To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

[offpiste89]

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

It's very interesting because I read on Reddit a thread where the roles were reversed - the person who was being completely inappropriate was a woman and the innocent victim in the story was a man:
https://www.reddit.com/r/dustythunder/comments/1bc1b0l/aita_for_leaving_a_dinner_party_after_a_girl_sat/

If I were you @offpiste89, I'd pack up and leave your partner to enjoy his time with "Just John".

The phrases; "Oh! that's just his way" "he is always like that." He's harmless really," "Just make sure you don't get caught by yourself with him and you'll be OK"
So many of the statements made by the victims of pedophile attacks in the 1960s and 70s started like that. In those cases many knew, but few spoke up. You are not being attacked in the same way, but again no one is speaking up against John. The other women will recognise this behaviour even if they do not think it serious enough to support you.

Your DP will not recognise the situation unless you explain in simple direct terms. Will you consider talking to his wife, she is probably the only one who can influence his behaviour.

if you could in front of everyone:

"John - are you trying to be a sex pest because you've been harrassing me since we got here and I've seriously had enough. Please Leave Me Alone!" <hard steer>

and dump your boyfriend for being a dick

This isn't the same with the sexes reversed at all. This is a woman upset with her husband for allowing an 18 year old girl to sit on his knee, for disappearing with her, for seemingly enjoying the younger woman's attention; then gaslighting his wife that she was overreacting for complaining about it. The only 'innocent victim' I see in this story is the wife posting.
The OP on this thread is a woman experiencing unwanted behaviour from a man, with which her own partner is colluding.

I am so glad someone has suggested this - it was my thought too when reading the OP. It's available free to stream on his website as it is so important. It should be absolutely mandatory viewing.

Just as others have said - John is a predator and your DP is enabling his behaviour by minimising it.

sorry no matter how close friends of someone tried to sit me on their lap half naked in a hot tub i think my dh would probably drown them

If you go home without saying anything, you become the villain and John wins.

I don’t blame you for wanting to go home, not because of John who you never have to see again after this holiday but because of your bf who finds John’s behaviour not only acceptable but entertaining, even when he knows you don’t like it. Exactly how far is your bf prepared to let John go ?

I would like to think that you could confront John before you go home. Tell him his personal comments, kisses and inappropriate behaviour in the hot tub are definitely not welcome, you find his personality so unpleasant and vile that you are leaving.

I'd ask the other partners if he's the same with them and why they put up with it. I'm quite gobby though and would also call any uncomfortable behaviour out as it happened.

I wouldn't be with someone who minimised this sort of behaviour.

He's actually assaulted you picking you up.

Your DP needs a strong word and JJ needs to be pulled up on every unacceptable comment. It’s shit but there’s no other way.

Clearly you will never see him again after this.

Oh thats just jon

is what was said about saville-i dont care if its not te same thats how ot escalates

My husband would be wild if another man did this to me

John is a creep. I wouldn’t blame you for leaving. If your DP doesn’t either put John in his place or leave with you, then that tells you all you need to know.

I would be at the very least re-evaluating the relationship and I would make that very clear to DP.

If this complicity and stupidity about toxic make behaviour is representative, I’d rethink the whole thing.

If you dump the partner (who does not seem to care about your feelings) you won't have to deal with the creepy friend.

You have got DP problem like the first previous poster said,

DP problem and " Boys will boys 👦 Culture" combo issue

He is is Creepy as fxck whoever this 🤔 loud mouth verbal 💩💩💩 diarrhea guy is
who lurks about with your DP group of mates,

You have a partner problem, they have the mentality that because John has always had this behaviour its ok. ITS NOT! Your partner should take your feelings into consideration pull his friend a side and tell him you feel uncomfortable, if nothing changes then you call john out on it, if it carries, tell partner he has shown you he has no respect for your boundaries. I would be rethinking this whole relationship, John's not going to change - no one calls out his behaviour, partner isn't going to change as he sees nothing wrong !

We (luckily) don't live in times where men where expected to risk their lives in duels to defend their women's honour. Or in times (at least here) where men had to band together to fight of lawless criminal gangs/armies wanting to steal their wives and small children away. Or cavemen times where urgh had to bash grughhh over the head to defend his cave**. And I am glad about that because it is very easy to romanticise what would be awful to live through (also I bet some men were cowards even then). But all the men have to fucking do in this day and age is say "oy mate hands of my wife". No risk to life or limb whatsoever. And he is too weak and pathetic to do even that. I don't generally expect men to be all muscly and macho (some are some aren't) but I can't understand how anyone could be physically attracted to someone who won't even verbally stand up for their wife/girlfriend when she is being physically manhandled and perved on.

**Possibly not a historically accurate representation

John and your boyfriend are kindred spirits. If this is the friendship group and type of behaviour you bf enjoys being part of and you don't then you are not compatible.

This is not something you can fix or can change about your bf. You either join in (yuck!) or leave the trip and the relationship.

I'd advise going with your gut, listen to that. John is prediator, sexist and out of order. I'm afraid to say so is your DP for allowing/support John in his behaviour and not supporting YOU. It would make reconsider my relationship as well.

I've been there and walked away from a relationship ex as partner believed it was ok for his friend to grab my crotch because I was wearing jeans. My ex partner was outraged that I found it offensive and called the guy out. I left and never looked back.

Too many men get away this behaviour. Do whats best for you, not your partner and definatley NOT JOHN.

Hi I wouldn't leave but I'd definitely have a word with his wife!🤷‍♀️
But if acts inappropriately again I would politely tell him off v.loudly!! ie. Hands to yourself please!! With a death stare😉👍

Try these substitute sentences:

That’s just what Rolf is like!
That’s just what Jimmy is like!
That’s just what Jeffery is like!

And I certainly wouldn’t want to have children with someone who dismisses your concerns like that.

Precisely.

Honestly if I was getting unwanted attention, I think my male friends would do something to protect me. Let alone a partner.

Yes, I'm so sure he'd feel the same way if a man tried to get HIM to sit on his lap half naked in a hot tub. But his partner? Meh.