To feel 22 hours a week at work is too much?

[EnglishHamlet]

I have 2 DC both in primary school.
1 has diagnosed SEN which requires a lot of input from me, the other has undiagnosed stuff going on which causes a lot of behaviour, mental and emotional input from me.
They both attend primary school full/normal days. They'd actually both benefit emotionally from a reduced timetable but Head Teacher says they don't fit the criteria for that as they're both high functioning. Anyway that's another story.
I work 22 hours a week during school hours.
It really feels like too much. I'm under constant strain and pressure. It's really full on at home and it's really full on at work.
I keep trying to do my best, keep thinking I'm lucky to work 22 hours and not full time hours.
DH works ridiculously long hours. He gets home hours later than his contracted time to finish due to immense workload which is never going to improve.
So I do everything re looking after the DC and everything at home too re domestic stuff.
By the time DH gets home they're fast asleep in bed, I've done all homework with DC, taken them to the park, cooked dinner, bathed them, read stories to them, settled them to sleep, then after their bedtime I've done the housework and tidied up everywhere by myself, put laundry away etc., and this is after having got up at 6am to get DC ready for school, breakfast, packed lunches, taken them to school then gone straight to work straight after drrop off to do a highly demanding job whilst DC are at school then finish and go straight to school to pick DC up. By the time DH walks in at 9pm I'm absolutely frazzled. He walks in and I haven't stopped since 6am. I have 1 day off a week and spend it sorting things out at home, laundry, cleaning, life admin, etc.
Can't reduce hours as we need the money. All the late evenings DH does are unpaid, he gets his salary (middle earner) and is expected to do the job no matter how long that takes, his workload is colossal.
So AIBU to feel like 22 hours a week of work is too much? I feel like I'm being such a princess even asking this question. But I'm burning out!!!
Edited for typos.

How is working unpaid overtime beneficial to his family..He clearly is more concerned with pleasing his boss than looking after the DC. Nobody says he should not work but doing silly overtime isn't helping anyone. And the NHS will not fire you for working your contractual hours. if he wants to work to avoid the home then he needs to get a better paid job which enables the OP to reduce her working hours but the current set up isn't fair to his DC and to the OP.

22 hours at work is nowhere near too much … unless you add in an spineless husband (so much free overtime) who refuses to compromise. The hours aren’t the problem but the husband is, as much as you may love and admire him. He needs to prioritise his family. If he left the job they’d replace him in a matter of days.

I am 100% sure plenty people work long hours for strapped organisations (NHS/police/self employed) and manage to run/take part in a household and prioritise what is important. Myself included.

I don't think it is too much as such @EnglishHamlet .

I am in a similar situation, (DC with SEN/anxiety, DH working long hours)although working 30 hours.

It sounds like there may be more going on for you. I felt awful, so overwhelmed and irritable before being diagnosed with pernicious anaemia. I would recommend getting your vitamin levels checked. Your level of stress and anxiety may be beyond 'normal' and that may he something you need some help with.

In addition, resentment can eat up a lot of energy if you feel that you are unfairly shouldering the burden.

Do you get DLA? If so you may be eligible for careers. With carers you can earn £139 per week so this would mean a reduction in hours. But carers would plug some of the gap in earnings. Plus, you may be eligible for reduction in CT and water rates.

CAB can help with this.

If you don't get DLA it's worth looking into as your child may be eligible

What disabilities do your children have ?

It's not the 22 hours specifically. It's the workload as a whole.

If neither of you can reduce your hours then you need to look at what else can be reduced.

How much of what you do re housework actually has to be done each evening and how much can actually be left till the weekend when you can do it together?

Your husband is the issue. He needs to put some boundaries around his work. He could make another two clones of himself and there would still be more working requiring done, that the way it is in the nhs. I suggest he speaks to his OD or possibly QI team to see what changes are required.

Yes feels familiar! I would try getting your DH to alleviate some of the ‘child’ work.

But it’s one reason I ended up leaving my ex, he was working all hours and I was up from 7am with kids with disabilities and he saw them maybe a few times a week half an hour before their bedtime (9pm) which really wasn’t even that helpful as he’d be fun Dad and muck up any kind of calm sleep routine.

I basically have to work from home part-time, earn very little, and gave up a well paid career that I trained years for. It sucks really. Even now a lot of friends with demanding jobs look a bit down on me, as if I have an ‘easy life’ as because my Ex earns very well they think I have a good easy life, and use my kids as an excuse. Their kids are now diagnosed with autism etc but really nothing like the needs of mine, so they think I’m being lazy.

I’ve just become very centred on me plus kids, I make all decisions based on us and unfortunately my kids high disability needs mean that it’s better for us to be without money and for me to spend time with them, which is a good thing really as now my youngest has no special needs school place so I have had to home school. But my kids are happy and thriving, and I won’t swap that for anything, even my own financial security. Obviously be great to have both!

@GreenAnt23
'He’s trying to earn money for the family'

By working for free? 😄
A man who does not contribute to the running of the house, who does not parent the kids he chose to have, who burdens his wife who's at breaking point with drudgery is not at all worthy of respect.

