To feel like I've let my kids down..

[sunkmybattleship]

My house feels so cramped. It's probably worth around £200k ish, it just has a tiny entrance hall which won't even be 6x6ft, a small living room with stairs for upstairs in it, small kitchen and conservatory. Upstairs tiny bathroom and 3 rooms, my daughter's barely having room for a dinky bed and wardrobe. Useless garden.

My friend has moved into her old family home which is bought and paid for.. it's huge. So much room for the kids, acres of land. My daughter loved having all the toys there was that we just don't have room for. We have no room for toys really, or any space.

We can't afford anything better, we both work full time as it is. I just feel like I've let them down for only being able to afford such a small house.

Hmm… your house is bigger than mine. Grass is always greener on the other side. Be grateful, it could be worse.

I live in a flat with my DD. It is a large maisonette with more than enough space for us but I still feel guilty that it isn’t a house.
My DD has never made a comment about us having a flat and not a house, I just don’t think she notices. There are loads of kids in our street (which is all lower flats and upper maisonettes). I agree with others, feeling loved and secure is much more important.

We have a huge old bungalow, live very rural. Was in my friend’s house the other day and was thinking how much I hate the huge amount of cleaning here (her house sounds like yours and while it is full it’s very very clean(!) how messy ours can be, our kitchen floor takes forever to clean, then the fact that we can’t walk anywhere, that the kids can’t just go to a park like my friends’ can etc etc. but it’s our home and we’re so lucky to own, we got this by chance and it was vin an awful state and we wouldn’t have afforded anything else. I’m sorry to say this but work with what you have and try to enjoy!

We had a lovely big 4 bed semi and stupidly got too deep in debt. We moved to a terrace with no hall and two rooms on each floor in a state , had to gut it while we loved in it . 2 older teens still at home loved it . Family loved it ....I was ashamed at first but I did love that house 🏠 and miss it now we've moved areas .
My point is we were no happier in the big house and neither was anyone else . Let people judge but find your happiness by making your space as nice as you can .

Your house sounds the same as mine, average!

The size of your house is a fairly insignificant part of your life, unless you're so overcrowded you suffer discomfort or loss of privacy. Most of us spend the best part of our lives somewhere else, school, work, hobbies, parks, woods, towns, and when we are at home we can only sit in one room at a time, so why do we need surrounding by extra ones? You have all you need to give your children the basics - a safe, comfortable and adequate home. What you do from that foundation to enhance their childhood is entirely up to you, and nothing to do with the size of your house.

I had my own bedroom etc but my house was so miserable I spent more of it round my friends 2 bed flat. My bigger house was also filthy compared to my friends lovely clean and cosy flat
Even a box room can be adapted for study etc- ikea do a good fold down desk. It’s honestly not a big deal to kids.

It's understandable and normal to worry that you're not giving your kids enough, and to play the comparison game, but don't let those feelings fool you into thinking there's any truth there.

I grew up in a very scruffy house. It was being gradually worked on for pretty much my entire childhood, because it was in an awful state when my parents bought it. It didn't have carpets or proper flooring, nor wallpaper or paint on the walls, for a big chunk of my childhood. The garden was largely concrete, in a sort of small square shape. We didn't have a car and walked or bussed everywhere. Holidays were UK based and traveled to and from by train, often with many connections and lots of walking. Accommodation was small self catering flats or Travel Lodge type places.

In contrast, I had a friend who lived in a very affluent area nearby, with a large house, big garden, two big family cars, frequent holidays abroad including skiing, all the expensive residential school trips, kitchen and fridge full to bursting, etc.

I can honestly tell you that I was the happier of us. My childhood felt so full of freedom, imagination and love. I look back on it with such fondness and nostalgia. When I went to friends' houses and played with their endless toys in big bedrooms and gardens, yes, it was fun. It was the fun of going somewhere different and joining in with their lifestyle for a bit - that's all. My friend with the big house and garden had a pretty mixed childhood: both her parents drank copiously and were usually passed out from multiple bottles of wine by the early evening. She was definitely happy in some ways.

But my point is, our childhoods were not defined by the size of the house we grew up in, nor the cars, nor the holidays. It was how home-life was. How free we felt to play and be creative. How loved and secure we felt. I genuinely believe I had the better childhood despite having the "worse" house, no car, no holidays abroad, charity shop toys, etc. So please try and focus on these things, instead of worrying about house and garden sizes. You really can still give your kids a magical childhood.

I think adults notice these things far, far more than kids. I lived in a big detached family home growing up, and my best friend lived in a very modest 2 bed + box room terraced house, but until I was an adult thinking back, the difference never even occurred to me. That was just their house, and I spent half of my childhood there having a blast.
Happy childhoods are not made in large spacious bedrooms and grand hallways, they are made in families and with friends. It's hard not to project your own feelings about house sizes and values onto your kids, but their lens is completely different.

I think adults notice these things far, far more than kids.

And I think kids notice different things. I've had conversations with old childhood friends where I've told them how much I coveted or envied something and they turn around and tell me something about my home or family life that they wished they'd had. Kids are always comparing, I guess it's part of finding their place in the world and what their values are.

