My mum moved in but barely lifts a finger

[Mumoftwinsandasingleton]

My mum was sent a section 21 for her rented flat back in August 2023. She has been living with me and my husband since. We had twins in September 2023 and have a 3 year old. My mum works as a cleaner from 6am to 9am. She is then free throughout the day. She despises helping out with the children as she just wants to sit and watch day time TV without the children in the way. She can't cook, so always waits for me to prepare all meals. She also doesn't clean the house or help out with any chores aside from washing her OWN clothes and washing dishes. She contributes £20 every week but not a penny over. Whenever we go for shopping, she always expects me to pay and then whines that she only has x amount in her purse if I do ask her to pay. On mother's day, she chose to go out with my sister and sends her money regularly even though my sister refused to take her in during her dire situation. My husband really tolerates my mum and keeps saying I'm clearly not the favourite child. She needs to move on but is still waiting for the housing to get back to her. Any advice?

Don't get a dog with three young children, it's not fair on dog.

Dogs need lots of exercise which isn't compatible with three young children.

But I agree with kicking her out.

Your mother sounds like a financial disaster, Taxpayers were paying her rent, and she wouldn't even top it up out of her benefits and was evicted for non payment of rent? Zero sympathy.

She's an out and out user, Get her out of your house asap.

Your other sister didn't want her, and surprise ,surprise, now you know why.

My husband works far from home and gets back in late, but he is present and is great when he's home. He'll be going on ski holiday at the beginning of April. He booked it a while back before he knew we were expecting twins

That is what caused me to lose all sympathy.

Refusing to pay rent means she won't be getting a good reference, either.

She sounds really irresponsible.

We live a 2 hour drive from each other haha

Tough, kick her out. She can go stay with your sister. You are being a doormat, but I’m imagining that you’re frankly knackered with twin babies. Hugs, be brave, get shot of her. Unless she eats like a bird and uses no utilities, she’s costing you serious money.

It wasn't like this before but since moving in, I'm well and truly back to being a kid for some reason. Could never have imagined feeling like this. She's a very shouty person, so it's easier just to roll one's eyes and comply

Is this how you want to live your life until she dies? It seems both your mum and husband are taking the piss. Get your life back!

I have twins and a 3 year old. I appreciate having someone else to talk to during the day. Friends are now working

@Mumoftwinsandasingleton My husband works far from home and gets back in late, but he is present and is great when he's home. He'll be going on ski holiday at the beginning of April. He booked it a while back before he knew we were expecting twins is that another holiday he is going on or is it the same one you are talking about???

You either wait or you need to write her a letter telling her you want her to leave and give a date. She will have to take this to the council and make a homeless application.

It’s actually shameful your mum is treating you this way. Tell her you can’t afford to keep feeding her and paying for the increase in utilities, and you don’t have time for the extra workload of cleaning up after her when you have 3 young children. Say I’m therefore giving you 4 weeks notice that you have to leave and I’ll write to the council and let them know.

I don't think you'll feel alone during the day when she leaves, I think there will be a massive sense of relief and time to enjoy your children.

You also sound depressed, is there someone you can talk to about your mental health?

Your husband is an Angel unless he is seething inside!

Tell her straight. You're a lazy, tight fisted scrounger and you need to find somewhere to live by x date or you're out on the street.

One months notice would be the longest I'd give her.

Don't 'throw her out' but explain it is time to have a proper and honest conversation. Prepare well, make a list of what needs to change, go through it clearly and give her a chance to make amends. If she won't listen, or make a real effort to contribute more and help more (maybe specify what you expect her to help with, clearly)- then will be the time to say it's time to go. Be it to your sister's - or wherever.

Get your husband to ask her to move out

You haven't mentioned your mums age but if she's 55 or over she can apply for sheltered housing or care home... in a care home she can pay very little, is more likely to get rehoused and can be treated as a queen! 😀

So sorry you are in this situation. We had something similar, much less time, with my DP’s mother as like you his sister refused to help. She was with us a month or so and we had to ask her to leave …not getting into all of that as was horrendous. I had no help whatsoever cost us a fortune and she never even said thanks let alone pay for anything.

But in between me having to kick her out my DP helped her be in contact with the housing officer and fill in the homeless forms etc etc etc. As we could not evict her as she was only with us temporarily. There should be a priority housing officer name and number listed on your towns council website. Give them a call and they will help you, make it clear AT ALL TIMES she is homeless and cannot stay.

Oh and DPs mum was found amazing permanent accommodation 6 months later.

She has a completely stunning brand new flat…..sadly for us very very close to us.

If your mum is helped in the same way she will no longer be your responsibility or your sisters. Hope you, your DH and your sister are OK we’ve never really been OK ever since as it’s awful being used by a parent.

To be honest it's a long and complex issue. My mum was originally evicted back in 2019 for not paying her rent. My mum and sister then got a place together but the whole thing is long and complicated

That is not the behaviour of mothers as what I know mothers to be from my own and all other mothers I have seen. How do you accept this? Are you all English?

She's just turned 56, so not exactly a spring chicken but definitely very capable of a lot. She does not have any qualifications unfortunately so she has spent most of her adult life on benefits. I helped her to get her first job a few years back as a lunchtime organiser but she's not interested in doing anything full time

Yeah you're right. I was originally so grateful to have her because she did more when she first moved in. I was recovering from my c section and she drove me and the children everywhere whilst my husband worked. Things turned at the end of October when I was 6 weeks post partum and could finally drive myself to places. She was less loving after that point. It was also my birthday and she said she didn't want to get me anything, which I found really piercing. I definitely hate how soft I'm being. I know I need to grow a backbone. Part of me likes that she is living with me. I think I have more independence than most twin mums but I'm aware she does everything begrudgingly and that she is a major financial burden

Your mother is taking advantage. She is earning over £150 a week and she is giving you £20? When rent and bills and food usually cost 30-50% of a person's income? And also making no contribution in terms of housework or childcare?

I would suggest you demand at least £75 a week from her and give her the planned date for her moving out. She sounds like she generally lands on her feet, so you won't need to worry about her.

A female Professional I knew a few years ago in a respected profession , {Very firm and in control } said that when she visited her parents...she reverted to being a child again.

It's not uncommon.

Your mum sounds very hard work.
I can't believe she's not actively helping you out with the children.

Three under 5's must be very hard indeed.

Coupled with a lazy mum!