To be suspicious about his proposal plans?

[daffolilly25]

I've been with partner for 5.5 years.

We've had lengthy discussions for the past year about when to get married. He knows I want to get married. He tells me he wants it too.

We agreed we would like to get married in Autumn 2025.

I'm still waiting on a ring/proposal and as time goes on I wonder when this will happen if we're to stick to the 2025 date.

He knows how I feel about still having no proposal. He tells me to wait because he wants to do it 'right'...I'm nervous that we'll get to 2025 and it'll just be words still. I feel like I'm in some weird limbo where we've made a plan but we aren't actually following through.

I grew up with some things which I admit can make it hard for me to trust. I'm tying myself up in knots about it as so far I only have his words and being told to wait is making me tetchy.

Those are the follow-up questions for him, not us! What did you say after he said "I'm supposed to know what you'll like" - I'd have replied "why on earth are you supposed to know that, you're not telepathic".

The whole "it's my job to do it" - I'd have said "no it's not, those traditional macho roles are silly and I have no time for them".

My DH said 'lets get married' so we did, eight weeks later. No engagement ring (better things to spend money on) Church wedding with all of the people we wanted. I don't get the whole big production. It's about the marriage. Just agree a date and get on with it!

His job to do it?

He's an old fashioned sexist. I'd fix that before getting married, lest he has similarly old fashioned ideas on what 'your' jobs are.

Like washing socks.

This!

I agree with you completely. PP posters' advice is awful. The OP should hang around, not nagging the man to propose 🙄🙄. My ex was flaky, I wasted 6 years waiting to get a proposal. Saw sense, broke up with him, and was married within 2 years to my now dh of 13 years.

All those saying they are engaged because he has agreed to get married........

18 months from now
After lots of talks, discussions, pushing from the OP
but still no ring or a formal proposal...

He does not want to get married to her.
He is merely kicking the can down the road.

Don't let him mess you around, @daffolilly25
You have a difficult decision to make, but don't get sucked in by the sunk cost fallacy.
After all this time together, if he really wanted to marry you, you'd know.

After all this time together, if he really wanted to marry you, you'd know

Yes. Sadly, I agree with this.

Why does she have to “chill”, and why does an adult woman have to put her life plans on hold for “his proposal” as if his asking is a magical delicate spell that can only be spoken in very particular circumstances?

This is so unbelievably old fashioned, the tiptoeing around men’s fragile emotions in case the terrifying ring-hungry woman scares him off. Marriage is about both parties wanting to marry each other at this point in both their lives. If you can agree that, then you’re engaged. Congratulations. Everything else feeds into the wedding industrial complex and is fucking nonsense.

Good luck, OP.

@Windwwwash - you're right and it's just bizarre that anyone needs a man's say so for a decision about marriage! He's either stalling because he doesn't want to get married or he's living in the past. Or both.

Good update OP. We got engaged in October and got married August the following year …. We picked the ring together in May! But he wanted his moment!! Drove me nuts waiting !!

No, I didn't miss it. That is why I started off my post with "I suspect for all they have agreed..." He agreed to a date a long time in the future and since then has done nothing towards making that date happen. I would be uncertain about him too if I were the OP. Of course there doesn't have to be a proposal, but the OP obviously would like one, so why hasn't he done anything about it? It is hardly a massive ask of someone who should be excited about getting married to you.

You've set a wedding date.

You are therefore betrothed to be married.

Doesn't need a big proposal or a ring to be engaged.

Just get on with wedding planning, visit venues etc

I’m in my early fifties and have seen too many women in their twenties and thirties get strung along by men (“I’ll propose when the time is right”). The men often end up married to someone else eventually. I wish that people - men and women alike - who don’t want to make a commitment would be brave and set the other party free as soon as they realise that they’re not really “feeling it”.

This may or may not be true here.

Tell him that you want to start making arrangements for the last Saturday in September 2025 (or whatever). Make bookings to visit some venues, browse travel sites for honeymoon destinations. His reaction to paying deposits etc will tell you what you need to know.

He sounds like he's buying time OP and doesn't really want to get married. If he hasn't done it after this long then he's not fussed about doing it. It sounds like he gave you a date far in advance to placate you but now it's getting near to when you want to start planning a wedding he is starting to back track.

The fixation on the proposal is an obvious subterfuge. He's terrified of getting married.

Some men nurture this inner fantasy that a supermodel will fall into their laps someday and throw herself at him. He wants to leave his options open in case someone better comes along.

Do you want an engagement ring? Or as a previous poster said do you have better things to spend your money on?

Marriage is a relationship, which needs to be right for you. The proposal/ring/Day are peripheral.

I went to a jewellery shop & picked out a few options that I liked. DH went & looked & chose the one he wanted to get me. Then he proposed a few weeks later. I suggest doing that, then you'll know if he is true to his word.

If you already live together this is the problem, there is no advantage for him to tie the knot.
I would say. "I understand you want to do it "right", but from my standpoint I am in limbo. I love you & want to be married to you.
It feels as though you are simply stringing me along.
I think I should move out."

If you've agreed to get married and even set a rough date of when, then you're engaged - surely?!
Getting engaged is asking "will you marry me?" Clearly you will, as you've agreed to do so.
I don't get why people want the big proposal, if they already know they're marrying.
Do you really need that?
Why not just book the venue together?

Could you say you don't want a proposal any more and can you go ring shopping and start planning the wedding or do you not want to continue the relationship.
How old are you both as that makes a difference

I grew up with some things which I admit can make it hard for me to trust.

These are the lies we tell ourselves when our partners aren't trustworthy, their words and actions aren't matching up.

"It's me, it's my past, I need to be more trusting." blah blah blah...

It's rarely us @daffolilly25. If he was straightforward, if his actions matched his words, if he didn't weasel around the questions with stalling words and explanations, I expect you'd be just fine.

Blaming our natural reactions on our past experiences rather than what is happening right in front of us is the biggest lie we tell ourselves...

I think that he is telling you what you want to hear. He telling you he will propose but has not done this yet. He probably is quiet happy to have a girlfriend with regular sex but after a few years together it time to piss in the pot or get off.
If you want to get married in 2025 you need to be looking at venues, making a list for invites and discussing how your going to pay for it like adults.
At this stage I say to him that you want to go ring shopping next Saturday and then start to look at venues for a wedding in 2025.

If he is not willing to bring you ring shopping you have your answer their if he is stalling for more time. Perhaps he thinks you do until someone better comes along in his eyes.
The truth is that if you been a couple for a few years depending on your ages it time to decide if you get married or split up. It not fair to stay with someone when you know long term you may not be interested in getting married or having a family with them. A lot of my friends wanted to be married before having children as well.

I would not be waiting any longer for this man to grow up. I know several couples who either got married abroad or had small family only weddings because their priority was buying a home rather than a big wedding. I know several woman as well that told boyfriends it was over because he was not willing to marry her. These woman went on to meet a men who wanted marriage and kids.

How does the OP wearing a new piece of jewellery or repeating the same discussion with a formal unnecessary proposal make it any more of a decision? You don’t actually need a ring to be engaged, it’s just a joint decision that’s been made.

If he wants to get married they can just go and start setting a date and looking at venues, but nothing of what you’ve suggested makes it any more likely to happen if he really doesn’t want to get married.

Why should his delaying things mean that the OP should treat him with kid gloves?

Show him what rings you like and tell him what size you are.

TBH I wouldn’t want to marry someone that made it such a chore.