing you a favour by keeping it out of school is unprofessional. It suggests she doesn't have proper professional boundaries and would leave me with doubts about her professional judgement.

If there is a bullying situation going on and its origins are in school, school is the appropriate place to deal with it.

PlumbersWifey · 17/03/2024 07:28

HurtingHillary · 17/03/2024 00:49

That’s I didn’t know, thank you.

I thought it was safe as you had to have contacts to message ie me dad grandma and her best friend from her old school.

is there a way unsolicited people can contact via WhatsApp?

Yes there is I've had random people contact me and scam call and messages through it before. They just need your number you don't need theirs.

GumB00t55 · 17/03/2024 07:33

PlumbersWifey · 17/03/2024 07:28

Yes there is I've had random people contact me and scam call and messages through it before. They just need your number you don't need theirs.

I can not believe the parent of a 9 year old doesn’t look into this before handing over a smartphone.😳

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 17/03/2024 07:46

I gave up the will pretty quickly, but just tell the head she turned up to your house, walked in uninvited and started with drama. I’d not be impressed with a so called professional acting this way.