AIBU not wanting DD to go to sleepover?

[EdgyFinch]

My DD (8) has been invited to her friends for a sleep over at the weekend, he isn’t someone she often actively plays with at school, AIBU not wanting her to go, as I feel she’s too young?

Would be an absolute no from me.

1 in 10 children today experience sexual abuse. There are a lot of paedophiles out there, they look like normal people and you’d never know.

I was friends with a lovely polite man when younger who went on to become a teacher and we lost touch. He is now in prison for a long sentence due to child sexual abuse- he is the LAST person i would ever guess to be a paedo.

I managed someone recently who did jury service- all three of his cases were sexual abuse of children.

I was flashed by my priest as a teen in a private area of the church.

I wouldn’t allow my child to stay with people I don’t know and trust. 1 in 10 is too high a risk for me.

Don’t take the risk!

We regularly read on mumsnet posts from women recounting situations where men said or did inappropriate things and the grown women didn’t know how to react.

why would I risk putting my child in situation where this was a possibility?

It’s not worth taking the risk. I am well aware of safeguarding and the risks sleepovers pose

I think a first sleepover needs to be with a close friend and with parents who you know and trust. This sounds like a kind invite, but maybe one for a later date. It's okay to say, thanks but maybe let's just arrange a time for them to play or invite the other child for a sleepover at yours.

That said, I don't think that worry about sexual abuse is a good enough reason to avoid sleepovers - at least not forever. I was sexually abused (not at a sleepover, but at a friends) and it hasn't put me off allowing my dc to have sleepovers, but I allow it only in situations where my gut is telling me all is okay. In my case, we've had two sexual abusers in the family, both people who had contact with my dc, both people you probably wouldn't have guessed, though my gut did say something was off about them and I listened to it. The reality is that risk is everywhere, including probably in your family/close circle, but I don't think it means you need to forever limit these opportunities for your dc. Just trust your instincts, which is sound like is what you're doing.

The only sleepovers my children will go to are Brownies/Cubs or school residentials and I check all the safeguarding arrangements in place. It’s just private sleepovers in non-family member homes that are off limits until they are teens.

I think this depends a lot more on your DC than the other child’s parents, though you’d want to know if they supervise closely. Realistically, how well can you ever know them? If you have had conversations with DC about grooming, sex, boundaries, privates, no secrets etc. and she would feel comfortable to speak up or ask to come home if she felt uncomfortable, I’d be more inclined to let her go. If not, I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to go to sleepovers when I was her age, but secondary school age they become normal with close friends.

Regardless of views on sleepovers, I don't think this is a standard sleepover situation. At primary surely it's v unusual to have a sleepover request from an opposite sex child that your child doesn't actively play with? V odd. Would be a hard no from me.

@HotChocWine

"This makes no sense.

You intend to keep them away for men forever?"

I can't speak for the person you're replying to but I definitely do intend to keep my child away from men while I have any say over it, yeah! What a silly question. We are talking about a child not a 20 year old

When DD was about 13 she often stayed at her friends house. He was openly gay and they were inseparable.
Also, he literallly lived at the end of our road so she was within walkable distance from us.
They’re still friends 20 years later.

So to your question. No I absolutely would not be comfortable with this. Especially at such a young age and being 15 mins drive away.

I just don’t think its worth the risk with primary age children tbh.

As it's a boy I'd be slightly more wary if it's her first sleepover. But if she would be really upset not to go then maybe you could speak to the mum. Try and get to know her a bit, maybe ask her to go for coffee beforehand. If she seems decent and you get on then I'd say it should be fine. 15 minutes drive isn't far if she does need collecting in the night. Does she sleep well, dry at night? If so she is probably ready to start staying over friends houses.

I go with my gut sans my dc have had sleep overs but only with families I know and feel comfortable with. Mostly we’ve hosted. I’m happier with them under my roof. I know dd1’s friend wasn’t allowed here once because I was going to be out for 2 hours. I sort of got it but dh was hurt. At the time he was doing more parenting than me as I was working so much, and he’s an amazing dad. It’s sad it’s like that but the parent has a traditional set up and was nervous about dh being in charge.

I would say no. She's still very young, hasn't had a sleepover before, this is not a close friend and you don't know the parents well.
Also, I echo what was said above- opposite sex sleepovers are very unusual, so unless the two children are very close (which they definitely aren't in this case), another reason to say no.

Sorry but your job is giving you a warped idea of normality. You see the worst and minority cases. You need to let your child learn that the vast majority of people are good. You can't wrap them in cotton wool.

No not if I don’t know the parent well and and if the child is not a close friend. Also if they’re different genders I don’t want them sharing a room so what’s the point in a sleepover.

Up to 5% of men (1 in 20) are estimated to have paedophilic tendencies, hardly rare! The figures are not hard and fast but based on numbers of children reporting SA (1 in 10) seem feasible. It’s definitely not rare like a serial killer for example.

Child sexual abuse is common across all socioeconomic groups. Sleepovers at private homes are a big risk factor.

I’m actually more nervous of sleepovers now I have teens due to peer pressure (which I think is higher risk than sexual abuse). Parenting is hard so make the decision you are comfortable with at the time. Dd is 12 and went to a sleep over recently where she was exposed to some things I’m not happy with. Can’t change it now.

We don’t do sleepovers - most of my DC’s friends’ families have the same view so it hasn’t really come up, but they sometimes do “late overs” which are fun and more age appropriate imo.

Your perspective is ok @EdgyFinch

Many parents allow sleepovers but a sizeable number - I don't know the stats - do not.

Parents are allowed to make these choices for their children.

Just make up an excuse and decline politely.

Absolutely not. Why on earth would you let your child spend the night with near strangers. When my kids were younger I thought it was a bit embarrassing that they never wanted to stay at friends’ houses, now they are adults and we have heard the stories of what happened to their peers I am so glad they self selected. Ignore the truly ignorant people who say you are paranoid.

90% of kids aren’t sexually abused. 10% are. Everyone thinks it won’t affect their child, until it does. And when it does, you also hear from many others who it has happened to as well. It makes you realise that the risk was always massive, and that you didn’t protect your child out of naivety. That’s very difficult to live with.

Do not send your children out to sleepovers come on people!

This ^

Once you have woken up to the risks as a parent, you will not take the risk.

It really can happen to any family, you are not immune because you mix with polite society.

So interestingly my 8 year old is having a sleepover at our house and her friend is coming.

the friend’s Dad bought it up (her parents are apart) and he said x would really like a sleepover with my DD but I appreciate as a single Dad it’s not appropriate to have it at my house”

he is right, I wouldn’t feel comfortable. So it’s at my house. I’m trained in safeguarding,and have told my DH that under no circumstances is he to go in my daughter’s room when they are there without me. Not because I’m concerned, it’s just not appropriate. But I will tell my daughters friend if she needs anything or she’s worried or upset to come and get me or wake my daughter and she can get me, and she can ring her mum or dad at anytime. I’ve spoken to the Mum today to make sure she’s happy (and she was)

sleepovers are part of growing up, but they aren’t without risk (sadly) so am doing all I can to make sure everyone is happy.

God forbid you allow kids to have a childhood rite of passage… I agree that 8 years old is far too young but in the teenage years sleepovers are a central part to how they socialise

Surely this is just another of those situations you navigate as a parent, yes there is a risk but you weigh it up against the happiness and social life of your child. You can't keep them by your side until their teens to keep them out of danger.