My mum moved in but barely lifts a finger

[Mumoftwinsandasingleton]

My mum was sent a section 21 for her rented flat back in August 2023. She has been living with me and my husband since. We had twins in September 2023 and have a 3 year old. My mum works as a cleaner from 6am to 9am. She is then free throughout the day. She despises helping out with the children as she just wants to sit and watch day time TV without the children in the way. She can't cook, so always waits for me to prepare all meals. She also doesn't clean the house or help out with any chores aside from washing her OWN clothes and washing dishes. She contributes £20 every week but not a penny over. Whenever we go for shopping, she always expects me to pay and then whines that she only has x amount in her purse if I do ask her to pay. On mother's day, she chose to go out with my sister and sends her money regularly even though my sister refused to take her in during her dire situation. My husband really tolerates my mum and keeps saying I'm clearly not the favourite child. She needs to move on but is still waiting for the housing to get back to her. Any advice?

It was your birthday , and your mother ''didn't want to get you anything''??

I've heard it all now.

Kick her sorry ass out of your house!

Get the financials together and say that she pays such an amount. Non negotiable. If she refuses she has a week to leave. Be firm on this. The money you’re paying for her could be going towards your kids.

Being a twin mum is definitely making me think I really need her support. She does watch them whilst I cook (albeit begrudgingly) but I know I get more done than a typical twin mum. Thanks for the hugs- that means a lot

@Mumoftwinsandasingleton Twins are serious hard work.
Especially with a 3 year old.

I only have one DC {now an adult} but looked after twins for a neighbour while she was getting back into work.
They are really hard work- their mum said working was far easier than looking after two twins and two older children.

My other friend has Twins...she used to be a Nanny, so absolutely loves young children, she had Twins {now teenagers} and two older children, and the twins nearly broke her {she can laugh about it now}

I found one baby ''hard'' enough - he was a really good, easy baby as well, but three children...the feeding, the washing, the attention they all need... no wonder you are feeling frazzled.

This is the holiday that I was referring to originally. He's booked a family one for all of us this summer which will be nice

What makes you think I sound depressed? Nobody has ever said that before

Possibly as your self esteem is low?...and not wanting to be alone.
It can be really hard to stand up to a shouty parent.

I attempted to have this conversation back in November but she was really angry about it. She said I don't appreciate her and that I would feel it when she's gone. I levying mentioned that she shouldn't want to be tagging on to her daughter and son in law, but she said she needed more time to save. I showed her properties at a monthly rental price of £400, but she found reasons to not view. I'm going to attempt again in April but be more firm

She gets super offended by this suggestion. She does not want to be surrounded by old people. She likes our vibrant household

I think it's more to do with being a twin mum. My mum originally had a second job from the city she lived in before moving in with us (a 2 hour drive away). She would leave at 1pm and be back home by 8:30pm. I really did not like those tough days alone. I was literally watching the clock and counting down for my husband's return

You could probably hire help for less than the cost of housing and feeding your mother.

I'm going to be blunt. I don't intend to be rude. But your mum is lazy, controlling and is taking you for a mug.
she's,56 and giving it "you'll miss me when I'm gone". I'm 55 I've swam, cycled 40 miles, walked about 50 this week. She will most likely on average live another 30 years.
from what you have said she has a sense of entitlement. Refusing to pay the top up rent, living on benefits, not getting a full time job. Only paying you £20 and not really helping you with the kids.

she didn't buy you a birthday present...it tells you how she values you. Yes she is your mum. But you don't need a mum to live a happy and fulfilling life. My mum died when I was 17 and still at school...I've done ok in the world without her. It would have been nice to have her see what I achieved but I still did it

Yes we're all English

This comment has really hit home. I'm definitely going to reflect and think more about myself and my own self-worth. I'll be talking to her about expectations. To be honest, I really don't want to be cut off by her. When she found out I was in touch with my dad back in 2022, she told me she would cut me off. A part of me is still broken by that and I fear her love for me is somewhat tenuous and conditional. It definitely knocked my confidence that she said that. I need to work on myself for sure. Thank you everyone for your comments. They've highlighted so much for me

Put kids tv on and hide the remote!

I think there might be some form of narcissistic enmeshment going on here. What kind of mother was she to you as a child? Did she cook and clean then? This woman is the same age as me and I set up a small business in lockdown which is now thriving, pay a mortgage, clean and cook and launder.

She sounds lazy, feckless and narcissistic. Her divide and conquer technique for Mother's Day made your sister the Golden Child and you the Scapegoated child.

You are lost in fear, obligation and guilt. You are frightened of her because she releases narcissistic rage. You feel paralysed by this venomous woman, just like you did as a child and this is what is messing with your poor head. Also you are a mother and seeing your children grow will inevitably make you revisit your own childhood in your head. But you have your malingering mother whining and acting like the narcissistic toddler she is, while she ignores the real toddler's needs in the house, who are her precious grand children.

She is using you and knows she can because of all these psychological tactics she is using.

Sending you loads of hugs xxx

Honestly op you'd be better off hoofing your lazy mum out and getting a live in au pair/ mothers help to lend a hand with the twins.

Can't believe she's only 3 years older than me - I thought she was 70+ from your first post!!!

She's talking advantage and being manipulative.

56 is relatively a spring chicken - she's not elderly and has at least 10 years of a working life yet.

She could do a lot to help herself, working more hours, applying fir benefits. She's doing nothing because you are allowing her to leech off you.

Of course, She's shouting & defensive when called out on her bullshit. It's a way of getting you to stop. Again, it's manipulative.

If you DH didn't work awaybso much this would also be having a detrimental effect on your marraige.

She's taking you for a fool and you are allowing it.

What causes narcissistic behaviours? My mum doesn't talk much about her childhood but I know it was tough for her to grow up as the youngest of 6 siblings.

As a child she was really tender and loving. However, our meals were mostly packet meals or frozen food. She definitely kept the house spotless though.

Thank you so much for your analysis. I had a deep talk with my husband about it this evening. He wasn't aware how I was feeling during the day. We've decided we will talk to her about it together. She's generally more intimidated by my husband

Depending on her age, she may qualify for sheltered accommodation. I believe it's over 55's and would be easier to get than a council property.

She needs to go - she sounds like a mardy teenager. Don't worry about being alone during the day. Is your 3 year old in nursery yet? Look into twin groups, play groups.

I wanted to update everyone. Thanks again for all of your responses. Even calling me a doormat really helped to wake me up! I approached my mum yesterday (I know it took too long) and we've agreed on £200 per month from May! Still not loads but she helps out more now and is no longer watching day time TV. She realises now that she would be homeless without us and that there's no bargaining anymore. Thanks all so much again

Just give her a date inwhich she will be made homeless. Put it in writing

You are right , it’s not loads . Especially if she gets every single meal supplied all week . Plus utilities. You are still out of pocket with her living there . She is one cheeky woman .

Mate 😂

i’m really pleased to read this update. She’s your mum and if you’ve managed to come to an amicable arrangement for living together, then great. So good to read she’s helping out more snd paying more. I hope your relationship has improved? it’s great to gc to have a close relationship with gp