Should I expect a thank you

[Williteverstopraining1]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here and a bit precious and should just let it go or if I'm justified in being rankled a bit.

My DP and I don't live together yet (we are planning to at some point when he can sell his house) and each have one DC, similar ages (pre teen). Kids get on well, I get on well with DP's child and vice versa him with mine.

So as to not drip feed, DP goes back to his parents at weekends when he has his DC as due to DP's exW having the house which he still pays 50% under the divorce he cannot afford anywhere suitable enough to live to have his DC over at weekends.

DP and exW are amicable and she's a pleasant person, we are civil, shes just not my cup of tea. We've messaged a few times about their DC so communication is open but I've only met her a few times in person when on the odd occasion I've been with DP when we've picked up DP's DC. All fine and friendly.

Once a month or so, DP and his DC come to mine for the whole weekend. Food costs, going out etc are split between my DP and I on these weekends. I wouldn't expect his exW to contribute as he has DC every weekend. However I never even get a thank you from DP's exW for having her over at my house. For the record, I don't get involved in parenting his DC as only known DC for a few years, I treat his DC more like a close niece/ nephew so it's not like his DC is expected to stay at my house as part of contact arrangements.
I do it as I love having his DC here as we have a great time all together.

AIBU to expect DP's exW to just say 'thanks for having her over at yours' in the same way I would do if my DC stayed at a friends house (including my parents who I always thank on the occasions they have my DC)?
She never has done so and I just feel there's no gratitude at all and it just grates a bit.

Not going to mention it to DP as dont want to appear petty and create issues where its only a little insignificant thing. But I just find it SO rude and it bugs me. Am i just being petty?

I thank people for holding the door open for me

They are doing YOU a favour. You are not doing the ex a favour.

delivery people who come to my house. I don't know them, I don't owe them anything but I still say thank you as its just polite

It's their job! It's not your 'job' to have the children

Obviously it's very odd to be polite!

No, but it's very odd to expect thanks from you partners ex when your not doing her a favour, or a job, or anything like that.

As a pp pointed out, what dad does with them at the weekend it out of her hands.

What if they buy an ice cream with you? Should the ex seek out the ice cream van to thank them for giving their kids an ice cream?

Just because people don't agree with you, it doesn't mean they are impolite.

Your other examples are actually examples of being polite and everyone should be doing that. But the subject of your OP is not about someone being polite. It’s you being really bloody odd, and actually quite rude.

The weekends he has his kid are his time. Childcare and places for his kid to stay are all his responsibility. It’s nothing to do with his ex. You’re not doing her a favour, you’re not doing anything she needs to thank you for. Your partner needs to thank you, but you are nothing to her. The kid staying with you during dad’s time is nothing to her.

Do you think she should be calling up his parents to thank them as well? Because that’s also his job.
Does your partner send his ex a text message every day to thank her for having the kids? Does he call her parents/friends/his child’s friend’s parents when his kid has been at their house during his ex wife’s time?

No way, she's not your friend.

Really no point asking Aibu if you don’t take the answer of 96%! Do bear in mind that you are unlikely to be 97% more polite than the vast number of MN users.

This isn’t an issue of manners. It’s just ODD and unreasonable to expect her to thank you - when it’s your partner who is bringing his child there. You aren’t doing her a favour so why would you be thanked. It is odd of you to expect it.

You are not being petty, you are being bloody ridiculous!

Why on earth would she be thanking you? It the dads time so he should be paying. Why would she thank you for you subsidising her ex. You are bonkers.

Of course he should thank his parents for taking over their home at the weekends because his financial situation means that he can't house his kids without either his parents or his new girlfriend giving up their homes! It's kind of you to give his parents a weekend off each month so he should be eternally grateful to all of you. He's not doing badly is he, living in a small place where he doesn't have to host anyone, even his own kids!

But to answer your question, absolutely no way on earth should his ex be thanking you for having their kids for the weekend.

OP you say you would thank someone when doing a handover, in which case I wonder if your DP thanks his exW for all the weekdays she provides care when he starts his weekend caregiving?
I also wonder why you would be part of a pick up handover between DP and exW for his DC? I appreciate its taking place at your home, but it's his job to care for DC and so handover, unless you are picking this job up for him (in which case if I was exW I'd be pissed off with DC's dad and in general, in which you may have your reason for the lack of thank you!)

I wonder what it is you’re really feeling this resentful about?

Surely you’re not really expecting gratitude from your DP’s ex? Do you think she should also be thinking his parents for ‘having her child’ the other three quarters of the weekends?

YABVU. The child is the father's responsibility, he should be the one thanking you, and the child should also be taught to say thanks to you for your hospitality if they stay at your house. It's nothing at all to do with the mother.

If the Ex wife chooses to take the DC to stay with family/friends during contact time, does your partner thank them? Probably no, because it would be a weird thing to expect or do

Omg thank you for what?
it’s not about being polite at all. Your perspective on this is way off.

