Not picking my kids up from school?

[TramTime]

In fact I know I'm not.

DH is being fucking ridiculous.

My kids are 13 and 15. We recently moved and to get home without a car lift they need to use public transport or walk 50 mins.

DH drops them off and picks them up everyday.
Occasionally he has work commitments so cannot.

Since moving I have met them at school the 2 times this has happened because they've never used the tram system before, so I just showed them where to get on/where to get off/what ticket to buy so they don't get a fine etc

He's just said he can't pick them up 2 days this week. I said I will make sure to give them tram fare and he said I should go meet them.

I said no. There's kids in year 7 that get the tram. They're old enough to just come home.

He said 'it's not a huge inconvenience to you!!' but it fucking is. It's an hour out of my day that's unnecessary, they're way, way, way old enough.

My son is very young minded and a mummy's boy so he would probably want me to meet him but last time I met them my daughter was obviously embarrassed getting on the tram with her mum with all her peers around.

And I don't blame her!!

I only did it a couple of times to show them the ropes and now they need to do it on their own.

The thing that pissed me off most is him making out like I'm just being lazy and refusing because I can't be arsed.

They're not primary kids. They don't need me to go!!

AIBU to think a 13 and 15 year old don't need escorting home?

He's way too over protective.

DD goes to town alone with her mates and all sorts!

My son had to travel on the bus from the day he started in year 7.
Its good to teach them life skills like using public transport and being responsible for getting themselves home.
They can’t be driven everywhere forever. It’s good for them 👍🏻

If your younger dc is nervous of getting off at the wrong stop it may help to point out landmarks (sights or sounds-that can be seen even in the dark on his tram/bus route) to help his confidence- to check he is on the correct route and prepare to get off. Our ds has sn so this helped teach travel independence. I also used a tracking app until he was confident. We put photos and a bus number list on his phone (as he kept forgetting the suitable bus numbers - he had to change in town from one route to another to get to college. We got him a bus pass to avoid having to keep buying tickets. Your kids probably need less support as they are numerate and literate.

Do you live in Croydon?
is the problem that he thinks they’re not safe?

I think you're both babying your children and doing them no favours.

A 13yo is more than capable of getting on a tram and walking 15 minutes home after school. I was doing a longer journey than that home from school alone at 11.

I am glad you want to have independent and responsible children.

I agree with PP.

The issue isn’t whether other people let their 13 yr old get home by themselves, the fact is you don’t think your DS is ready yet. So what other people do is irrelevant as your DS is young for his age and still needs a bit of support.

As you don’t think your DS is quite ready to make the trip on his own, I think you should pick him up. DD can come home on her own/with friends when she’s finished. You say she’s often out and about around town so there’s no worry there.

If there was a good reason not to collect DS fair enough but your whole reasoning was that you can’t be arsed and “why should you give up your time…”….

However you’ve also said it’s only 15 minute drive to the school. I think it’s pretty crappy to be unwilling to give up 30 minutes of your day for a child you admit isn’t quite ready to travel on their own.

Sounds as if it won’t be long before he will be ready though so really, it’s not as if you’re committing to years of picking him up. In practical terms, this might be the last time you have to do it.

I really don’t think it’s much to expect. If you were insisting that he could travel alone then fine, but to accept that he can’t travel alone while simultaneously refusing to pick him up is poor. DD might not want her younger brother hanging around waiting for her but she’s the default babysitter because you can’t be bothered so the lass has no choice.

Parenting is not restricted to tending and safeguarding children; it also includes preparing them to be functioning adults. Your husband sounds as if he'd rather they were wrapped in cotton wool than to do that bit of parenting.

He needs to grow up, and allow them to grow up too. Getting themselves home from school on a mode of transport that you have instructed them in, is an excellent start to this.

No, both my grandchildren are independent and use public transport regularly. 15 year old has a job as well.

I'm sure she said it would take her an hour as she doesn't drive and would catch tram and do walk in both directions the husband drives.

There's Primary kids in London getting trains/ tubes to school.

He's being ridiculous.

When I started school, aged 5, my mum took me on the first day. After that, I had to walk to the bus stop on my own, about 200 yards from the house. I got on the bus and got off at the school bus stop. Then the reverse journey on the way home. I did it every day. I didn't know any better. Then at age 11, I traveled on the same bus out to the town where my school was, with another half mile to the school itself. I was quite happy and safe. I would think your two will be fine. When exactly will your Dh cut the apron strings?

The issue isn’t whether other people let their 13 yr old get home by themselves, the fact is you don’t think your DS is ready yet. So what other people do is irrelevant as your DS is young for his age and still needs a bit of support.

