I don't want to keep going to care home..

[befll]

My grandma is 96, she has always been a very selfish person and was never interested in me as a child but favored my older sister who lived with her for about ten years. I was seen as an inconvenience.
So she became more frail and had help at home but we would go twice every single week for about four years to take her a meal, provide company and clean up. Even cleaning up her shit at one point. Then I had a baby..still expected to go even when we wanted to go on family days out, we couldn't as GM wanted a cooked meal in the middle of the day and not evening.
Now she's been in a care home for 18 months and slowly declining but my sister insists we go every week still, even when the care home has had outbreaks of norovirus and scabies and advises people not to go.
I WFH condensed hours 3 days 8-6, have two young kids, two dogs and DH is a teacher so works long hours and sometimes I don't have the time but am guilt tripped into it. DD works term time 4 hours a day, has late teens kids so no pressures there. I hate going, she doesn't remember if anyone has been and generally spends it complaining or talking nonsense.
AIBU to cut back on these visits? I resent both her and my sister every week and just feel rage towards them. I know it seems heartless but other family members have told me if they were me they wouldn't have done any of it but I am terrible with boundaries.

I was in this exact position a few years ago. My dad had been ill with a neurological condition for many years and was hospitalised many times. Toward the end, he was hospitalised for over a year with various problems closely followed by dementia. My mother expected a member of the family to go with her/drive her to visit, drop her home. every. single. fucking. day.
‘Members of the family’ were either me or my brother. I adored my dad and would have happily visited regularly, but had to actually lie and make excuses to actually get 'time off'. I have not forgiven her for the mental stress this put me under. Her inability to ignore or to perceive another person’s emotions and feelings, knew no bounds.
There is no way I will ever put my own children in this position. Guilt tripping family, who are adequately supportive to start with, just creates empathy fatigue - the very last situation you want to be in for someone you love dearly. I'm actually struggling a few years later to ever forgive her. And no, I will not be present on a daily basis for her if she ever gets to this point. Ignorant expectations are a total compassion number, and I’m done with it. It’s so bloody hard.

Do you go together?
You could alternate weeks with your sister, tell her you are exhausted and feel
As if you may have a breakdown.
Or
Just say NO.

Your sister's right. It could be you one day.

Good job you are nice to your family and kids and no doubt your grandkids too, because that will mean you don't end up alone, you will have people that love and care for you.

Grandma treated you like an inconvenience so it's no wonder you now see her as one.

Harsh but true. She made her bed. Stop going.

Tell sister to fúck off too. You're not short of people who respect you, and you don't need her any more than you need grandma if she is going to treat you like this.

Sorry, but her fault.
That's what happens to people that don't show love to their own family. They die lonely.

A. Tell her you are not going every week. (‘I don't want’ is her road in to guilt trip)
B. Don’t answer the bloody phone when she rings, esp in the evening when you are busy. She can leave a message, you can call/text back when ready. A few days later, perhaps.
C. Prioritise your DH, DC and dogs - maybe even yourself - above your sister. It is SHE who is making demands not your GM.
D. Decide a schedule of visits (fortnightly on a night that suits you/dh/etc) and stick to it. Your DS can join or do her own thing.

On the first tactic, I think I would answer that if it is you one day in the same state you really wouldn't care because, like your grandmother, you would have forgotten who had visited within a very short space of time. One the second one, does it really make a difference if you see her two or three weeks before "something happens" rather than one week?

Why are you allowing your sister to dictate to you when you go and visit your grandmother? You're a grown woman who can presumably make your own decisions? Tell your sister that you don't need her to call you and ask when you're going, you'll go as and when you want to.

How do you know that you were seen as an inconvenience and that she favoured your older sister?

Stop answering the phone.

Based on what youve said its your sister who is being unreasonable.

I will acknowledge that my own sister gave me grief for years as I was by my nan's bedside as she passed away, while my sister was uncontactable on a bender .. I acknowledge in part in fear of losing our nan.

But here it sounds like your sister is the one with the guilt complex, and that she's having the cheek to project it all on to you!

Are there any other areas of your life where you are expected to be a matyr to your sister or other family members.

My own sister is now a CoDA member, but if she wasn't I'd be in therapy!

Tell your sister to calm down - you’ve got enough on. Why does she want to control you? Has she always had a hold over you? Can you arrange to see her separately if she wants to see you (is your sister lonely?)

Guilt trips are not a great long term motivator. It’s not going to get better unless you put a stop To it. Try a gentle and smiling “not this time - thanks though”.

if you don’t say no and mean it nothing will change. I wouldn’t be guilt tripped into it; there’s plenty of visitors going and you’ve got a busy life. Say you are reducing to once a month and do not give it ever to her demands

Grow a backbone and say no. End of.

Prioritise yourself, your kids and your DH. No one will thank you in the long run if you don’t. Just message your sister saying you’re busy then don’t pick up the phone when she calls.

You have a sister problem rather than a gran problem. She's treating you like a child. Have it out with her because once this is over there will be something else. Assert yourself.

Ah yes- but if can't be bothered, maybe turn it down?

Since when did your sister think she's the boss of you?

Tell her you're not going any more and that it's not up for discussion. And if she doesn't like it, tough.

The only language people like your sister understand is the full-on no-nonsense NO. And if she starts on you again, tell her loud and clear I AM NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU and end the call.

She's projecting her shit onto you and you do not have to put up with it.

Assert your boundaries and stick to them.

Don’t go. Saying it is the easy bit. You’re only worried about it cos she’s nasty and guilt is harder to manage than
being reasonable.

Your sis ought to be ashamed of herself. Call her out.

Stop this nonsense, and prioritise your immediate family. Your grandmother has enough of your existing extended family to dance attendance on her. So what if your sister is unhappy? You, DH and DC are unhappy, and you actually love them. Stop worrying about what people think, and stop visiting for the just because your being guilted. You've done more than you ever wanted to for years.

You need to sit down with your sister and tell her you will not be emotionally blackmailed into doing something you do not want to do. If you wish, agree to a once a month visit- plan these dates in advance - and that you will not discuss it further.

I wouldn’t be going every week. Not when you’ve got so much going on and she never really cares for you anyway!

I’d tell your sister that you will go once a month (or whatever suits you). That way you’ll have some respite from it taking up too much time but will still be seeing her regularly. She has your mum and dad and sister visiting and possibly other family members too. Once a month is enough!

You know what I learned working in the elderly care sector? The residents or clients who don't get visitors usually don't get them for a reason. Did you know that nasty adults don't magically become sweet little Snow White just because they're old. Evil deeds don't come undone. Neglectful dads don't receive the father of the year award backdated. Yes some may become nice people. They might be lovely to their carers but it does not undo what they have done in the past.
Often, arseholes become old arseholes and those who do change aren't entitled to forgiveness and redemption. I will never understand sneery carers who are disgusted that families never visit sweet old Meemaw. The same Meemaw who used to beat her kids.
Carers are paid to be attentive, kind, nice and caring. Even if working with murders and pedophiles. Families don't have to.

OP, don't feel bad cutting back. Have a list of excuses at the ready. The car is in for its MOT. Little Georgie has a dental appointment. Missy has a school event. Little Sheldon has a presentation to do. Anything. Just pull back and have excuses if you need them. (Or be honest and open, that's your choice)

Why does your sister insist you go together? Does she need you to drive. Explain that she should go when it suits her and you will go when it suits you. Your sister is very demanding.