Feeling as though she has been a bit crafty...

[dandeliondandy]

I have been friends with M for 35 years. We were very close friends but since she took up with her latest man 2 years ago, I can more or less count on one hand how many times I have seen her. Partially this is also because I have to travel a lot for work but once the latest beau was on the scene she was always too busy for me or would keep me hanging around on arrangements to see each other in case his schedule cleared. No problem with her having a relationship but rather how I was suddenly starting to be treated. Her man now lives back in his own country in Europe and she has been to see him twice in the last 5 weeks. He doesn't travel back here to see her.

M and I used to live very close by etc but now I live a bus ride away. I haven't travelled for 4 weeks and she has barely bothered with me. I heard nothing from her for over a week until last night when she asked me if I would look after her dog for a week over Easter because her overseas holiday home has issues that need to be sorted. The way it was phrased made it sound as though it was really urgent and I hadn't twigged it would cover the Easter hols so I said OK even though it is an inconvenience and a tie and the dog is incontinent and old.

However, a little later in the conversation (after she had secured the OK from me), it transpired that it wasn't as urgent as it appeared and in fact she is going to her holiday home with her man! The brain cogs started to turn when I realised that when she had been asking about my schedule a couple of weeks ago that she perhaps was testing the water to see if I would be around and that this 'urgent' trip is in fact a planned holiday with her man! She earns a really good salary and has no mortgage so can afford a pet sitter but she refuses to pay out for one.

Am I wrong for feeling a bit resentful and as though she has been a bit crafty and manipulated me? It has left me feeling that way. She has also asked when my next work trip is and I can't shake the feeling it is because she wants to use me as a petsitter for her birthday next month to squeeze in a long weekend away with her man. I hate feeling so suspicious but have been left feeling as though this was all planned and my good nature has been taken advantage of. Of course if it was because she was in hospital or just for a weekend or overnight or a real emergency then no problem but this is just for leisure and because she doesn't want to pay out.

I will clean the bathroom and kitchen bits I use whilst I am there and strip the bed/put bedclothes in the washing machine

then

I am not a bloody maid as well!

No - because maids get paid

You are seriously priceless OP 😂the gift that keeps on giving (for freeeee)

Well done OP, great update.

This. I like your update regarding the dog, but still this. Maids get paid.

I know but I do think it only fair that I clean up what I use after me. I may be many things but dirty I am not! In the past I would have blitzed the whole place and got food essentials in ready for her return. Not this time!

Honestly, I don't want aggro or to be guilt tripped and I said I would do it so for personal integrity reasons I will but this will be the last time. I absolutely will not be available and nor will I be having to explain why I am unavailable or justify why I can't do it. I did my first online session in my assertiveness course today and already feeling more positive (plus everyone's input that has made me feel like I can do it!)

No not this time! This time I will only be a complete free doormat without any extras.

Only so I can walk away without feeling like I broke my word.

Thank you for updating OP.
You have thought it all through and have come to a good decision about how to deal with your friend going forward. Your integrity and kind heart shines through and you are very decent to put the dog first. I hope your friend can learn from you how to treat him as he deserves in his old age. All the very best to you.

What is the course you are doing? I am also a pushover and the course would do me good!

OP you sound like a very lovely person but still you haven’t got the message. Your obsession with ‘honour’ and ‘your word’ is misplaced. This isn’t the Middle Ages. You are not a knight in shining armour. You are being taken advantage of and you still don’t have enough balls to stand up for yourself. You don’t need an assertiveness course, you need to be assertive NOW.

Tell your friend you can’t do this. Just say you don’t feel up to it or it doesn’t work for you anymore. Her dogs welfare is not your responsibility, however your mental health and your own health IS.

Or as a last alternative just say you feel used and you need to be paid for all of your time.

Please don’t be a free maid and strip sheets etc! This is ridiculous. YOU ARE AN ADULT GROW A SPINE. The way to be assertive is to feel the fear and DO IT ANYWAY. You don’t have a friend in this woman so you have nothing to lose. What’s the bet that she’s having a laugh at your expense while on holidays with her man? Hahaha OP’s probably picking up my dog’s shit and tidying my house while I’m having a cocktail!

I’d have some snide comments ready for when she came back- poor old boy will miss me, he’s been so happy to have some company and attention. You won’t have him forever you know.
and when she brought up her birthday say pointedly ‘i see, more urgent repairs.’