While there is a range of when children will be ready, if a 13 year old without SEN is 'not ready' when the average child could do the trip at 10 or 11, then it may just be the parent's viewpoint that is a bit skewed. Children often don't seem 100% ready until they start doing something new, that is perfectly normal, they just have to take the leap.

If parents keep telling a 13 yo that he is 'not ready' to do something that children two years younger can do perfectly well, the danger is that he will begin to believe them, and will never develop the confidence to step outside his comfort zone and try new things.

In fact, no-one knows whether or not he is ready to do what sounds like a perfectly straightforward journey, because he has never been given the opportunity to try.

You allowed your DC to come home alone from year 3???? That's awful they're far too young at 7/8 my god. I realise it was what most of us did as kids but times have changed now! It's different out there, the risks are so much higher. It's not just about trusting the child it's about predators

7-8yos are capable of walking home if the parent, who knows what the area is like, thinks it's fine. In Japan, our kids start at 6! I would trust a parent to be familiar with their area.

No I don’t think so, I couldn’t see that in her posts unless I missed it. I went back and re-read and she doesn’t say whether she’d drive or just go on the tram.

She said the tram is a 7-minute trip plus a 15 minute walk and the car is 30 minutes from leaving home to arriving back.

Either way it’s between 30 minutes and just under an hour out of her day to pick up her DS who she says isn’t quite ready to do the trip solo.

If she believes he’s not ready then it’s really lazy parenting not to go and pick him up, imo. If she said he was capable of doing the trip on his own it would be different, but she says he’s not quite there yet - but still won’t pick him up, instead putting that responsibility on her DD simply because she can’t be arsed…. 🫤

That’s a really good point but OP says he is nearly ready, she just wants him to have a couple of practice runs with someone first before he does it solo. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

That’s why I said this will be pretty much the last time she will have to pick him up - by OP’s admission he’s almost there. I just can’t wrap my head around simultaneously believing that your child can’t do the tram solo while also refusing to pick him up!

They definitely need to learn. I have a stepson who was babied (I came into his life when he was 14, and got a lift to school that was one train stop away - his school is opposite the station and we live a 5 minute walk from our station) and it was SO difficult to fight against being asked to take him/pick him up when DP was working.

What I think's a bit odd is that this is an argument between you and your husband which doesn't seem to involve either child.

The obvious way forward, to me, is neither his way nor your way decided over their heads, but asking them what they would rather and negotiating/adding scaffolding as needed around that. You don't need to drop a Y7 in the deep end if he's scared just to prove a point to your husband, but he might be more up for the challenge than you think. Involve your children in the decision. Talk about back up plans.

Obvs 50 mins is walkable and unless the roads are horrendous it would be a great idea for them to learn to walk it at some point so they know they can in a pinch. But I would do that in a planned way when there's no pressure.

Just for a refrence how far was you're school. Did u have the option to be pickwd up??

My eldest is 12, in year 8 at a small private school. Twice a week he can catch a school minibus back to the village where his brother is at primary school. He would obviously prefer me to pick him up at school (as I have to on the other 3 days, because there’s no public transport where we live), but I make him get the minibus and walk the 1/2 mile to his brothers school to collect his brother and they both wait there for me to come and get them in the car (a 5 min journey from our house rather than the 15 min journey to DS1’s school). He needs to do it for the independence and responsibility experience.

I don’t believe in forcing children do things before they are ready but sometimes they need a little push to realise they ARE ready. As your son can travel with your daughter who will look after him, it will be good for them to do the journey, and save you driving there and back to collect them.

You are doing them both a massive disfavor by picking the up at all.

You hear all the time about Younger adults being absolutely incapable of actually succeeding in the world because they have no independence or life skills or even any confidence to try anything new.

By smothering them in bubble wrap your DH is directly contributing to that

To put this in perspective, your 15 year old may well be going to uni in 3 years time at the opposite end of the country. Teaching them to be confident travelling independently is a life skill.

I used to catch the train at 14 from Yorkshire to Edinburgh before we had mobiles. It gave me confidence. I've travelled across the world since then.

At their ages it shouldn't need building up.

They can just get the tram. I would let the 13 year old choose for himself whether to hang around wait for 15 yr old, or to head home

You allowed your DC to come home alone from year 3???? That's awful they're far too young at 7/8 my god. I realise it was what most of us did as kids but times have changed now! It's different out there, the risks are so much higher. It's not just about trusting the child it's about predators

I walked home from y3 in the nineties. I don't tbink the risks are any higher, we're just more aware of them.