My mum moved in but barely lifts a finger

[Mumoftwinsandasingleton]

My mum was sent a section 21 for her rented flat back in August 2023. She has been living with me and my husband since. We had twins in September 2023 and have a 3 year old. My mum works as a cleaner from 6am to 9am. She is then free throughout the day. She despises helping out with the children as she just wants to sit and watch day time TV without the children in the way. She can't cook, so always waits for me to prepare all meals. She also doesn't clean the house or help out with any chores aside from washing her OWN clothes and washing dishes. She contributes £20 every week but not a penny over. Whenever we go for shopping, she always expects me to pay and then whines that she only has x amount in her purse if I do ask her to pay. On mother's day, she chose to go out with my sister and sends her money regularly even though my sister refused to take her in during her dire situation. My husband really tolerates my mum and keeps saying I'm clearly not the favourite child. She needs to move on but is still waiting for the housing to get back to her. Any advice?

@Mumoftwinsandasingleton I'm glad you've made some progress but I fear it's not enough.
I'm really shocked by your mum's behaviour. I'm older than her with 2 daughters both of whom have children, and if I found myself in your mother's position I'd be doing everything to support and help my daughter, especially if she had three small children, two of them twins. Not because of anything transactional re living there but because parenting is hard and I would want to make her load lighter and easier. I'd want to help with the children, cook meals, make sure everyone's washing was done. It would give me pleasure. The fact that you've basically had to talk her into it to me indicates that she is more concerned with her own comfort than with supporting you at this, one of the most challenging and important times of your life. Which I suppose is narcissistic. If she's narcissistic these changes won't hold firm and you won't get any more out of her than the crumbs you've managed to negotiate. You won't get freely offered loving generosity.

And that, my dear, is what you deserve. Not crumbs.
Be careful. You must be exhausted and just pleased that things are better than they were. But I'm angry with your mum on your behalf, because she doesn't appreciate the opportunity you are giving her to live in your loving family with your precious children.
It's not good enough.
I really hope it gets better. 🌹

Glad to hear you gave had a talk and changes have been made

Just wanted to send some sympathy OP, that's really tough and it's hard when your confidence has taken a knock. Hope things get better soon you're juggling so much it's seriously impressive, and it's really not okay your mum's approach. You deserve more!

That sounds a lot more positive. I think your dh should keep at her to get her to continue to uphold her side of the bargain. He is likely to have the head space to be a lot more focused than you because you’ve go so much on your plate.

Hey op. Update is great news but I also think you need to work on your loneliness situation. Once the three year old is in school, try going out to some different groups or finding a twin support group near you so you can meet some mum friends and hopefully feel a bit less alone during the week.

I’m pleased for you OP. It must have been a difficult conversation to have, so well done. It’s hard holding those we love to account.

So go out and make new friends. Playgroups, parks, baby classes, find stuff to do in the evening once a week when DH can put the kids to bed.

Ha ha!

She's paying more for the privilege of doing more!

Well played!

Update is great, well done.
But... I think you really need to bear in mind the long term implications. Get away from the roses around the door right now situation.
How long will she remain with you? Things will change as the dc get older and are at school. You might want to return to part time work and having a third wheel in the household could be difficult in the the long term with regards to your marriage. Dh is away a lot but if he was home more would he really want your dm there all the time especially as she's relatively 'young' at there all the time?
Unless there are health problems why is she not working more hours? You said she had been on benefits most of her life, why was that?
In your shoes I would be concerned she would put down roots and still want to be with me until old age and my caring for her, especially as she appears to have a bit of an attitude problem now.

I agree it's probably OK whilst the kids are young but not a substitute for friends of your own.

Also, how long will your husband be ok with it?

Wonder if it'll be long before she starts doing less again?

Only just come across this thread and mainly read OP’s posts: I would serve her an eviction notice (then she can get housed even if it’s is temporary emergency housing, but then would go on a waitlist and get housing benefits, permanent housing, etc); then, as you feel need support while the twins are small, get yourself a lovely au pair for DMs room who WILL want to help but will also be out at language classes and with au pair friends a few evenings a week.

