I don't want to keep going to care home..

[befll]

My grandma is 96, she has always been a very selfish person and was never interested in me as a child but favored my older sister who lived with her for about ten years. I was seen as an inconvenience.
So she became more frail and had help at home but we would go twice every single week for about four years to take her a meal, provide company and clean up. Even cleaning up her shit at one point. Then I had a baby..still expected to go even when we wanted to go on family days out, we couldn't as GM wanted a cooked meal in the middle of the day and not evening.
Now she's been in a care home for 18 months and slowly declining but my sister insists we go every week still, even when the care home has had outbreaks of norovirus and scabies and advises people not to go.
I WFH condensed hours 3 days 8-6, have two young kids, two dogs and DH is a teacher so works long hours and sometimes I don't have the time but am guilt tripped into it. DD works term time 4 hours a day, has late teens kids so no pressures there. I hate going, she doesn't remember if anyone has been and generally spends it complaining or talking nonsense.
AIBU to cut back on these visits? I resent both her and my sister every week and just feel rage towards them. I know it seems heartless but other family members have told me if they were me they wouldn't have done any of it but I am terrible with boundaries.

I would just tell that what’s happening- that you aren’t going to be party to these regular visits any more.

Easier said than done i know, esp when you’ve been the scapegoat over the years.

Hopefully your husband is supportive and can help you put boundaries in place.

Just say no. Why are you allowing your sister to "guilt trip you" at all?

Just don't go. It's as simple as that.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing
I have said to her I don't want to go every week and inevitably I get a phone call at some point (usually last minute when I have worked all day and have the dogs to walk/kids to bath) asking me if I want to go.
It's infuriating .
DH is fed up of it, he has to come home from work straight after school so I can fit in going sometimes and he's SLT so it doesn't go down well.
I'm always made to feel uncaring and unsympathetic if I don't want to go. But I don't want to go.

@VickyEadieofThigh
Because I'm told I'm unsympathetic and that could be me one day, or alternatively what if something happens to her this week and we haven't gone.

And? What if?

Response: "No, I don't want to. Must go, bye."

Just say you are not going this week.
Then next week say the same thing.

She probably wouldn't remember anyway.

Just don’t go. Or go fortnightly/monthly, whatever suits you

But YABU for saying “. DD works term time 4 hours a day, has late teens kids so no pressures there. “

@VickyEadieofThigh
I did say this last night, DH had late Dr appointment, DC had not been fed. 5 min phone call on her trying to talk me into it, and then ended up going today in the afternoon as soon as DH home and Gm just talked gibberish

Say no. Turn off your phone. Grab dog and kids and DH if he wants and go out.
You matter too you know.

Unless you start saying no nothing is going to change.

I wouldn't have done this for my own mother....it wouldnt have been humanly possible to fit it all in with small children or even older teens.
My mother died recently at 83, after a year of cancer and she would never have expected that level of input even when we were supporting her in her illness.
Your grandmother has had years of your support. You have not let her down.
Your sister clearly has her own issues and her own self martyrdom to unravel but you are not responsible for this, nor to feel guilty at missing every step of your grandmother's decline.
Your children need you most and they need you and your DH to stay sane and well, not exhausted and overwhelmed.

Indeed. Just say no. Don't go. It's entirely in your hands.

I was like that with visiting my Nanan who died 3 weeks ago. It was a 2 hour drive each way - 3 if we were unlucky with parts of the M1 closed due to RTAs.

Got there, it was difficult to find subjects to talk about plus she had dementia too made things stressful than they actually looked. The last time I saw here in mid Nov, she spent 95% of the time sleeping.

Didn't go as much as I liked - work, colds, bad weather (snow), restrictions to visitors (unless they are moving in and emergencies) due to covid, sickness bugs.

My Nanan moved into the care home during a restricted time as 15% of the residents had covid. So had to put disposable mask (I found these are the worst ones for me due to asthma), apron, gloves and some other PPI.

It's uncomfortable setting a boundary. It's uncomfortable saying no. No one is going to tell you how wonderful you are to say no. But that's the test. Deal with the uncomfortable feelings and value your own judgement not expect others to validate or give you permission.

Just. Say. No.

Even if your gran was wonderful kind amazing and deserved 100 percent you can still say No, I can't do this. You don't have to justify yourself or diss your gran. It is what is or is not possible. We are t infinitely stretchy vessels of human compassion and availability

Just say no. She sounds like a horrible person anyway, don't forget that when you are being guilt tripped.

Op - this is about your sister trying to make a point about sharing the load because she doesn't really want to go either and doesn't see why she should do what she sees as an obligation alone. Except it's not an obligation. Your grandma doesn't care or even register if you go. So don't!

I think the issue is more why you are soooo scared of upsetting your sister?? 🤨 You sound petrified of her.

Is your sister relying on you for transport? If not, she can go on her own if she feels it is important.
If she is, then you get to call the shots. Just is a week to start with, then two and stretch it until you are comfortable.

@MallorcaNights
Lol take it from me she has zero pressures

I visit my parent every week. I go because I want to.

Other members of my family have said they don't want to go every week, its up to them.
I've always said they should do what they want, nobody is forcing them to visit as I'd rather people who genuinely wanted to go visited.

I will say, it can be easier with two visiting because you can bounce off each other if its not a good day for the person you are visiting. In that case I stay for a shorter time, I'd rather have a great half hour than a crappy longer visit.

I hope you’ll remember you said that when you have teens !!