To feel 22 hours a week at work is too much?

[EnglishHamlet]

I have 2 DC both in primary school.
1 has diagnosed SEN which requires a lot of input from me, the other has undiagnosed stuff going on which causes a lot of behaviour, mental and emotional input from me.
They both attend primary school full/normal days. They'd actually both benefit emotionally from a reduced timetable but Head Teacher says they don't fit the criteria for that as they're both high functioning. Anyway that's another story.
I work 22 hours a week during school hours.
It really feels like too much. I'm under constant strain and pressure. It's really full on at home and it's really full on at work.
I keep trying to do my best, keep thinking I'm lucky to work 22 hours and not full time hours.
DH works ridiculously long hours. He gets home hours later than his contracted time to finish due to immense workload which is never going to improve.
So I do everything re looking after the DC and everything at home too re domestic stuff.
By the time DH gets home they're fast asleep in bed, I've done all homework with DC, taken them to the park, cooked dinner, bathed them, read stories to them, settled them to sleep, then after their bedtime I've done the housework and tidied up everywhere by myself, put laundry away etc., and this is after having got up at 6am to get DC ready for school, breakfast, packed lunches, taken them to school then gone straight to work straight after drrop off to do a highly demanding job whilst DC are at school then finish and go straight to school to pick DC up. By the time DH walks in at 9pm I'm absolutely frazzled. He walks in and I haven't stopped since 6am. I have 1 day off a week and spend it sorting things out at home, laundry, cleaning, life admin, etc.
Can't reduce hours as we need the money. All the late evenings DH does are unpaid, he gets his salary (middle earner) and is expected to do the job no matter how long that takes, his workload is colossal.
So AIBU to feel like 22 hours a week of work is too much? I feel like I'm being such a princess even asking this question. But I'm burning out!!!
Edited for typos.

This too. Even it it means moving job roles.

The OP asked if she was unreasonable.

I think she’s got a great gig only working 22 hours.

I will never understand why people try and railroad threads like this!!

That's incredibly rude many parents of disabled children have no choice but to give up work and claim benefits. In any case dla is not means tested and if your child is entitled to it your are doing them a disservice by not claiming it for them.

Again good for you but don't say their is no choice
You sound incredibly ill educated about how autism and ADHD affects people DIFFERENTLY!

stop railroading the thread. This isn’t about you ( or me!)

There is a choice. Can you let the OP have her thread now without making it all about you?

Your DC needs to work more reasonable hours or change job or at least get a massive payrise so you can be at home (if you want) and / or pay for a cleaner.

Impressive to do it alone given that most children with SN cannot access wrap around and school holiday childcare. How did you manage that with a full time job?

Have you applied for DLA for your children? You don’t need a diagnosis, you need to be able to evidence need.

I’d apply, with help to do it properly and not forgetting to detail every little thing you need to do for your dc, and spelling out what would happen if they didn’t receive this care.

I have dc with SEN. I haven’t managed to work 22 hours (tried several times and failed).

If it’s too much for you, then it’s too much. If you can afford to reduce your hours then do it. You’ll have people on here who believe we all should be working full time hours and selling our soul while we at it, but life is for living and if it’s not working for you then change something.

Is your DH a doctor OP?

I know that sounds like a solution and it might be for her husband, but it honestly is easier said than done. There is no way of knowing in advance whether that is “okay”, he may think that will be fine at 9am but by 5:30pm when his shift is technically over there could be 3 patients in pain waiting for him to provide their medication and if he leaves then they will have to wait for the next round, maybe 2 hours later, in pain. I’m not sure what kind of person in that situation could just grab their coat and leave. It’s just an example of course and maybe it doesn’t apply to him, but the point is everybody is quick to say here that he should just leave at the end of his shift, but those same people would be the first to post on here if they had to wait 8 hours in a&e, or their surgery was cancelled last minute, or their friend/family member in hospital had to wait 4 hours in agony before getting pain relief etc. It is completely wrong that this is the state the NHS is in and it absolutely shouldn’t be, but if everybody just left at the end of their rota shift you’d be genuinely shocked by the impact it would have.

As a lone parent who "only" works 3 days a week with a teen with SEN and mental health issues (other teen is fine). I understand where you are coming from.
Life is an endless treadmill of chasing camhs, school, where are we with ehcp etc.

But your DH does need to step up.

He’s not clinical.

Your DH needs to stop doing the extra unpaid hours in and ask his manager to put a business case in for either paid over time or extra staff.

This can’t be done if he’s doing all this unpaid.

My point. Just because you do it doesn’t mean the op must.

I can tell you what type of person does it, a mother.

So you had a choice, you chose not to, and now you’re sneering at others who have sacrificed their work to meet their child’s needs. Classy.

nobody is gonna get fired on the NHS for working their hours (which your DH does).

I can’t see anywhere where OP has said that sorry, can you show me where that is confirmed?

Regardless, OP has said the reason he is worried is due to patient safety thus meaning whatever particular role he does directly impacts this.

Hi OP,

You have my sympathy and solidarity!

The truth is until you have a child with additional needs you have no idea how all encompassing, relentless and exhausting it is, so I think most people won’t get how knackering it is.

A few things which might be useful to think about

Firstly -short term can you take some sick leave for a few weeks or any unpaid leave ?

medium term - are you getting all the financial help you are entitled to ? (DLA is not means tested so it’s worth applying) Can you cut back hours at work ? Or find a role with fewer hours ?

long term - can DH find a different role /switch down hours?

In the meantime have a handhold - its bloody hard work being a parent carer x

A nice tag line, but not correct. In fact we see more mothers than anyone else working crazy hours above and beyond, especially on the wards, because they just cannot bring themselves to leave patients who need them. If their children are at home, safe and sound, being looked after by their other parent, then it is always the mothers whom are nurses who you see still working in paeds 5 hours later because they can’t bare to leave someone who needs them.

Yabu, I think your situation is similar to a lot of others. I agree it isn't a great life, but you chose to have children.

I also chose to have children and am a single parent working pretty much full time. Like I say, I agree it's tiring and not ideal but 22 hours is pretty good, plus a day of admin and chores is a luxury for many.

This doesn’t matter. He is a failure of a father and a husband, he is selfishly burdening OP with all the labour while he does voluntary work. Instead of getting a different job, he’s a burden, and a stranger to his kids and there’s no excuse for it.

She talk about him being a middle earner and having managers to whom he reports his long hours, and there being a no paid overtime policy in his trust. This doesn’t sound like a clinical job to me, more admin sort of thing.