What would you do, go all in with huge differences?

[Smetasmerwig]

Looking for opinions on a rather complex situation between two work colleagues

Male - 27, ambitious, caring, rents a room, start of career.

Female - 38, winding down in career, owns £2m house in London, pregnant .

First pregnancy for both, they are keen to make a go of things. Have been friends/colleagues for over 5 years. Pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected (heat of the moment sex).

Male wants to get married/buy a home and build a family. Female is concerned she may end up losing her home if the relationship fails.

YANBU - If you were the woman, would you avoid marrying this man?

Too soon for marriage. Allow time for the relationship to become established. - they have gone very fast from colleagues to friends to parents. The relationship “as a couple” has not had time to develop.

I would say the woman should take what she can get at her age

What?

ThT’s insulting to both of them, and ridiculous.

Well everyone knows 38 is far beyond the prime age for a woman! I would also be questioning the pregnancy being an accident as a previous poster suggested. She’s obviously a smart 38 year old woman not a teenager. She has chosen to prioritise her career which is fine but she shouldn’t have her cake and eat it, now trapping a 27 year old into having a child with her but not sharing any financial benefit. Imagine if she was a wealthy man refusing to marry a younger woman he had got pregnant and refusing to marry her to guard his wealth - mumsnet would be in uproar.

It seems highly unlikely they were 'great friends' when he was 22 and she was 33. That's a weird age gap - he's only just left uni, she's established in her career. I wouldn't have had any interest in 22 year olds at that age.

Is it a reverse? 38 year old man getting a 27 year old woman pregnant seems significantly more likely, and perhaps OP is trying to make a point about women marrying for money while forgetting the physical, emotional and mental labour of motherhood.

Anyway. In the unlikely even that this is real, no of course she shouldn't marry him.

I hope the last post is sarcasm. Far past prime?? Many of us only get our confidence as women from that age onwards

I don't like age gaps in general but the people going on about it with this, would they say the same with older man with money and younger woman? Would it be a problem that she's attractive?
The hypocrisy is shit

I deliberately didn't specify who I was in the party as I wanted an impartial view, as friends and family are not giving that to me right now. Some are saying she is a predator, some are saying I'm a predator. It's exhausting. People have unplanned pregnancies all the time for no reason, just because of the age and finances people seem to think there is an agenda.

But general consensus seems to be that she shouldn't marry me because I'm likely to run off eventually with her riches.

We met at work. I never knew she was so much older than me whilst we formed the friendship over the first few years. She is young, vibrant and in my view looks great (she complains she is not fit anymore and her chron's has altered her body somewhat). We both look the same age, people are shocked when they find she is 10years older.

I helped her out in a tight situation a few years back and the friendship blossomed from there. I've always been attracted to her and I think the same for her too. She is smart and has her life together. She makes me a better person and I believe I do the same for her too.

Did I envisage being a father in my 20s? No, but life happens and I'm trying to do what I think is responsible and also I want stability for my future child.

You've already rushed the kid bit, rushing a wedding into it isn't the best idea.

If you're committed to making it work then take a bit of time over it

Don’t press for marriage. You need to begin a relationship properly first. Will you be supporting her on maternity leave?

You can be fully committed and provide a stable life without marriage. It’s usually recommend for women as they are more likely to have to give up work and lose out on earnings and income and it gives them security. This doesn’t look the case for you as your partner will be taking a step back and you will be hopefully forging a successful career.

If you do break up, not being married won’t affect your rights as a father.

The creepiest people talk the biggest.

I’ve just read that this is a reverse. Hm.

I still think this is a complex situation in which financial caution (or modesty) is needed. If she has Crohn’s disease it is going to monkey with her health and energy and looks (probably) eventually.

If I were you (the msn) I would suggest not marrying. I would offer to move in snd live like a committed family, pay your share of baby/family life but retain rent money in savings to buy your own property/build your own equity.

If your career is ramping up you may need to travel or otherwise be unavailable. Be prepared to help oay for childcare or additional health care stuff for your partner.