Is it possible that your DH finds the unpaid overtime a convenient excuse to get out of the hard yards with very high needs DC?

It's unclear whether it's the number of hours you're working or the demanding nature of the job that's the problem. Or both.

If it's the number of hours you could try to find a job that pays more for fewer hours.

Or if it's the demanding nature of the job you could try to find one that's easier for the same hours.

If it's not a WFH job that might be easier as you can do things like put laundry on/out in the middle of the day etc.

What is DH doing at the weekends?

Also why is it you only have 1 day off a week if your working hours are within school hours?

22 hrs isn't a lot in my opinion; but it is a lot if you are commuting 1 hour round trip and the environment is extremely stressful. I'd say that sounds like more of an issue - not the actual amount of hours.

I'd change your job and look for something very nearby school if you can, to reduce any commute.

Your DH needs to change his job too. Sorry but you can't just work ridiculous hours, for no extra pay... to his own health and his families detriment!

Also finally, why are you getting up at 6am to school stuff? Can you not lay in till 7am? Thats still 1hr 30 mins till most schools start? Can you be more organised the night before (uniform laid out, lunches packed etc...) to cut down on the jobs in the morning.

I'm in a similar set-up, with slightly different hours so I empathise. DH travels for work and I do the vast bulk of childcare including at weekends. We're both permanently exhausted.I admit I don't bathe DC every night, the house is often a mess and we don't always do homework. I've reduced the load as much as I possibly can, but wfh some days does help (I get laundry done during breaks etc) so if you can find a job where you can do this that might help.

It's can be really easy and expected to stay on shift if you're a middle manager patient facing in the NHS. You suddenly realise what's happening and the expectation is you'll stay on .However something has to give and its both your family life that it's impacting on .The time has come for him to say I am going I have childcare responsibilities and leave .
It's going to be hard to begin with
But what I learned was I also had rights and should be treated like other staff
And when you.leave you're replaced just like everyone else

If you feel it’s too much for you, then it’s too much. I wouldn’t ask for other’s opinion. Some people work 90 hours per week, others don’t work at all.

Very true, especially as the majority of people don't even have one child with additional needs let alone multiple.

As long as he continues to allow himself to be walked over, he will continue to be walked over! I know many many NHS employees, most without doubt only work their fixed hours with a little flexibility or get paid overtime.
He needs to prioritise his mental health, your mental health and your family.

Yanbu it is hard!!!

Mum of 2 and kids 1 sen school 1 mainstream it is hard.

Husband is out of the house and 60+ away from 4:45 until 18:30 I've had to give up work because it was just impossible especially the fact that sen schools don't have breakfast/after school clubs and I can't work nights because he's gone all day from daft o'clock in the morning but when I was working I was ill, burnt out, stressed, depressed I know exactly how you feel

Do you claim carers allowance at all?

I'm not presumptuous I don't think.... I know too well how hard the constant juggle can be. The constant constant anxiety makes everything 10 times worse. All I was trying to say is that the OP is better off than some of us. She works less than 1/2 of the hours I work. Working full time means that we are able to afford some after school care and a cleaner. Perhaps that's not a helpful comment, but it's true.

And for those that asked I have one child with diagnosed SEN and another that I think has undiagnosed SEN. My DC don't have physical disabilities which I appreciate is a minefield.

Sorry you're having a tough time OP. Hopefully as the weather improves your mood will lift a little.

I’m going to struggle to have any sympathy here as I work 60 hours a week and have to run a household and look after child too.

"DH works ridiculously long hours. He gets home hours later than his contracted time to finish due to immense workload which is never going to improve."

Call me cynical, but whenever I read this I raise an eyebrow. Many men seem to say this but in reality it's actually family avoidance and they are using some time as they wish under a different guise.

Helpful. Off you pop, you must be very busy…

Does your child have disabilities?

Your DH is doing this to you. He absolutely must stop the unpaid overtime. If he won't then there's nothing you can do but accept that he is willing to watch you suffer. I would absolutely be questioning that!

I worked for 5 years in an NHS job that sounds a little like your dh’s job perhaps. Band 7 clinical/managerial.
My dcs are NT - were young teens at the time. Dh worked full time regular hours.
I decided almost overnight that I didn’t want to do this job any more. It was death by email for a start. I was doing well, highly regarded by colleagues and higher management. I said to my manager that I could do it but I didn’t want to do it any more. I worked approximately 60 hours a week (some of the extra I could be paid for at band 6 bank rate)
I was utterly exhausted, the job was impossible. Leaving on time was a clinical risk every day. The safeguarding responsibilities were way above my pay grade.
so I left…just like that really. I got a band 6 job, I work 3 long days most weeks and that is all. I’m significantly happier. I didn’t believe in burn out but I was burned out.
With the unsocial hours payments I earn about £50 less which is nuts but true.
not sure why I’m telling you this although it is cathartic for me. perhaps in case it helps your husband? And indirectly would help you and the family like it did for me. The system could have destroyed me but I take responsibility for the decisions I made in terms of staying in that role.