What would you do, go all in with huge differences?

[Smetasmerwig]

Looking for opinions on a rather complex situation between two work colleagues

Male - 27, ambitious, caring, rents a room, start of career.

Female - 38, winding down in career, owns £2m house in London, pregnant .

First pregnancy for both, they are keen to make a go of things. Have been friends/colleagues for over 5 years. Pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected (heat of the moment sex).

Male wants to get married/buy a home and build a family. Female is concerned she may end up losing her home if the relationship fails.

YANBU - If you were the woman, would you avoid marrying this man?

If this is real, it’s a bit of a red flag that the reason to get married is that you didn’t have a solid father figure in your childhood. Your background doesn’t justify her life choices, she’s a person too, who’s now in a vulnerable situation.

There are many successful ways for a child to be parented, and when this woman is pregnant with your child, your priority now and for the next 18-ish years is whatever she needs to be a great mother (in her mind, not yours).

Why did you get married?

I think my situation is quite different as we have been friends for 5 years and very close. I'd also add that the main reason for financial disparity is age. I will catch up, so hopefully this will help.

I may live with him and get to know him. Depends how long they've known each other too.

I wouldn't be doing anything quickly. Certainly not marriage.

So?
No response to the questions I (and others) asked?

He could do better than being with someone who is prioritising their wealth over a family. I'd say this if it were the other way round too.

Why do you need to get married? You’re capable of supporting your child without marriage. Have a proper relationship for a bit and you can make these decisions later.

I assume she’ll get some maternity pay, for the time being you can pay CMS until you’re both ready to make a commitment to move in together. It doesnt sound like you’ll be able to contribute much if you think her bills are already too high. The value of her house is irrelevant really as we don’t know her mortgage. If she has equity she can downsize a bit to ensure she can provide for her child.

To those asking about why I didn't use protection, yes I got carried away in the heat of the moment. I won't be the first or last. As I said, I've known her many years, have always been attracted to her so i got carried away. Like most, I just didn't think it would happen and was prepared to take what I thought was a relatively low risk.

Most of us are asking why you need to get married. You can provide love and stability without marriage.

Marriage for me is important and I believe demonstrates intent that we are committed to working to making if work.

I will be sacrificing a lot to ensure I can be the best parent I can be and I need to feel comfortable that we are both all in.

I wouldn't get married to or buy a house with anyone I only just started a relationship with. All fine and well to give the relationship a go and live together (under a formal agreement, if necessary), but a ONS does not mean someone is marriage and house buying material. Though if I was a lodger and I knocked up someone with a £2m property, I might be keen to buy together too!

And finances are important. I don't want to be in a situation where she decides to walk, and I'm having to build a life from scratch whilst staying close to my child. Marriage provides a degree of security which I need.

Wow imagine the responses if this was the other way round.

38 year old Man, £2 million house and winding down career, gets 27 year old woman pregnant . You’d all be telling her to marry him for security!

Mate, you’re a gold digger. I hope she sees through you.

On the one hand this is a complex situation but on the other it's not really. It's not about who's right or wrong or even what anyone else would do in this situation. She doesn't want to get married (yet). That's the answer. It overrides you wanting to get married. Her concerns are reasonable enough - of course from your perspective they may be unfounded, but it's natural for her to be cautious when you haven't even given this a go as a starter relationship let alone a marriage.

You can commit to her and the child, and start to build something stable, without having to get married first. Marriage is something you have to work towards.

I’m guessing he wanted a thread full of people saying she should marry him so that he could show it to her 🙄

Is he? Reverse the situation. A woman gives up her home to raise a child with a wealthy man in his home. They split.

He doesn’t need to give up his home. He can save up for and buy his own home, just like everybody else.

Of course he wants to get married and buy a home 🤣🤣🤣🤣 who the fuck will be paying for that.

Marriage isn’t really a fairytale. It’s about finding the person who shares your values and has a shared economic and life plan and wants to work it with you. That is why part of why marriage mitigates risk for women. It is two people working towards a secure financial future instead of just one. Pregnancy is inherently risky and puts a woman at risk financially. That is why the mitigation of having a solid partner is important.

however a bad marriage expensive. It needs to well chosen. Even a cohabitation can go wrong and end up very costly.

yes, its much better to be married before having a baby. But that doesn’t mean rush off and marry whatever random man happens to be the father of your child. It means carefully choosing a partner and carefully planning a pregnancy.

upon finding herself unexpectedly pregnant with a recent partner, if she decides to proceed with the pregnancy, often the best choice a woman can make is to stay as independent as possible.

They've not been in a relationship long enough to contemplate marriage

So whilst she's pregnant, assuming she wants the baby, they date and decide of there's enough there for a romantic relationship.

If she will need extra help with medical and pregnancy then he can RENT a room as per previous plan. Less than market rent and half of bills

If a relationship works, they can progress to one room, ideally when baby comes so he pulls his weight.

And they take it from there.

If they get to a point where they both want marriage because of how they feel about each other, she can look into that.

If a relationship doesn't work, he could keep renting a room there for now whilst baby is too young to move between homes

His dad left his mum early in life and he is determined to not have a child with an absent father. He is keen on what he calls building a strong family unit

Don't be an absent father then. You can do that without marriage!

You talk as if being friends and colleagues is the equivalent of being in a relationship, it isn't. You don't know each other in the way you would have if you'd been in a relationship and you need to do that bit before you even consider marrying each other

If you keep pushing it as marriage or nothing you may find she decides that co-parent is all you are ever going to be....

Because we'd had a romantic relationship and were in love. Not because I was pregnant or he owned an expensive house.

But you're proposing marriage before you even love each other romantically because you want financial responsibility. Otherwise what? You're out? You'll have ot EOW once they're five?

So even you admit its about shoring up your financial future! You don’t use your baby to trap a woman into providing you with security.

If the roles were reversed the difference is that the woman, and lower earner, would likely be left supporting the baby while the man can continue to progress and earn.