To feel 22 hours a week at work is too much?

[EnglishHamlet]

I have 2 DC both in primary school.
1 has diagnosed SEN which requires a lot of input from me, the other has undiagnosed stuff going on which causes a lot of behaviour, mental and emotional input from me.
They both attend primary school full/normal days. They'd actually both benefit emotionally from a reduced timetable but Head Teacher says they don't fit the criteria for that as they're both high functioning. Anyway that's another story.
I work 22 hours a week during school hours.
It really feels like too much. I'm under constant strain and pressure. It's really full on at home and it's really full on at work.
I keep trying to do my best, keep thinking I'm lucky to work 22 hours and not full time hours.
DH works ridiculously long hours. He gets home hours later than his contracted time to finish due to immense workload which is never going to improve.
So I do everything re looking after the DC and everything at home too re domestic stuff.
By the time DH gets home they're fast asleep in bed, I've done all homework with DC, taken them to the park, cooked dinner, bathed them, read stories to them, settled them to sleep, then after their bedtime I've done the housework and tidied up everywhere by myself, put laundry away etc., and this is after having got up at 6am to get DC ready for school, breakfast, packed lunches, taken them to school then gone straight to work straight after drrop off to do a highly demanding job whilst DC are at school then finish and go straight to school to pick DC up. By the time DH walks in at 9pm I'm absolutely frazzled. He walks in and I haven't stopped since 6am. I have 1 day off a week and spend it sorting things out at home, laundry, cleaning, life admin, etc.
Can't reduce hours as we need the money. All the late evenings DH does are unpaid, he gets his salary (middle earner) and is expected to do the job no matter how long that takes, his workload is colossal.
So AIBU to feel like 22 hours a week of work is too much? I feel like I'm being such a princess even asking this question. But I'm burning out!!!
Edited for typos.

Where does it say the DH isn’t clinical?

I feel overwhelmed by working 30 hours a week, am married to a doctor. What can you outsource? For me it’s a cleaner!

@thinkfast how presumptuous are you. Life isn't just as simple as working 40 hours a week, not that people have to anyway. Some people genuinely can't for a few reasons. Not all schools offer wrap around childcare!

The vibe from a couple on this thread is "Well we both work full time" good for you BOTH. It comes across as very bitter!

Thank you. And my example of “a monitor going off” was direct experience from when my brother was in ITU and there was a monitor measuring pressure in his brain, every time it went off the nurses rushed to his bedside and it was terrifying.

That would be you that is obstructing the op's thread.

is there any possibility of compressing your hours into 3 days? I do 21 hours over 3 days and have the other two for childcare (for pre school DC and pick up for school DC).

It would mean your DC likely having to go to an after school club. Do you think they could do that perhaps? Or alternatively spread your hours over 5 days so you’re doing less on more days. I’ve found that weirdly working 4 days a week is sometimes the worst of both worlds.

22 hours is not too much but its irrelevant if you can’t afford to reduce your hours anyway.

What do you do?

It sounds like 1 or both of you needs to find another job, so you’re not so exhausted.

Could DH find a different job with a similar salary that would mean he can help with childcare/around the house more.

I dont think people realise how full on working school hours can be with SEN in the mix.

I also think its very hard to make a partner change. Mine evetually moved to a more family friendly job but it took about 8 years!

I would assess whether you can get a cleaner. I would also look at seeing if you can get a mothers help to help with that afterschool to bedtime shift. just because it can be very intense being a sahm to an sen child on a part time timetable, and some people need a break

But ultimately if you are burning out, then you might have to reduce hours.

one thing you might not know is if your child is disabled you can take your parental leave in a different way. I took it as one day a week for about 4 months. Its unpaid but you keep you job hours open. You could also take a block to just recalibrate.

Let me tell you a secret. There is often no wrap around childcare for children with disabilities. Same for holidays clubs. Nobody what's kids with SEN, then the endless appointments. Then time out of school because e.g. of mental health crisis of because of the lack of special school places. Your post is completely tone death.

I would be laughing if I had non-disabled DC and could work full time. Sounds like an utter doddle to the realities I am dealing with.

I really don't understand why people post this kind of shit on threads about children with SN if they have no understanding of the challenges that come with parenting disabled DC.

https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement this is what i was referring to.

It saved my saninty. Yes it was financially tough to take the time off but it wasnt as drastic as cutting hours or leaving permanently

I agree with this too, I used to work with someone like it, he'd stay at work late just so he didn't have to 'deal with the kids' He used to wait till they'd gone to bed to go home. Never mind that his wife was at home having to do it all, selfish prick.

Don't assume his only motivation for staying at work is to get the workload done, it could very well be a bit of both. Whatever pressure he is under at work he is actively prioritising his work over time with his kids and being there to take over the load from you.. I honestly don't know how you can even look at him when he comes in, paid overtime is one thing, unpaid overtime is just him choosing to not be in the house.

Time to get harsh I'm afraid, he isn't the victim here, you are.

