Feeling as though she has been a bit crafty...

[dandeliondandy]

I have been friends with M for 35 years. We were very close friends but since she took up with her latest man 2 years ago, I can more or less count on one hand how many times I have seen her. Partially this is also because I have to travel a lot for work but once the latest beau was on the scene she was always too busy for me or would keep me hanging around on arrangements to see each other in case his schedule cleared. No problem with her having a relationship but rather how I was suddenly starting to be treated. Her man now lives back in his own country in Europe and she has been to see him twice in the last 5 weeks. He doesn't travel back here to see her.

M and I used to live very close by etc but now I live a bus ride away. I haven't travelled for 4 weeks and she has barely bothered with me. I heard nothing from her for over a week until last night when she asked me if I would look after her dog for a week over Easter because her overseas holiday home has issues that need to be sorted. The way it was phrased made it sound as though it was really urgent and I hadn't twigged it would cover the Easter hols so I said OK even though it is an inconvenience and a tie and the dog is incontinent and old.

However, a little later in the conversation (after she had secured the OK from me), it transpired that it wasn't as urgent as it appeared and in fact she is going to her holiday home with her man! The brain cogs started to turn when I realised that when she had been asking about my schedule a couple of weeks ago that she perhaps was testing the water to see if I would be around and that this 'urgent' trip is in fact a planned holiday with her man! She earns a really good salary and has no mortgage so can afford a pet sitter but she refuses to pay out for one.

Am I wrong for feeling a bit resentful and as though she has been a bit crafty and manipulated me? It has left me feeling that way. She has also asked when my next work trip is and I can't shake the feeling it is because she wants to use me as a petsitter for her birthday next month to squeeze in a long weekend away with her man. I hate feeling so suspicious but have been left feeling as though this was all planned and my good nature has been taken advantage of. Of course if it was because she was in hospital or just for a weekend or overnight or a real emergency then no problem but this is just for leisure and because she doesn't want to pay out.

Say something came up with work and now you can't and guve her some details of some kennels. Then don't open messages for a few days.

Well, now that you know, say it no longer suits, surely? You seem to have an ingrained fear of annoying someone who seems primarily interested in you as a free pet sitter.

you need to do the best for that poor dog and get rspca out

Don't be a martyr OP. If you don't stand up for yourself who will - not your cheeky, manipulative "friend".

As has been said: She’s got plenty of time to make other arrangements, so don't dither or suck it up or allow her to use you as a free pet crèche who also provides free food... 🌹

I would be having nothing to do with this, OP. Let her get someone else to do it. Just tell her it's not convenient and you said you would do it because you thought it was an emergency when it's actually a holiday.

I think you're being really silly.

You know she's using you.

It's incredibly inconvenient for you - are you seriously going to travel there for twenty minutes each way every day?

Just say your plans have changed and you can't do it.

She's not a friend - she's a user. She knows you are a people-pleaser and will do whatever she asks you to do, including travelling three times a day to see an incontinent dog, ff.

Just send her a message tonight and say sorry, you can't do it now.

Hang on, the dog is going to stay in a house on its own for a week? I assumed you meant you were having it at yours. A dog can’t be left alone in a house for a week, even with you going over a couple of times a day to walk it/feed it etc.

The dog should not be left alone in this way, it's incredibly cruel. You need to report your friend to the RSPCA. Dogs are not the same as cats, they need more than just letting out occasionally. That poor dog

Or dont
Shes not a friend, she is someone who uses you when it suits you and you let her.
To quote my Teens the whole dog situation sounds like a Her problem

After a couple of days message her that she needs to come home immediately as there is an emergency with the dog. When she gets back tell her it wasn't as urgent as you thought. Bit like her holiday home emergency.

OP, please listen to us. Come to your senses and have more self-respect. You must bite the bullet and tell her you can't do this, it's too much of an ask. It's insane. Contact the RSPCA if you're worried about the dog. Remember, this is not really your problem.

I can understand your dilemma @dandeliondandy
Of course the obvious reply would be to tell your 'friend' that something has come up, or you just don't feel happy doing it anymore but you're thinking of the poor dog, not the CF friend.
I'd definitely be telling her you need your bus fares paying through!
Alternatively, contact the RSPCA and hopefully the poor dog can go somewhere to be looked after properly.

God you’re such a doormat. Just tell her you’ve changed your mind.

Please, please, PLEASE don't let that poor dog be left alone 😢

It would be as cruel as leaving a little child home alone.

She is an absolute cunt to do this. If you go along with it you're as bad as she is frankly.

What on earth are you talking about?

OP can’t be responsible for other people’s dogs.

If you’re so concerned about the dog why don’t you offer to dog sit for free?!

You are not seriously leaving the dog alone for a week!? If I knew who the owner was I’d report her. You are just as bad agreeing to this. Fucking idiots tbh. Poor dog.

