What would you do, go all in with huge differences?

Smetasmerwig · 2024-03-12T05:06:16+00:00

Looking for opinions on a rather complex situation between two work colleagues Male - 27, ambitious, caring, rents a room, start of career. Female - 38, winding down in career, owns £2m house in London, pregnant . First pregnancy for both, they are keen to make a go of things. Have been friends/colleagues for over 5 years. Pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected (heat of the moment sex). Male wants to get married/buy a home and build a family. Female is concerned she may end up losing her home if the relationship fails. YANBU - If you were the woman, would you avoid marrying this man?

uhOhOP · 12/03/2024 05:12

No, you shouldn't marry him, OP. If I were you, I'd even consider if I actually want to raise a child with somebody in such a different position to me. Sounds as though it has plenty of potential for problems, for you, anyway.

moonfacer · 12/03/2024 05:17

The woman should NOT marry him. He will absolutely take a big share of the house if they divorce, even if he says now he wouldn’t.

Why is woman winding down her career?

Original poster

Smetasmerwig · 12/03/2024 05:29

Career is being wound down because she has health issues and needs a slower pace of life

OP posts:

MississippiAF · 12/03/2024 05:34

Smetasmerwig · 12/03/2024 05:29

Career is being wound down because she has health issues and needs a slower pace of life

A baby (potentially alone) isn’t a slower pace of life.

MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 12/03/2024 05:35

Not nearly enough info there. they are keen to make a go of it. Are they in a relationship or not, in love? The next natural step in a relationship is to move in and perhaps get married. Is it the financial difference that is making this be queried, or the age gap? There are many ways for the woman to protect her assets. But the focus really needs to be on what they both want from one another, from the limited info it's isn't clear. Man wants to be a family, woman just aes to think relationship will fail.

KaftasCastle · 12/03/2024 05:39

If I were the woman, I would not get married and risk losing my home.

Also if I had health issues, and needed less stress and a slower pace of life, there's no way I'd have a baby.

Original poster

Smetasmerwig · 12/03/2024 05:40

MississippiAF · 12/03/2024 05:34

A baby (potentially alone) isn’t a slower pace of life.

Show quote history

This is the crux of the issue which I have tried to explain to her. Trying to figure out if there is a better way for all involved.

OP posts:

ditzzy · 12/03/2024 05:41

At the very least they should live together for a reasonable length of time first and take things at a sensible pace (not rush to get married just because of a baby).

After having to buy my ex-H out of our home I chose not to marry the next (current) partner (although refer to him casually as DH all the time!) for vaguely similar but not quite as extreme reasons. He actually suggested it first because he’d had a messy break up in the past and didn’t want to sell his house, so our home is my house and he rents out his. We agreed that 12 years ago and haven’t felt any need to change it now that we do live together and have dcs.

Meadowfinch · 12/03/2024 05:47

The woman now has her child to consider, not just herself. Its security and home.

If they haven't dated, then they should start there. Give it 5 years and then if they love each other and want to stay together, put the house in trust for the child, and marry as equal partners.

But not yet, they don't know each other.

Original poster

Smetasmerwig · 12/03/2024 05:57

MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 12/03/2024 05:35

Not nearly enough info there. they are keen to make a go of it. Are they in a relationship or not, in love? The next natural step in a relationship is to move in and perhaps get married. Is it the financial difference that is making this be queried, or the age gap? There are many ways for the woman to protect her assets. But the focus really needs to be on what they both want from one another, from the limited info it's isn't clear. Man wants to be a family, woman just aes to think relationship will fail.

This is why it's so difficult as the nature of the working relationship restricted the relationship to friendship only. So they have been great friends for 5 years. This naturally progressed to relationship/sex and very quickly (days) into pregnancy. So I would say no, there has been no dating. But they were doing things together during the friendship. They also intended to live together during the friendship as it was convenient for both.

The query and challenge is the age gap, financials and working relationship.

The age gap probably the biggest issue of all and the link to 'social capital'. The man is young, attractive, ambitious. The woman has been battered physically by the health challenges. This has led to some insecurity issues and questioning of motivations.

OP posts:

lemonmeringueno3 · 12/03/2024 06:07

I think there's a middle ground between 'no relationship' and 'marriage'. Why can't they do that while they co-parent and decide what they both want?

In her shoes, I definitely wouldn't ever marry someone with fewer assets. It never benefits the partner who is financially stronger. But I don't see why they can't live together while they figure it all out, especially if they were considering it anyway. The age gap isn't an issue to me as it isn't that big. If their differences in terms of career eventually see them drifting apart, well at least they gave it a go.

moonfacer · 12/03/2024 08:03

The man is young, attractive, ambitious. The woman has been battered physically by the health challenges. This has led to some insecurity issues and questioning of motivations.

She’s right to be insecure and questioning of his motives.

If they have been mainly friends for 5 years, why is he so keen to get married? Why can’t they continue as they are?

