To feel 22 hours a week at work is too much?

[EnglishHamlet]

I have 2 DC both in primary school.
1 has diagnosed SEN which requires a lot of input from me, the other has undiagnosed stuff going on which causes a lot of behaviour, mental and emotional input from me.
They both attend primary school full/normal days. They'd actually both benefit emotionally from a reduced timetable but Head Teacher says they don't fit the criteria for that as they're both high functioning. Anyway that's another story.
I work 22 hours a week during school hours.
It really feels like too much. I'm under constant strain and pressure. It's really full on at home and it's really full on at work.
I keep trying to do my best, keep thinking I'm lucky to work 22 hours and not full time hours.
DH works ridiculously long hours. He gets home hours later than his contracted time to finish due to immense workload which is never going to improve.
So I do everything re looking after the DC and everything at home too re domestic stuff.
By the time DH gets home they're fast asleep in bed, I've done all homework with DC, taken them to the park, cooked dinner, bathed them, read stories to them, settled them to sleep, then after their bedtime I've done the housework and tidied up everywhere by myself, put laundry away etc., and this is after having got up at 6am to get DC ready for school, breakfast, packed lunches, taken them to school then gone straight to work straight after drrop off to do a highly demanding job whilst DC are at school then finish and go straight to school to pick DC up. By the time DH walks in at 9pm I'm absolutely frazzled. He walks in and I haven't stopped since 6am. I have 1 day off a week and spend it sorting things out at home, laundry, cleaning, life admin, etc.
Can't reduce hours as we need the money. All the late evenings DH does are unpaid, he gets his salary (middle earner) and is expected to do the job no matter how long that takes, his workload is colossal.
So AIBU to feel like 22 hours a week of work is too much? I feel like I'm being such a princess even asking this question. But I'm burning out!!!
Edited for typos.

Well he won't have his all important all encompassing job if he is caught drink driving.

I think your 22 hours working is more important than ever given what you have gone on to disclose.

All this is more than enough reason why I'd leave my DH. He can come home early for colleagues but not for you? He normalises never seeing his children? He doesn't have a care for your well being? I'd honestly leave him, op. And I don't say that lightly.

Hi OP so sorry the situation is so bad for you with DH.

It doesn’t seem like he is willing to confront his issues - I was going to ask if he’s been assessed for ADHD but it seems unlikely he will engage he seems incredibly selfish.

I really would cut my losses with this man, I don’t think this relationship is creating a healthy model for your DC to go up with. Everything you’ve said about the division of labour in the home (there is none). You tolerating this and stepping on egg shells around him to avoid blow ups, how is this good for them?

He will still see them at weekends and during annual leave and perhaps it will also motivate him to have some evenings with them. Presumably the 30m in the morning is everyone getting ready so not quality family time?

You are not stuck, just a frog in a boiling pot.

Thank you everyone.
It's hard to read all these posts, but I'm taking them on board.
How can I leave though? I could never ever afford the mortgages, gas, electric, water rates, TV licence, council tax, buildings/content insurance, running a car, astronomical food bill, days out, birthday and Christmas presents, clothes/shoes/coats for DC.....I mean, I literally honestly couldn't afford it all. Me and DC would quickly drown.
DH is only a middle earner, so he wouldn't be able to give me money towards the mortgage and living costs and also fund his own rent and bills and run a car, he simply doesn't earn enough money. At the end os each month we dont have a penny left between us.
He would never get a mortgage to buy his own home, he doesn't earn enough to get a second mortgage on top of the mortgage we have together. And I don't earn enough to take over the mortgage by myself. He couldn't even afford his own rent on top of supporting me and DC.
It would be a race to the bottom for both of us.
I can't plunge my DC in to a life of poverty, I just can't.

OP which country are you in? If it's the UK you will be entitled to financial help. Are you in receipt of DLA for your child? You absolutely should be getting it.

OP he would have to provide financially for the DC plus you will be entitled to share in assets.

Look in to getting professional advice on your situation and how the financial side will work.

@EnglishHamlet

You talk about him being a ‘middle earner’ but don’t tell us what he does or what he actually earns.

I suspect because you know he’s taking you for a ride.