OP, you think you are being kind to your friend one last time, but in fact, sorry to say, you are enabling her to mistreat her poor dog.

The poor old boy should not be left alone for such long periods and overnight. No wonder he’s incontinent …he’s really suffering.
She needs to get him re-homed if she can’t look after him properly.

You are right in that the dog needs a professional dog sitter who will stay with him for the week.

I feel you should either stay with him at her place for the week or if that’s really too inconvenient for you, pull out asap and tell her she MUST get a dog sitter to stay with him as you can’t commit to the care that the poor dog needs.

Leaving the dog alone for 21 hours a day is simply not good enough.

eugh. I didn’t realise the dog was being left ALONE in the home among their diarrhea and urine. That’s not good enough OP. You can’t provide adequate care, say no.

Op absolutely has a responsibility to say no since can’t provide adequate care to the dog.

You cannot just leave a dog on it’s own like this. I’m not in the UK but do you not have laws against this!?

She is definitely using you so nip it in the bud now. Say I'm sorry I hadn't realised that it was the Easter week you were talking about and I'm afraid I have plans over Easter that you will not be able to involve the dog so will not be able to look after him now, and give her a list of kennels/pet sitters. It's very cheeky

What a massive pain , I hope she's paying your bus fares ??

I’m guessing op won’t be back.

OP please for the life of god listen to the advice on this thread. WAKE UP! Tell your friend to fuck off and look after her own dog and report her to the RSPCA. Then dust off and carry on your life with some self respect.

Hi, thank you to the majority of people who have responded and helped me work my way through feelings about this. Most people have been really helpful and I truly appreciate the tough love. A minority of posts have been less than helpful but I think because they have the wrong end of the stick. Long post so please bear with me.

I am an animal lover. I have owned animals my whole life and all have lived until ripe old ages because I took very good care of them. I am most definitely NOT a cruel person or a clueless person. I think at times I am my own worst enemy because I try to be nice and helpful. There is no way I would ever leave an animal on its own for 21 hours at a time and especially not an old dog. For what it is worth, I did actually speak to the RSPCA (though without directly implicating anyone) some time ago when dropping off old blankets for their shelter and unfortunately they told me as long as the dog is fed, watered, allowed in the garden and not being beaten etc then there is nothing they can do.

I would have been spending at least 12 hours a day with him even if not staying there. I am lucky that I can work from home at times so I could spend even longer and just go home to sleep but I will stay with him. I have looked after this dog since he was a young dog and I treat him like a real fur baby. He gets love, played with, walked, brushed, really good food (better quality than that my friend provides) and I let him sleep with me. His incontinence is urine related and not diarrhoea as someone else wrote. I am never impatient with him and my friend has always commented how well he is looking and what great condition he is in when she has returned after he has been in my care.

He is a sweet old boy and I am very fond of him. Even if I wasn't staying over there, he would be getting better care from me than the alternative which would be an assortment of neighbours who literally let him out to pee for 5 minutes and drop food for him twice a day. He would have no company or stimulation. I feel angry at how my friend treats him like an inconvenience at times.

I am really grateful to everyone for helping me work though my feelings about this scenario from the way I have been treated to the selfishness about the dog. I feel angry now, more about the little old dog to be honest. I have done a lot of thinking and so..

I WILL look after the dog but ONLY because I promised and I am a person of my word.

This WILL be the last time this happens or that I am manipulated by her. I will make it very clear that I am unavailable next time and in fact, EVERY time from now on.

I spoke to my boss today and have arranged to be able to work from home on the non-bank holiday days so that means the dog won't be on his own.

I WILL stay at the house so the dog isn't lonely and also because I am going to take him to the vet and get his waterworks checked out in case it is a UTI or prostate issue. Her insurance can cough up for it.

If I buy anything for the dog, I will keep receipts and ask for reimbursement.

I WILL be working on my boundaries and have booked an online course for exactly that reason.

I won't be making as much effort for the friendship from now on as it has left me feeling like my sole purpose is to facilitate her holiday with her man (this one and possibly a birthday trip as she was sounding me out on my schedule going forwards) and bugger how it inconveniences me or others and especially because she doesn't want to shell out on a proper dog carer.

I WILL be underlining her responsibilities as a pet owner and telling her that her dog is HER responsibility and NOT a problem to offload onto others. I had to pay for a proper pet sitter before now so why shouldn't she?

In short, I will be telling her not my circus, not my monkeys.

Oh yes and finally, I will clean the bathroom and kitchen bits I use whilst I am there and strip the bed/put bedclothes in the washing machine but I most definitely will NOT be cleaning the house from top to bottom and running out to get milk/bread/eggs etc like I have done ready for her return when I have done pet sitting for her in the past - I am not a bloody maid as well!

Just say no?