To feel like I've let my kids down..

[sunkmybattleship]

My house feels so cramped. It's probably worth around £200k ish, it just has a tiny entrance hall which won't even be 6x6ft, a small living room with stairs for upstairs in it, small kitchen and conservatory. Upstairs tiny bathroom and 3 rooms, my daughter's barely having room for a dinky bed and wardrobe. Useless garden.

My friend has moved into her old family home which is bought and paid for.. it's huge. So much room for the kids, acres of land. My daughter loved having all the toys there was that we just don't have room for. We have no room for toys really, or any space.

We can't afford anything better, we both work full time as it is. I just feel like I've let them down for only being able to afford such a small house.

It’s not the house you live in but the home you build.
It is likely your children don’t view your house the same way as you do so be careful not to pass on your distaste of it to them. If they hear you say negative things about the house the will also view it negatively.

Close friends of ours bought a house a few years ago, it was large and needed a lot of work but it had gardens on all sides, a massive terrace with a stunning view, a tennis court, a huge lawn like a soccer pitch etc. They had 2 garages one which is a games room, and a second formal dining room and sitting room which have a sliding wall to make a huge open plan area. It is the coolest house ever and I was very jealous for a while but its in the middle of nowhere. We live in a big housing estate and my kids always have friends calling, its very relaxed, kids come and go and some days i don't see mine for hours, some days there are 7 kids in my house. The two worlds are so different. Only recently my DD said she feels a bit sorry for my friends DD because she has all this stuff and only her brother to play with. On balance I think my kids are luckier.

@Chocolateismylovelife did you mean to quote me? I don't have a negative view of my house or the one I grew up in 🤔

No way have you let them down. Comparison is the thief of joy. You most likely make up for lack of space with cultural capital, this doesn't have to cost... they'll enjoy playing at friend's house but it's not home.... just make the most of free/ cheap activities in your area and ignore winges for tacky toys... you doing fine x

Why not set yourself a garden makeover for the summer?
how old are your children?
loads of people give away climbing frames, trampolines, swing sets ect. Buy some chalk paint and paint a square on the fence buy some big chalk, loads of easy ideas like this on Pinterest. Buy a couple of bags of compost and some seeds, grow some veggies my kids love doing stuff like this encourages them to be outside.

I guess I might as well put my DC up for adoption as I don't, and likely never will, own a house.

Too many children in the country have no home and empty tummy's. Your children have their own bed, food and love. They are very very lucky.

i totally get how you are feeling. I also have a small house and ds (11) has occasionally mentioned it. But we have more sleepovers than his friends in big houses and I think he appreciates that even more. Even if you set them up to camp out in the lounge of bedrooms are too small. I also tell him friends are always welcome and get some inexpensive snacks in that he knows they can help themselves to. I grew up in a big house but very rural so I could never just casually have friends round or have friends call for me or meet them at the shops. I also remember driving past high rise flats with little balconies with flowers on and thinking how lovely it’d be to live there amongst other people in a little flat. I also felt a bit sorry for friends who had an adults lounge and a children’s tv room as it felt like the children didn’t get to spend time in the special room with their parents.

What is important to children is very different to what is important to adults.

I grew up in a small 3 bed semi until I was 14 but one of my friends had the “second largest house” in the expensive area of town. The grandparents owned the “most expensive house”. They had an outdoor swimming pool, jacuzzi room and an “extra” garden with a croquet lawn. Miserable home though. The dad was rarely home and he beat up his wife. She left when my friend was 12 and she didn’t see her dad after that. They moved to a tiny home and her mum became a yoga teacher. Also, think of all the cleaning!

It’s all relative - at least your children have a secure home that you can make all the improvements to that you want.
so many children don’t have that.
yes, of course it would always be nicer to have a better/ larger/ nicer/ better location home (we do have a lovely big house and my DC still comment on how his friend has an even larger house (marginally), and how ours is too small - never comments on those friends who live as a family of four in a 2 bed flat though, or those that live in a pretty standard 3 bed semi…)

I grew up in a 2 bedroom council flat with mum and dad and brother until I was 12.

I have nothing but happy memories.

I feel like this too. I can't afford to house them adequately. I am such a failure. ☹️

You're not letting them down, just because they enjoy something doesn't mean they need to have it all the time- I liked swings but I didn't need one because I could go use them at the park. Kids just don't see things that way, at least I didn't.
I grew up sharing a bedroom with my mum in a houseshare, before we graduated to our studio flat and then halfway through secondary school we got a 1 bed flat.
I did love each move, getting to have things like my own bed and a kitchen table were really nice. But I was still a happy kid in the house share and the studio and it didn't really matter that the space was small.
When the weather was nice we could play in the park and run around there and when it wasn't we lived near a library with toys and I could read and play there. Your childs world doesn't have to fit in your home. Like of course lots of room and having money is massively beneficial and nice but its not essential and not having that definitely does not mean you are letting your kids down. My Mum gave me everything she could and I will always be grateful for that, she definitely didn't 'let me down' because we didn't have a garden.

There will always be something that other people have that you don't. As PP have said, it's the quality of your relationship with your children that matters more. If you can bring them up to be content with what they have they will benefit from that.

I know some very unhappy people who grew up in big beautiful houses and also some who grew up with very little (materially) who have become well adjusted adults.

If you have a secure home that you can afford, that you will eventually own outright and keeps you comfortable then it seems more like a grievance of vanity and status anxiety than any actual hardship.

I live in a rented council flat with my DS if that makes you feel better.

What is with all these threads lately of people moaning about completely ridiculous things? Your home sounds perfectly fine.

I don't know, it's crazy. It's like a wave of discontented adults convinced that subjecting their children to the local state school and living in an average home is the modern day equivalent of Angela's Ashes.

Jealousy is a destructive emotion OP.

Millions of people in this country could say you have more than them and its not fair.

Around the world billions could say it.

Your friend has more than you. So what.

Perhaps read the fable "The Fisherman and his Wife"

You have not let your children down at all. It's natural to be a bit envious sometimes happens to us all. Your children are loved and you are giving them what you can. ❤️

Dont feel bad OP!
I shared a bedroom with my younger brother until i was 12, and my DS2 grew up in a bedroom 9ft x 6ft, and we're all fine, no lasting damage!

OP I was fortunate to have had a fantastically happy childhood. We grew up in a 2 bed semi, sharing rooms. Family of 4.
For context, not that long ago, I'm a 90s child.
My childhood home holds such fond memories for me.
I have absolutely no memory of being cramped, not having space for toys and the like.

Your doing amazing - your kids have a secure home. Don't be suckered into the comparison game.

Yes I was also thinking that the OP seems to have forgotten that owning her own house makes her privelidged in the first place....we also have a similar sized home by the sounds of it, but we don't even own it!!
I definitely am not failing my kids though.People need to stop holding themselves to ridiculously high standards.

Totally get it OP, especially when it comes to your children - you want the best for them and sometimes things don't seem fair

Everyone is right though, it doesn't matter - your house sounds lovely and normal and much better than those living in bedsits with multiple children and shared bathroom facilities. All your children care about is that the time and love you share

your set up sounds very similar to mine op and I am SO thankful because so many of my friends can’t get on the property ladder or get flats or live in much cheaper area. Also op the cost of living is high! And keeping up a big house costs money. Your friend is incredibly lucky. Good for her. Try not to let it eat you up. It sounds like you have other stressors going on.

Do you feel like your parents have let you down by not giving you your family home?