I don't want to keep going to care home..

[befll]

My grandma is 96, she has always been a very selfish person and was never interested in me as a child but favored my older sister who lived with her for about ten years. I was seen as an inconvenience.
So she became more frail and had help at home but we would go twice every single week for about four years to take her a meal, provide company and clean up. Even cleaning up her shit at one point. Then I had a baby..still expected to go even when we wanted to go on family days out, we couldn't as GM wanted a cooked meal in the middle of the day and not evening.
Now she's been in a care home for 18 months and slowly declining but my sister insists we go every week still, even when the care home has had outbreaks of norovirus and scabies and advises people not to go.
I WFH condensed hours 3 days 8-6, have two young kids, two dogs and DH is a teacher so works long hours and sometimes I don't have the time but am guilt tripped into it. DD works term time 4 hours a day, has late teens kids so no pressures there. I hate going, she doesn't remember if anyone has been and generally spends it complaining or talking nonsense.
AIBU to cut back on these visits? I resent both her and my sister every week and just feel rage towards them. I know it seems heartless but other family members have told me if they were me they wouldn't have done any of it but I am terrible with boundaries.

@HouseInTheMiddle
My dad goes at least four times a week, my mum twice. She could easily go with them but chooses to harass me about it.

Exactly. Don't expect randoms to join you in berating your gran. Do whatever you like and own it.

Just don't go then, if that's your choice, you are a fully grown adult so make your own decisions.
Everyone is giving you broadly the same advice but you are choosing to say you are feeling guilted into it.....things won't change until you make a change so let your sister know you won't be going again and end the conversation.

@Nettleskeins
Yeah I've had to walk out on my kid crying to fit in a visit and leave her with DH who has a pile of marking and prep to do that evening. It is absolutely martyrdom, she feels she has to go every week so that's what we have to do. GM did a lot for her, lent her money etc, but barely saw me except for when she absolutely had to.
My other grandparents have even told me stories of my birthday parties where they bought my sister a present so she didn't feel bad and pretty much ignored me.

Oh, I was going to ask if your sister is asking to go with your, or pressuring you to go on your own. Is there any reason she can't go on her own, taking turns? Then you can visit every other week. You don't say how far away it is or how long you stay. I would cut back visits.

When my MIL was fading, I was a Sunday morning visitor for about an hour. The family took turns so she had someone just about every day, but visits were fairly short, since as you say, there's not a lot to talk about, especially if they have dementia.

If you don't go this week and your GM dies, nothing will happen.

Stop letting your sister dictate to you. Stop answering her calls until after the day of the visit, once you've told her you're not going.

Visiting relatives is care homes is emotionally and physically tiring. My DF is in a care home over 100 miles away. When I do visit maybe once a month ge will either be nasty to me or ignore me. Everytime I question why im actually doing this? I now go as and when I'm comfortable and have the time but never expect too much. I cant discuss anything I'm doing or have done as he gets nasty about that too! Your sister doesn't want to go alone and I get why, but there's no law that says she has to go so often either, I'd cut down the visits or go on separate days giving you both more time to yourself and your GM still has visits

@mdinbcat
At one point she was in a unit about 45 mins drive away so we had to go there every weekend for about three months. So about 3 hours, depending on traffic.

No, you did not have to walk out on your kid crying.

No I wouldn't go regularly. You need to say no to your sister.

@Geebray
Yeah this is the crux of my resentment towards it. I feel I have to else I'm told what if she dies, she's there alone and she's unhappy etc.

Just say no! Stop answering your phone to your sister when you are busy. You’re bringing this on yourself. Stop letting these awful people control your life.
What the worst that could happen? Your sister stops speaking to you? 🤷🏻‍♀️ sounds like a win to me.

Well, if she dies you will have seen her recently. I don't understand your point. You don't have to stop entirely.

You can say
I've given you my answer and it's not up for discussion. Is there anything else?

You obviously don’t like her very much so I can’t see why you would go.

I don't know what to vote, as you are being completely ridiculous sacrificing your family to do this.

I'm sure there are reasons why you are so eaily manipulated, but if I was your family I would have lost patience with you a long time ago.

Just stop being such s martyr now, your husband and child are far more important than your sisters selfish opinion.

Don't say you don't want to go. Just don't go.

If they contact you just tell them the reason. 'Baby wasn't settling and DH has too much work to do. Give grandma my love.

"I'm always made to feel uncaring and unsympathetic if I don't want to go. But I don't want to go."
Actually, your sister is not doing this to you, you are doing it to yourself. You cannot control your sisters actions, but you CAN control your reactions to her.
She will call, so have a script written down that you say when that call comes in, "no, I've decided I am not going to visit GM today.". Repeat that as often as you need to during the call. Don't explain or justify your decision because if you do, your sister will find a chink in your armour and stuck you back in. Keep the call short, tell her you have to go and put the phone down.

And think carefully about the role model you are to your children. Do you want them to be unable to say no when they are older?

Also, why would you even consider leaving your child crying just to please your sister??? That is wickedly cruel to your child who needs you!! Think about it OP!

I struggled visiting my mum for 2 years, and my dad, for 4 years, in a care home.

It's never easy, but sometimes we just have to get on with it.

Does your sister not drive?

So, what if your sister suddenly decides you should go every single day because "what if she dies and is lonely"? would you just put up with that?- after all, apparently your sister's word is gospel and more important than your own family right?

Stop with this utter madness- you do not have to go every week and certainly not if it's putting too much strain on your family life. Grow a pair and tell her NO

Fuck that! YOU LEFT YOUR CHILD CRYING to go to a woman who gets more visits each week than most people's parents. !! Your priorities are totally screwed.

This. I think it's awful you are putting this horrible woman above your own kids.

You’ve given several examples of how you had to do this or that. You chose to do it, and although you were pressured it was a choice all the same.

There is no point waiting for more phone calls from your sister and meekly objecting. You need to ring your sister and tell her to stop pressuring you to visit.It can be done in a non confrontational way and I’m sure the posters here will be able to help you do that.

I'm very curious why you feel you can't say no to your sister? That, for me, is the biggest issue here.
Stop answering the phone if you can't tell her no.
It sounds like your GM is not short of visitors so for the life of me I can't understand why you are letting your sister control you like this? Yes it's hard to say no to family, but I think you need to say you'll be visiting GM once a month, when it suits you.