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Original poster

Feeling as though she has been a bit crafty...

111 replies

dandeliondandy · 11/03/2024 23:19

I have been friends with M for 35 years. We were very close friends but since she took up with her latest man 2 years ago, I can more or less count on one hand how many times I have seen her. Partially this is also because I have to travel a lot for work but once the latest beau was on the scene she was always too busy for me or would keep me hanging around on arrangements to see each other in case his schedule cleared. No problem with her having a relationship but rather how I was suddenly starting to be treated. Her man now lives back in his own country in Europe and she has been to see him twice in the last 5 weeks. He doesn't travel back here to see her.

M and I used to live very close by etc but now I live a bus ride away. I haven't travelled for 4 weeks and she has barely bothered with me. I heard nothing from her for over a week until last night when she asked me if I would look after her dog for a week over Easter because her overseas holiday home has issues that need to be sorted. The way it was phrased made it sound as though it was really urgent and I hadn't twigged it would cover the Easter hols so I said OK even though it is an inconvenience and a tie and the dog is incontinent and old.

However, a little later in the conversation (after she had secured the OK from me), it transpired that it wasn't as urgent as it appeared and in fact she is going to her holiday home with her man! The brain cogs started to turn when I realised that when she had been asking about my schedule a couple of weeks ago that she perhaps was testing the water to see if I would be around and that this 'urgent' trip is in fact a planned holiday with her man! She earns a really good salary and has no mortgage so can afford a pet sitter but she refuses to pay out for one.

Am I wrong for feeling a bit resentful and as though she has been a bit crafty and manipulated me? It has left me feeling that way. She has also asked when my next work trip is and I can't shake the feeling it is because she wants to use me as a petsitter for her birthday next month to squeeze in a long weekend away with her man. I hate feeling so suspicious but have been left feeling as though this was all planned and my good nature has been taken advantage of. Of course if it was because she was in hospital or just for a weekend or overnight or a real emergency then no problem but this is just for leisure and because she doesn't want to pay out.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 11/03/2024 23:21

You could tell her you've changed your mind and that it doesn't suit you any more.

Stonehill · 11/03/2024 23:23

Just tell her you didn't realise it was over Easter and you are not available

LenaLamont · 11/03/2024 23:27

Definitely message that you hadn't twigged the extent of the holiday and you can't do it. You aren't her free pet care.

It's great to do favours for friends, but not those who drop you like a hot potato in favour of their latest bloke.

TwentyFirstCenturyFox · 11/03/2024 23:28

It's probably because she doesn't want to leave her dog with strangers or in kennels rather than not wanting to pay.

If you don't want to do it then don't do it. At the moment she has asked if you will look after her dog for a week and you have said yes. You could say you have something else on.

Original poster
dandeliondandy · 11/03/2024 23:35

TwentyFirstCenturyFox · 11/03/2024 23:28

It's probably because she doesn't want to leave her dog with strangers or in kennels rather than not wanting to pay.

If you don't want to do it then don't do it. At the moment she has asked if you will look after her dog for a week and you have said yes. You could say you have something else on.

I wish it was for that reason but she just resents paying out for the dog on vet bills, good quality food etc. My sister said at least it would mean the dog gets properly cared for by me for a week. I feel awkward about saying I can't do it now I committed to it but I definitely won't be around to do it for birthday weekends etc. I used to look after her other pets for weeks at a time while she went on hols during summer holidays for nothing. None of my costs are covered. I just feel taken advantage of and don't know if I am being unreasonable to feel that way or genuinely entitled to feel a bit put out by it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
dandeliondandy · 11/03/2024 23:37

Also of course, she doesn't have to use annual leave if she goes over Easter as she saves that up for her visits to him which is why it clicked that this must have been planned and not the emergency she was making it out to be.

OP posts:
TerriPie · 11/03/2024 23:42

You're being taken for a mug. Reply back with an update that you don't want to look after the dog.

Doesn't sound like they are much of a friend anyway so why worry about pissing them off.

Original poster
dandeliondandy · 12/03/2024 02:35

Thanks everyone. I will do it this once but not again.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 12/03/2024 02:41

You could just have said no, you can't blame them for that, people like to use the phrase 'I have been manipulated' when in fact if they just said no that would have covered it

Original poster
dandeliondandy · 12/03/2024 10:22

WandaWonder · 12/03/2024 02:41

You could just have said no, you can't blame them for that, people like to use the phrase 'I have been manipulated' when in fact if they just said no that would have covered it

Edited

I agreed to it because she made out that it was an urgent repair that needed to be carried out. She secured my agreement but then let it slip that the repair wasn't so big or urgent and she was going for a week with her p/t boyfriend and I felt like I couldn't then say no and withdraw without damaging the relationship. That is why I am feeling manipulated because if the situation had been relayed to me in full at the first instance, I would not have agreed.