Look if he dropped dead tomorrow Rishi wouldn't be reporting that the NHS had collapsed totally because Mr English Hamlet was no longer at the helm.

This is 100% true. But what applies is the same principle as goes for strikes - yes, there may be some patient suffering as a result of strikes and staff shortages. People may even die. It is awful.

BUT. The alternative is that nothing changes. The service will remain underfunded, under-supported, understaffed and badly-managed, and other patients will suffer and even die. Just it will be because of long-term, systematic issues, not because of something obvious and easily blamed like a strike.

It reminds me of that line in the English Patient where someone tells him thousands of people could have died because of what he did; he replies 'thousands of people did die; just different people'.

So I think NHS staff SHOULD do precisely as i've said. Walk out on time. Do your work and not everybody else's too. Work to rule. The whole damn thing will fall over. And so it should, because no institution should survive by systematically screwing over its employees. Maybe then the people in this country who depend on the health services will WAKE UP and stop voting in a political class that is happy to see them die in the gutter for want of care.

This is well actually. He is making his job easier (throwing more time at it) by making your job harder (leaving you with everything at home).

I have 3 kids one with significant complex diagnosed support needs and the middle one with lower level support needs. Whilst 22 hour's a week isn't a lot in reality when you have children with complex support needs it's a lot especially when your Dh is effectively working most of the time. My DH works 37 hours a week though studies for work related qualifications about 8 more hours a week on top of his working week. I work about 7 to 10 hours a week in term time. Quite honestly that is enough as my oldest has a lot of medical appointments. The house work needs done, the kids have activities, school picks up and I have a lot of training etc for my own job. Is there anyway your DH can help you by reducing hours? Have you applied for DLA?

I burnt out in my 22 hours a week job and left - that was mainly done to the job and not the hours though! One thing that did help was changing my hours so I had time at home on my own each morning to do cleaning/laundry etc. DH would take DC to nursery at 8 and then I left for work at 9. I worked 930 - 330 each day M-Thurs then picked DC up straight after. I found getting the major cleaning jobs done in the morning helped as to be honest was always so exhausted after bedtime. I am sure you really value that day off on Friday but if there is anyway you can change you hours to even just give you 30 mins after doing drop off to keep on top of things it might help - 20 min lunch break or something maybe? good luck!

So AIBU to feel like 22 hours a week of work is too much?

Can easily believe that with support needed by SEN kids - mine got minimal to no support in school so it was all thrown on well me.

Other hand you need the money - so can't give up work - and honestly that foot in door of work is worth fighting for.

You have two problems SEN support failing on home - and husband working crazy hours. If you can pay to outsource tasks - do that if not then you need something else to change.

I bet some women with children work the same job your husband does but manage to mostly get home on time.

I work the same hours as you with similar high needs DC. I agree it is hard. The difference for me is that DH very much does his bit. We both had to change roles to make life work with our DC. Your DH's job is the problem, he isn't bringing in mega bucks if you need to work too. It is not at all fair on you so he needs to find a new role or start saying 'no' at work. If you dropped down dead tommorow, he would have to find a way, it is possible.

I do also agree though that working school hours is the worst of all. You're rushing from school into work, back to school 4 days a week. If you can find wrap around care I'd take that and work 3 longer days.

Actually OP, the hardest I ever worked and my most frazzled was the period I worked part-time, 18 hours, when I went back to work once dd was settled in reception. It was utterly gruelling and my dc weren't neurodivergent. I also had/have a dh who is a workaholic. You have my sympathy.

I don't know if it's possible, if you could source childcare, but life became much easier when I went full-time. Full-time, I felt sub-contracting was justified. Essentially other people dealt with the shit. Cleaning, ironing, receiving deliveries and the after school activities and teas (oh the bloody teas and dealing with other people's children as well as my own).

You mentioned your SEN children, would there be organisations that can offer afterschool club / activities for them? If your kids are statemented, they might be entitled to some direct payment hours to be used at home. Or else there may be some charities that would offer help looking after them at home to give you a break.

As many others have said, if it's not working, DH needs to find a new job. I know that's not a quick fix but you can't go on like this. 15 hour days is not feasible for you. You'll burn out. DH absolutely needs to change something.

Direct payments is usually a few hours a week
In my LEA we have a special needs holiday club which some children can access one day a week in school holidays ( after assessment of course ) it's designed as respite though so parents can't choose what day ,so not practical for child care if a parent works

Your health and wellbeing is as important as patient safety... it shouldn't always be you getting the raw end of the deal day after day...

All depends on finances. I work full time cos I need to. I have 2 children too but I just knuckle down and get on with it cos at the moment it’s what we need to do and no point in even thinking if it’s too much as there isn’t anything we can do about it at the moment. I would love to reduce my hours as I am exhausted but needs must and I just crack on x if you can afford to reduce hours do it if not then not much you can do but just get on with it.

He’s trying to earn money for the family… if he prioritised his DC they could have even worse financial struggles. He’s a hard worker and we should respect men like that