If she is likely to predecease you ask her to make a will leaving the house in trust for the baby with a life interest for you.

Would you be so keen to marry her if she didn’t have a £2m London home?

I think the biggest thing that you need to come to terms with is that marriage is no certainty of a strong family unit. In many cases, co-parenting is much healthier for the child than pushing a broken relationship for the sake of being a family unit. You are more than capable of achieving this without being married and putting her finances at risk if you were to divorce later down the line. You can be an extremely successful team for the child through a strong co-parenting relationship which would always need to be the priority over a romantic relationship. Everything by the sounds of it is very unexpected, new territory. Focus on processing and enjoying the idea of parenthood before trying to rush into anything other huge commitments and certainly (not saying you are) don’t try and push any decisions on her that she isn’t 100% enthralled about. Being a more mature mother is extremely hard going physically and mentally without her pre-existing health conditions. Please, use your time, energy and motivations wisely to support her the best that you can.

Do you acknowledge that she’s right to be worried that you will want a share of her house, OP?

Did I envisage being a father in my 20s? No, but life happens and I'm trying to do what I think is responsible and also I want stability for my future child.

Why does stability for your future child mean you being entitled to half her house?

If the genders were swapped I don’t think people would be so negative. But I do think that they should coparent rather than get married initially. Not just because of the house but to find out how they cope in a everyday relationship. Plus the reality of parenting can bring out the worst ( and the best) in people..

Sorry I missed the above update as well

If you wouldn’t marry him if this baby wasn’t happening then don’t marry him just because there is a baby.

edited after seeing update that you are the male in the situation.

my above opinion still stands. If you weren’t at the point of marriage before this baby you shouldn’t be jumping to it just because an unplanned baby is coming. It’s great you both want to give this relationship a shot but don’t jump into the deep end of marriage just yet.

I have seen your update but my response hasn't changed. She should not marry you and the baby should have her name.

Being pregnant js one is the most vulnerable times for a woman. Having a baby is tough.

I appreciate you want a family unit given what has happened however I think your last post indicates you are focused on yourself and what you want. Live together by all means however be aware that it will not be like 'real' life at all, it'll be excitement and planning for the baby. Then real life will kick in, it may be fab the odds are stacked against you.

'Why does stability for your future child mean you being entitled to half her house?'

This.

You're only colleagues, not even actual mates. A co parenting relationship will need established and that takes priority over sex life and dating to see if a relationship is even viable. She should not marry you, for the obvious reasons already posted.
Why did you not have protected sex?

I know people in a similar position. Friends for years. Pregnancy happened in the heat of the moment. Moved in together because of baby. It lasted 3 years. They now coparent much better living separately. I'd suggest you don't get married. Try living together first. If it works out great. If it doesn't you can still parent successfully.

Get the 'getting married is the right thing to do' out of your head. The right thing to do is to provide your child with happy, loving parents.

This is your whole life you're talking about... marrying someone for any other reason than you're happy with that person inside and out is sheer madness

I agree with you. She should take his sperm, have her baby and get rid of the younger man whose incompetent parents failed to teach him about unsafe sex and its potential to ruin his life 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Ridiculous🙄.

I will be supporting my family as best I can while she is on Mat leave. It will be a challenge financially for me as I'm going from renting a room with fixed bills to having to help support a family and also contribute to housing costs. We haven't quite come to an agreement yet as my income won't even cover 50% of the current and future bills with the new baby. Her heating and electric last month was half my room rent.

The woman should NOT even thing of marrying him
Even sharing expenses isn't possible with that massive disparity and I guarantee this will lead to resentment
Love is not always enough

Speaking from experience, and an unexpected pregnancy with a man who was less financially stable than myself - don't rush into anything. You can make a go of it and still live separately. There's no rush to get married especially as she's financially stable. They can date and co parent without any major life changes (excluding a baby)

I moved the man in (after finding out I was pregnant after 4 months), we got married when our dd was 18 months and we divorced a year later - unfortunately I had to buy him out of my house and luckily I managed to keep my pension. Marry in haste is the old saying...

We are not just colleagues. She is one of my closest friends.