I don't want to keep going to care home..

[befll]

My grandma is 96, she has always been a very selfish person and was never interested in me as a child but favored my older sister who lived with her for about ten years. I was seen as an inconvenience.
So she became more frail and had help at home but we would go twice every single week for about four years to take her a meal, provide company and clean up. Even cleaning up her shit at one point. Then I had a baby..still expected to go even when we wanted to go on family days out, we couldn't as GM wanted a cooked meal in the middle of the day and not evening.
Now she's been in a care home for 18 months and slowly declining but my sister insists we go every week still, even when the care home has had outbreaks of norovirus and scabies and advises people not to go.
I WFH condensed hours 3 days 8-6, have two young kids, two dogs and DH is a teacher so works long hours and sometimes I don't have the time but am guilt tripped into it. DD works term time 4 hours a day, has late teens kids so no pressures there. I hate going, she doesn't remember if anyone has been and generally spends it complaining or talking nonsense.
AIBU to cut back on these visits? I resent both her and my sister every week and just feel rage towards them. I know it seems heartless but other family members have told me if they were me they wouldn't have done any of it but I am terrible with boundaries.

This is an extreme level of people pleasing, but for some reason you have no problem letting your kids and husband down in favour of two people you don’t even really like and who has zero respect for you. You really need to re-prioritise here, you definitely have options to act differently.

just ignore it. Maybe you could get some therapy to strengthen yourself up a bit??

If you don’t feel able to stand up to your sister. Just agree to go then 30 minutes or 1 hour before text her and say sorry somethings come up and I can’t make it now. Then switch your phone off. Keep doing this until she gives up because she thinks your flakey and only go when it suits you

Don't answer the phone when she calls if that's all she ever contacts you about. And if you do speak just end the call if she starts trying to bulky or guilt trip you. Just text after she tries to call and say sorry I was too busy for a chat, and I won't be visiting GM going forward. I know she has plenty of visitors and doesn't miss out by me not going, so my time is better spent at home supporting my kids and husband. You could say that in a few weeks you may consider going for a visit, but you'll let her know if and when you have a suitable time if you want, but don't let it be more than once a month.

Dear Sis

I have made the decision to reduce the granny visits. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to juggle the demands of fitting this into my very busy week. I need to prioritise my kids and DH. Please can you stop asking me to visit every week. I will visit her in my own time when it fits in suitably with my other commitments. This is not up for discussion.
Regards
Sister

YABU for being so spineless and not prioritising your own family needs. Sounds like there is no benefit to you going.

Just say NO
Then say I can't possibly go .I'm too busy ..going out...got people coming round..
And don't listen to her...Just keep saying NO
You're enabling your sister by listening to her whining

You are being spineless and a martyr. You have a choice. Just don’t go. Say no. You don’t even like the woman!

This.
Put yourself and not your sister in charge of how you deal with this and you will feel a lot less resentful.

Your sister sounds over the top in how she is ratching up the anxiety and guilt of this situation. Does she need some professional help to deal with it?

Your GM is cared for and has plenty of family visits.
Why not trying this. Decide when and for how long you want to visit
Tell or text your sister that your next visit will be on x day
Then let the phone go to answerphone unless it's a real emergency.
Communicate by text as much as possible.
Just say...No. I've told you I will be visiting on x day, to any or all silly comments, it's not up for discussion.
Make your own life/ health, DC, and DH your priority.

When you get the guilt trip comments, my DS picked up a great phrase from school "So you say." it answers almost everything

Why are you letting your sister boss you around? I have a DSis who loves to have her own way, tell the rest of us what to do but we ignore her. After about 60

years she's got the nessage 😀
My DM is in a care home and I generally visit once a week sometimes twice if I feel like it but one brother only goes once or twice a month. It's up to him and I wouldn't dream about saying anything.
Just resolve to yourself you'll go when it suits you and nobody else.

Your grandmother is having visits, it is not as if there would be none if you did not go.