The child’s mother leaves the father responsible and he sorts it. If your ex took DC to a hotel would you go there and thank them? If your ex took your DC to see his parents would you thank them? It would be weird if you did.

Youre not doing the the child a huge favour either. They are with their dad, that’s what matters. No one owes you anything OP except your partner.

Exactly my thoughts. So odd

Yes you’re being petty. You’re not doing her a favour, it’s the child’s weekend with their dad and they happened to spend it at your house.

YABU and very odd!
Why would his ex wife thank you? Is she expected to thank anyone who comes into contact with her children? He pays 50/50 costs so it's not like you're doing it for free either.
That's probably one of the most nuts things I've read on here!
You thank someone when they do something of benefit to you - it's literally nothing to do with her that you've encouraged her ex to bring the kids to stay.
He's the one who should be saying thanks, and from the sounds of it, he does. So no more thanks should be expected.

It's got absolutely nothing to do with being polite.
She has absolutely no reason to be thankful to you. You're not doing HER a favour. It is his contact time with his child. You are doing him a favour. It has absolutely nothing to do with her at all.

Haha this has to be a joke!
Dc stays at dad's (grandparents)thats the normal plan/arrangement its your dp who is arranging to stay with you, Your not doing her a favour infact the dc is only staying so you an your dp can spent the night together, how do you know mum even wants the child to stay at yours she might want the routine of grandparents house for all you know. The only people getting the benefits of you having the dc there are you and your partner as it enables you to spent the nights together.
If you need a thank you tell your dp to thank you!!!!

What your dp does with his child on his time is nothing to do with his ex so no, she has so obligation to thank you, and it's not being rude or impolite of her either.

Equally, she'd have no grounds to complain if she didn't wand dc staying with you as it's dads allotted time

You think you are "more polite" which must be so "odd." You are not polite at all. You are harboring a sense that her failure to thank you somehow elevates you. It's petty and very small-minded. You are looking to start trouble where none exists.

No, I just expect people to be generally polite. I thank people for holding the door open for me, delivery people who come to my house. I don't know them, I don't owe them anything but I still say thank you as its just polite!
Obviously it's very odd to be polite!

No-one thinks it is odd to be polite.
I do all those things as I'm sure most people do. As you say, it's just polite.
But you seem to be struggling to grasp that you aren't doing anything for her .
The dc is with his father for the weekends.

The child's father could take him camping. The Mum wouldn't be expected to phone up the owner of the campsite to thank them.
The child's father could take him to a hotel. The Mum wouldn't be expected to phone up the owner of the hotel to thank them.
The child's father could take him away for the weekend to an old school friend's. The Mum wouldn't be expected to phone up the old school friend and than them.
etc
etc
etc
It is the father who has parental responsibility on that weekend, so if someone offers to host - be it a sleepover, a meal, a playdate, or to take them swimming or to the circus or the chipshop or the park or wherever, it would be the adults with parental responsibility that would thank anyone who does anything nice for the child whilst hey are on their watch.

Your expectations are odd.

Sorry OP, another person agreeing your expectations are odd.

On the DCs mums contact time, if they had a sleepover at the friends house, she would thank the parents. If your DP also text the parents and said "I also want to thank you for having my DC", it would be downright weird. It has nothing to do with him, and isn't an arrangement he was part of.

The parent responsible for having the DC does the thanking if someone has them on their own contact time.

You get thanks for having the DC - FROM YOUR DP. It would be utterly bonkers for his ex to thank you too, for an arrangement she is not part of.

I've been in the exact situation as you OP. My DP had his son at his parents over the weekends in our first year of dating as he had a mortgage with his ex and was saving for a new place.

When he started bringing his son to my house at the weekends after a year or so, it would never have crossed my mind to expect a thank you from the ex.

This is has nothing to do with politeness, there is literally nothing for the ex to thank you for and this is generally what happens when you're in a relationship with someone with a child. You're not babysitting or providing a service, its a very bizarre way of thinking and YABU.

It’s not odd to be polite.

You’re expecting something that is beyond polite though. It’s actually nuts.

You’re not more polite than other people, you just don’t understand the concept properly.

You're not having the child at your house as a favour to her, you are doing your partner a favour. It's him who should be thanking you.

You are not as polite as you think you are OP. You are in fact quite rude.

all this ‘I just expect people to be polite.’ You’re not being polite to her, you don’t deserve a thanks from her for your not being polite to her, you’re not doing her a favour, you’re not going out of your way to help her out. If anything, you’re sharing her child’s dad’s time, instead of the child getting 100% dad time. She didn’t ask you to have her child. You’re doing your partner, her ex, a favour. Not her. It’s his contact time, the child is his responsibility. Do you honestly think your partner texts thank you to a parent for every play date his ex arranges on her contact time? To everyone who minds his child on his ex’s time so she can go out to something? Don’t kid yourself that you’re just polite and -sniff, I guess people don’t do manners anymore SNIFF. Your expectations are not manners, they are out of line.