To be suspicious about his proposal plans?

[daffolilly25]

I've been with partner for 5.5 years.

We've had lengthy discussions for the past year about when to get married. He knows I want to get married. He tells me he wants it too.

We agreed we would like to get married in Autumn 2025.

I'm still waiting on a ring/proposal and as time goes on I wonder when this will happen if we're to stick to the 2025 date.

He knows how I feel about still having no proposal. He tells me to wait because he wants to do it 'right'...I'm nervous that we'll get to 2025 and it'll just be words still. I feel like I'm in some weird limbo where we've made a plan but we aren't actually following through.

I grew up with some things which I admit can make it hard for me to trust. I'm tying myself up in knots about it as so far I only have his words and being told to wait is making me tetchy.

He wants to propose with the ring so he doesn’t have to spend as much on it.

Wow! I am a woman. Very honest. What he said is EXACTLY what I would say to ANYONE I am letting down gently or with whom I do not want to have an honest convo over something.

I hope I am wrong OP. But come 2026, you will be back on here telling us, 2025 came and went.

I think you should say to him, we have agreed to marry in autumn 2025 and I can't wait to marry you. I'm not willing to get married without a proper proposal, and I would need that by the 1st June this year (or whenever - your birthday if you have a summer birthday) etc. Without a proposal by this time, I will believe you not to be serious about wanting me as your wife, and so I will leave you. Say it nicely, firmly and sincerely, looking into his eyes. Then forget about it. Then either leave him on the 1st June, or say yes to his proposal.

It's important to be clear sometimes. Make your needs clear in this way and he will either step up, or not.

But if they have agreed to get married, and set a date (rough as it is) then they are engaged

Thats what engaged means - having formally agreed to marry.
"Keith and I had got engaged four months before"

People do keep them secret, so I'm not sure what formally would mean though

The concept of a proposal seems like an anachronism to me putting the man (usually) in a position of power which is not right for the times. Surely a decision to marry is a joint decision rather than something controlled by one partner. Even if it's only symbolic I don't like the idea personally. DH and I had a chat about marriage, both agreed and that was that. (Disclaimer obviously my opinion is irrelevant to what others want to do!)

But the OP is happy to start planning without a ‘proper proposal’, it’s irrelevant and this is still weirdly putting all the decision making back on him when they’ve already agreed anyway.

Me too, we agreed to marry and then went together to get a ring a few weeks after. We got married about 6 months after we got the ring.

I suspect that for all they have agreed, when it comes to actually setting a date and making the bookings etc. the OP will find him very reluctant to commit. I think she is very wise to insist on a proposal first, so she isn't wasting money on bookings that will end up being cancelled.

I think it sounds like he really wants to do things properly, and propose to you in the right way. I wouldn't deny him that, it sounds like it's important to him. If he genuinely is concerned about choosing the right ring, you could always email him some links to styles you like (normally I think this would be too full on but he's clearly asking you for pointers!) I think yes he needs a bit of a nudge but he sounds like he just wants to do things properly.

He seems to be playing for time here.I agree with tiredfoxfliesatmidnight that you need to give him a firm time to propose by .A ring is normal for an engagement, If you have been together 5.5 years ,Christmas,new years day and Valentines have all come and gone .If as PP said 1st June comes and no ring ,then walk away

Whoever would want a proposal made under duress? 🙄

Stalling

Just go shopping for a ring together! You're already engaged, there is no 'proposal' because he's not proposing anything you haven't already agreed to.

This is what you should say to him OP. It's not the 1950s, you're adults who have made a decision about your future - now get on with it!

All you people advising her to break up with him if he doesn't 'propose' by a certain date are you mad?! They have agreed to get married, they want to get married. Breaking up would be absurd.

Then wtf is he going to do about the ring though? Maybe start sending him links to ones you like.

This is getting silly he needs to shit or get off the pot

Whether he wants to get married is actually the hot debate topic. A fair few of us believe he's stalling.

Honestly OP he doesn't sound very enthusiastic!
DH and I did the same, he sent me rings suggestions, nothing for 6 months and then he proposed - on our anniversary. This was before the deadline though i said I wanted to be engaged within a year.
Give him 3 months and if it hasn't happened yet dump him.

Did you miss the part where he’s agreed to get married in autumn 2025? There doesn’t need to be a proposal once the conversation has been had and it’s so weird that people still get hung up on the concept.

Do you know what kind of ring you want? Could you send him some options and some definitely nots and he can have some help in the shop?

But aside from the ring I would consider myself engaged. You have a promise, you have a date. I would start planning if you wanted to.

Could he be just feeling (unnecessary) pressure, either from you or from just... society in general that he has to put on a big show for you engagement wise?

In your position I'd have a chat with him and say he doesn't have to feel under pressure to do something big for you. Honestly, my DH proposed to me on the spur of the moment after we'd just been to an exhibition on a wet Tuesday in January and I do not feel I was let down. In fact I find it more romantic in many ways as it wasn't planned.

This is AWFUL advice,

DO NOT indulge his need to control this, this is your future, he doesn't get to hold you random to the 'right time' and he doesn't get to gate keep marriage just because he has a penis,

You've agreed to get married, just book it. Or better still don't marry this controlling and flaky guy!

DH went down on one knee and proposed on the spur of the moment. He didn't have a ring to present me with; we went out later that day and chose one together.

@Nevermindtheteacaps - I agree! Plus what's the nonsense about him "taking care of the proposal"? They've already agreed!

This. No need for a proposal. It's all been sorted.