To be suspicious about his proposal plans?

[daffolilly25]

I've been with partner for 5.5 years.

We've had lengthy discussions for the past year about when to get married. He knows I want to get married. He tells me he wants it too.

We agreed we would like to get married in Autumn 2025.

I'm still waiting on a ring/proposal and as time goes on I wonder when this will happen if we're to stick to the 2025 date.

He knows how I feel about still having no proposal. He tells me to wait because he wants to do it 'right'...I'm nervous that we'll get to 2025 and it'll just be words still. I feel like I'm in some weird limbo where we've made a plan but we aren't actually following through.

I grew up with some things which I admit can make it hard for me to trust. I'm tying myself up in knots about it as so far I only have his words and being told to wait is making me tetchy.

My husband asked me to marry him, we got up & went ring shopping.

Showed parents the ring & told them when we were thinking of getting married.

We've been married nearly 30yrs & I still doubt he could choose a ring for me!

It’s a shame you allowed the 29th February to bypass you without taking some control of things.

It’s a silly tradition but it would have broken the ice on the situation and you’d have known whether he is just being indecisive (in which case he’d have been pleased you asked) or is spinning you a tale because he has no intention of getting married to you

I've been saying the same things as you all re planning, it is him who brings back the idea of a proposal each time

Well yes, but it's a lot easier to "delay" a proposal (as indeed he is doing) than to halt expensive bookings, etc.

After 5 years he knows if he actually wants to marry you, and I'd be asking about that rather than wedding planning - though you might want to ready yourself for unwelcome news

I'm sorry, I don't quite understand the saying of kid gloves.

Just to reiterate the point of my post is the actual marrying part is what truly matters.

5 years???

He's not interested op

How old are you??

He is stalling on the proposal as he can keep fobbing you off as circumstances will never be quite ‘perfect’ enough for him to propose. He will drag this on for years hoping you forget about marriage.

if you propose to him, he will accept and then spin out the engagement for years. Again, circumstances will never be quite right for the actual wedding.

He will never marry you. Men who want to be married actively work towards making it happen.

Until the penny drops… do not have a child with him or buy a house with him.

Chances are that once your relationship is over he will very quickly move on and be married and have a child with someone else within a couple of years.

This story is as old as the hills.

One hundred per cent.

Does anyone else know the plan for 2025? Id broach the subject again and say you want to tell your parents the date because they’re planning a holiday or something. And gauge his reaction. It sounds like he’s stalling. You could have a lovely day out ring shopping together, him doing the proposal is just giving him all the power isn’t it.

This is not the first of these we've seen on here.

He's stalling.

I agree, Vicky - it's a common theme on here- "why won't he propose?"
Stop waiting for a man's permission to get on with your life. As pp have said, you've agreed to marry, just make the plans. Talk to him again, just discuss wedding arrangements, not a "proposal" or a ring.

On those other threads it’s often said that a couple is not engaged until the (legal) wedding is booked, and that some men not actually intending to marry use ‘engagement’ to ‘buy time’.

eg OP’s partner could string her along for a good while longer, ‘propose’ in 2025 then say ‘not enough time now to organise things - let’s do it next year’. Whilst considering his other options.

what’s your plan if he isn’t actually interested in marrying you Autumn 2025? You need to think through your responses to his possible actions.
1 not actually on board with getting married atm and stalling because doesn’t want to say “no”
2 wants to get married but not on that timeline and wants stuff delayed
3 wants to get married then but is wanting full control of the timeline and wedding and is using the proposal to do so (marriage no real wedding and this way you can’t book anything anyway)
4 wants to get married then and just doesn’t get it that the wedding you both want is fast becoming impossible because stuff isn’t booked.

If you know how you’d respond to each of these then I think you’re in a better position for a frank conversation. If your answer is we need to be engaged and wedding booked or you’ll move on - then just say we’ve talked about holding the wedding at this time and having this sort of wedding - are we booking or is that not the plan? Because for me I need this to move forward or move on elsewhere. It is ok to say we’ve discussed this numerous times and your answer is always yes but we won’t actually take steps in that direction - so it really just a no?

If your plan is to just keep begging him to move on knowing your plan is to stay no matter what - then you can ask him if his intent is to control everything about the engagement and wedding because that’s what he’s doing and it’s making you unhappy and will he change?

@Anahenzaris there is another option which I think is sadly the likely situation as I've seen this many times before

5. Wants to get married at some point in the future but not to his current partner so is stalling for time.

If a man has truly met "the one" then he wouldn't be stalling or risking losing her by not proposing.

Sometimes when a man doesn't find someone "better" he will grudgingly get married if cajoled into it for long enough, and these men make absolutely shit husbands.

I'll see your 20 and raise it to 34.

So just both organise a wedding, you are already engaged you can get married without the need for a ring and a big proposal

Quite. My marriage is a union of equals, not something my DH has chosen for me. Really can't understand why people get all excited for the down on one knee crap. Again I do understand everyone doesn't have to agree with me!

Do you plan on kids with this man in the future OP? This is when these controlling "stringers along" seem to do some real damage as the time ticks on for the woman but less so for them.

Out of interest, how would OP do that when it appears it's not what her OH wants?

It'ss all very well us saying "you're engaged" because they discussed marrying, but surely not much use when he clearly doesn't think they are

Then that's the problem, isn't it. He's clearly not on the same page.

Don’t get pregnant/go part-time at work etc before you are married, OP. Don’t ever contribute financially to mortgage/rent/improvements on a property over which you have no claim. Assuming you’re in England or Wales, you’ll have few legal rights as an unmarried partner. Try to be a bit more hard-headed and less romantic about all this. It’s not a fairytale it’s your security and future.

Absolutely

However OP's not been back, so perhaps the main thrust of the replies are something she didn't wish to hear

This.

(Unless you earn more then him, or already own your own house)

DH and I got engaged over 30 years ago - I showed him the ring I wanted!! He’d have been panicking if I’d expected him to choose one!

Just tell him it’s fine to go and choose one together, or select a few and he chooses one from that selection.

after more than 5 years and excuses, I would start to wonder if he is just stringing you along. How old are you? Are you planning children in the future. Have had friends like you where the partners just ran down the biological clock and then walked off with someone else.

As an alternative - since it's 2024 - have you considered proposing to him?

How old are you, OP?
If you want children, you might be running out of time.

He's stalling.

Suggest splitting with him as you're clearly not on the same page.

You're better off moving on now than dragging it out.

It's going to hurt.