To feel 22 hours a week at work is too much?

[EnglishHamlet]

I have 2 DC both in primary school.
1 has diagnosed SEN which requires a lot of input from me, the other has undiagnosed stuff going on which causes a lot of behaviour, mental and emotional input from me.
They both attend primary school full/normal days. They'd actually both benefit emotionally from a reduced timetable but Head Teacher says they don't fit the criteria for that as they're both high functioning. Anyway that's another story.
I work 22 hours a week during school hours.
It really feels like too much. I'm under constant strain and pressure. It's really full on at home and it's really full on at work.
I keep trying to do my best, keep thinking I'm lucky to work 22 hours and not full time hours.
DH works ridiculously long hours. He gets home hours later than his contracted time to finish due to immense workload which is never going to improve.
So I do everything re looking after the DC and everything at home too re domestic stuff.
By the time DH gets home they're fast asleep in bed, I've done all homework with DC, taken them to the park, cooked dinner, bathed them, read stories to them, settled them to sleep, then after their bedtime I've done the housework and tidied up everywhere by myself, put laundry away etc., and this is after having got up at 6am to get DC ready for school, breakfast, packed lunches, taken them to school then gone straight to work straight after drrop off to do a highly demanding job whilst DC are at school then finish and go straight to school to pick DC up. By the time DH walks in at 9pm I'm absolutely frazzled. He walks in and I haven't stopped since 6am. I have 1 day off a week and spend it sorting things out at home, laundry, cleaning, life admin, etc.
Can't reduce hours as we need the money. All the late evenings DH does are unpaid, he gets his salary (middle earner) and is expected to do the job no matter how long that takes, his workload is colossal.
So AIBU to feel like 22 hours a week of work is too much? I feel like I'm being such a princess even asking this question. But I'm burning out!!!
Edited for typos.

Top priority is getting your DH to make changes.

either rapidly looking for a change of job, or implementing a no overtime shift. How long has he worked at the company?

Currently, get him to work out what his hourly pay is for the actual input he’s giving?

There is absolutely no chance whatsoever of DH being able to make changes at work. He is caving under work pressure. NHS. No support, no help ftom managers, he's reported his long days over and over again to them. He stays late because of workload and because he worries about patient safety. His trust has a 'no paid overtime' policy due to cutbacks.
So his hours aren't my question.
My question is AIBU to feel 22 hrs is too much?
I feel so ridiculous feeling like I'm working too much, I always worked full time before DC.
But I can't cope and need to know if it's me being unable to cope!

What can you realistically change to make some more space for you? Everyone feels better for some time to themselves.

How old are the DC? Can you streamline the after school hours at all to give you a break? Outsource any chores or only do very simple meals on work days?

I work these sort of hours but also in the school hols. One of mine is HF with a lot of time not attending school and one is severely disabled with LF ASD and no help. So I totally get it.

I would hold on to these hours though. They are jackpot with children with Sen but DH needs to help more. does but sound like s fair set up. Also, are you getting DLA for them? Would DLA with carers allowance be an option?

What is your pattern of 22 days? Would it help to eg shorten your lunch break?

Can’t you leave some of the chores to the weekend instead of doing them on your day off? That’s what I have done .. go to the gym, meet friends. A chance to recharge. Maybe a couple of hours of housework. You and your Dh do at the weekend. Or does he work weekends as well?

YABU to focus on your working hours when your husband's work is the problem. It's commendable that he cares about the patients but he also has a responsibility to himself and his family. His current situation is not sustainable. If there is no hope of improvement in his current role, he needs to change job.

As a PP said, look into claim DLA for your child with a diagnosis.

You would not be unreasonable to reduce your working hours so you only do 3 short days a week, which would give you 2 (school) days a week of child-free time, which is surely essential given that you are doing literally everything.

When you have children with SEND, both parents have to make adjustments. You can't carry on like this or everyone will suffer.

You obviously have a lot on your plate, so it’s not for me to tell you if you should/shouldn’t be coping.

What are the alternatives? Financially, can you reduce your hours? Is that something your current employer would agree to? A 22hour term time contract really is gold dust, so I’d think long and hard about walking away from it.

Do you have any external support such as family? Are the children receiving dla? Could they go to any activities/respite/therapies?

It sounds like you and your husband cannot continue to sustain the current output without something breaking, but please consider the longer terms for your own security, such as pension contributions and being in employment.

Your issue aren't your hours but a husband who puts overtime for a mediocre paid job above family. You have a DH problem! He needs to prioritise his DC.

If you can't cope, you can't cope. It doesn't matter, and won't help, if other people do/have to/think they could.

