Other school parents actively avoiding my ND child

[Heartshapediamond]

My 6 year old son has recently been diagnosed with ASD.
I haven’t actively told the other parents at school but they have had clearly been able to tell he’s ‘different’ for a while now.
He used to always get invited to parties and now he’s being totally excluded.
Not only that, but even when I see the other parents on the playground they will literally turn away. If they see my child talking to theirs they almost run over to them to break up the conversation.

I’m so sad for my son. He’s not violent or particularly aggressive, but he does have a tendency to have meltdowns and get visibly agitated about things. He’s prone to screaming and hitting me (he doesn’t hit other children).

It’s even harder as he doesn’t have any siblings and we live in an area where there aren’t many kids his age, and the ones that are don’t really play out much.

We have a couple of friends outside of school. But even that’s getting harder to organise anything. School holidays are very lonely for him.

I asked one of the mums of a boy he talks about at school whether said boy would like to come for a play date at our house. She said she’d let me know. Radio silence ever since and she now actively avoids me, unless she can’t then it’s just a very swift hi.

What the hell do I do? This is compounded my the fact I’m also waiting for a diagnosis of ADHD for myself. So my rejection sensitivity (RSD) is on high alert.

He’s not ... particularly aggressive

he have a tendency to have meltdowns and get visibly agitated about things.

He’s prone to screaming and hitting me (he doesn’t hit other children).

The parents will be taking their cue from his classmates. If they are witnessing the behaviours you describe, it can be frightening or overwhelming for kids that age.

It can also unfortunately become a vicous circle of struggling to connect and build mutually fun relationships. Is your ds involved in any outside activities like Cubs or can the school suggest strategies to develop relationships in a low key way that doesn't come across as too intense for the parents or kids?

Op in the same way you (understandably) prioritise your own child, they’re prioritising theirs. None of you are in the wrong. Can you socialise with other ND children?

Hello, I would also suggest something like Beavers to help him mix with kids his age. Are there also any SEN groups locally you could join? If I saw you both at the school gate, I would absolutely be nice and friendly to you both - there is no excuse for turning away and not chatting. But if I saw your child regularly having meltdowns, screaming and hitting you, I have to be honest, I wouldn't be looking for playdates.

My local churches have sessions (with coffee and support) for SEN families. You sound very isolated and I wonder if you have anything similar locally. You don’t need to be religious.

Not “particularly” aggressive? Maybe he has hurt those children or they find his meltdowns scary. Not your little boys fault of course but parents look out for their own children first. Very sad for you and him . I hope someone with more experience comes along with some advice.

I work in a special needs school. So we do have big behaviours where staff do get hurt.
The only reason I am mentioning this is because these children do not have any prejudice against SEN or nuro diversity.

However, there are the same reactions. Because they are afraid. They are reacting to what they are seeing.

You can easily say he won't hurt them but how do you think that looks to a small child?

I am sorry you're all going through this. It is a horrible, isolating journey.
But as above if these children are going home and telling the events through their lived experience those parents are going to prioritise their children.

Op there’s posts here regularly about kids being excluded and left out, or parents not talking to other parents and I always try to leave it on the thread that it may not be anything to do with your child or you. In our school a lot of the parents went to school together or the kids are eg cousins. Personally I don’t do a lot of play dates previously because of weekend work (I’ve only left recently), or pick ups (2 schools and train station for dh) etc. and I don’t talk to a lot of people at the school gates because simply put I’m generally too tired!! Have you spoken to teachers to see how he’s getting on?

My autistic little girl is a gentle soul, she has a strong sense of right and wrong, plus loud noises cause her to experience sensory overload. Basically as a ND individual her needs class with your sons and she wouldn’t enjoy his company. She makes enough compromises at school so I wouldn’t force her to play with someone she doesn’t like and whose behaviour causes her distress.

If you want your son to be more appealing as a friend you need to work on his behaviour e.g addressing the route cause of his big displays of negative emotions to reduce this behaviour

"I’m so sad for my son. He’s not violent or particularly aggressive, but he does have a tendency to have meltdowns and get visibly agitated about things. He’s prone to screaming and hitting me (he doesn’t hit other children)".