There are doctors who spend more time with their children which tell you all you need to know.

The reality is your relationship is over anyway - he’s mean to you, doesn’t prioritise time with you, he doesn’t listen to you.

Children may well adore him, that doesn’t mean they might not be aware of the dysfunctional home life they are in. And kids cling when they feel unsafe and insecure.

You need to leave him. If you don’t nothing gets better so you might as well stop moaning about it and put the energy into making your home life as bearable as possible.

Sorry OP, but I agree with others, I think you have a DH problem here.
I think he is selfish & sounds like he has a drinking problem too.
My DC don't have any SEN so I don't fully appreciate your situation but, you are stronger than you think!
Good luck with whatever you decide...

Talk to Citizens advice. Are you eligible for carers allowance for your dc?

im so sorry but the answer is not to stay in an unhappy situation. There is help out there!

The first thing to do is apply for DLA for your DC. The first step is really easy; you just call the helpline (0800 121 4600) and ask for a form. It will arrive in the post with a deadline for completing and returning it. You can do it yourself or get help eg from your local Citizens Advice or a disability charity. There is also helpful info at
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/disability-living-allowance/help-with-your-dla-claim/help-with-dla-form/
and
https://contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/benefits-financial-help/disability-living-allowance/

You can do this whether or not you intend to separate from your husband. However, if you do separate, it will make things a bit easier if you get DLA for your child. You are also likely to be eligible for Universal Credit and you would get a higher amount - including the disabled child element and the carer's element - if your child was on DLA.

How much does your husband earn? You can use the child maintenance calculator to find out the legal minimum he would have to pay:
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance
For example, if he earns £40k/year and has the children for 1-2 overnights a week, he'd have to pay £455/month as a minimum.

Regarding the financial settlement, ie what would happen to the house, the equity, any pensions etc, you would need to get some legal advice - citizens advice might be able to tell you about local law clinics or solicitors offering a free initial consultation. But there is a lot of helpful info at https://www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced

You might find that you are able to stay in your home after all, but if you're not, you might be able to use your share of the equity to buy a share in a shared ownership property. Then you would get benefits towards the rent portion of it.

I think it's doable but you obviously need to be willing. I realise it takes a lot of effort and energy to work all these things out when you're already exhausted.

If you do just one thing now, please make the call to get a DLA form.

Oh and just to add, if he moved out you'd get the single person discount on your Council Tax, which is 25%, and you might also be eligible for a benefit called Council Tax Reduction which could cover some or all of the rest.

Wow... This has gone from working less hours to LTB!?!

Perhaps your DH way of coping with SEND is to work long hours to feel he can provide for you? He is most likely SEND himself. He may be suffering from hyperfocus at work.

My DH has no concept of time. He once had his watch stop at work and he didn't notice. It got dark and I had no idea where he was (he was working in a room that couldn't have a phone or a clock due to the equipment in it). I'm not sure how he finally realised but I think I may have ended up getting hold of the building security to go check on him! He was about five hours late home. Both my DC and my DH have to have alarms set on their phones for anything time sensitive. Our family calendar has notifications set up too 😂.

I think you need to talk to your DH about how he manages his time. I think if he was doing the bath/bed routine more often it would greatly help you. Get him to set an alarm on his phone or a notification for the nights he needs to do it. I can't believe he'd want you or your DC to leave him.

Try reading all the OP's posts.

There has to be a willingness which is not there from her DH.

OP has disclosed more red flag behaviours sounding MN alarm bells and so the thread has naturally and appropriately progressed.

Not only is OP doing everything at home, she is unheard, exhausted, stepping on eggshells around an alcoholic partner on a hair trigger.

He is controlling around OPs use of her phone. She feels stuck and personally deeply unhappy in this relationship as she has said.

Is this a healthy situation for OP, her 2 DC, or anyone?

OP I'm a lone parent to a ND DD14.
I understand how incredibly tough this is, but....

Your DH and you are teaching the DC unhealthy relationship dynamics. They will grow up with the expectation we set them.

Honestly given the situation you should be working more hours and not less, for your financial independence and your pension.

Given your DH has more red flags waving around him than China I'd say your financial situation should become a number 1 priority.