Because if she didn’t have a £2m this man wouldn’t be in such a rush to marry her.

He is rushing her into marriage at a time when she is vulnerable with illness and pregnancy.

Be very clear that she needs to protect her assets.

If she does foolishly agree to marriage then she should at least see a shit hot lawyer to protect her assets.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 12/03/2024 08:05

I probably wouldn’t get married. I’d buy the house in a single name or at the very least tenants in common.

tbh I own more of my house ( I am married now) and it really depends what’s important. Like , do you ( or your friend or whatever) want to be happy and have a family? Or do you ( friend, whatever) want to value money above everything else and not be open to a life with a partner as you don’t see them as equal or you don’t trust them?

absolutely do all you can to protect your assets but don’t let it derail your life.

WimpoleHat · 12/03/2024 08:07

Something similar happened to someone I know. They moved in together and had the baby. She wanted to see how things worked out. In the end, it all went well and they decided to have another baby and so got married at that point. In her shoes, I think I’d do that? Move in as a couple and see how that pans out for a couple of years.

NotDonna · 12/03/2024 08:11

Middle ground? Live together? Suck it and see? Plus a decent pre-nup!!

Original poster

Smetasmerwig · 12/03/2024 08:12

lemonmeringueno3 · 12/03/2024 06:07

I think there's a middle ground between 'no relationship' and 'marriage'. Why can't they do that while they co-parent and decide what they both want?

In her shoes, I definitely wouldn't ever marry someone with fewer assets. It never benefits the partner who is financially stronger. But I don't see why they can't live together while they figure it all out, especially if they were considering it anyway. The age gap isn't an issue to me as it isn't that big. If their differences in terms of career eventually see them drifting apart, well at least they gave it a go.

His dad left his mum early in life and he is determined to not have a child with an absent father. He is keen on what he calls building a strong family unit

OP posts:

BabyYodasGotMyTeacher · 12/03/2024 08:21

Why can't they just move in together and build a strong family unit anyway? Marriage is not a precursor....

DP didn't see the point in marriage as his parents divorced when he was a young child. We are a traditional family unit, 2 DC (10&12) just without a piece of paper. Just make sure any house purchases are covered by declaration of trust (I think that's what it was called) and that wills are in place.

LadyNijo · 12/03/2024 08:29

This all sounds quite odd to me. They were colleagues and friends, despite being at different life stages, but weren’t in a relationship because of work, suddenly had one-off sex and she conceived despite her significant health problems? And he’s desperate to move in to her £2 million house and out of his house share? And you know all about this, including the value of her house?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/03/2024 08:36

A strong family unit doesn't mean parents who shouldn't be together, gritt8ng their teeth and staying together because they have kids. Saying that, I know people who have made it work when they have had kids without knowing each other and these two have more chance than most of making it work since they are good friends.

I'd strongly advise if they stay together it's for each other not the child. That will actually translate into what's best for the child as well. So they do things at a normal relationship pace. Date throughout the pregnancy and see if a relationship is still what they want. If it is, he moves into hers and pays a bit of rent and bills. Eventually they can buy together or he buys somewhere else as an investment but she legally protects her current assets in case of a split. It doesn't need to be 'all in' or 'all out' at this early stage.

MeganOIiver · 12/03/2024 08:47

The query and challenge is the age gap, financials and working relationship.

I dont think any of the above is the issue. The issue is why the hell go from friendship to marriage with no in between? And absolutely a decent pre-nup if getting married which would remove any questions marks about motive.

TempleOfBloom · 12/03/2024 08:53

I would be surprised if my 22 year old Ds had a ‘great friend’ who was a 33 yo woman, tbh.

Why is marriage necessary? Why does a house need to be bought?

OneMoreTime23 · 12/03/2024 08:59

how much of the house does she actually own? (My sister “owns” a £1.5m house in London, but she’s actually only paid for about £600k of it.)

she’s also a single parent having got unexpectedly pregnant at 39. She has underlying health conditions. I’m not sure she would recommend it. (4 years on she’s moved home and rented the London house out. Dad has completely disappeared. She can’t work due to the child having significant SN.)

Wishimaywishimight · 12/03/2024 09:18

I raise my eyebrows a little at "heat of the moment sex" leading to an "unplanned" pregnancy in a 38 year old woman tbh. Yep, of course it is equally the mans responsibility however he is not the one left holding the baby.

Did you/she perhaps see this as a last chance to have a baby? If so, she should proceed with the pregnancy but definitely not marry just yet, see how things go when the baby arrives.

AnonymousUser6 · 12/03/2024 10:00

I would say the woman should take what she can get at her age and own up to her responsibilities and settle down with the poor younger guy. Predatory to sleep with a man so much younger than you and then discard him. If I were his mother I would hate you for ruining his life.

OneTC · 12/03/2024 10:08

I'm not the marrying type so I wouldn't really ever be all like "yeah marriage go for it" but this situation would make me even less keen than normal.

Live together, see how things go, get married later if you want.