Did you take weeks off work when your 70-something parent was diagnosed with cancer?

[LindorDoubleChoc]

Just that. Oh, and if you did, were you paid and was your job kept open for your return?

What a horrible thread.

I took 6 months off to care for my terminally ill, bedbound mum. She was 73. It was traumatic and difficult, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Everyone has different circumstances and ways of dealing with things. You do the best you can and what feels right.

When my dad was diagnosed with lymphoma a few years ago at 68 I took about 3 weeks off work and was paid as well. It was a total shock, he was hospitalised for two weeks for his initial treatment (sent straight to hospital from the doctors and was admitted). I'm an only child and very close with my parents. I spent the time visiting my dad, and looking after my mum, who was a state - and my two kids as usual. Once things became more stable and he was home again I went back to work. I was fit for nothing except dealing with the situation. Luckily he recovered and has been in remission for 5 years.

I took 6 weeks off. It was unpaid but dad was 2 weeks post diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was in 2020 and just a few months after losing mum, so there was no way that I would have had any headspace for work during that time.

I'm finding this with my own father. They don't help him brush his teeth or shave - all they have to do is provide a bowl with water. And they aren't helping him get any exercise, so his mobility is deteriorating, which then means we need a bigger care package which is much harder to source. It's a mess.

is this a dig at zoe ball?

Yes I did, think it was longer actually. Diagnosed August, I asked for leave of absence to accompany mum to appointments .

It was stage 4, she died at home 4 months later. I went back to work the following January. So about 5 months or so.

When it was my turn, I was signed off for 9 months for inpatient treatment. Then went back part time.

My employers at the time had some very employee-friendly HR policies and I was very grateful to them for that. Would that everyone was so well treated.

My Dad had cancer for 6 months and died at the age of 61. I took no time off when he was diagnosed, took one day off to drive him to Mount Vernon for treatment, and took three days off when he died. I have worked with people who have milked a similar situation for everything it was worth (NHS), even to the point of "it might be my last Christmas/Easter/birthday/Bank Holiday/wedding/trip to Disney with them so I can't possible be rostered to work on those days". 🙄

Subject to discretion means they can ask the employee to either do their job or resign so that someone available can be recruited instead. Whilst harsh, the company does need the job to be done by someone. If the company can manage without someone for months the position should probably be made redundant.

Depends how they manage though doesn't it. If they have to bring in temp workers or juggle some work between other members of staff and some work just gets put on hold, they clearly need that person.

I reckon my work could manage for a month without me, but I'd have a hell of a lot of work to catch up on when I got back.

No one know's Zoe or her Mum's situation. Mum could be in incredible pain, unable to use the loo independently. Sometimes this is the last thing an adult child feels they can do for their parent and I think a society in which people want to care for their parents is a good one.

My work doesn't have a good policy on this but I'm responsible for workplace policies so after seeing this thread and people's good experiences, will make it a priority to update it and make it more compassionate. I'm sure management and Director will agree knowing their values and own life experiences.

I gave up work to care for my mum when she became ill, I know that's not possible for everyone but if you can (and you want to) why wouldn't you?

Weird thing to begrudge another

Possibly but I think it’s at the PW as I’ve just realised who the op is. Whoever it’s about it’s a nasty spiteful thread.

Yes, I took months off. The stress and upset also affected my own health and I became quite seriously physically unwell.

Obviously you are annoyed at someone who has in this situation!

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Had I not experienced it and seen it with my own eyes I would never have believed how bad it was.

I did yes.
Took a year when my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have mastectomy (double) and chemo. They didnt know if she would survive.
My dad was working overseas, and I was on a lower income so went to France to go and care for her.

My job was held for me but it was unpaid compassionate leave. I went back about 18 months later in the end because mum needed a lot more support as the treatment really wiped her out and she had a lot of additional issues with lymphs being removed and swelling etc.

Dont regret it for one second. She had another 8 years or so after that before it came back and killed her.

No but I took a few days/ half days to take my mum to hospital appts when she was first diagnosed, when she had a recurrence and at other points when she needed me and I think that was mainly annual leave in fact.

I took a week compassionate leave to be with her in her final illness which was precious time that I am so glad we had and then another week after her death.

My dad is alive and well however and I expect I would have needed to take more time if she was all alone. I would 100% have taken as much as she needed me for if that was the he situation but obviously would not expect to be paid.

No.
I was lucky that for the bulk of their treatment I was on Christmas shutdown, and was able to work from home (their home) and do non standard hours to fit in driving them back and forth for the first two weeks.

If that treatment was unsuccessful I'm not sure how we'll manage whatever is next but we're still waiting for the scans.

I had several weeks off when my Dad passed away and I suddenly had to look after my Mum who was very infirm. Dad had been looking after her up until that point and he passed away really suddenly. My employer was really kind and understanding and of course I offered to go without pay, but they paid me and held my job for me.

I think if you could afford to, then yes, you should have time off. If you can’t, then try to muddle through the best you can.

No, but cancer is a very wide spectrum and my mother had lots of local support. My work ( social services so bloody well should be) was good on occasions that I needed to drop everything and go, but I tried not to take the piss.

OMG the replies on this thread!

My question was prompted by a situation in the tiny company I work for.

The adult child of the 70+ parent referenced is not their carer. Just too upset to come to work.

I'm posting as someone who took annual leave when I had to visit my ailing parent on a work day, or deal with the sale of their house, clearance of their house, moving them into a care home. 1.5 days compassionate leave off after they died and 1 day for the funeral.

We are trying to work out what is reasonable for a non-carer to have off because they are upset and worried. So far it has been over 2 weeks.

I have some say in the payroll and HR, hence my question.

I suppose it is always just different in a small company with no union and nothing stated about this sort of scenario in the contract. Because of this and various other personal situations in the company as it expands, I am thinking of asking the boss to add a clause to the standard works contract.

Thank you very much for any insightful replies.

Where I work we'd be telling them after 2 weeks that if they're not fit to come in at all they should see their doctor, who would sign them off for "stress related to family illness", but we would also be offering lots of flexibility if that would help them.

I'm posting as someone who took annual leave when I had to visit my ailing parent on a work day, or deal with the sale of their house, clearance of their house, moving them into a care home. 1.5 days compassionate leave off after they died and 1 day for the funeral.
Well if you gone through all that you know raht 2.5 days is nothing.
Why not have a starting point by thinking of how you would like to be treated.

My husband took about 2 months off when his dad was at end of life. It was compassionate leave and yes he got paid etc, the company were great with it all. The company... southeastern trains

I think after 2 weeks it's reasonable to ask for a fit/sick note from GP.

I do know of someone whose parent was diagnosed with terminal cancer and this brought about a huge family confession of abuse and the shit really hit the fan. It was very much a 'they weren't even that close, why is he off so long' situation until a couple of months later it all came out publicly.