Should I expect a thank you

[Williteverstopraining1]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here and a bit precious and should just let it go or if I'm justified in being rankled a bit.

My DP and I don't live together yet (we are planning to at some point when he can sell his house) and each have one DC, similar ages (pre teen). Kids get on well, I get on well with DP's child and vice versa him with mine.

So as to not drip feed, DP goes back to his parents at weekends when he has his DC as due to DP's exW having the house which he still pays 50% under the divorce he cannot afford anywhere suitable enough to live to have his DC over at weekends.

DP and exW are amicable and she's a pleasant person, we are civil, shes just not my cup of tea. We've messaged a few times about their DC so communication is open but I've only met her a few times in person when on the odd occasion I've been with DP when we've picked up DP's DC. All fine and friendly.

Once a month or so, DP and his DC come to mine for the whole weekend. Food costs, going out etc are split between my DP and I on these weekends. I wouldn't expect his exW to contribute as he has DC every weekend. However I never even get a thank you from DP's exW for having her over at my house. For the record, I don't get involved in parenting his DC as only known DC for a few years, I treat his DC more like a close niece/ nephew so it's not like his DC is expected to stay at my house as part of contact arrangements.
I do it as I love having his DC here as we have a great time all together.

AIBU to expect DP's exW to just say 'thanks for having her over at yours' in the same way I would do if my DC stayed at a friends house (including my parents who I always thank on the occasions they have my DC)?
She never has done so and I just feel there's no gratitude at all and it just grates a bit.

Not going to mention it to DP as dont want to appear petty and create issues where its only a little insignificant thing. But I just find it SO rude and it bugs me. Am i just being petty?

You are being ridiculous but you know that

Completely agree with this, it makes my skin crawl when on rare occasions my DH ex thanks him/ us for the things we do for and with SC (we have her 4 nights of seven) because it's patronising and implies we are just kindly friends or something less important than her and it's her job to be grateful on behalf of her child or that we are doing her a favour.
It's belittling particularly to DH.

It's totally different for her to be generally thankful that we are loving and responsible co parents and this is occasionally expressed to DH.
I never directly communicate with her because there is no need or occasion to (I would if needed ).

Get over yourself. You are not more polite than anyone else. Actually I think it is pretty insulting and backwards that you think the ex owes you thanks or even that you think it would be polite to give you thanks. Because that says you think your “partner” bears no responsibility for his child and you are both doing her some big favour. It’s actually pretty depressing and not at all funny.

You aren’t doing his exW a favour, you are doing your boyfriend a favour. It’s his job to parent his own child, no thanks or medals for that. You aren’t doing his exW any favours, she’d probably be more thankful if he did all the parenting himself rather than handed it to another woman.

Your partners at fault here. He leaves responsibilities to you and you get upset with the ex about it? She doesn't need to thank you.

And I also thank people in all of the above situations. I wouldn't thank the partner of the father of my kids for having them over to stay with them though. They're not doing me a favour. They're maybe doing my ex a favour.
He has to see his kids regardless, you like having them, and presumably seeing your partner, who has only a weekend commitment to his see his children, so it works for you both to spend it together. You came on the scene after the kids, so have to find the middle ground. This is it.

You can always say you don't want his kids at yours until you get a place together. Yeah, sounds odd doesn't it? They're HIS children OP, not just his exes..

I'd maybe be thanking her for being fine with them being around you. A lot of people aren't..

And putting down the rest of the population as less polite than you, because you'd do something out of the ordinary, and expect it from others even when the general consensus is YABU, isn't polite at all OP. Perhaps you're just wrong and YABU.

Yeah I think being polite is important but I’m really struggling to see how your boyfriend’s contact arrangements needs her input.

Should she be thanking her ex’s parents as well for having them around? Does your DP thank everyone the children spend time with when they are with their mum?

I’m really struggling to understand where you are coming from here. Do you feel unappreciated for having the kids at yours? Or resentful that they are at your home? Otherwise it’s difficult to understand where this need for thanks from her is coming from.

Does your DC’s dad thank your new partner each time you all go on a day out together? Or when your DP stays at yours and presumably entertains your child as well as his own?

Or is your ex just as rude as your DPs ex and the rest of the population?

You’re not ‘overly polite’ as you like to see yourself, you are entitled. Don’t have him and his child stay at yours if you think it is something that warrants a thank you each time as you clearly don’t enjoy it.