Your husband needs to make a change. It would be one thing if his ridiculous schedule was bringing in a lot of money so you could outsource chores and childcare, or support you working less. If it's only pulling average salary then he's being a mug at your expense. Either he puts some boundaries around his working hours (the NHS are incredibly short staffed, if he's competent and qualified they're not going to sack him for working the hours he's paid for) or look at a career change that allows him to support his family and actually participate in it.

I love the NHS, I love the principles of it and the staff who work in it despite the state it's in. But this is your one life; a decade of Tory mismanagement has destroyed the service and it is only propped up by people like your husband working way over what they're paid for and papering over the cracks. He shouldn't sacrifice his life, yours and your children's for a principle that is being eroded inevitably by a deliberate political process. He should get out and get a job that allows him a life too.

I think school hours often feels really hard. I moved from school hours to the same hours in standard days and it made such a huge difference. In my case, the kids either went to after school club, I worked from home or my husband worked from home to enable it (organisations are fine with this). But yes, just to affirm that part time in school hours, where you do everything else does feel hard!

NBU to find 22 hours too much. Your situation sounds similar to mine except I'm a single mum. SEN parenting is relentless and exhausting and you don't have the knowledge that it is short term as my 25 year old still needs me. I can't cut back on work as I have a mortgage to pay.

I know you’ve said you can’t reduce your hours for financial reasons, but is there any way you could spread them out differently? For example rather than working them over say 3 days Mon-Fri which would give you 2 days off mid week, or could you work them over 4 days but Mon-Sun (assuming your husband is off weekends) so that you get 2 days off midweek and then 1 day off altogether at the weekend?

This

Your husband's work is the problem, not yours. He needs to find another job, if he really can't manage his workload better in his current one.

Excellent post.

What does he do within the NHS? There will be structures to raise this. Slightly different for different professions. It’s not safe or sustainable. Plus it’s hard to get sacked in the NHS.

Agree this is a problem with your husband.

Hundreds of thousands of women work in the NHS in both clinical and non clinical roles. I can 100% guarantee that there are mothers doing EXACTLY the same role as your DH, without having a spouse to take over 100% of the home role.

I work in the NHS (doctor). I have 2 children. I have to balance that. I can’t walk out the door at 6am and back in at 9pm everyday no matter what the work pressure or how much my patients need me.

You are being completely unreasonable to think that your work pattern is the issue. I wouldn't put up with a DH who refuses to help himself and make the family situation better. He should at least be in a job where if long hours are required they are paid for so you can afford to pay for help. Otherwise, a job where he works normal hours and helps you at home. It's completely unsustainable what he's doing. Someone will be at breaking point, namely you.

You've said your dh's hours arn't the question but I'm afraid its the answer.
Your question "aibu to think 22 hours at work is too much" well given that you seem unprepared to reduce your hours or look at hours dh changing things, Im going to say yes, you are being unreasonable because the world won't solve the problem for you.
Life involves constant growth and constant reevaluation to make sure you're reacting appropriately to that growth, which it doesn't seem you or your dh are

Yes, I can believe he’s a good man and a conscientious worker but you both need to be on board with the fact that he is choosing to prioritise his work over you and your children.

You don’t have the choice to advance your career or volunteer, because you have kids who need to be taken to school, picked up from school and looked after. Women are the primary nhs workers, and they will be in the same boat as you.

This. I also think a lot of men actually secretly prefer staying at work a bit later, and then coming in when bathtime is done / kids are in bed / house is tidy. I have seen this with colleagues time and again. No management job is ever done… but some people will force themselves to leave (even worrying about everything they haven’t done, or logging back on later), others won’t.

How would he cope if you were ill or he was a single parent? He would have to leave earlier.

You need to stop doing so much around the home - he has to do the laundry, or washing up or whatever when he comes home. And tell him one evening a week, he has to be responsible for the children. At least on that day, he has to be home by 5pm or 6pm or whatever.

As for your job - if you hate it, and can afford not to work, then stop it. But if you enjoy it, and think you would be happy to have it later, keep it - school hour jobs are gold dust….

Is your husband's plan to singlehandedly prop up the NHS for the rest of his life? To live forever to keep it afloat? His logic is silly.

He needs to find another job instead of leaving his wife to reach breaking point working and caring for both house and children alone.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and start advocating for himself and asserting some boundaries at work. NHS managers will take, take, take if you let them. He does not HAVE to do unpaid OT. ‘Patient safety’ is a shit excuse he’s just trotting out because he’s probably one of those men that doesn’t want to step up at home. The managers are responsible for ensuring there are enough staff so as not to negatively impact on patient safety. That isn’t your DHs responsibility despite what he may be telling you.

There are avenues he can go down to help assert some boundaries. He can formally raise it with his managers and follow the process. He can grow a pair and simply say no, he’s not staying late anymore. Or tell him to speak to his Union or Freedom to Speak Up Guardian. Every NHS Trust has one.