What would you do, go all in with huge differences?

[Smetasmerwig]

Looking for opinions on a rather complex situation between two work colleagues

Male - 27, ambitious, caring, rents a room, start of career.

Female - 38, winding down in career, owns £2m house in London, pregnant .

First pregnancy for both, they are keen to make a go of things. Have been friends/colleagues for over 5 years. Pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected (heat of the moment sex).

Male wants to get married/buy a home and build a family. Female is concerned she may end up losing her home if the relationship fails.

YANBU - If you were the woman, would you avoid marrying this man?

This is where the sexes of the people involved mean you’d get different answers the other way round

in your case no, the woman with assets should not risk them and if the man insists on it he’s a freeloading bastard

if it was the other way round then the woman should insist he share, refuse to move in without being on the deeds, and if he refuses he’s a selfish controlling bastard

The money is a bit of a red herring here. They have not had a chance to establish a relationship as a couple to see if it has a future.

No one would ever suggest you insist on marriage to someone you aren’t even in a relationship with regardless of gender!!!

If the roles were reversed here people would say to the higher earner, be the most supportive partner that you can, get to know each other and build a relationship. They still wouldn’t be suggesting moving in together or giving up independent homes at this stage.

When that advice is given it's because the man wants her to be a SAHM or go part time so he isn't inconvenienced by having a child or housework. The OP is still going to pursue his career.

He can move in, but not marry at this point, reconsider down the road

Of course the sex makes a difference. If he was having the baby, giving up a few years of his career, then doing less at work and being home more with the child then the overwhelming response would be he should get married. This is not the case here. The woman is giving up her career, he’s young enough to make more money in the future, and will be full time at work.

Sex completely matters in this instance.

'Like most, I just didn't think it would happen'

Dude. Incorrect. Most people would know pregnancy is a risk when choosing to ejaculate on to a vagina. Not even a 'risk' but an entirely predictable outcome.

Can you tell us why you'd expect your colleague to marry and house you and give you half her £2million property if and when you break up. From the relationship you are not in. ?

@Lookatmeivechangedmyname OPs colleague is not his family though. Of course she should safeguard her wealth.

If it were the 20something just starting out who was pregnant, I would advise her to strongly reconsider having the baby. If she decided to continue, then she should do everything possible to protect herself financially.

it doesn’t matter who has more money, the vulnerable person is the one who is pregnant. We could be talking about two woman who conceived using donor sperm. The one carrying the baby is the one taking the huge risk. pregnancy is dangerous. Even a relatively normal pregnancy can still end up interfering with a woman’s ability to earn.

op is a young male who can keep working without interruption. If he is a responsible father he will do his half of the child care and that will impact his earning power. However, we all know that most men in these situations don’t actually do their duties as father’s and don’t think they should have to worry about things like leaving work before the nursery closes or taking a day off because a child is sick.

Perhaps op is one of the good ones and will actually step up and take on half the responsibilities. He should do that regardless of any commitment from the mother of his child. his commitment is not to the mother, it is to the child.

OP you say you will be giving up a lot . What do you mean by that exactly?

You also comment about her walking away and you having to start from scratch - do you mean home wise? Because it doesn't sound as if you have much financial security except your job, you're not giving anything up are you? It sounds as though you want the security she is giving you, again something you want to fulfill your dream of having a family.

At her age?

Sorry but this 100%. You rent a room, if you marry and divorce she loses a mil. It’s really night and day difference. Multiple people have told you that marriage won’t create a happy family unit, you’re not entitled to a million pounds in security just because you give up a room you’re renting and you got her pregnant. You can find other rooms to rent easily, where will she easily find a million pounds? You’re not covering yourself in any glory here pal, you’re not putting her first by trying to dig your heels into an easy half of a house that you’ve done nothing for. There is no honour in taking advantage of a pregnant, vulnerable woman with health difficulties.

You've got £ signs in your eyes. How do you know so much about her bills and house value? Would you still want to marry her if she rented a bedsit?

Sorry, 38 and 28 isn’t predatory by any means. OP said there is a ten year age difference. He’s two years younger than myself that’s not a very young man. Nor is she an old woman. He is nearly in his thirties and many younger men have children and make an excellent job of it without trying to rip off a millionaire. There are no prizes for being a good father when you have unprotected sex. If you’re not clever enough at this age to realise having unprotected sex doesn’t carry a high chance of conception then I really cannot recommend anything other than re-education and abstinence. He’s not a knight in shining armour as much as he clearly loves to think he is. If I were dating your son I’d suggest to you that you had a serious lack of unhealthy boundaries pertaining to your son’s sex life. Gross and weird on your part.

