To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

[offpiste89]

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

Ask if your boyfriend behave like this to another woman?
If 'yes' (or if 'no' but only due to lack of John's magnificent confidence/way-with-women) - please exit asap.

If not - what would prevent him?
(Why is John 'just John and so ok' in behaving in an unacceptable way?)

You are right to beware of the creepy predatory man.
Our senses on this subject are honed for a reason.

Good men should listen even though they cannot feel the threat themselves.

I've been in a similar situation many times when younger, the grabbing I would have started joking around saying 'john, that's a quick way to get your fingers broken ' then laugh and slap his hand away or move. Or if he was telling my partner I'm attractive and he didn't call him a creep I would condescending pat my partners face and condescending say "don't worry love I don't find him attractive" again laugh. Always laugh so no one in the group can call you out for directly saying he's a creep but he will get the message. At my age now I'd tell him to tone down the creep factor or call him out for touching me. I regret not properly standing up for myself more. But your partner is massively at fault also for not telling him to pack it in and dismissing behaviour you're not happy with. If you would rather go home I'd finish with your boyfriend and leave

Well your boyfriend is the main issue really! What's your relationship normally like?

Wow...saying the OP is complicit, really?!

Go home early. If your partner doesn't come with you, you need to have a serious conversation with him about where his priorities sit. Tbh, that's a conversation that needs to happen anyway since he needed to pull John aside and tell him to stop making you feel uncomfortable. He didn't do that. He minimised your discomfort in defence of his friend.

Staying silent is enabling this man. Please don't do that! Call it out, loud and clear. Then leave with your head held high. Sending hugs x

I have an adult ds. He is big and loud. He also has aspherghers which makes him vulnerable. It attracts people who take advantage of him. One day he was out with him and this guy started sexually harassing teenage girls. My ds was shocked. He reassured the girls and told this mate what he was doing was wrong. He had treated ds badly before but this was crossing the line. He never associated with him after that.

I will also say that my ds gets fed up with how many girls think it's OK to touch him up inappropriately on a night out.

My first comment!

Can we just be clear that women on the receiving end of toxic sexual comments in a tricky social (or indeed professional) situation are not enabling or complicit when they don’t immediately speak out.

That’s just victim blaming.

I'd be havkng a conversation with your dp about how it's not all men, but are all men calling out inappropriate behaviour - you have said you feel uncomfortable, your dp should be on your side. I would think carefully about the fact that he is worried about his friends more than you, and seriously consider the relationship

It's a sad person who is that afraid of losing a friend that he allows a person to feel uncomfortable for his own gain

It must be his character,
I know people like this ,
just tell him straight,
I would of dunked him haha,
lighten up and enjoy yourself , but tell him to pack it in or tell his partner that your not being funny but you find it really intimidating and could she have a word ,
as it is making you feel uncomfortable, say 'I know he is a big character" and you don't like saying anything" but it's putting a downer on your getaway.

Have you complained to your partner?
The thing is he is used to the way he is and that's fine but you aren't and that's also fine.

1st rule of misogyny - whatever a man does is a woman’s responsibility.

FFS.

@Devonshirerexx

Have you complained to your partner ?

The thing is he is used to his behaviour and that is fine,!
but you aren't and that's fine too,

Wow contrary as anything, ! 😵‍💫

"Some things topics you just can't be diplomatic and mild and passive on the fence about ect"

The fact that your man is friends with this guy is a bit weird. He’s very close to someone who objectifies women and disrespects his wife. Of course I’m not saying he’s like that too but it’s a bit odd to get along and laugh so well with someone like that. What do they say when you’re not there I wonder. I think going home is a bit much though but maybe I’m just not getting the full extent

I’d take myself off for a day, to make my point.

The skiing group probably has a WhatsApp group, so I’d message exactly why.

Your future self will thank you for drawing boundaries that set the tone for you and your BF long term, if he’s a keeper.

Can you be absolutely sure that John won't try to get you on your own, assault you, and then afterwards say 'well we were drunk, it just happened'? Would he laugh it off, would your DP laugh it off?
Are you safe?
Has your DP considered whether you are safe?

OP is NOT responsible for this man's behaviour and she is not enabling him. Disappointing but sadly not surprising to see these victim-blaming posts.