Or if you do enjoy having his child stay over, as you say, then maybe YOU should send a thank you to his exwife for raising her child to be such a pleasure to be around seen as she does more percentage of the child rearing.

You are really unreasonable about this and have not thought this attitude through at all. I'm extra shocked that, despite everyone telling you how unreasonable you are, you've come away with the conclusion that yiu are simply better than most people.😜

This!

Like a PP, I'm puzzled about your motives, and I'm afraid I'm coming to the conclusion that you're on a bit of a power trip. I think you have, or like, the idea that the ex (about whom your rather patronising and dismissive tone in the OP struck me - 'pleasant person, but not [your] cup of tea', or whatever it was) has something to humbly thank you for - that you're generously hosting her child while having 'won' her former h. It's almost as if you want an acknowledgement from her that you (in your own mind) have come out on top.

Like everyone else I'm astounded you're doubling down on this. It is NOT the ex who is sending her children to your house, it is her ex, your boyfriend, who is bringing HIS kids to yours. You are in no way doing any sort of favour or service to her.
She hasn't been raised with bad manners. She isn't impolite. She does however have a very high chance of having to deal with a nightmare of a situation in years to come with her ex and his GF.

Exactly!

Why on earth would the DM thank you? For what?

And your DP should be paying more than 50/50, does he contribute after to the washing the bedding, replacing used items etc?

And he should be thanking his parents for still having a grown man and his kids to stay so often, I hope he is paying the cost to them for him staying so often.

For anyone who needs a TL;DR

OP: I'm right.
Everyone else: No you're not.
OP: I guess I'm just better bought up than you and you wouldn't understand.

OP, why start a thread when you don't give a toss what anyone else thinks? What's the point?

@Williteverstopraining1 the DM is not being impolite, she's nothing to thank you for! Absolutely no reason to thank you whatsoever!

And I'm fairly certain you're not her cup of tea either!

Yes! This thread is rage inducing!

My DH brings his kids to me during his contact time, his ex didn't thank me !

Dies her DH thank the exes parents, new partner etc for babysitting or visiting or such like?

Madness!

He thanks his parents every weekend for having them at thiers despite it being the norm.

Of course he thanks them. They’re doing him a favour. He also thanks you, so that’s exactly the same.

Does his ex-wife thank his parents?

This is a bizarre thread.

😂 You're in for an eye opening time time should you blend households, your expectations around his ExW having any level of gratitude towards you or him on him contact time is mind boggling. You come across very Lady Bountiful for someone who is only hosting their boyfriend's DC on his contact time so you can spend time with him. I'm not sure why she would thank you. I'm not sure why she would spare you a thought.

This isn't about being more polite than other people, what a condescending thing to say! You obviously think a lot yourself.

IMO you are being rude expecting a thank you from someone who has no reason to thank you whatsoever. Of course it's your partner that should be thanking his parents/you for facilitating the visits since he isn't in a position to do this himself. She looks after the kids during her time, he looks after them (with help) during his, no thank you required from her point of view.

I'll bet the 97% of people who voted YABU also thank people who are holding the door open for them. Because in that situation, they are doing you a favour. You are not doing your partner's ex a favour by having their child to stay during HIS custody time.

Right - so obviously subconsciously you resent her living the family home. And you feel that you are facilitating this when they stay at yours. Which is why you feel you should be thanked and the rest of us are scratching our heads baffled.
You really need to address this before you move in together. The financial split will have been fair and he has to provide for his kids.
You are not more polite than other people - you are nursing resentment we aren't.

If your partner’s ex gets a new partner and she starts taking the kids to his house for meals, weekends etc, will your partner thank the new partner for having his kids every time?

Honestly why N odd odd approach . Where her ex based himself on his weekend with the kids is absolutist loyal nothing to do with her. If they go to a hotel should she ring them and 'thank' her too. You seem to think you're doing her a favour. You're not .you're facilitating your dh and maybe if anything giving your in laws a break from helping look after them.

Im honestly a bit shocked you feel that it's the poor ex who needs to 'thank you' .

It also seems to me like she thinks her DP is doing his ex a favour! He is not!

That’s outrageous. The ONLY person you should be getting a thank you from is your partner. Why on earth would you think you are owed a thank you from the ex-wife when your partner brings HIS child there in HIS time. The child shouldn’t thank you either as they have no choice in where they go. It’s completely different to them going on a jolly to a friends house when they have asked to go.

I can’t believe such a thought process exists tbh.

Do you want her to thank you every time you shag her ex as well?