Feeling as though she has been a bit crafty...

[dandeliondandy]

I have been friends with M for 35 years. We were very close friends but since she took up with her latest man 2 years ago, I can more or less count on one hand how many times I have seen her. Partially this is also because I have to travel a lot for work but once the latest beau was on the scene she was always too busy for me or would keep me hanging around on arrangements to see each other in case his schedule cleared. No problem with her having a relationship but rather how I was suddenly starting to be treated. Her man now lives back in his own country in Europe and she has been to see him twice in the last 5 weeks. He doesn't travel back here to see her.

M and I used to live very close by etc but now I live a bus ride away. I haven't travelled for 4 weeks and she has barely bothered with me. I heard nothing from her for over a week until last night when she asked me if I would look after her dog for a week over Easter because her overseas holiday home has issues that need to be sorted. The way it was phrased made it sound as though it was really urgent and I hadn't twigged it would cover the Easter hols so I said OK even though it is an inconvenience and a tie and the dog is incontinent and old.

However, a little later in the conversation (after she had secured the OK from me), it transpired that it wasn't as urgent as it appeared and in fact she is going to her holiday home with her man! The brain cogs started to turn when I realised that when she had been asking about my schedule a couple of weeks ago that she perhaps was testing the water to see if I would be around and that this 'urgent' trip is in fact a planned holiday with her man! She earns a really good salary and has no mortgage so can afford a pet sitter but she refuses to pay out for one.

Am I wrong for feeling a bit resentful and as though she has been a bit crafty and manipulated me? It has left me feeling that way. She has also asked when my next work trip is and I can't shake the feeling it is because she wants to use me as a petsitter for her birthday next month to squeeze in a long weekend away with her man. I hate feeling so suspicious but have been left feeling as though this was all planned and my good nature has been taken advantage of. Of course if it was because she was in hospital or just for a weekend or overnight or a real emergency then no problem but this is just for leisure and because she doesn't want to pay out.

You can’t leave the dog alone all that time? Seriously dogs can’t be left like this.

Poor dog 😞 They shouldn't be left like that, they aren't cats. No wonder it's incontinent - a couple of hours a day isn't enough

I know, this is the problem but if I don't, she won't kennel him but she will get others who won't be as nice to him as I am (I am a big animal lover) and she won't pay out for a pet sitter so it will be an assortment of neighbours putting food down and leaving him in the garden and that will be all. He will be lucky to get 20 mins of human company a day. That is what she has done when I am not around due to work. If I resent her new man for anything (and even then it is not him per se), it is that it has caused her to neglect that poor old dog. I will spend time with him and fuss him and feed him properly

I know so you can understand my dilemma. On one hand, I know I should pull out but it will be the poor old dog who will suffer because she won't change her plans, hasn't had him vaccinated for the last 3 years on grounds of 'cost' so no kennels and won't pay for a professional pet sitter. Animals do get lonely but she really doesn't give a monkey's if it means she can fly to this man's country to see him or meet him in a 3rd country.

Can you not have him stay at yours?

No. I have a no pets clause in my tenancy and nosy neighbours in my block of flats.

The man did not "cause" her to neglect her dog. She is choosing to neglect her dog.

She's taking advantage.

You could tell her you've had a change of plans as 'something' came up' don't tell her any details so she can't wriggle out of it and ghost her.

She's not your problem and she's not your true friend. Block her.

Actions speak louder than words.

make it her dilemma not yours!

plenty of notice to tell her plans have changed and you can’t help as Easter etc.

let her sort her own shit out and stop abusing your kind nature and friendship!
she doesn’t deserve you so don’t let her take advantage of you - stop it now!

I used to look after her other pets for weeks at a time while she went on hols during summer holidays for nothing. None of my costs are covered.
Put a stop to it now.

Yes, you are quite right the 'relationship' and her prioritisation of it above the poor old boy who has been her companion for years. I can't imagine doing that and never did even when I lived in places I could have pets.

It’s not your fault at all but my heart is breaking for the poor dog 😢

I would actually think about reporting her to the rspca when she leaves him.

That's awful then - I hoped I'd got it wrong. Do you only go once a day? A dog can hardly be called incontinent if it's only let out once a day. This is so cruel and I'd be telling her so very strongly.

Honestly, I am getting a double whammy of conscience here. First for not putting my foot down with her but then feeling absolutely awful about the dog if I don't do it so I don't feel I have a choice. He is a lovely boy but he isn't cared for in the way I would care for him if he was mine and I don't want him to pay the price. I guess this where the feelings are springing from - her selfishness in terms of me and the dog. I am not always around to care for him but she always comments about that he has put weight on and looks really happy when she comes back from her trips away and I have been looking after him. I play with him, fuss him, brush him, get him little treats etc.

No, if I didn't stay there then I would visit at least three times a day and spend at least an hour each time, often more. Or I could stay there but that is inconvenient for me.

He is incontinent even when she is there. Just old age.

If you're reluctant to cancel, tell you you will need X amount deposited in your account before she leaves to cover your time and bus fares. I'd charge £20 per day minimum per trip to see the dog.

How can it be three times a day when it's a 20 minutes bus each way and you have work, and you've also said it's too inconvenient to get from hers to your work?

You're a mug OP having put up with her for so long, even though you say 'just this once' I'll bet she manipulates you into doing it again, just as she has all these years.
Say no now, and be done with it.

I would have to get up early travel from my home to her house (20 mins) spend an hour then go to work. Then come home early afternoon and spend an hour, get the bus back to mine (20 mins) then come back in the evening (20 mins) and spend an hour or two before going home (20 mins). I work p/t office and other hours at home but would be bobbing back and forth. It is inconvenient as it takes me out of my way to get to work.

I think an urgent work trip just came up !

Yes I agree. Tell her you didn’t realise that it was a holiday not the urgent repair trip she first told you. Tell her you will look after her dog but it’s inconvenient for you and you need money to cover taxi/bus fares etc for while she’s away. And that needs paying straight away so it’s in your account ready.

You sound like a bit of a mug to be honest OP. Why were you looking after her pets for weeks on end? It doesn't seem like she puts herself out for you 🤷‍♀️

You are an absolute nutter then

What?! 🤯