Unfortunately if he is demonstrating these behaviors (as a signal his needs are not been met, not on purpose) in class or in the playground it will make other children wary and they will go home and tell their parents about these behaviors. We've all seen the threads on here where a child is a target of these behaviors from another ND child and the school is doing "nothing" or have said "child has SN" and basically stonewalling the parents of the targeted child. All the advice is to go to headteacher and ensure the school is doing everything to keep their child safe as well as empowering the targeted DC to distance themselves. No-one wants their child to be a target. Parents will warn their child to stay away if a child is hitting or been aggressive to adults in case it escalates. Same with staying away if a child is prone to meltdown.

Have other parents seen him hitting you in the playground? Or having a meltdown in the playground? To some parents this is a huge red flag and massive avoid child at all costs signal.

Playdates are hard, they often come with an expectation of been reciprocated. The parents may feel unable to reciprocate a play date at theirs for your son. At 6 it starts to move into friend comes over to play for a couple of hours rather than mum and school friend. If your DC is displaying meltdowns, aggressive behavior, violence at school (again due to needs not met not purposeful behavior) and parents are hearing "Sam hit Mrs Smith today/ Sam laid in the corner screaming and Mrs Smith and Mrs Jones had to carry him into the corridor/ Sam had to leave the classroom because he threw a book at the wall" then they will make a note not to be inviting Sam to play. Especially if his behavior seems to require managing. Playdates for parents are a "break" from having to play pretend or playmate to your child. They go upstairs to their room or to the playroom or to the living room and play together for an hour, you only need to provide drinks, some kind of food or snacks and occasionally pop in.

Are his needs been met at school? Have you applied for an EHCP?

See if you can get him into some clubs. Attend some SEN sessions to widen his social circle.

After school club and activities are your best bet

My DD used go get invited to lots of parties, tea at her friends ect. Shes always been an emotional child and gotten overwhelmed easily but since the meltdowns and hitting herself at school have started, people have steered clear of her/us

I would never day it to my DD as I know she cant help it, but I'm not surprised people keep their distance. She looks mental some days. Before realising DD is the way she is, I would of stayed away from children who behaved like she did too

What has worked well for us is DD joining the local community after school clubs. Its mostly children who also have difficulties like my DD and they all get on really well

I also have ADHD - diagnosed last year. I understand the RSD, at least your aware of what your feeling so you should be able to stay logical about it

It is hurtful watching and knowing other people want to stay away, but I get it. I would of stayed away too

Deffo try your local community club

Their kids probably find some of his behaviours hard to deal with and have told their parents that he is bothering them. These behaviours may not actually be aggressive or mean.

My middle son is autistic with severe learning disability - he was put on the path for diagnosis by the HV after his 2 1/2 year check and has never attended a mainstream school.

He is very sensory seeking and loves smells. Other children don't like it if he hugs them tight and buries his nose in their hair because they smell of strong shampoo, or grabs their hands to smell because they've just used sanitiser.

It's not always nice to hear other kids complain about him, but we do try and stop him doing it as the kids have a right to not be grabbed at.

In some ways I think adults and older kids are kinder to my son with his more "classic" autism as it becomes apparent from casual observation that he is autistic. Your son might just be seen as "naughty".

I’m not sure there’s much you can do about school friends. It’s not fair to force other children to have play dates with your DS or invite him to parties. The other children and parents may have witnessed the meltdowns or him hitting and shouting at you and not want them to play with him and not sure you can blame them for that. Maybe try some after school activities that he will enjoy and meet other children there?

OP I've been there. My DS is a gentle soul who isn't at all aggressive and doesn't have meltdowns but parents reacted the very same way. After school clubs are your best bet. Are there are organisations locally to you that do social groups for children with asd?

Another vote for after school clubs and sports.

Tennis clubs often have week long activities in the summer and he will meet kids from other schools.

One other thing though, large classes and noisy schools are not good for ND kids. As he moves through the school system he will be able to learn to control things a bit better but this is just masking.

My DD14 would meltdown after school at this age too, over whelmed by the day.