I was going to say something along these lines. Sadly OP, this might (should!) make you see your DP in a different light too. He's not just going along with this shit, it sounds like he's actively enjoying it and is 'proud' he has a woman that other men are perving on. YUCK! That would be such a big turn off for me. And perhaps 'John' is actually hoping this trip will turn into a swingers' party? If you'd sat on his lap, he'd be getting off on rubbing against you (as you know) and I wonder how your DP would have taken that? Do you think there's any chance at all that your partner is colluding with this blatant and obvious harassment? I know it sounds paranoid and I hope I'm wrong, but perhaps they are all hoping for a cosy little foursome...

Anyway, that's just baseless speculation. I just find it very, very strange that your partner is going along with this, minimising your discomfort and distress, and seems just fine and dandy with it all. I would hate to cut any holiday short, but it does sound like you're really not enjoying it any more. Would it be really expensive for you to get an earlier flight home? At the very least I'd be laying down the law to your partner and explaining exactly how uncomfortable you now are. His 'mate' is a creep and I think is genuinely hoping you'll 'put out' - I'd want to ask my partner a bit more about any conversations he'd had with 'John' about this trip ...

Haha! I love this!

OP, you really need to call this shit out. Why ruin your trip for this twat?

In the hot tub, try responding with a "Just John, you're hot too,. Boyfriend, I wish you were as sexy and hot as Just John. Just John is a real man. No idea why I was even looking at you".

I think you have to stand up for yourself as well as wanting your partner to stand up for you. Lechers like this get away with it because women are trained to be compliant.

Say, 'Creepy!' if he does anything again. If he pucks you up, yank his ears and if he challenges you say, 'Seems like neither of us likes to be touched inappropriately without warning. Glad we agree.'

But also, don't waste another day with some tossy boyfriend who thinks it's okay for men to treat women like toys, just because they are 'like that'. They need to not be 'like that'. Would he like it if some massive beefcake of a woman he didn't fancy at all just picked him up and hauled him onto her lap and made lecherous comments about him and slobbered all over his face when she greeted him? If not, why does he think you should?

@offpiste89

I wonder too 🤔 if your DP and his creepy mate or friends have shared gilfriends history too

Are they hoping that Jacuzzi sessions will turn into something else
Swinger's session one day sooner or later if conditions pan out the right way for them

It wouldn't susprise me at all...

In no way am I victim blaming. OP is in no way responsible for this man's behaviour. But all it takes is silence to enable his continued perverse and disgusting behaviour.

I wouldn’t go home. You’ve done nothing wrong! I would tell him, loudly, that if he touches you again you will break his fucking arm. And mean it. I feel absolute rage and loathing towards men who have touched me inappropriately. I’ve worked with men for decades and the sad fact is, this happens on occasion and you have to deal with it. You shouldn’t, of course, but you absolutely do. Respond with scary, cold, meaningful rage and they fuck right off. Creepy pervs like him rely on the fact that his victims will say nothing. And no, I’m not victim blaming, the first time it happened to me, I froze. That’s normal. The next time (a different man), I whispered in his ear that if he ever came near me again, I would cut his balls off. With a fucking spoon. That was surprisingly effective. For me, no one, absolutely no one, gets to touch you without your consent.
Your boyfriends shitty response to this is a whole different thread…..

You kind of are blaming the OP for any future misogynistic behaviour ‘John’ carries out. It isn’t her fault. It isn’t her responsibility to call him out if she doesn’t feel supported and safe to do so.
The other friends and her boyfriend - yeh they’re more responsible.
I get what you’re trying to say, but haven’t we all had times we wished we could say something but were too scared/embarrassed/humiliated to do so. It isn’t really for us to tell her to confront him - offer support by all means but don’t pile the guilt on too.

Far be it from me to put words in your mouth, @offpiste89 ... except today. Today I'm going to recommend some useful phrases.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME"
"Sorry, Mrs John, how awkward for you."

"HANDS! I'VE TOLD YOU ONCE. DON'T BE A CREEP."
"Honestly, Mrs John, how do you cope with him?"
"DP, what's wrong with you? The guy's mauling me."

Then go home if you want 💪And say why.