OP, as others have said, he would have to pay you a minimum amount according to his income and what he pays isn't taken into account when you calculate what help you would also be entitled to from the government.
Yes, you might have to move, but you can leave him and not be plunged into poverty
And even if ypu have a bit less financially, I bet you will be happier and a bit less money for a happier mum is a good trade off for any child.
Who knows, you might even meet someone new one day.

OP I couldn't not reply. I'm so sorry you are in this.
You are not crazy and very unlikely to be doing anything wrong here it's just expectations, - you think you are in a two adult family and from your updates your walking on eggshells to not trigger the DH who should be helping.

What to do? If your not in immediate danger (we can all worry for you mentioning drinking and temper, but only you can know) then take the time and decide where your lines in the sand are. What would make you want to leave?
What would you tell a friend or sister in this situation.
Would you want your child or daughter to live like you are?
If it is fine buckle down and focus on what brings you joy, and I hope DC aging will make lifeless manic.

Everyone is allowed to moan about partners etc and have their own deal breakers, personally you've mentioned things that lead me to leaving a not-physically-abusive marriage with a baby. Some friends wondered why I stayed so long (I couldn't see it or a financial way out) others still don't get why I left him.

Imo leaving is a year or two of hardship finding new normal where you dont carry another and are responsible for everything Vs lifetime of you and children feeling on edge in your own home being told your failing at doing everything all at once alone.

Perhaps your DH way of coping with SEND is to work long hours to feel he can provide for you?

he is working for free when he isn't drinking secretly. In what world us that providing for the family?

They would see him more if you were divorced. The more I read what you write, the more I see what the problem really is. You are trying to make excuses for someone with a drinking problem. He needs to get help for his drinking.

Hiding empty containers of alcohol isn’t normal. It’s alcoholic behavior. My first husband and his parents were raging alcoholics. His parents used to hide their alcohol from each other all the time. To be honest here, I’m a recovering alcoholic. I never had to hide my empties though, so that behavior was new to me.

It’s not good for the children you adore to live in this environment. They shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around him, and neither should you. Are there any Alanon type programs around you? Getting support from others in a similar situation can be helpful. Getting yourself and your children away from this should be a top priority for your welfare and theirs.

I know no one can force you to leave. All anyone can do is try to mirror back to you what we are hearing you say and try to help you see what’s going on. Sometimes it’s hard to see the bigger picture when you are stuck in the middle.

It took me 7 years to figure out I was a battered wife. It happened so slowly that by the time I figured it out, it was almost too late. My father showed up once with a shotgun and threatened to shoot him if he hurt me physically again. I didn’t know my father owned a gun!

In your situation it’s more emotional abuse than physical abuse. That’s the hardest one to see. You know you are in pain, but the bruises are all emotional. There aren’t any bruises on your skin that make the physical abuse easier to identify.

I truly hope things work out for the best for you and your children.

Possible you may never read this but here goes. Your DH may be on spectrum/have ADHD. Getting a diagnosis and some strategies may really help him cope. I know a consultant who spent hours more than needed at hospital and has now retired and cannot throw things away. Alcohol increases stress unfortunately, despite the great relaxing feeling we get when we drink. You do not say if you still love him. Worryingly you are nervous if you confront him, why?

Fucksake, why is there always someone who trots out autism or ADHD as some kind of explanation or excuse for abusive men! It's frankly insulting to people with autism and ADHD. The vast majority of them manage not to be abusive alcoholics and do manage to actually parent their children

Is your husband a doctor / surgeon or something?

In general, 22 hours is not too much but if it is too much for 'you' then need tom re assess, everyone's life and demands are different, you need to change something

Hmmm reading all of your replies i think your husband could have ADHD traits and all the drinking etc, he is clearly unhappy and stressed too. Sounds like you both are, and need to try and sit down and talk, as this cannot continue?

If you read OP properly there's more to it. She actually has other things going on with her DH..

Possible you may never read this but here goes. Your DH may be on spectrum/have ADHD.

can people please stop this frankly offensive and ignorant nonsense and suggest a ND disorder whenever someone is a total arsehole? Having ADHD or ASD is not the same as being an utter careless and selfish cunt!!!!