Secondary I moved her to small all girls school with small classes. She has thrived and made friends.

I'm so sorry OP sometimes having an ND kid is tough.

@Lifesd did you read the OP. The child has been diagnosed with ASD and waiting for ADHD diagnosis.

I dont know about the OP but generally, when a parent of an ND child seeks a diagnosis for themselves it's because theyve spotted similar behaviours in themselves, once their child had been diagnosed!

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year, I had no idea at all. Just spent my life with low self esteem, confidence and wondering how everyone else coped whilst I was constantly drowning.

I only realised it was ADHD after my sons teacher said she wondered if he had it and I did some thorough researching 🤦‍♀️

I'm sure the OP will be aware socialising takes effort. If she has the same as her son shes probably been masking her whole life.

Your comment was really rude and unhelpful to be honest. You clearly have no idea what your talking about

Literally first line of the op, he's been diagnosed.

Maybe you shouldn't be advising anyone about perception.

OP when my Foster Son first came to live with me he had monumental meltdowns. He was almost 6. He hit another DC, hit the minibus escort, the mini bus driver and deputy head teacher all in one morning. Other DC were afraid of him. I've worked and worked on getting rid of his anger safely. I give him a piece of paper and he could scribble anything he wanted on the paper, also sitting on his hands for 5 minutes so he could not hit anyone and then once he was about 7 1/2 taking himself off to sit alone on his hands. I've asked school to basically stand out of his hitting zone and not too stand too close to him when he's in a bad mood. Over the years he's improved to the point he now never hits out at anyone. If he gets upset he takes himself off to sit on his own sitting on his hands until he feels calm. He's got so many friends now and one of the most popular boys on his college course. Last season he was voted by his teammates Players Player for his Saturday cricket team. I'm telling you this so you can see you can change his behaviour and if you do he won't be excluded forever. I used to make up stories to tell FS when he was little about a boy who didn't get invited to parties because other DC were frightened of his temper and then another story about a boy who sat on his hands when he was angry and after a little while he wasn't angry anymore then other DC liked him. At home I also took him into a field next to our house and got him to throw the cricket ball as far as he could to show me how angry he was. FS has learning disabilities and low IQ so making him understand was key to him learning to control his own emotions.

DD (also six) has a child in her class who sounds similar to your son. I know the mum well enough to know that they are going through a diagnostic process, I think for ADHD.

While he isn’t violent, he’s not a good friend to DD. Kicks her under the table, insists games are played his way, lies, that sort of thing. I have been to the teacher to ask for help in managing things because I felt like my well-behaved child was being used as a bulwark. We invited him to her birthday party last year, and he was a negative presence. It may be that sort of thing.

He still runs up to DD, happily showed his mum where DD had written her name on his paper like he asked… but if I asked if she would have a playdate with him she’d say no.

Though in my case, I should add, if I avoid the mum it’s because ND or not I have seen her let him get away with very poor behaviour with no consequence. Shoving kids in park gates etc.

Unfortunately it's something you'll have to get used to while he's in mainstream. It's tough.

You would probably be better off looking for SN groups in your area.

Have a chat with his teacher and see who he sits beside, maybe they could switch his seat to be near someone they think he could develop a friendship with. I have a son with ASD and he sadly never found a friendship group in primary school but has now found 3 strong friendships in secondary school and they all get along great, they also all have educational needs and developed their friendship in their learning support group x

It's so hard op, I had a sibling with an obvious disability and was never invited anywhere. I grew up with people staring at him walking around supermarkets etc or restaurants so I know how hard it is.
On the flip side, ds had a friend in primary whose behaviour become more challenging. We did have play dates but friend would come over, tip all toys out but not play with any of them, whilst ds patently waiting. Then friend would repeatedly ask where ds older brother was and chase him and didn't want to play with ds. We did try and few times but I can't put ds through it.

It's so hard isn't it because if mum could give us some tips or ask is ds OK because sometime he does x y z but if so tell me and we can blah?

But chatting to mum in the past about issues with both our dc I've not been able to get straight answers.

Segregation of anyone with a difference. Fabulous. Must have blinked an woken up in 1970.