What would you do, go all in with huge differences?

[Smetasmerwig]

Looking for opinions on a rather complex situation between two work colleagues

Male - 27, ambitious, caring, rents a room, start of career.

Female - 38, winding down in career, owns £2m house in London, pregnant .

First pregnancy for both, they are keen to make a go of things. Have been friends/colleagues for over 5 years. Pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected (heat of the moment sex).

Male wants to get married/buy a home and build a family. Female is concerned she may end up losing her home if the relationship fails.

YANBU - If you were the woman, would you avoid marrying this man?

The lady in this situation should see a solicitor and seek advice. If her house, pension and any assets are ringfenced and protected she may view the relationship differently. Starting on a slightly more level playing field may benefit the relationship

Yes, indeed it was I just quoted the wrong poster. Predatory would be a teen with a legal adult ie. 15/16 and 25/26. 28 is more than old enough to make a whole host of informed decisions with a decade on top. People need to stop infantilising men and excusing childish behaviour from them as fully grown adults it’s ridiculous. A ten year age gap between two consenting adults is of absolutely no consequence to anyone else unless either of said people do not have capacity. No matter how old you are, 28 is not a young man in his early twenties nor a teenager. If his mother were to get involved dramatically proclaiming the woman had ruined her son’s life it would be nothing short of extremely inappropriate and absurd. How has she ruined his life when he willingly consented to unprotected sex with a woman? Bless his cottons 🙄 You need to get a serious grip.

You’re talking about her like she’s 88 not 38! What’s to say you would have had those experiences anyway?

You can still go on holiday once you’ve had a baby you know. You can also have a holiday by yourself if you like, but for someone who is as family orientated as you, then going away as a family will make those experiences even greater.

Thank you to everyone who has responded and provided an alternate view.

Yes, I was a little concerned with her hesitation on marriage legal commitment but I can see why it may be not her preferred option at this time.

What’s in it for her? Didn’t you read the OPs updates… the absolute highlights… he brings: 'social capital'. The man is young, attractive, ambitious. The woman has been battered physically by the health challenges.

She's a colleague who you had a ONS with which resulted in a pregnancy.

You haven't had a relationship.
You gave never lived together.
You have no idea if you are compatible.
You aren't even in love yet.

I don't see the downside in starting a relationship, living together, seeing how things develop and how they process after the baby is.

Why do you need to get married now? You don't carry any risk here whereas of you were pregnant and vulnerable due to maternity leave it would be different. She's in a position to support herself whether on reduced pay or not.

If it doesn't work out, you can easily go back to your previous like while still being a good father. There isn't a risk for you.

You are asking her to take a complete leap without even testing the waters?

Keep thinking like this and she will start to find your immaturity off-putting.

There is a risk, he can’t go travelling whereas he would be able to if he didn’t have a baby because now he has to pay to upkeep the woman whilst she is on mat leave and pay towards the baby when it’s born. So he wants a one million pound retainer so when he decides he can’t be arsed he can divorce her and swan off with money he never would have earned in a million years and live it up in Benidorm.

It might work out well he's ambitious no reason to think he won't be earning good money in a few years so the financial difference will reduce. It sounds like they at least really know and like each other (as friends) which is a really good start in a relationship. He wants the baby and wants to look after it and her.

It may all go bad but that's a risk with any relationship, this one looks to be on a fairly firm basis. I'd go for it, maybe not instant marriage but definitely give it a go.

So you want to get married to control her actions? And the security is for you?

You've never even been on a date with her! You had a one night stand and she got pregnant. You have heard all about her holidays and travelling and you want in on that. You think she should marry you so that you can have the same lifestyle she had.

She should run as fast as she can away from you.

Lots of people do move countries etc with children, and when you are 40 and 50 your children will be older than many peers and you will be relatively free. Stop painting having children as the end of options (especially for a man), this is a situation you both found yourself in and you’re stepping up, that doesn’t make you a martyr.
she probably shouldn’t marry you yet. Move in. See how it goes. Don’t take each other for granted. As a not yet 30 man in a good career you know you will build assets, make sure you’ve built mutual love and support before you get married.
i know crohns can be debilitating but I also know many people with good careers and crohns, I’d say she has years of successful work ahead of her if that’s what she wants. But the baby part is probably not a wind down of any kind.

Jumping from friendship to marriage is crazy. Date for a while, see what it's like living together and take it from there. Babies strain even strong relationships, let alone non-relationships.

Well because in both cases the woman is providing the baby—an asset of immeasurable value which the man can not otherwise acquire.

The contributions and costs to the male or female partner are never equal because: baby.

The freedom to travel and learn about yourself unfettered by responsibility, ends regardless of if you are married or not. You are becoming a parent. It doesn’t matter if you and the mother get married, or even are in a relationship. Your commitment to your child should be unwavering. You need to be there to provide financially, physically, and emotionally for next 2 decades.

you have to make a choice if you are going to be counted amount the many deadbeat dads or if you are going to be the kind of man who shows up to the school play and knows to use the blue cup at breakfast on Tuesdays.