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 12/03/2024 10:38

I don’t really understand why you would say yes when she’s treated you rather poorly for two years and why you can’t simply now say something along the lines of “sorry something has come up that week/ I didn’t realise when we spoke that it fell over certain dates etc and I’m no longer able to commit. Have a great trip”. She’s got plenty of time to make other arrangements.

She obviously doesn’t value seeing you anymore so why bend over backwards to tie yourself up for a week so she can continue to deprioritise your relationship when it suits.

SpringtimeBunny · 12/03/2024 14:48

Why on earth are you going ahead with it?? You wouldn't allow a man to treat you this way, or a child I imagine, so why a friend? Also if the dog is incontinent then your home is going to stink! Even after cleaning it up.
Don't enable her OP. If you do it, then she'll know that she can get away with treating people like this and will continue to do it to others as well!

Immemorialelms · 12/03/2024 14:54

I'd be tempted to say I can do two nights, then I'm away for Easter, hopefully that gives you enough time to fly over there quickly and sort the house & return?

Immemorialelms · 12/03/2024 14:54

Seeing as it's such an emergency

KreedKafer · 12/03/2024 14:57

If you don't want to look after her dog, then don't look after her dog. You're under no obligation to do so.

I don't see why it really makes a difference whether she's going to fix issues with her holiday home or whether she's visiting her boyfriend - the impact is the same on you either way. You'd be just as inconvenienced by looking after the dog while she fixed issues at her holiday home (and she would no better of a friend) as you would be if she was spending a week with her partner. It's a bit crap to ask that kind of favour from you for any reason, if she really has barely spoken to you for two years.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 12/03/2024 14:58

Don't "just do it this time".
Message or call her. Sorry something has come up. No details (No it doesn't matter what) I am not available.

It doesn't matter if it's that you'll be enjoying a long weekend eating chocolate on the sofa. This is your free time. YOUR TIME. Not free to be taken advantage of time.
This "friendship" is her using you. Don't be a mug.

SoLuckyToHaveYou · 12/03/2024 15:02

You are perfectly entitled to change your mind. Even if it was urgent.

loropianalover · 12/03/2024 15:04

dandeliondandy · 12/03/2024 02:35

Thanks everyone. I will do it this once but not again.

Why are you still doing it? You say you feel like you can’t withdraw your offer without damaging the relationship, what sort of relationship is this? One where she manipulates and tricks you and uses you, and you just put up with it?

if you give an inch people will take a mile. Text her and say ‘Hi X, so sorry but just realised the dates actually don’t suit for dog sitting, I didn’t realise when you asked that it was Easter.’ No faff, no crying emojis, no trying to fix it for her. You’re not obliged to mind this dog, the dogs got nothing to do with you.

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/03/2024 15:05

Just say no. She needs to pay out for a pet sitter.

"Hi friend, since I'm a bus ride away, pet sitting no longer works for me."

I'd either say it now, or do the Easter one as a last one, if not too difficult, since I'd already agreed.

Lengokengo · 12/03/2024 15:06

Is the dynamic that you are a bit of a people-pleaser and she is generally good fun, so has been a pleasing ( though not particularly supportive) friend?

That dynamic is very familiar to me! She needs to get the message that she has to work a bit harder to get your support. You helping her ‘just this one time’ doesn’t do this.

You have to work out what works for you and then stick to it.

minthybobs · 12/03/2024 15:08

dandeliondandy · 12/03/2024 02:35

Thanks everyone. I will do it this once but not again.

Agree with this. I’d do it this time as you’ve already agreed. BUT any further requests would be met with a firm NO I can’t do it, it’s not convenient for me. Don’t apologise or explain. End of.

Id also start making other friends. Real friends don’t pick you up and put you back on the friend shelf when it’s convenient for them. She’s using you. I do friends favours often but it’s reciprocal because friendship should be reciprocal.

NaomhPadraigin · 12/03/2024 15:12

She doesn't sound like much of a friend. There's lots of time between now and Easter so if you want to back out don't feel bad, but do it sooner rather than later.

moonfacer · 12/03/2024 15:16

dandeliondandy · 12/03/2024 02:35

Thanks everyone. I will do it this once but not again.

Why do it though? She made you agree under false pretences, you owe the manipulative twat nothing.

She's as bad as a liar, so you should just tell her that something has come up and you can't help any more.

If she stops being friends with you then you know she was just a using twat.

moonfacer · 12/03/2024 15:17

WandaWonder · 12/03/2024 02:41

You could just have said no, you can't blame them for that, people like to use the phrase 'I have been manipulated' when in fact if they just said no that would have covered it

Edited

Did you even read the OP?

Ellie1015 · 12/03/2024 17:03

To give her benefit of the doubt, it could be an urgent repair that she is turning into a holiday and chance to see partner?

I would do it this time but not again as she can afford pet sitter, you don't want to do it and your friendship is drifting so feels more like she is taking advantage.

"Sorry, too much hassle getting bus to your every day, I can't help again"