Parents helping wash up after being cooked a meal

[Advicediddlyice]

Had parents over for a cooked meal, as we often do. As usual, even though we cook there is absolutely no offer to help clear up after. Not even a small showing of helping to carry things in from the table. Is this normal? AIBU to think this is rude?

For context we don’t eat at my parents because they have a small home and horde so there is no space for us. They eat one a week or fortnight at ours and NEVER ever help. I’m fact they never help with anything (eg even things like if they eat crisps, they’ll leave the packet in the living room- sometimes even it’s just on the floor). Isn’t this so rude.

Today after dinner I said “who will help me clear the table”. My husband got up to help me and I loudly told him he shouldn’t because he had spent 3+hours cooking a roast for us. I made the kids help but no move at all from my dad.

WIBU to just assign jobs next time- “dad grab the plates into the dishwasher while I wipe the table”.

I have similar with one of my parents, eats at mine and I don't there. I did say I'm more than happy to continue but need to see some contribution as it can only be at mine. Therefore they will now clear and wipe table and dry up after I've washed up - or child watch while I clean down if needed.

I guess you have to say it outright as they're just thinking they have visitor status - but when it's regular and not reciprocated then it is a bit different

So you want to change them- their manners, their values. Do you think this is likely, given their ages and that they are hoarders? Seems like wasted energy to me.

I might help clear a table at others' houses after dinner but I wouldn't wash up unless I was staying a couple of nights.

I must move in different circles to most of mumsnet.

In my circle of family and friends everyone pitches in to help clear the table. Usually we’re chatting away and it’s nicer to sit down altogether having already tidied up.

I do think it’s odd that they don‘t offer to help and very rude to leave litter on the floor, even my small children know how to find the bin!

Good point. Change is unlikely, and I have learned this quite a few times with them. I just find it frustrating and always struggle to know what is normal for other families.

If your parents come over that often then they definitely should pitch in with the washing up. My DPs and PIL always do and we see them a lot less often

Their home is quite messy. Very full as they are what I’d say is boarderline hoarding if not full hoarding. They are quite oblivious to other social niceties too and overstep quite a lot, hence I have strict boundaries with them.

And if anyone tried to load my dishwasher I'd break out in a panic, the idea of it being done wrong!

I’m with you OP (and the parent vibe sounds quite similar).

I would offer to clear things away at a more formal friends lunch/dinner but it would be refused, as it’s a more formal occasion.

Again if I were hosting, I would refuse help so guests have a nice relaxed time, and I’d do the cleaning up once they had gone.

But I think families are a different matter. I wouldn’t dream of letting my older daughter do a massive clear up and scrub pans etc while I sat there watching/drinking tea, especially if she also had children to take care of! I always pitch in at home with something like drying or washing up.

My parents however have come round in the past, made a mess, leave cups etc and toys out, and their house is a mess too.

I wouldn't expect guests to wash up or clear up. In fact I wouldn't want them to because they wouldn't do it my way.

Carrying empty plates and cups through and putting crisps packets in the bin yes.

What I would say is if it's getting too much for you you're not obliged to keep hosting big roast dinners.

I think it's polite to atleast offer.

Parents are guests to a point but just an extension of the family.

We are the parents in this situation. Our children / grandchildren eat at ours too. Of course we offer to help clear up. However, our children prefer us to look after the grandchildren, who are quite young. If our children needed us to help they would tell us so. I always offer to clear up/ wash if I have eaten at someone’s house. I always take my rubber gloves with me.

I have the same relationship with my parents OP so I totally understand. They are generally unhelpful and useless with my kids too. They used to come once a week for dinner and didn't do anything to help. I wouldn't have asked them to do anything but there wasn't even a thanks most of the time. My mum used to just grunt if I asked her if the food was OK. My dad did used to help carry the plates to the kitchen years ago and he's not very able these days but my mum just sits the whole time she's here and usually on her phone for the duration of the visit, and even during the meal sometimes. So yeah, I totally get you. It's the general vibe of the whole visit, not just the lack of "help".

They either don’t understand social norms or feel them unnecessary around family. They just sound like they are crap at being guests.

Why do people bend over backwards hosting ungrateful parents? If guests are rude in my house, they aren’t invited again.

When people come over I don't expect them to help clear up. I'd rather they stay out of the way tbh.

An offer is nice, though!

Some posters have peculiar manners .

If you are invited for a meal at someone else's home of COURSE you help clear the table . Do you really sit there being waited on ??

This is the minimum.

Then, an offer to help clean up made - which the hosts should politely decline..

However there are certain scenarios where the offer to help should be made and the host accept - and that is when the hosting is frequent and the relationship of the guests - close family.

Then it's about all mucking in . They aren't mucking in , they are expecting a regular restaurant stop.

I would expect them to offer and to help with clearing the table at least. I wouldn't expect that from guests who only come rarely although the offer is good manners. But people who are round a lot, yes they should offer. They could also make tea, bring a pudding, perhaps wipe a surface or something. To be honest a lot of my friends will just wash up and clean the kitchen without making a big deal and it makes it feel like family.

My MIL is washing up right now after dh and I cooked a big meal for everyone. She does it every time she comes to the point where I've told her not to but she insists. My mum does the same.

I think your parents are pretty rude not to even offer.

I never expect guests to help me clear up when I’m hosting - and tbh I’ll help clear the table at someone’s house but I wouldn’t offer to wash up / load the dishwasher.

Generally though my mum will always help me but only because she likes to be useful - I wouldn’t expect her to ever

Have you ever actually said 'could you not drop that on the floor'? I know I would.

I'll go against the majority here and say you are not unreasonable. If you're being nice enough to cook for your parents once a week then it's not too much to expect them to at least take their plates out to the kitchen or help clear the table. I wouldn't expect them to wash up though, but we have a dishwasher for that anyway.

Same with crisp packets etc. it's rude of them to leave them on the floor. You need to be a bit more assertive and have some comments ready.
"Dad if you could please bring your plates to the kitchen and mum bring the condiments, that would be a big help"
"The bin is in the kitchen. Please don't leave your rubbish for me to clear up".

If they can't do little things like this in return then maybe consider inviting them less often.

I'd make a pact with husband to cut down to fortnightly. Maybe a third time where you eat out. Get them to take you out for your and DHs birthday , even if you have to suggest it (wouldn't it be lovely for Diddlyice not to have to cook seeing as it is her birthday / wouldn't it be great to reciprocate all the meals Mr Diddly has provided seeing as its his birthday)
Yeah I wouldn't do that to my parents and in laws, but I get on with them. You've got nothing to lose!

I think it seems a bit rude on their part. They are hoarders you say? Maybe they never clean their own kitchen, or wash their own pots.Which is obviously gross. Would they accept a decluttering service, or a cleaner, if you suggested it?

Next time just ask straight up, Dad, take this, Mum, do that please. Just lightly, but not even really as a question. More an instruction. If they outright refuse after that then I'd reconsider having them over for meals. Maybe going to a pub or restaurant might be the way forward?

No I would not expect nor want my parents to help after a meal. Especially if you have kids old enough!