Reduce visits, perhaps say Easter, anyone's birthday, that kind of thing.

Say no and hold the phone in tne air so you don't have to listen to her.

Say hmmn a lot and just say that it's just not possible without being definite. With a family and a dog you actually have to make time to do anything.

If she calls at a regular time mute or block her. Let DH take the call. Focus on the whiney naggy voice coming out of the earpiece.

To paraphrase Erica Jong: feel the guilt but don't do it anyway. It gets easier. Promise.

(Edited for sausage fingers)

put yourself and your family first. Reduce your visits. Start with once a fortnight then once a month if that will help. Or just go when you feel like it as I would, I’d see some pretty flowers or something buy them for grandmother and then pop over.

Why does your sister think she needs you to go with her? She needs to be visiting alone whenever she also thinks is best, if she and grandmother were always very close maybe for her every couple of days.

Your sister does not get to tell you what to do. You stop answering the phone to her and if she starts you explain you are not free and your family need to come first.

Just say " she was closer to you than she was to me , so if you wanna go every week, just crack on. I'll go when I want to"
Don't be a pushover

Whatever is going to happen will happen, as long as your conscience is clear about what you do or don’t do, then that’s what matters

did you get anything from grandma other than emotional abuse? Money? Land? Even if she gifted it to your parents and you received it? That would colour my response.

Your right to say no. Your conscience, Your inheritance gone. Up to you.

I understand your sense of obligation but I feel that you need to put your own family first. This woman was actively cruel to you when you were younger, so you have no payback to give.

I'd cut down on the visits, and make them convenient for you, in your life.

Have you realised that your putting your sister before your family?

I am also in teaching, our life is chaotic at times. I am also SLT. I earn a good wage because of this and we live a financially comfortable lifestyle. I absolutely couldn’t provide this lifestyle if I didn’t have a supportive amazing husband.

I feel you are pushing your husband away and you’re not acting like a team. You need to value your marriage before he gets fed up of you choosing to walk out on a crying child.

Have you told your sister how you feel about how your Grandmother treated you?

Its reasonable to pick your own date and time to visit and not to accept your sister pressuring you into going at inconvenient times.

It’s a bit odd that your sister wants to go with you if family dynamics are exactly as you describe. Is it possible that your sister thinks you are the favourite even if she spent more time with her? Maybe your gran spoke about wanting to reconnect with you before she became so ill and that is why sister is so keen for you to go along. Or maybe she is genuinely worried that down the line you will regret not seeing your gran when your children are older and you have less living relatives to tie you to your past.

Its worth considering all this before burning your bridges.

you don’t have to do it at all. You are choosing to. Choose to say no instead. Your sister seems generally pissed off and annoying anyway so it’ll make no difference there

My family are in a loosely similar position, I have made peace with the fact my grandparent is very elderly and very ill, but has lived a long and fruitful life. You going isn't keeping her alive, rid yourself of the guilt its so very freeing.

Next time your sister calls, do one of two things, either don't answer, or when she asks, simply say 'no' nothing more nothing less.

Just say “no”. You are not obligated to visit someone you don’t even like. You have a family of your own at home who need you more right now.
People can only guilt trip you if you let them. I’d also question why DSIS feels the need to drag you along. Who is that really for? Your GM who doesn’t have full capacity anymore and you were never close with anyway, or her? Maybe she feels GM acts as a tie between you that she is worried she’ll lose when she passes. But this isn’t the way to maintain your relationship. It’s actually pretty toxic to only be connected by this misplaced sense of obligation.

I'd imagine that the Grandmother's will has been finalised and can't be easily changed now that she has dementia.

All this will accomplish is making you feel bitter and resentful. You have every right to pull back and enjoy your family. And definitely not be there when there are outbreaks of who knows what. Sounds like your grandmother made her choice to not be such a nice person. Now you can make a choice to prioritize your own family and yourself. You have done enough.