I saw a run down home with a Dad who drank too much - my friends saw lots of free space (we lived on an old farm) and a fun Dad.

You have absolutely not let your children down!
You provide them with a loving home, roof over their heads, heating, food on the table and bed to sleep in, that’s not letting your children down.
I also have similar worries about our house being cramped and looked at bigger properties we could move to, my DD14 didn’t like any of them as she loves our ‘little’ house, my DS16 loves the location and my DS6 never wants to move… so to me that says it all. It’s not about the size of the house it’s the love inside it x

I have a 2 bed flat. All I want for my DS is a garden, we can’t afford to move and can’t afford anywhere else due to COL.

comparison is the thief of joy.
OP please stop comparing yourself to others!

Also, having lived abroad a lot of my adult life, I realised how much having a posh home/big home is a big deal to us Brits. When I lived in Brazil, Europe and S. E. Asia, lots of us expats and reisdents who were seen as wealthy lived in high rise apartments, as this is seen as efficient and modern.

My friends and colleagues in these countries did not care about having a big house; they wated just enough to live in and be comfortable.

It made me realise just how much we base how successful we seem to be upon our houses in the UK. A house is a status symbol as well as a lived experience. But is bigger always better?

I purposefully bought a small, cute little house. I love it.
When I look at big houses I just think of all the house work and heating bills. Also big houses mean everyone can be separate and in different rooms; very isolating!

Kids remember laughs, happiness, fun family days out, etc. Hugs make them happy...Not the square foot of a house!

Kids always love playing with their friends' toys, regardless of how many they have at home. It's novelty value!

The best toys are versatile ones. Our most surprising best buy was soft jigsaw floor mats to make a road layout. Yes it started for cars. Stacks away nicely. Then DS2 started using the jigsaw pieces to make walls/blocks/cars/a robot.... they've been the best building block thing we've ever bought and they were supposed to just be a floor mat!

Second surprising best buy was a tunnel that can be packed away very small. ALL children love it. We took it to the park to be part of an obstacle course for parties (we were in a flat with no garden). It got used for YEARS. then when my 2 were finally too big I passed it onto a colleague who also lives in a tiny flat. Her toddler DD was ecstatic.

Children don't need loads of toys. They need some toys that can be used for different things.

I totally understand. My house is end terrace 3bed worth about 200k. We have an ok garden considering the size of the house but the actual house compared with my friends houses just feels so small and shabby. I have friends with stunning 5 bed houses with extensions and gyms in. It is so hard not to compare and not to feel quite sad! I know people have far less and we should be grateful for what we do have but it is hard when you have friends with so much more. It makes you feel like a failure. One of my friends is also accidentally snobby about it, she doesn't mean to but her first comment when she came to visit was "awww your little house!" 🤔.

You live within your means you provide a stable home for your children. Some people can't even afford the basics ATM. Whole family's living in one room that's cramped.

Totally missing the bigger point...

Our tiny garden (concrete yard) is flat. I dream of grass and slopes. Can you dig in a slide? Make a water course that they can sail small boats down? Rig up a rope climbing-frame.

Sloped gardens have so much potential. Maybe google some ideas.

I also thought I lived in a big house growing up, even though I shared a bedroom with a sibling! Turns out it was pretty small 😂. I had a great childhood.

I agree with all of this.
Also, while this isn’t the point of the thread, for me as a child, I began to wonder why my parents had so many kids that they couldn’t really afford

I grew up in a small house with a box bedroom that didn't fit much more than a single bed in. In no way did that make me feel let down by my parents, I might have had a bit of a moan as a teenager but it really wasn't a big issue.
Don't compare yourself to others, it will only make you miserable.

Well, if it assuages your pity, party, I live in a tiny 2 bed council with my daughters and they'll probably resent such a small space as they get older.
BUT, I bloody love and appreciate our little Hobbit Home. My dream home would be a cottage in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by animals, but that ain't gonna happen!
I like friends' larger homes and seeing how they live, but I don't feel hard done by or experience jealousy (although, I love my mate's pimped out Catio, so a bit of envy there!).
Do you actually like this friend, as you seemed unable to throw in about her not having to go out to work etc etc.

That size sounds like a lot of Cornish cottages. We live in one and it is our forever home, the small floor space makes if easier to furnish and tidy.

We’ve extended ours a bit, but both of us grew up in the standard 3 bed semi and our DBs both had the tiny third bedroom. We all did fine! Almost all our mates had homes like that - a few lived in bigger four bedroom homes. No evidence that they were happier than us.

OP, what will harm your DC is a miserable mum upset with her home. Focus on what you’ve got. My DSs have both got mates with much bigger family homes, but have rarely commented on it and I’ve tended to say ‘that’s nice’ and not let it bother me.

I feel so sad for you reading this. Not because you think your house is small etc. Because you feel you've let your children down. You have given them a home, love, food on the table. Thousands of children dream of this. Please don't ever feel this way. There will always be someone doing better, richer, better looking etc. It does not mean they or their children are happy. I lived in a fairly large house, nice holidays growing up. I never felt loved. I have a very estranged relationship with my family now. Your children are incredibly lucky that you care. I promise you