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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

351 replies

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 11:51

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

OP posts:
LancashireTart · 14/03/2024 10:32

Frankly, John sounds like a prize twat and, unfortunately, so does your DP for his complete lack of support. I wouldn't blame you at all for telling them both to eff off for good.

Noraton · 14/03/2024 10:35

Who on earth are the 11% who voted YABU?!

FuckityFuckBollocks · 14/03/2024 10:35

I would politely yet publicly call him out, in front of his wife, your DP and everyone else. Something like, “John, that’s not really very appropriate is it dear?” But that’s just me I suppose.

coconutpie · 14/03/2024 10:39

OMG he is a predatory creep, that's disgusting behaviour. Your so-called DP is just as bad for not backing you up on this! Honestly I'd be considering dumping your DP over this since he's happy to sit back and watch his friend treat you like this, also tell John that he is a fucking creep.

sallydoodlecat · 14/03/2024 10:39

Just been reading a great article on how to respond to insults. What you've experienced is more than an insult but there were a few suggestions.

One: "could you repeat that? I don't think I heard you correctly". The idea being the shame might kick in.

Two: "what was your intention with that comment?" Makes them pause and reflect on what they've just said. They may deny any ill-intent but hopefully learn he can't get away with that kind of comment.

3: "I wonder why you feel comfortable saying that to me?"

Finally it suggested that if all else fails let silence speak louder than words. Look at him and raise an eyebrow but don't speak.

Thought of you as I read the article. Still doesn't address the fact your boyfriend is letting John get away with it too.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 14/03/2024 10:42

Why can't men just not do this shit?

EarthSight · 14/03/2024 10:46

He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like your partner doesn't mind you being manhandled and passed around his mates. This sort of casual attitude should make you seriously question who he is. It would make me wonder if those two have 'shared' women before, and so this is quite mild behaviour in comparison.

Do you feel loved and respected OP? Or does he think of you mainly as a pretty toy that he doesn't mind other playing with (no matter how you feel about the matter)?

EarthSight · 14/03/2024 10:48

silverbubbles · 14/03/2024 09:19

Don't be over dramatic and moody about it - let John know his behaviour is not appreciated. Face it head on and call John out infront of the others and and tell him off. Don't storm off either. Stay on your holiday and avoid John.

Don't comment on my appearance John.
Why do you keep commenting on my height JOhn?? - you keep saying I'm short its really odd. Can you stop doing this.
Stopping grabbing / touching me John. Were you not taught to keep your hands to yourself?

The way you've told the OP to face this situation will be seen exactly as being dramatic and moody. That's how such men get away with such behaviour.

ChampagneLassie · 14/03/2024 10:50

Really disappointed in your DP here and the other friends. And of course John the massive creep enabled by these people! It sounds like you’re not someone who wants to be vocal and make a scene so I’d just leave. I think that’s probably the end of your relationship too.

mydamnfootstuckinthedoor · 14/03/2024 10:56

If you don't call him out, you're complicit.

StopStartStop · 14/03/2024 10:58

Leave the holiday and consider whether a 'DP' who doesn't defend you against obvious sex pests is really worth the bother.

Yalta · 14/03/2024 10:59

Why can’t your bf sit on John’s lap in the hot tub. Why couldn’t you sit on your bf’s lap

I would be staying sober (pretend to drink otherwise you will have people telling you to loosen up) and calling out Johns actions and words

How is Johns wife reacting to all this. It must be so embarrassing to see your Dh clearly chasing another woman.

Or does she know that it is all talk and he would struggle to actually do anything beyond acting creepy

Have any of the wives gf’s had the same treatment from John when they first met him.

I would question your bf and ask if he is testing you out to see if you are up for wife swapping with John and his wife when you get home. I mean what else are you meant to think.

Either way unless anything changes I would seriously question whether this relationship is going to last if your bf has made it clear he thinks so little of your feelings and places the feelings of his predatory friend over you

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 14/03/2024 11:02

YWNBU to go home early and seriously re-evaluate your relationship with your DP. I would be so disappointed in him.

If you want a way to try and get him to understand, I highly recommend the comedian Daniel Sloss's stand up special 'X'. It is about his regret at enabling the behaviour of one of his friends, who went on to rape a mutual female friend and it is incredibly powerful.

BaconMassive · 14/03/2024 11:05

Time to write a Dear John letter...

femfemlicious · 14/03/2024 11:07

I would be careful of your boyfriend. For him to try to sit you in his lap shows what they talk about behing you😭

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2024 11:08

Unless I've missed something, I don't think the OP has said whether the man grabbed her and tried to pull her onto his lap in the hot tub or just made a comment that she could sit on his lap because the hot tub was full. If it's the former then she should have slapped his face or told him to fuck off loudly, but if it was the latter, then I don't think anything more than a laugh or an 'in your dreams' comment was necessary.

LogicVoid · 14/03/2024 11:09

I'd see this as an insight into your own partner's behaviour and standards. And I'd be going home now, alone.

grannypants68 · 14/03/2024 11:12

let's put it this way, my husband wouldn't have allowed another man to put his hands on me, let alone pick me up and put me on their lap! it's extremely disrespectful, drinking or not. i agree it being make or break for your relationship. i expect you feel very let down by your dp. it's not right that he doesn't see a problem with this. tell him. then go home. if he sees sense he will make it known. if not then it's not exactly a loss to you. you deserve someone who respects you.

ThanksItHasPockets · 14/03/2024 11:17

The behaviour is predatory and your DP is enabling it. Go home.

Purpledragonz · 14/03/2024 11:19

Forget John,
Dump the boyfriend

Conniebygaslight · 14/03/2024 11:24

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 11:51

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

I'd just leave, call him out first in front of everyone if you want first but bear in mind this might make him angry and he might get nasty with you. I wouldn't trust this guy as far as I could throw him and in my experience men like this often go on to do dreadful things. (Not trying to scare you).
Your DP invalidating you by saying it's just the way he is is appalling. People accepted that Wayne Couzens' was 'just like that' and look what happened there...

Bumblebeeinatree · 14/03/2024 11:32

Are you sure your wife doesn't mind you flirting like this, I think your lovely, but I am married and so are you. Loudly while said wife is present the next time he does anything, rinse and repeat as required. Or be a bit flirty back and see if he backs off or makes a more blatant advance that you really can complain about to you DH, I was only trying to be friendly as you suggested, but he tried to...

WitchWithoutChips · 14/03/2024 11:34

This is not a situation for a MN-approved witty comment with a tinkly laugh. John's behaviour is predatory. I would leave and I would have some serious thinking to do about how badly DP has let you down.

5128gap · 14/03/2024 11:34

Your DP either sees women as communal property to be mauled around by the group alpha, or is a weak inadequate man who is prepared to allow a higher status male to treat you like this because he lacks the courage to tell him no. Possibly both. Personally I'd be either avoiding them both for the rest of the trip, or getting an early flight home. And ditching your invertebrate partner at the earliest opportunity.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/03/2024 11:35

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 12:29

Well I’ve had an argument with DP about it because I’m being unsociable and moody and he doesn’t think John is behaving any way other than Just John. Totally fed up!

You've been together for 4 years. If your DP doesn't know you enough to realise that your "unsociable and moody" <rolls eyes at your DP> hasn't come from nowhere, then in my opinion he's not much of a DP.

Your partner is prioritising John's feelings over yours. I'd have packed and been ready to go by now. I really hope you're doing so too.