Feeling as though she has been a bit crafty...

[dandeliondandy]

I have been friends with M for 35 years. We were very close friends but since she took up with her latest man 2 years ago, I can more or less count on one hand how many times I have seen her. Partially this is also because I have to travel a lot for work but once the latest beau was on the scene she was always too busy for me or would keep me hanging around on arrangements to see each other in case his schedule cleared. No problem with her having a relationship but rather how I was suddenly starting to be treated. Her man now lives back in his own country in Europe and she has been to see him twice in the last 5 weeks. He doesn't travel back here to see her.

M and I used to live very close by etc but now I live a bus ride away. I haven't travelled for 4 weeks and she has barely bothered with me. I heard nothing from her for over a week until last night when she asked me if I would look after her dog for a week over Easter because her overseas holiday home has issues that need to be sorted. The way it was phrased made it sound as though it was really urgent and I hadn't twigged it would cover the Easter hols so I said OK even though it is an inconvenience and a tie and the dog is incontinent and old.

However, a little later in the conversation (after she had secured the OK from me), it transpired that it wasn't as urgent as it appeared and in fact she is going to her holiday home with her man! The brain cogs started to turn when I realised that when she had been asking about my schedule a couple of weeks ago that she perhaps was testing the water to see if I would be around and that this 'urgent' trip is in fact a planned holiday with her man! She earns a really good salary and has no mortgage so can afford a pet sitter but she refuses to pay out for one.

Am I wrong for feeling a bit resentful and as though she has been a bit crafty and manipulated me? It has left me feeling that way. She has also asked when my next work trip is and I can't shake the feeling it is because she wants to use me as a petsitter for her birthday next month to squeeze in a long weekend away with her man. I hate feeling so suspicious but have been left feeling as though this was all planned and my good nature has been taken advantage of. Of course if it was because she was in hospital or just for a weekend or overnight or a real emergency then no problem but this is just for leisure and because she doesn't want to pay out.

The relationship is already damaged, you lose absolutely nothing by telling her no now that the full circumstances are clear.

It’s clear that this is no longer a friendship, nor has it been for quite some time. I appreciate that 35 years is a long time, but you’re not her friend anymore, you’re her dog sitter.

Free dog sitter, at that

I'd do it because if I've committed to something I stick to it unless there's a change in my own circumstances that make pulling out warranted. I don't adjust my own behavioural standards based on someone else's integrity. My integrity is my integrity and there's a lesson to be learned about who I put myself out for is how I would see it.

However, in these circumstances I'd absolutely call her out on it. You may end up having a heart to heart and clearing the air. Or it may end up in an almighty row and you never speak to her again (in which case problem solved about dog sitting). Carrying on in this half-hearted/resentful friendship where you feel unable to express your feelings is a very poor second. What have you got to lose?

@dandeliondandy Haven't you got an operation that has suddenly been brought forwards? No?

Yes, this is how I am feeling. I promised I would do it so I will but won't get caught again. I am not feeling resentful of anything other than the sleight of hand so to speak. I am not and have never been a possessive or demanding friend and it isn't like I demand to meet up or anything and certainly not because she has a boyfriend but only because she wasn't straight with me.

Isn't it unfortunate that your plans are going to change over Easter!

Next time she asks about your schedule you should just say why? Are you planning a holiday with X around me having your dog for you again?

Get it out there. 🤷

Yes, a very loose type of friendship nowadays. that is sad but things/people do change over time. I guess I am approaching it from my own standpoint being that if I had neglected friendships for some time because a new guy was on the scene (obvs people do that whole disappearing stage at first but eventually they resurface) and by some time I mean the last two years, I don't think I would be asking for big favours. I certainly would be super upfront with people but then again, if I had her income levels, I think I would employ a professional petsitter.

That is a great way to put it! Thank you. I will use that.

Lol! I made a promise so I will keep it but this will be the last time. It isn't like I live a few doors down or in the next street. It is a 20 minute bus ride. She might tell me to stay there but I don't really want to so it is going to be a schlep. Plus the doggo is incontinent so it isn't just feeding/gentle walks in the park but cleaning up too.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am not a mean person and generally happy to help people out if I can but just left a bit of a nasty taste how this was done.

I definitely agree that pets are best cared for at home but it is the money. She resents even paying for routine things like flea treatments and goes on and on about how much vet bills are and what a rip off etc despite having insurance so it is because she doesn't want to pay for a petsitter.

Yes. I agree with this about friends who drop people. Going forwards, I think I am going to be a bit more firm and draw some boundaries. There has been no offer to pay me or even cover transport costs. I wouldn't dream of asking someone without offering something but that is me.

What’s preventing you from pulling out now?

She doesn’t respect you or care for you. Shes treating you badly and will continue to as you don’t have any self respect. You’ve made a promise in good faith. It’s not transpired it was NOT in good faith. Get your big gorl knickers on and tell her no.

*now

"It is a 20 minute bus ride. She might tell me to stay there but I don't really want to so it is going to be a schlep. Plus the doggo is incontinent so it isn't just feeding/gentle walks in the park but cleaning up too."

What so the old incontinent dog will be home alone for a week except when you get a bus there and back? It's not even staying at your house? Or have I misunderstood?

You're clearly not mean! But you have been taken advantage of, and your goodwill has been abused.

You agreed to look after the dog over Easter, it was never going to be that much of an emergency when it was planned weeks in advance. It just sounds as though you don’t like her partner/ are jealous of the time she spends with him so now you aren’t happy.

Fair enough if you want to say you’ve changed your mind and back away from the friendship. She will have to pay for someone to look after her dog.

Yes, I have been guilty of that - definitely like lots of others was raised to be a good girl and put others first but of course it can bite you in the bum! I am so glad that others have posted things that show me that I am not being mean (that is how it is leaving me feeling), that she has been cheeky and that I definitely need to work on boundaries around this. We have a long history, we used to work together and we used to meet up for walks, cinema, restaurants or a coffee but since she met the new man, all that ground to a halt which I kind of expected during the loved up stage but it continued and now, even though he doesn't live in the UK anymore so technically there is more spare time, I still don't see her much. I do travel for work quite a bit so that also plays into it but I always make time for people. I guess it left me feeling taken advantage of especially as she wasn't up front and made it sound like the roof of the holiday home was crashing in and it was all dire straits so she really had no choice but to go there but then casually dropped it out that the boyfriend was going too and when I thought about how she had been sounding my schedule out a couple of weeks ago, it is obvious it was all planned with him in advance and that is what is niggling me.

I am not jealous of her partner. I am annoyed that she wasn't honest with me.

Yes - this is precisely how it has left me feeling.

Except it was presented to me as if she only just found out she needed to go and it was super important - turns out that wasn't the case.

At the very least she should be paying for the expenses and getting you a gift on return.

The dog is at her house which is a 20 min bus ride from where I live. the reason I am not pulling out is that a) I have now promised and b) I feel sorry for the old dog who will get better care from me as he is treated like a bit of an inconvenience since the new man came on the scene. I have work as well and getting from her house to where I work is inconvenient so my choices are stay in her house for the time or stay home (which I prefer) and visit the dog/spend a couple of hours with him every day.

You can backtrack given the new info coming to light. So what if you promised? Is your need to be seen as reliable and trustworthy by someone who treats you like a free dog sitter really that important? It’s not taking the higher ground on your part, it’s being her patsy and she knows it.

You’re being daft sticking to the commitment when you know you don’t want to and that she has misled you.