You won't be sacrificing a lot - you won't be pregnant or breastfeeding or working part time etc until your child starts school etc. ie you won't be taking a career break for childcare.

If your work colleague/friend were not pregnant with your child you would not even be thinking about moving in with her because you enrich each other's lives, enjoy spending time together. You are not a benefit and I don't just mean financially.

Given your limited history with the mother you take things slowly - you keep what you already have (ie stay in your house share) and contribute legal minimum of child support. There is no starting from scratch if things don't work out.

You are not bringing much to the table. I think you know this. Would you be so keen to move in with a ONS older pregnant woman with health issues in social housing? Same security of tenure.

And where is the feeling? Just security, rights, duties etc like a legal contract.

Sperm donor would have been cheaper but maybe she'll lock you into a water tight contract/prenup and you won't be able to profit from your marriage/parenthood?

If things were reversed as the man was 38 with his own home and the woman was 27 would people also be saying the man shouldn't marry the woman? That she will take half his home if they divorced.

Usually, people with wealth of whatever sex don’t blindly marry a mate that’s impregnated them through a one night stand. This sort of advice usually is reserved for women who have been in a long term relationship, given their life to this person, moved into someone else’s house, given up their career while the other person has advanced theirs and had multiple children with this person. None of this applies in this situation. Sex is irrelevant here, you don’t become entitled to someone’s wealth automatically because you’ve impregnated someone. No one in their right mind would recommend anyone of either sex to marry in this kind of situation. Also expanding earlier on further on my earlier point normally we see on here that the bread winner has gained their wealth through the woman enabling the man to be able to advance his career and accumulate that wealth by staying at home and looking after the children. The OP has not contributed at all towards the pre accumulated wealth of this woman he’s gotten pregnant. He hasn’t worked, earned or done anything to deserve gaining half of the house if they marry and divorce. It’s a premarital asset that needs a water-tight pre-nuptial agreement for her protection but they are not legally binding only considered. Which is why I wouldn’t marry the OP if were this woman as it’s obvious he wants security where it’s not earned or deserved.

If it were the 20something just starting out who was pregnant, I would advise her to strongly reconsider having the baby. If she decided to continue, then she should do everything possible to protect herself financially.

Frankly, yes to this. Especially if she wanted to progress in her career. I definitely wouldn't be advising her to marry a man she wasn't in a stable relationship with.

When I met her I was totally in awe of her achievements. She has really lived an interesting life and done so many things. Seen parts of the world I have only dreamed of, explored her hobbies to great depth. I have only just started on my journey and I was looking forward to exploring more of the world and also learning more about me in the same way she has had time to do that.

That is what I'm giving up as I don't think I will be able to do these things now I have the responsibility of a child and less freedom. Of course I made the choice and took the risk, but I want to fully support my family and my needs and wants will be secondary now.

You want to get half of her house in the event of a divorce because you can’t go travelling anymore?

😂😂😂

That’s not her problem, mate.

So you would deserve a share of her £2million house if it doesn’t work out to compensate you for lost time travelling. GO DO ONE 🙄

I believe thsis was aimed at me? I am younger than you. I still believe it’s predatory.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 what bridge were you planning on staying under during your next holiday. 👹

I was the (similar) woman. He moved in, we became a family unit, years later we married.

Why not just try him moving in?

Hopefully this women laughs in your face at you demanding compensation for not getting to go on holidays because you chose to impregnate a workmate.

Provide for the kid you made and stop trying to become your colleagues parasite. Have some shame, FFS.
(@Geebray did not not read OPs posts? He's a piece of work)

We met at work. I never knew she was so much older than me whilst we formed the friendship over the first few years.

Sorry, but I can't get over the bit where you were very close for years but simultaneously, didn't know how old she was.

Anyway. Even if you take the £2million quid house out of the picture, getting married isn't a magic wand, it's a legal contract. It's not going to prove your commitment, you know what does that? Proving your commitment, which takes time.

It's not going to stop her "walking" unless you're trying to tie her into a million pound ransom. If you did get married, what do you feel is in it for her, out of interest?