She needs to go, if she hasn’t already!

Thank you for the update! Well done. I hope that things improve moving forward and your Mum appreciates having a roof over her head.

From May?

Good luck getting it from her. She's been taking the absolute piss for months, so while I do hope things are changing for the better and she's going to pay a perfectly reasonable amount to remain there, I would still be giving her notice to leave.

Thanks for all the well wishes. I've come to the conclusion I want her to stay whilst the kids are young so I won't be evicting her yet. Main reasons for this - I can cook the food fairly easily with her here, I can nip out shopping without the kids, I can take my 3 year old to her ballet class and swimming class (would not be able to take her at all with the twins as I have to be in the water with her). Sometimes (not very often to be fair) my husband has late meetings which means he isn't home until around 8:30pm. Days like this are unbearable without the support. My husband went on holiday for 10 days and I know I would not be able to cope without my mum's support.

In terms of being sociable I do have lots of amazing mum friends and one non mum friend. They come to the house occasionally and sometimes we meet for lunch and playdates. I tend to avoid inviting them over because my mum doesn't like them at the house (she doesn't want them to know she is living with me permanently so none of them actually know). She tends to leave just before they come and doesn't return until after my husband gets back, which generally means I can't comfortably get on with the cooking and other household chores once my friend has left.

My mum was on benefits all our childhood because she chose to be a stay at home mum and raise us (me and my sister). No father around or financial support given by him. Not sure why she didn't get a job once we started school. My mum is very physically able with no disabilities or health issues.

Other things to note:

• I have 2 close twin mum friends who are always going on about their stress and fatigue and lucky I am that my mum is looking after the twins during the nursery school run (they assume she comes over specifically to help for the school run but don't know she's living with me permanently)
• I still feel uneasy that I had to nudge my mum in the right direction as she is now overly nice and smiley which seems somewhat fake
• fingers crossed she is genuinely changed

£200/ month is a start, but still isn't very much, and probably only just covers the costs to you of her staying there. What does she do with the rest of her earnings? Is she saving anything towards future rent/bills/ a deposit on a flat/ the costs of moving?
Why not charge her a bit more, and do what lots of parents on here seem to do with the money their adult kids pay for bed and board (save some of it up and give it back to the child when they move out)?!

PS: Have your friends over more often. Tell them the truth about your living circumstances. Let her go and find other things to do with her time.

I hope she has changed for the better but don't compromise yourself by lying for her. Just tell your friends the truth. Your mother does not get to dictate terms, your friends should be welcome in your house. If she doesn't like it then she can leave can't she! And yes I understand life must be a lot easier with her there, but you have to be the one in control if she is to remain, she doesn't get to make you feel bad.

Sounds like you’re using her as much. When you don’t need her anymore, are you going to evict her, 10 years down the line?

I'm concerned that your husband might not be quite so accepting of this situation.

You can tell your friends what you like about your mother living with you....if she feels some sort of shame about not being able to support herself that's her lookout. It's your house and if you want people over then do it.

Everyone is up in arms about potential benefits changes , these are exactly the sort if people they mean. Those who are able to work but choose not to.
She has absolutely no reason not to work full time.
You said she stayed at home on benefits when you were young?

If I was your dh I would have to have a long talk with you about our future. I would not tolerate a long term interloper into my marriage.

Yeah she was on benefits all throughout our childhood. But she isn't now. I was always a gifted child academically - I don't know how haha, but I later helped my mum get her first job (wrote her cv and cover letter). I also helped my sister to get her jobs as well but now she's very independent. In hindsight, I think my mum became very dependent on the system, but at the time, she was always complaining that she applied for jobs and was never being interviewed. Maybe a combination of rejection and relying on the system

I plan to evict maybe once the twins are less clingy. They are very mobile now and I've noticed they are much happier. We've already discussed writing her a letter of eviction but my mum fears being put in awful housing

This entire situation is so unbelievably fucked up. Neither of you sound very nice tbh